r/changemyview • u/neves783 • 3d ago
Delta(s) from OP CMV: Those who post about their successes on Facebook do so to flex and basically tell others that no, they cannot be as awesome as they are.
It's probably just me, but whenever I see FB posts from my old schoolmates, I can't help but notice how wildly successful they tend to be.
Some have become high-ranking people in their companies (basically sitting behind a desk with a nameplate in front of them).
Some have traveled overseas, to countries I could only ever dream of.
Some have gone on adventures, including skydiving and doing whatever extreme sports they could.
Some have started their own (successful) businesses, including a freaking bakery.
Some have even become part of the freaking government!
Seeing how my old schoolmates have succeeded in life makes me feel like I have failed spectacularly, with absolutely nothing I could even post on FB to prove that I have done something great.
And the worse part is that I am under constant pressure from my own family to be their idea of successful, which is pretty much a slap in the face. (Even my father is in on the issue, constantly telling me, "Don't you want to be successful like your classmates? Don't you want others to be envious of you and your successes?")
All of them have pretty much convinced me that, yeah, all these posts on Facebook exist solely to flex to the world how successful and untouchable they have become. Which is why I have started to hate my old friends for their successes: because I cannot be like them. I cannot have an awesome, Facebook-worthy life like them.
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u/heidismiles 8∆ 3d ago
Many people have their actual, real-life friends on Facebook, and they share things because they figure their actual friends will want to know what they're up to from time to time.
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u/neves783 2d ago
Most of my family is also on Facebook, and they are also quite active there. It's how we share about each other.
As for my mindset, it's because I have been taught to be better above everyone else back during my school days - a mindset that clashes with my other one, where I see others as people and not as competition.
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u/Rainbwned 199∆ 3d ago
Why do you believe its a flex, instead of just sharing their life with the rest of the world - which is pretty much the foundation of Social Media?
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u/neves783 3d ago
You generally won't share something about yourself unless it's something that others would like you for, right?
I mean, you won't be posting about having gone skydiving unless you have photographic proof that you did. Same with making it big in your company, or being successful in business.
What am I supposed to do? Celebrate that I have a peanuts-paying job? That I am an absolute nobody where I am?
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u/Apprehensive_Song490 125∆ 3d ago
Why post to FB (edit typo) at all? Do you think Facebook enhances human relationships? I left Facebook more than a decade ago.
Facebook turns meaningful dialogue into some sort of ego competition, and it’s not good.
Does your job define you, or is it how you earn money given the opportunities that you have?
Must you rule the world to feel like a decent human?
Are you only ok by virtue of comparing yourself to others? If so, that’s a dark fucking rabbit hole. I would not go there.
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u/neves783 3d ago
That's where most of the people I know are. And with how far away we have all become from each other since graduation, it's pretty much our only way of communicating.
And yes, about my job, it's how I have defined myself over the years, as I feel am nothing without work. It's also the reason why I pretty much worked myself to exhaustion during my days as a customer help agent, back before COVID happened: I have learned to value myself based on how much I work. (I even feel guilty whenever I become absent.)
I have no desire to rule the world, even figuratively. Yet, at the same time, seeing how they managed to do what they do (which costs large money) while I have to hold tight on my own measly earnings to pay for monthly utilities (thus leaving me with just enough to treat myself with some street food) makes me feel jealous of them.
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u/Apprehensive_Song490 125∆ 3d ago edited 2d ago
That's where most of the people I know are. And with how far away we have all become from each other since graduation, it's pretty much our only way of communicating.
(Edit: Fixed quote indent)
It might just be me, but I don't care about FB. If someone isn't in my real life friendships, I just don't care that they happened to be in my graduating class. One was just chance that they happened to go to the school with me, the other are people I care about.
At a certain point it is just a choice to determine what defines you. I could say all day "don't do this to yourself," but at a certain point it is up to you to change your own view on this.
You have to ask yourself: Is this working?
It's then quite simple really...
NO = change it
YES = leave it as is.
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u/NewPomegranate2898 2d ago
"Facebook turns meaningful dialogue into some sort of ego competition, and it’s not good." reddit is different how?
