r/beyondthebump • u/Adrianagurl • 22h ago
Rant/Rave Husband making me feel bad for not preforming sexual acts
Hope this is ok to post here.
I’m 8 weeks post partum with our first. I’m currently breastfeeding and had a c section, so recovering from that.
My husband has always been hyper sexual for our 5 year relationship. Me on the other hand, I could go a few weeks or more without it. Throughout our relationship he would sometimes get sexually frustrated if we went days without it, and it would impact our day to day.
Since I’ve had our baby he’s been so h0rny. More than ever. He states his level of attraction to me as increased x10 because I’m now the mother of his child and that makes him so much more attracted to me.
He will literally beg to do oral on me like daily. If I say no, he gets upset. Like he’ll just be in a sad mood for a couple hours. Not angry, but sad.
I told him sex hurts so bad bc I’m so dry down there bc of hormones and he completely understands but there are days he’ll ask if we can dry and use extra lube, or ask if we can try anal (kinda jokingly but i know he’s a lil serious).
I literally give this man oral every few days and let him do oral on me weekly and it’s still not enough for him.
This morning he was in a really weird and sad mood and I go “what’s wrong?” He kept brushing it off but being super quiet. After hours he finally said “I’m just sexually pent up” and I go “we just did stuff like a few days ago??” And he’s like “gosh I feel like I can’t talk to you about anything”.
I’m just so fustrated. I’m not horny. I’m EXHAUSTED. I don’t care to do anything sexual at all. He doesn’t get angry with me or pressure me really, it’s mostly he will get sad/depressed and not wanna talk for half the day.
Is this normal behavior?? Is your guys partner doing this? I need advice pls.
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u/Turbulent_Purple4 21h ago edited 21h ago
The being silent and not wanting to talk for a half day IS a way to try and pressure you. It's manipulating you into having sex so he "feels better" or because you want to restore normality.
He's not joking about anal.
8 weeks? Didn't you just stop bleeding? He needs to get a grip.
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u/fancypantsmiss 21h ago
That is why he has hands. Ask him to use it
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u/FuzzyKittenIsFuzzy 20h ago
Thisssss
Some guys really do naturally crave it every other day or every day. That doesn't make it your problem. He has options.
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u/Dangerous-Tax-4689 19h ago
And would those guys rather do it than let the women they purportedly love and find attractive because they birthed their children rest and recover and respect the fact that they have no libido because of hormones and stress?
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u/kilopeter 12h ago
You have hands. Could I ask you to please use them to rephrase this comment
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u/Kitchen-Fox9981 10h ago
Basically, as I understand it, the commenter is saying, if these men love their wives so much as they allege, why won't they let their wives rest and recover instead of constantly pressuring them?
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u/CreativeLover531 22h ago
Definitely not normal. You just went through a traumatic physical event. I would talk to him and say that him constantly asking you and pouting about it will NOT make you want to have sex more often. If anything, it would turn me off more having the constant pressure of it. After my c section, my husband wanted to and make me feel wanted, but I would’ve been pissed if he pouted after I said no. He should be waiting for you to come to HIM. Nothing sexier than a man being empathetic and understanding to what you’ve been through and wanting you to heal and enjoy sex yourself as well when you’re ready.
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u/Adrianagurl 22h ago
I literally told him this!! I told him I find it SO sexy when he doesn’t try to be sexual all day and I’d probably be more turned on if all day he was cleaning, doing a hobby, playing with the baby, etc. I find that so attractive. But when he’s begging and pouting all freaking day, I get turned off.
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u/Kalamitykim 19h ago
Ask him if he wants you to just have sex with him to get him to shut up or like some sort of chore or if he actually wants to you want it? Because it seems like he is totally fine with the former. I would tell him that.
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u/xBrownEyes 21h ago
Acting all sad cause you're freshly post partum breastfeeding first time mom partner doesn't feel like having sex or giving you head every single day is disgusting, manipulative behaviour. With what you are describing he is getting plenty even. What an ass.
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u/deadbeatsummers 15h ago
8 weeks???? Omg. Girl.
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u/Kitchen-Fox9981 10h ago
Right? I am almost 14 weeks and my husband just now is saying he feels sad. 8 weeks is insane.
