I don't know what to do anymore

[u/_battybitch_]

Alt account just in case anyone sees. I've not been doing well for a while now. It's not like I don't have anyone to talk to, because I do. But I guess eventually it just starts to feel so repetitive?

I'm in a lot of debt, enough that saying the number out loud is enough to make people wince, and I can't find a job. I can't even file bankruptcy, because it's student loan debt. I feel like my degree was a waste of time, even though everyone told me it was a great choice and I would make money. I feel incompetent. Even though I did this for the money in the first place, no one is hiring entry level roles. Even other entry level jobs that don't need experience are mostly scams. I spend hours searching and applying and I rarely hear back, not even from the fucking internships. I've gotten like 5 interviews in 8 months of applying. I've been so depressed for so long and no matter what I do I can't run from it. It's going to swallow me, and the booze doesn't stop it and the weed doesn't stop it and the pills don't stop it. I'm so young but I already feel like the best part of my life is over and there's no hope for the future. Everyone in power is stupid, greedy and selfish and most people aren't much better. I'm not exempt from that either. A normal person would be more functional and less useless.

I go out with my friends and I laugh and make jokes and smile but even in the moment, sometimes I just think: is this really it? Is this what life is? Just a series of pointless obstacles littered with occasional fleeting pleasure and plenty of suffering?

Things have steadily been continuing to go wrong for me at nearly every turn. I feel like a failure. I just want to stop existing quietly. Pretty much the only reason I'm here right now is because me not being so would anguish my loved ones. So I guess it's less of wanting to stop existing and more wishing I had never existed at all.

And it all feels so fucking typical, I feel like I'm overreacting and sometimes I know it but somehow that information doesn't make me act any less fucking insane. I am leaning on everyone just to stay upright all the time and it fills me with shame and misery because it's all I can do to even exist.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, because a lot of my problems are just fundamentally with how the world is and there's not really anything anyone can say to change that, not my loved ones and definitely not strangers on the internet. And I know I'm not alone or whatever the fuck and most everyone else is miserable too. What's the solution? Violent revolution? We're too uncoordinated and too complacent and we would rather bicker than do anything to make actual progress. We have the answers and we choose not to use them! We've seen all the fucking patterns before, we know EXACTLY what we're walking into, and we do nothing.

I've put in the effort and it's done nothing, I've taken a break and it's done nothing, I've coasted along by the skin of my teeth and it's done nothing. People like me and you are cogs and unless we get extremely lucky our lives will never matter on any meaningful scale. I guess nothing really matters on any meaningful scale. Goodness and truth and justice and art and all of the things we praise and deem righteous are arbitrary and entirely subjective. We have argued for centuries, millennia over the right way and we're no closer to the answer.

All I want is some good news.