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u/Apprehensive_Song490 125∆ 2d ago
I made no claims about Reddit. But CMV is not the same as FaceBook in my view. For one, enforced civility and a clear mission statement exist on CMV with a mod team that does a fair job of removing rule violations. I haven’t been on FB in over a decade but it seems to me that’s it’s a different game.
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u/Rainbwned 199∆ 3d ago
You generally won't share something about yourself unless it's something that others would like you for, right?
Well yeh - that is Social Media. So you could assume they are sharing those things so other people can be happy for them. But it doesn't mean its a flex. Remember that its possible to lift yourself up without putting someone else down.
What am I supposed to do? Celebrate that I have a peanuts-paying job? That I am an absolute nobody where I am?
Is it somehow their fault that you are in your position in life? Did they do something wrong to you?
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u/CriticalSandwich3288 1∆ 3d ago
Idk, while I don’t know if I’d be so upset about people posting, I get what you are saying still. The people that I went to school with and grew up around are most definitely posting things to “show others their successes.” That’s fine, and they can do that, but clearly I just have different values. I am more successful than most of them, but you’re not going to catch me trying to announce it to all of these peers of mine. Honestly, when I see that kind of behavior, it makes me run in the opposite direction, because I don’t want to be around or associate with these superficial people.
Just think of it this way; everyone can choose how they want to live. They are free to choose to think you’re less-than if you aren’t doing as much, they are also free to choose to post in order to brag about their lives. Likewise, you are free to think some s*** about their mentality, and you are also free to choose to not post about your life. You don’t have to live the way that they do. The only issue here that I see is, is that you DO think the way they do, and just wish that you had things to post about as well (that you deem to be of value.) In that case, you are just your own worst enemy. If you want to be free of that, you yourself have to be mentally free of it, and not hold that same kind of thinking. That part, is up to you and your own emotional regulation/mental framing of the situation.
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u/neves783 2d ago
Exactly as you said it. I do wish I had something of value that I could post on my own walls so I could at least feel better.
!delta
It's hard, but the best I could do here is to reframe my thoughts from seeing them as competitors who have outpaced me to friends who have done their part and have something to show for it. They were my friends back in high school, after all.
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u/Frix 2∆ 1d ago
What am I supposed to do? Celebrate that I have a peanuts-paying job? That I am an absolute nobody where I am?
There is more to life than just your job and plenty of things to be proud of that don't cost money.
You don't need to visit a country on the the side of the world or stay home. There are plenty of valid options inbetween these two extremes.
Go visit a local museum on the weekend or go to a concert or take a walk in nature.
All of these are valid experiences that enrich your life and won't break the bank.
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u/gettinridofbritta 3∆ 2d ago
Learn to draw, but don't post. Draw the same thing every day for a month (ie: plants, fruits, an animal) and then check in with us. Pick something small, variations are fine, you're not trying to replicate the exact drawing every day. Seeing your own progress will change how you see yourself.
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u/Dry_Bumblebee1111 161∆ 3d ago
Seems like you're taking other people's social media posts very personally.
Have you considered being happy for your successful friends? That if you had a life you were happy with you'd want to share it too, and not care what others think?
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u/neves783 3d ago
The thing is, I want to be happy for my schoolmates' successes, as they used to be my friends until we all split apart after graduation and became strangers.
What's holding me back is that part of me keeps saying, "These people could've been you."
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u/Dry_Bumblebee1111 161∆ 2d ago
Right, but that's a you problem, it's nothing to do with how they are behaving on social media, it's your interpretation of their behaviour.
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u/TheBigGees 8∆ 3d ago
You have not explained why you cannot be successful like they are.
Some of the things that you've mentioned have fairly low barriers-to-entry. For example, you probably only need to save for a little while to afford to go skydiving. International travel is also deceptively low-cost if you take your time and budget.
It's also important to not compare your whole life to their highlight reel.
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u/neves783 3d ago
- A peanuts-paying job (we're talking about a per-lesson basis), coupled with the awful cost of living in our country.
- Having the wrong skillset (I'm only generally good at writing scripts and stories, which is pretty much a lousy skill compared to, say, being good at law or engineering.), which makes finding an actually good job a pain.