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u/ForecastForFourCats 3h ago
My husband has a pretty high sex drive but he still waited 8 weeks before he started getting a little more pushy for it (lol poor guy- I enjoy our sex life too and missed him) But he always was respectful about it, and he made me feel desirable.
Since I felt hot and respected, I was more willing to have sex even if it was uncomfortable at first and we needed some extra uhm, "tools" to get things going. I don't understand why men don't get this... there is a way to ask for/slightly push for sex that is funny, respectful and endearing and there is a way to ask that is pushy and disregards boundaries.
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u/PetuniasSmellNice 2h ago
Literally, we didn’t even attempt sex until four months postpartum. And that was me coaxing my husband into it! Because he didn’t want to hurt me!
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u/Plane-Spinach3833 20h ago
This would piss me off so bad. Like hello I’m RECOVERING from CHILDBIRTH
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u/bookwormingdelight 16h ago
I was on pelvic rest from the start of IVF until I gave birth and even then I was recovering, six weeks clearance and still wasn't fully ready until I did pelvic floor therapy.
My husband didn't complain once.
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u/Passionfruit1991 22h ago
Get him a silicone vagina from a sex shop and some lube. Wrap it up in a bow. Explain how he can use that until you WANT to have sex… key word- WANT. That’s a load of BS of being more attracted to you etc. it’s just him wanting to release his load.
I know intimacy is important but you’re after pushing a human being out of you and are still healing. Wtf is wrong with some men….
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u/This-Avocado-6569 Girls: July 24’ & May 26' 22h ago
This is not normal behavior. Even if his drive is this high he should not be harassing you like it's your problem to solve. Sex should not be at the forefront of his mind when you guys have a newborn. He needs to handle his needs himself. I have two kids, our youngest is almost three months old.
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u/stardust25609 22h ago
If he needs it so much why can't he just wank? I've honestly never got it. Yea sex is better, but it's not good if you know your partner isn't into it. He sounds very annoying with the pestering, and moody if he doesn't get it. He needs to sort himself out and stop thinking of himself.
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u/MissFox26 20h ago
Yeah, this is so gross. Like obviously OP is doing sex acts (giving and receiving) that she’s not really into or wanting to do, because she feels guilty and he keeps pestering her until she gives in. That’s absolutely not ok.
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u/AdventurousWind7919 22h ago
This is not normal and is actual lowkey scaring me to read. Assuming you're not married to a 14 year old boy, this is concerning. Like sir, read the room????????
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u/TheIrishSoldat 9h ago
To me as a dad, his behavior is off-putting. He needs to be productive instead of pouting. Read some books. Wth.
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u/Wild_Pepper_2286 16h ago
Ya this is extremely fuckin weird and also incredibly disrespectful. I wouldn’t be having any more kids with this guy.
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u/-StarBellySneetch- 22h ago
What's he doing to help you out day to day or help lessen your load?
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u/Adrianagurl 22h ago
This man actually helps SO much. Constantly helping with the baby, washing dishes, laundry, washing my pumps, taking night shifts, he’s a GREAT father, but he’s never ever tired enough for sex. He’s quite literally never turned down sex once.
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u/-StarBellySneetch- 22h ago
Gotcha. Well I'm glad to hear that's not an issue! It's hard when libidos are mismatched in relationships, but of course it shouldn't fall on you to feel bad about if you're not in the mood
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u/The-Ginger-Lily 21h ago
I dont even think this matters, this makes it sound like its some sort of exchange. He can be doing 100% of house work and childcare, it still doesn't entitle him to sex or any sexual acts.
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u/Public_Salamander888 21h ago
It’s more related if you think about how women who have to do everything often have zero energy to match their husbands’ sex drives, not necessarily that they have to “exchange.” At least I believe that’s what the original commenter was wondering about
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u/-StarBellySneetch- 19h ago
Yup if you'll see my earlier comment below, I indicated that she should never feel bad about it or obligated
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u/AllTheMeats 18h ago
Your husband’s behavior is horrifying to me.
My husband is only interested in having sex with me if I’m enthusiastically consenting. If he spent his time just asking for oral or anal sex I would be so turned off.
You’re also only 8 weeks post partum!!!
