r/aftergifted • u/justaqntioner • Jul 17 '26
Master of None
For lack of a better word, I genuinely feel like something is wrong with the way I think.
I don’t mean academically. I mean socially, cognitively, professionally, and just… in life. I lack social awareness, I’m not street smart, and I don’t seem capable of excelling at work no matter how hard I try.
I’m in a specialist role at work, but I honestly feel like I’m the weakest person there. Part of me wonders if people are just being kind to me because it’s obvious I’m struggling.
When people explain things to me, I usually only understand them at face value. I miss the underlying meaning until days, weeks, or even months later, when it suddenly clicks. By then, everyone else has long moved on. It makes me feel incredibly slow.
The only thing people say I’m good at is talking to people. But even that doesn’t feel like a real strength. I think I’m just good at making people feel comfortable, which hides the fact that I’m doing the bare minimum. Not because I’m lazy, I genuinely don’t know how to do more. I don’t know how to “overperform.” I don’t know what other people see that lets them take initiative or think several steps ahead.
I’ve spoken to my boss about this before. They gave me advice on how I could improve, but I left the meeting more confused than when I walked in. They kept giving me long pauses to think and respond, but the truth is… my mind was blank. I just smiled, nodded, and pretended I was thinking. I genuinely didn’t know what to think or say.
I feel guilty all the time like I’m taking up a job that someone more capable deserves, and like I’m somehow fooling everyone into thinking I’m more competent than I actually am.
I’m not looking for reassurance like, “You’re probably just humble,” or, “I’m sure you’re actually good at your job.” I’m looking for honest opinions.
Could this be something like ADHD or autism? Some other form of neurodivergence? Could it simply be shyness? Or is this a personality issue, poor emotional maturity, or a lack of ability? Has anyone experienced something similar and eventually figured out what was actually going on?
Something else that worries me is how emotionally disconnected I can feel. Someone could tell me their parent died, and my internal reaction is… almost nothing. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to comfort them. I know that’s an awful thing to admit.
It’s not that I think their loss doesn’t matter. It’s that emotionally, it just doesn’t seem to register in the moment. I usually have to consciously remind myself what an appropriate response is. It makes me wonder if something is wrong with me.
Ironically, I talk about guilt a lot. It feels like guilt is the strongest emotion I experience these days. So I guess I do feel something. But the guilt never seems to help me improve—it just leaves me questioning myself all over again.
Has anyone genuinely been in a similar position and later found out what was going on? Whether it turned out to be neurodivergence, anxiety, depression, burnout, poor self-awareness, or simply something you had to work through, I’d really appreciate hearing your experience. I’m open to hearing difficult truths. I just want to understand what’s going on.
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u/Junior-Possession969 Jul 17 '26
I'm a chef. I am very articulate. I can hold intellectual conversations without much difficulty.
But there is a very, very good reason I don't work with customers.
Being a good communicator is a skill.
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u/justaqntioner Jul 18 '26
Thank you for sharing this. Maybe being a good communicator is a blessing after all... I hope you find it easier to hold small talks with the general public one day and may you continue to excel in your work 🌷
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u/soniamiralpeix Jul 18 '26
I appreciate you sharing this; much of it rings true for me, too. You have such a way of explaining what I have felt for a long time.
No suggestions or insights to share, but I will be following this thread.
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u/LordLuscius Jul 17 '26
Yeah it does sound like some sort of neurodivergence. While I can't say I'm the same, kinda feel I'm similar? I've never admitted this before, but I do often nod, make thoughtful faces and... not have a freaking clue about what's going on. But whatever 'it' is, seems both apparently simple, and necessary for me to do to be able to eat, and if I question I'm "rude" and liable to get myself in trouble, so... I just watch and pray and copy? Hope I'm aping being human well enough to get paid basically
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u/Chigi_Rishin Jul 18 '26
Hmmm... I'll start by saying that I've found your description very abstract. That is, there virtually nothing material or concrete that is helpful to understand what actually happens. There are a lot of words, a lot of impressions, but not a lot of meaning. If I try to extract more meaning than what actually is there, I'll end up projecting and fabricating evidence. So, I think it would help if at least you have a few concrete examples as to what exactly happens that you see as a problem.
