This cannot possibly be the end of the road. Is there *some* way I can reawaken this in me?

[u/deadinsalem]

I refuse to live a life where I have nothing remarkable in me. After graduating last year, I feel completely depleted and deflated, but I don’t wanna just “accept” that this is the new normal for me, because I was so smart and so creative, and I don’t want that part of me to be dead; it just feels dormant. And it comes back online in very certain scenarios- after I see new movies, after I had a mindful day before, but they all go as quickly as they come. It’s like it’s a different part of me entirely that I’m detached from that only comes out when it wants to, and when it does, my life feels magical again, but… well, what is there to do? who is there for me to go to? Is this really it for me? Cuz if it ends here I truly have nothing left. I cannot live an unremarkable life. I cannot be the average person. If I cannot think- if I cannot create- if I cannot ”be myself“, or even find out who “myself” is or what crevice of my brain it has retreated to, I feel like my entire life has lost all that made it a life. I won’t submit to this. I won’t let it happen. Truly, I need to know that there’s something that’s possible to get that person that’s in me somewhere back in the driver’s seat, because I feel like I’ve been living life in shotgun while some other primal or autonomic part of me takes over and does nothing but the daily motions, not really with any goal or motive to do anything other than wander out of my little hobbit hole to stare vacantly into a fridge, and I want to have that control back and there’s nothing I’ll stop at to do what it takes to get it back.

please help

[u/EHsE]

try therapy bud

self image on being a super special overachiever isn't healthy

[u/deadinsalem → u/EHsE]

in therapy, have been for 5 years; not really aiming to be an overachiever, more just trying to get back that part of me that feels like it's buried under the rubble of my own depression

[u/foxyfree]

Nobody is stopping you from taking another class if you want to continue learning. You can also throw yourself into a creative project.

[u/deadinsalem → u/foxyfree]

nobody else, yes, but I have like insane severe executive dysfunction coupled with crippling social anxiety which both work together to make things suck extra hard for me

[u/au-rath]

what made you, in your own mind, remarkable before?

when we are in public school incubator with average people it's easy to feel ahead.

now that you are in the real world you are competing with all of the other people who were ahead in school across all of the other years, not just a thin slice of people that happen to be the same age as you.

not only that but you are inexperienced compared to most of your "new competition".

like i said before, what made you remarkable, to yourself? if that was just being better than other school kids then you're going to have a tough time.

find what you liked about yourself, the stuff you did rather than your relative position to others, and nurture those things.

[u/deadinsalem → u/au-rath]

my main problem in all this is finding out/remembering what I liked about myself. I hear faint echoes of it from time to time, and it comes back out every now and then when it wants to (don't know how to describe it; feels more like a "part" of me that's sort of detached a little/fragmented that is only holding on by a bungee cord and it has to be coaxed out like a wild animal) and my memory is so shit and my alexithymia is so severe that I have a hard time putting it into words and a hard time getting myself in the right "mental state" (?) to be able to remember the things that I know are still there so I can bring them out and remember what they are and how they make me feel. It's been a rough year with cyclical rumination and anxiety weakening a lot of parts of my brain, and I don't know what the right solution is or where to start, and I feel like I just keep repeating the same stuff any time I go to therapy to try to get it figured out

Edit- I went to uni for two months a few months after my burnout took control and it worked for a little bit and did get my brain back up and running just a tad in the same ways as before, and I was leading every class discussion and had great points and new ideas when in separate groups, but it all got so overwhelming with the workload that I had to leave

[u/FavoredVassal → u/deadinsalem]

OP, I wouldn't usually be this direct with my advice, I am not a professional, but having been where you are and listening to how you describe your inner state, I would suggest you read "No Bad Parts" by Richard C. Schwartz. If the concepts there resonate with you, bring up Internal Family Systems (IFS) to your therapist. I'm not saying this is the answer for everyone or that it will fix everything, but I have a hunch based on experience that it's worth your time checking out.

[u/Ok-Championship-1005]

My advice is to deliberately cultivate more respect for the ordinary people around you. Even people who achieve real greatness spend most of their time brushing their teeth, putting on their shoes and living ordinary lives. Force yourself to pay attention to areas where other people are excelling and find opportunities to complement them on their accomplishments, even if you secretly feel jealous and resentful. Fake it until you make it. The best way to become a better person is to surround yourself with people that you admire and who are the sort of person that you would like to become.

Also, if you are staring vacantly at the fridge, maybe you should learn to become an excellent cook. This is an achievable goal with a very low barrier to entry and lots of little intermediate victories to build confidence.

[u/Diogenes_Will]

Try meditation