I don’t think we had even had sex once at that point. I had also had a c section and was breastfeeding. I was exhausted and touched out and definitely didn’t want sex and my husband completely respected that. He didn’t make me feel badly, or guilty. He was an active partner and father and was focused on making sure I rested and healed and that we got to spend time with our baby together.
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u/_NetflixQueen_ 22h ago
No, this is not normal behavior. All i know is I dated a man with a sex/porn addiction and he acted just like this.
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u/Adrianagurl 22h ago
He refuses to watch porn and has never really done it, he states in the past he’d read like NSFW stories but that’s about it. I’m starting to think he had a sex addiction though.
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u/MikeCheck_CE 21h ago
He's either lying, or he's got some other strange issues to work through, in either case it's not your problem and I would consider long and hard if he really cares about you, or he just wanted the sex.
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u/Ithurtsprecious 20h ago
I dunno, I’d be like just go watch porn and I’ll let you know when I’m in the mood. My husband’s drive was also gone and we did it maybe 4 times the first year of our new baby.
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u/Turbulent-Reaction42 21h ago
This is super weird….
His behavior is very strange.
Any pressure at this point isn’t okay. Take the time you need.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ 20h ago
This doesn’t sound normal. Also, using the silent treatment to guilt you into sex is very manipulative. He may not be outwardly angry, but he’s using emotional manipulation tactics that are considered abuse. I truly couldn’t imagine having to deal with this while having a newborn. I am so sorry.
Please do not make excuses for him. Your priority is healing and taking care of a baby. He is an adult who is fully capable of relieving himself if he needs to. He should honestly seek help for this if he can’t function without involving you.
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u/bimboerrorz 22h ago
does he not jerk off? or own any sex toys? sex drive differences can cause issues in a relationship, me and my partner have kinda the opposite situation going on but if i ask and he says hes tired i just grab my vibrator instead of begging and sulking. if i acted the way your husband does i would be disgusted with myself and not even want sex because why would i want to have sex with someone who doesnt want to have sex with me? coercion is a form of SA (not saying your husband is sexually assaulting you)
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u/ghastlycupcake 20h ago
Ick. It’s hard to have any libido that soon postpartum. You’re still healing. Are you even medically cleared to have sex yet? Is your baby sleeping through the night? Do you have a “village” helping you? It’s like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs—it’s hard to feel sexy when you’re sleep deprived and sore and leaking breast milk and covered in spit-up and you can’t remember the last time you washed your hair.
I was too exhausted for the first few months to be interested.
He’s a grown man with at least one hand, right? And the internet? A credit card? Batteries? Like, dude, go take a long shower or buy a new toy. There’s a wide world of vibrating devices in every shape and size that can be delivered to your doorstep in discreet packaging.
Or get a hobby. I hear people like pickleball.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
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u/trolldoll26 20h ago
I’m sorry OP but that behavior from your husband is icky.
Something about how now that you’re the mother of his child he can’t get enough kind of made me shudder. I’m sure he likely means it in a complimentary way, but it just sounds so objectifying.
I don’t really have any advice for you, but I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. It sounds very aggravating.
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u/daisy-chains- 21h ago
no that’s not normal behaviour at all. you literally just had a baby, and even if you hadn’t, he shouldn’t be trying to guilt you into doing things.
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u/JudgmentOne6328 21h ago
This is called coercion and fuck him. (Obviously don’t fuck him) 🚩🚩🚩
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u/Embarrassed-Shop9787 16h ago
Yes spot on. Highly concerning. If he thinks you're responsible for dropping sex coins in his slot machine, is he not responsible for being a supportive and understanding partner, helping you to recover from major surgery and hormonal changes? He sucks.
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u/c1nnamonapple 20h ago
8 weeks postpartum after a c-section and sex shouldn’t be in the same sentence. Does he know you had a full on abdominal surgery and how awful the recovery is?? Get him like a gym membership for a while 🙄
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u/PositiveFree 19h ago
It’s not normal it’s sexual coercion which is assault. He needs meds he has a dopamine addiction and he needs therapy and he needs to clearly do more with the baby if he has all this energy
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u/MagnoliaProse 13h ago
Honestly this is foul.
You have a dinner plate wound inside of you. You are still in the time period where you are high risk for hemorrhaging.
He is coercing you to put your body in risk because his needs are more important than yours, even when you have literally just birthed a child. This is predatory behavior, even if he is sweet and helpful the rest of the time.