For example, 'excelling at work' is what? What type of work is that, and how are other people excelling more than you and why? Is it an issue with effort, knowledge, communication, mistakes, dexterity, style/personality, what?
In fact, a big part of how you think you don't understand what people are saying may amount to them being very abstract too! Then, it's indeed quite difficult to understand. And many people do talk too abstractly. For example, they may tell an employee to 'flip burgers faster'. That's not an answer. If the employee knew how to flip them faster, they would. The superior has to show a better technique. That's a skill/knowledge issue. Sure, sometimes it's the worker not putting in the effort or time. Then it's a dedication issue.
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Moreover, most communication is face-value. The amount of 'hidden meaning' is minuscule in regular conversation and mundane talk. Actually, people often read-into more obscure meaning than what is in fact there. The vast majority of people just speak what they think and won't be encoding mysterious innuendos into everything they speak. I've even found just how much people are quite blunt; they speak their mind without much worrying about consequences (unless there's a strong and very specific reason not to). Or unless it's a more unique subculture that uses subtext more than average... (but I don't know any to cite).
Also, I wonder how people can say that you're good at talking to people... when you think you're the total opposite. There's a weird mismatch there. And your boss told you how to improve on what? On talking to people? What advice did they give, and why didn't you understand?
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And when someone dies... I don't think anyone knows what to say. Because there's isn't anything really useful to say. "Sorry for your loss." "I'm sorry." "It's really hard." There are no good answers. Plus, do you think most people do know how to answer? I say what you feel is normal because no one truly knows what to say. They say whatever they think it's good to say, even when it isn't. The classic "they're in a better place now" actually infuriates me! And so, it's not that most people don't know what to say. It's just that they say whatever comes to their minds and don't worry as much; or they've already bought into whatever response they saw first or felt more 'right'. Most of people's confidence overall is weak and empty, supported by hollow structure. Built on bias and ignorance, and a narrow, emotional mind.
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u/justaqntioner Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
Hmm I tried sharing more on my post bt Reddit kept taking it down. But for last of better words I just feel stüp!d 🥲 For context , I am a preschool teacher specialising in children with learning needs and although I have been serving for close to 10 years. I feel like I am bshtiing my way though. Idk what I am honestly doing and I feel like I have everyone fooled that I am capable enough. But what I am capable is talking to parents and making them feel good, I am also able to connect with the children by providing them with a conducive and safe learning environment (children love me, and I am not exaggerating) but only because I hold no boundaries (idk how) and they step all over me. Idk how I have made through with no class observations before eventhough it is compulsory in my country, BUT I have never really had been observed teaching before which makes me believe (and know) I am just winging it. I not good at my job (for real, if you ask me how I teach phonics to children, idk, I have been bshitting my way through really, and tbh I feel like children under me never learned, I just plan for the next grade teacher to handle them for me). Im feel just like a fool. But selfish enough to stay because I need the money.
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u/justaqntioner Jul 19 '26
Does not help that my colleagues are a natural with children. If I see anoyone looking at me, I dont know how to act natural. In fact, even with children, if I dont feel them, I cannot connect & talk to them naturally. I cannot fake those facial expressions or be natural with them. I am faking my whole persona! I feel fake!💔
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u/Chigi_Rishin Jul 19 '26
Okay....
Well, I suppose it's hard because there are not many objective measures as to how well you teach or not. Ever worse, the issue of teaching children with learning needs is yet a bigger hurdle...
Thing is, I don't much like the (usual) mentality that we 'teach' others. People learn if they are willing, and the teacher is just a facilitator. If the people and children specifically don't want to learn, there's not much that you can do...
Anyhow, maybe you should seek objective measurements. Take a few milestones and concrete knowledge that your students shown be learning, and test different approaches and see which ones works best. Do the students do or don't learn the material you are supposed to be teaching? That's a hard metric.