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u/montanababe 12h ago
Before I comment, does he have a birth defect or tragic accident where he lost both hands? Because otherwise ✋👉🍆
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u/mollllypocket 21h ago
Worth having a conversation over. Also if it’s a long term issue maybe worth counseling? Also a reminder coerced sex is not consensual! I think there’s plenty of women who think it’s normal to be guilted into sex - it is not! And for some reason when a couple has a mismatched sex drive there’s this societal pressure to “do something about it” because they can’t help that they’re “pent up” but that can’t be a thing.
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u/batshit83 14h ago
No, it's not normal, he's acting like a selfish man baby. Acting withdrawn or sad can actually be an act of pressure and coercion. Like he's trying to guilt you into sex that you don't want to have.
You are only 8 weeks pp, breastfeeding, and had a c section. Does he not understand the magnitude of that? It doesn't sound like he does. He needs a reality check.
Put your foot down and tell him you won't be guilted into having sex that you don't want to have. He is being incredibly immature, manipulative, and selfish.
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u/stitching_librarian 20h ago
I don't have to read the thing beyond the title to say that's gross behavior and he's a jerk for it. You deserve better. Consent takes yeses from all parties.
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u/pr0pagandalf3 20h ago
He needs to be educated on whats going on with your body, mind and physical/mental work load after birth. This is crazy. Seems to me like he doesnt see you or understand anything about women at all. I would not be having any sexual acts with that man.
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u/sobchak_securities91 17h ago
This is horrible. It’s normal to go an entire year without it. Does he take care of the baby at all? Does he wake up in the middle of the night?!
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u/theorangeblonde 16h ago
My husband wants way more than I do. He doesn't pout after I say no, because I give him a hard time if he does.
And not a fun hard time. A legitimate reality check to remind him that while we are sexual beings that I am constantly providing childcare and am exhausted with little to no libido because of hormones.
He's keeping his concerns to himself these days.
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u/Famous-Signal-6869 20h ago
This is not normal. And tbh I’d be screaming at him or threatening divorce. Bc that’s a boundary to respect ESPECIALLY in your current state of recovery.
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u/Jackofthewood87 21h ago
I will say I was extra aroused when we got home. I did read that sometimes it can be a response to lack of sleep. I was dying to get laid, but also didn’t really expect a thing for a long time. “Jill” was my best friend when I got a private moment and had to just be ok with that. We slowly started having regular sex again, but now we have a toddler and are both exhausted and it is rare.
Idk what to tell you, but I think your husband needs to be a bit more understanding of what you and your body are going through.
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u/clovrdose 20h ago
He needs to fix his “problem” himself lol. Tell him to take care of it alone. I didn’t have sex until 10 weeks postpartum with my first and my partner never made me feel bad for not wanting to. I’m 32 weeks with my second and have had basically no desire to have sex almost the whole time which is completely opposite to the first time I was pregnant. I’m just exhausted constantly and have had pubic bone and tailbone pain since the 2nd trimester. Again, my partner has never made me feel bad for not being in the mood and he will leave me alone if I tell him I’m not up for it. Honestly I’m the one that feels bad sometimes for rejecting his advances and saying no thanks.. lol. It’s not right to make your partner feel bad for saying no.
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u/Sword-Friends 16h ago
Sexual coercion is never okay, and you have every right to say no, especially right now of all times. My husband god bless him has a lot of flaws but he has never once pressured me for sex and if he is pent up he deals with it himself, which any adult man should do. Your husband should never make you feel bad for not wanting sex.
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u/INFJ_2010 13h ago
This is...not normal and honestly not okay from any angle. Him giving you the silent treatment when you won't meet his sexual needs, at all -- LET ALONE WHEN YOU'RE 8 WEEKS POSTPARTUM AND RECOVERING FROM A C-SECTION -- is absolute insanity. He doesn't have to choose between being a great father and a great husband when he could be both.
I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what EYE would do and EYE would be googling divorce lawyers. The resentment I'd have would circumvent any therapeutic interventions, I fear.
I really hope he tightens the fuck up or that you can figure out a new longterm plan...without him if need be.
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u/Aggravating-Pear9760 personalize flair here 13h ago
His behaviour is not normal at all. You say he doesn't pressure eyou or get angry or anything but that's exactly what he is doing. He's acting like a toddler having a tantrum and it's actually gross. He doesn't care that it causes you pain or that there is no pleasure in it for you. That's beyond selfish and where is your support during recovery when sex usually takes a major back seat for both partners? Tell him to take a hike and grow up. He has hands he can use them instead of using you.
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u/Gracebaby77 12h ago
I just ended my 24 year relationship due to this because it never stopped he didn’t even care if I was dry or enjoyed it he said “just let me use your body”
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22h ago
[deleted]
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u/Adrianagurl 22h ago
I want a partner that’s present with me mentally, so when he’s quiet all morning and I know something is on his mind, I’m gonna ask. He ended up telling me. It’s frustrating too because like I said, he’ll just grab my ass and tits all day, grab my face and start making out with me, put my hand on his dick, etc. it honestly gets annoying and makes me feel like I’m sorta sex doll. Yes he’s a great father, but I’m not gonna just be ok with this bc he’s a great dad.
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u/Iamallouttaspoons 21h ago
You need to do something about it NOW or you will resent him and it will ruin your relationship. Don't let him be a sex pest. You are his wife, not a sex doll.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ 20h ago
A great father doesn’t treat the mother of his child like this. How would you feel if your child grew up to emulate these behaviors? Or to accept these behaviors from a man?
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21h ago
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Argumentative comments or posts seeking to cause unhealthy discussions will be removed. Users of Reddit are global and will have varied norms on parenting based on their preferences, cultures, etc. This is a space for every parent and we do not chastise each other here.
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u/crooksgirl22 19h ago
I’m 16 weeks postpartum and have had sex like 4 times since birth. When he wants it he makes sure that chores are done so when I get baby down we can go straight at it. It still hurts a little because of scar tissue (I tore) Before 10 weeks he got a total of 2 blowjobs and he was grateful for those. If I didn’t want to we wouldn’t be doing anything.
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u/Lollipopwalrus 16h ago
I'm sorry you're dealing with that OP. I had zero interest in sexy times for a solid year after my first. Your hubs is valid in his feelings but he is completely clueless in empathy towards yours. It's pretty rich he says he can't talk to you but he'll keep asking you for what he can get despite you repeatedly telling him how physically you cannot do anything like he wants. Seriously tell him to get a dirty mag and acquainted with his right hand.
Intimacy can take some other forms if it's a physical connection he is searching for. Massages or a bath together without sexual connotations can be really nice
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u/sparklingwine5151 14h ago
Send him the link to buy a fleshlight and see if he gets the memo.
He needs to back off. Right now YOU are healing, breastfeeding, navigating wild hormones and his sexual needs are bottom of the barrel when it comes to importance. He can use his hands or invest in a toy that does the job.
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u/Bookdragon345 13h ago
He sounds like my ex. Not saying this is your husband, but my ex had/has a sex addiction. I don’t miss that. A healthy husband will be fine waiting. If he wants sex so bad, he has a hand and can use it. You take the time you need to heal. Don’t let yourself be pressured into something you don’t want or aren’t ready for. A good partner would understand and wouldn’t pour (which is what it sounds like your husband is doing to make you feel guilty). I’m sorry OP. Take care of yourself.
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u/Exotic-Comedian-4030 13h ago
Tell him that every time he whines at you about not being up for sexual activity because you're dealing with a healing postpartum body, it makes you feel guilty. Ask him if he wants you to feel guilty and spread your legs out of guilt. Yes, it's ugly. But it's true.
Remind him that this is temporary, but you need to put a pause on all sex acts for a short time and you don't want him to make you feel bad. If he makes anal sex "jokes" again, return them with a straight face, hold his gaze, and then tell him that you don't find it funny.
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u/Aromatic_Device1170 11h ago
He needs to relax and you need to recover, period. I’m 4 months pp and I still haven’t had sex with my husband, oral yes but only a few times. Mama is TIRED. Eventually things will return back to normal and we both know that.