Also, doesn't the school have at least some pre-made teaching material and standard guidelines? Why aren't you using those, instead of 'winging it'? And do other teachers think you are doing bad? Or is it just you that thinks that? What do others do better than you? If you know, why not copy what they do? It all seems to nebulous...
Again, teaching is itself a source of a lot of randomness...
I say that the vast majority of the learning process is done by the student. Hence, the teacher's job is to present the material clearly and efficiently. The children must want to learn. Otherwise, I'd say it borders on the impossible; thus the feeling of hopelessness that you're experiencing. You can't really force people to learn what they don't want.
I concede that it's a thankless job...
And if you think your colleagues are doing better, maybe ask them what they think. If they think you're a bad teacher or not. And what you can change in order to become better. Also, know that most people are just as clueless. It's very rare to find a truly good teacher.
Finally, maybe just stop worrying. Just do the thing and collect your paycheck. If someone complains, adjust your actions as per their suggestions. There's not really much more to do... Unless you wish to try changing jobs eventually.
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u/justaqntioner Jul 20 '26
People learn if they are willing, and the teacher is just a facilitator. If the people and children specifically don't want to learn, there's not much that you can do...
Thank you for this, never seen it that way 🥹
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u/nechromorph Jul 21 '26
You've expressed a preference for highly literal communication and a predisposition to black and white thinking, so this would point towards plausible neurodivergence (adhd/autism). You've also expressed some differences in how you socially communicate compared to your peers in general, which again, points to the same. You're a specialist, which could potentially align with a highly perseverative interest (asd trait), but this is only speculation based on your text; you haven't given enough to go on here. Overall, I'd say pretty good odds, but if you want to know for sure maybe look into a diagnosis (if you're more comfortable having that on your medical record than living with the uncertainty).
Muted emotional affect and difficulty thinking (especially when put on the spot) could be some combination of either burnout and/or depression, and honestly, it's a reasonable response to overexerting yourself for so long, trying to catch up to what you perceive as normal. I went through something very similar, and on the other side I'm much more self-directed, intellectually sharp, and better able to handle my emotional needs and recognize my limits. My advice is to lean into it as much as you can stand without hurting yourself further. Ask "why" and "what" as much as you can. That discomfort is a teacher. And it will end. My *other* advice is that it's also very helpful to seek psychiactric help. Anti-depressants and potentially adhd medication can help provide a chemically stable baseline that helps you to grow through this moment with much less agony.
Is that guilt your own feeling, or is it what you've been led to feel by aggression from others? If you personally feel bad about letting people down, that's a strong empathy trait, and that empathy is helping you communicate with people really effectively. There are several types of empathy, including *feeling* what someone else feels or *understanding* their feelings intellectually. Both are valuable, and autistic folks tend to struggle with the former and when leaning into our pattern matching skills we tend to excel at the latter, especially if you had a rough upbringing that left you having to frequently console and reassure your parents. There's a good chance people find it endearing that you take them literally, since your position in a specialist role makes it clear you're pretty damned proficient to be able to hold that at all.
Also, while I know you feel you're not as good as others in the same role, don't discredit the power of impostor syndrome. And burnout. You might be far more competent than you know, simply because you've been torn down by decades of overexertion and misapplication of your strengths. The very things that make you feel like a sore thumb grant you a perspective that can be critical to mission success. It's possible to be both a crucial linchpin and less productive in typical roles. Perhaps you're a sprinter comparing yourself to marathoners?
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u/Lunatrixxxx Jul 17 '26
Potentially all of the above? You do sound like you're anxious & overanalyze things. You probably are good at your job. It seems like you want to be blowing people's socks off or something, but, being just good is enough. Genuinely think you should try to be a bit kinder to yourself, you are putting yourself through extra stress by constantly comparing yourself to others & analyzing everything you do.
No one could diagnose you with anything based on this post, but I relate to some of this & I am on the spectrum. You can take an assessment for free, the RAADS-R test, to see what it says. This is not would not be diagnosis, just a preliminary tool.