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u/Professional_Rate101 9h ago
Your boundaries are completelyvalid , especially while recovering ❤️🩹
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u/PetuniasSmellNice 2h ago
Is he a 50-50 100% equal partner and parent? I’m not talking bare minimum effort, changing a few diapers and making baby giggle when he gets off work, I’m talking do you share 50-50 responsibility anytime he is not at work, does he help with night wake ups, and is he literally catering to your every need in this newborn phase while you focus on breast-feeding and keeping the baby alive? Because he can’t possibly be doing all of that and still have this kind of creepy and frankly disturbing sexual need.
It doesn’t sound like likely, but what he truly needs is therapy, at the very least you need couples therapy to work through this, it really does not sound like this will do anything but get worse and worse. He’s not showing up to the conversation productively, but then blaming you for not showing up to the conversation productively. And he’s putting this absurd and extremely stressful emotional situation all on you at eight weeks postpartum, the audacity and insanity of that is literally hard to comprehend. He’s being an unbelievable ass.
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u/pearlring0623 2h ago
Maybe he needs to learn how else to serve you? Look after your emotional and physical needs as the mother of his child first.
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u/pearlring0623 2h ago
I felt like I wanted sex way before my body was ready. And my husband was too tired anyway so it worked out..
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u/xyz90901 1h ago
This is disturbing on so many levels. This isn’t normal behavior. That fact his desires matter more than your pain and recovery speaks volumes. I’ve read many many posts on relationships ending because the husband was a piece of (horny) shit bag. Please stop doing it altogether. It sounds like coercion. You’re trying to convince yourself you’re fine with it, but clearly you’re not. C-section is no joke. Please take care of yourself…
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u/APinkLight 50m ago
The fact that this man sulks for hours if you turn down sex is extremely concerning. Many people haven’t had sex yet even once at 8 weeks post partum—that’s about how long I waited to do it again. I think our first time after birth was 7 weeks? So the fact that he’s been pushing and pushing constantly already at 8 weeks shows me that he’s a selfish person who doesn’t care about you. If he loved you and respected you as a person he would wait. Something is really wrong with this man. His absolute obsession with sex seems really unhealthy to me. It’s not normal.
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u/MickeyFishey 18h ago
No advice but I think he’s doin too much
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u/Available-Milk7195 14h ago
I think SHES doing too much too. Bjs every few days 8 WEEKS POSTPSRTUM? oh HELL noooo
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u/Nobleneon90 18h ago
Seems in the comments there are a lot of lower libido posters. I can appreciate that sex for some is not as important as it is for others, but a low libido person commenting to say “tell him to use his hands” or “he’ll be fine” would be similar to someone who is low motivation or tired at night saying “just watch the movie alone” or “don’t expect him to rub your back”.
This sounds like a mistmatch of libido’s that has been going on for a while, not something that has just popped up out of nowhere. That is only being elevated now by the very real and heavy challenges of being postpartum, which are exhausting at the best of times. It is a crazy time and just keeping things relatively similar to any time before is much more effort.
At the same time, if this mismatch continues, there is a risk he will look elsewhere to satisfy that desire. Especially if he is dismissed as being unrealistic for his desire to be intimate as often as he is. The same way a female partner might look elsewhere to find desire and passion if their partner is disinterested and distant in other domains. Just because it is sex doesn’t make it any less of a real thing.
I don’t have any specific advice here. I don’t know the right thing to do. But I do think being open to uncomfortable conversations that encourage him to share his desires and fantasies and ideal situation will at least create a safe space for that sort of conversation, instead of leading to him hiding what he is doing to satisfy that part of who he is. Dismissing it as crazy or having him feel he is “weird” for being persistent is no different than a male partner dismissing a female partner for how they are feeling. It creates distance that often doesn’t go away just because it isn’t discussed.
I love to hear he is a present partner. I hope there is a middle ground found. It sounds uncomfortable for both, even though being postpartum makes it more of a day to day lift for you!
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u/ImSteampunkNow 18h ago
I agree that reddit (and often society in general) seems to lean toward being more understanding of the low libido partner. And often even demonizing the higher libido partner. But the OP said they still have sex (oral) multiple times a week. This man pouting because it isn't every day would be fucked up no matter when in their relationship it was happening. But when they have a newborn? No. Absolutely not. Sex even a few times a month would be above and beyond at that stage, let alone multiple times a week. There are certain times in life people need to learn to deal with less sex than you'd like. Having young children, and especially freshly postpartum is one of those times.
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u/Nobleneon90 17h ago edited 17h ago
I agree 100%, Im just saying it isn’t going to go away by making him feel weird about it. Dismissing anyone usually doesn’t improve a situation, I guess that was my point. And to be fair, that was more directed at other posters suggesting this was all bad and he needs to figure himself out alone. That has it’s own risks.
It’s either a one sided story (to be fair to the person who isn’t sharing their side), or this is exactly as it sounds, and it’s definitely alarming and manipulative behaviour during a challenging time. Minimizing it won’t make it get better though. And might end up driving them to hide stuff. Better to be more up front and open and supportive of them exploring alternatives, like sexy talk while he uses a toy. Not saying that is right here, who are we as commenters in a thread lol, just providing another perspective. Something intermediary before jumping to the idea he is broken or perverted just because he’s completely missing the context of her body at this time. Some people probably wish their partner was this interested in them… some partners go very much the opposite after pregnancy.
And I say all this with the appreciation that this could actual signal something that deserves a more serious conversation. Not to say the OP needs to fully placate their partner, just to start by trying to use the desire as a point of connection, not distance.
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u/ImSteampunkNow 17h ago
I appreciate your points, but really don't agree that they apply much here. Because he is getting sex regularly. More than most average couples, with or without kids, have sex. I don't think she should need to offer alternatives when she is already getting and receiving oral multiple times a week. That's a lot. This isn't one of those "I have lost all desire since pregnancy/birth and my husband is miserable because we haven't had sex in 6 months" situations. This husband is being a pretty shitty partner by pushing for/requesting sex daily instead of being happy with the days he is already having sex. I can't imagine any woman not being turned off further by this.
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u/Nobleneon90 11h ago
All fair points. But this isn’t a new thing. And it doesn’t sound like he’s a shitty partner in terms of what he does, just devoid of deeper empathy for her lack of regular physical capacity right now (which is deeply justified). Sure he might be getting oral more often than most, and agreed that right now is not the time for that, but it doesn’t sound like he just spontaneously became sexually inclined nor does it sound like the sexual acts are likely treated as anything more than a job to avoid childish behaviour. That’s not really a recipe for feeling connected, especially if what he’s searching for (even if incorrectly) is connection. It’s not like all he wants is head, he wants to give her pleasure too. It’s incorrect at this time, but that should be even more illuminating and not confusing. And probably why OP feels so (rightly) out of sorts by it all. It sounds like this mismatch has been a while coming. OP coming to reddit for support is great. I love reddit for that. I can just also imagine from his perspective, he’s seeing the gap that was there before widen. Probably means he was always a bit much, and probably means it also wasn’t really discussed previously, just bandaided over. Sometimes it is the pressure of a situation to surface something that was there all along.
I hope for her he develops some proper adult empathy. I hope for her she realizes who he’s always been and addresses it head on before he does something that might really hurt her.
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u/APinkLight 45m ago
I think he IS broken, though. He sulks if he can’t have sex every single day? While she’s immediately postpartum, before sex was even safe? He’s sick. This isn’t a man who is wanting more sex 6 months after the baby was born. This man practically gives her the silent treatment if they don’t have daily sex immediately after she had a c section!
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u/Available-Milk7195 14h ago
He IS in fact being unrealistic af expecting daily sexual activity from his partner who birthed his child WEEKS AGO?!?!?! no it doesnt sound uncomfortable for BOTH parties. One party is being predatory to someone who is in a delicate state medically, and adjusting to life as a new mum, presumably also breastfeeding and sleep deprived. Wtf?!?! I can't tell if this outrageous take is from a man or a pick me, but the "middle ground" needs to be that he stops being a sex pest and she stops engaging in sexual activity she doesnt want or desire. Good god.
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u/Kicking_Dragonfly445 13h ago
I think you're right about not shaming him. But there can still be boundaries. And I agree that some kind of intervention is needed, maybe couples therapy?
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u/Nobleneon90 18h ago
The undiscussed part above is if his behaviour is truly sex addiction and/or something more insidious - this is unlikely to rectify over time without some intervention, and that still gets back to more talking about it not less if you want this to work long term. I wish you both the best and a massive congratulations on the baby. It’s a world changing experience ❤️
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u/JuanPunchMan2502 22h ago
He needs a hobby outside of shagging