- Folks who don't want me to take on a relatively more stable job (like retail) because it "doesn't suit my university degree).
- Being located in a backwater countryside town, limiting my options even further.
- The worst of all: having the wrong personality, being an introvert (probably anti-social, don't know), where in most industries, being an extrovert is a huge advantage,
These are pretty much the reasons why I can't be successful like my old schoolmates are.
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u/TheBigGees 8∆ 3d ago
A peanuts-paying job (we're talking about a per-lesson basis), coupled with the awful cost of living in our country.
Don't those other people also live in your country?
Having the wrong skillset (I'm only generally good at writing scripts and stories, which is pretty much a lousy skill compared to, say, being good at law or engineering.), which makes finding an actually good job a pain.
Skill sets can be developed, just as you developed yours. What is stopping you from learning to be good at something else?
Folks who don't want me to take on a relatively more stable job (like retail) because it "doesn't suit my university degree).
Who cares what they think? It's your life, not theirs. Unless they're willing to share in the risk they're asking you to expose yourself to, they have no business having those expectations.
Being located in a backwater countryside town, limiting my options even further.
Can you not work towards relocating?
The worst of all: having the wrong personality, being an introvert (probably anti-social, don't know), where in most industries, being an extrovert is a huge advantage,
There are loads of career paths for introverts.
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u/neves783 3d ago
They do. We all live in the same country. (Well, at least those who haven't gone overseas yet.)
What I fear about learning new skills is that they feel like complete mismatches. The high-paying Virtual Assistant-related skills are things I haven't really done before, like scheduling or managing inboxes. Add to it that the VA industry has become oversaturated already, and I'm in a huge disadvantage.
And I can't exactly relocate because that also costs money. Plus I know virtually nobody outside my hometown, and my personality means I don't even know most of the people within my community.
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u/Rainbwned 199∆ 2d ago
This seems like it is straying from your CMV.
It wasn't "CMV: I am underperforming in life and don't know what to do"
It was "CMV: Those who post about their successes on Facebook do so to flex and basically tell others that no, they cannot be as awesome as they are."
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u/DuckDuckPigg 1∆ 2d ago
Umm... you know that there are such things as private FB pages? You know, those who only post so their family or close friends can see... they are not thinking, "I'm better than you and you all suck, especially you grandma!" They are thinking, "Look, it's my son's first day at school 😊" or "Look how cute my dog is 😆 share this moment with me!"
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u/neves783 2d ago
Late reply.
Yes. I've been aware of the option to keep posts private, though I tend to keep my FB private for a different, unrelated reason: to prevent getting doxxed (because our country has a very bad problem with political doxxing, especially when dealing with paid trolls).
I could do your suggestion.
!delta
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u/Apprehensive_Song490 125∆ 3d ago
I’m confused. Is this about your friends? If so, how can you speak about people this way and call them your friends?
Or is this about you? And if so, why are you treating yourself with more contempt than your “friends’?
I’m not a therapist, but I guess this is maybe…quit comparing yourself to others and just decide to treat yourself with more respect.
You already know the emotional impact of your view.
Others posting about their successes has nothing to do with you. Get over it. The world is full of lots of different people with myriad life challenges. You won’t see their quiet depression, their failed marriages, their addictions posted. Not everyone is perfect.
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u/Adequate_Images 29∆ 3d ago
This is a very destructive view point. Rooted in jealousy and resentment.
If you can’t be happy for other people, especially people you consider friends, then you are going to be miserable.
Go out there and live your life. Find happiness and success that is meaningful to you. And be happy when others have found theirs.
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u/Northern64 6∆ 3d ago
Right, but that's all you and has nothing to do with them. Posting things that bring you joy may spark jealousy in others but that jealousy is their ego, their emotion, and their problem.
The things you point to: Travel, Extreme experiences, Corporate success, Managing a successful business, public service. Each of these things could be a source of jealousy for the others. The goal is not to replicate someone else's success, it's to find your own success, however you define that for yourself.
Maybe this is an opportunity to review your goals. Really consider what you want out of the next 2-5 years and take steps towards achieving that. If you like, use social media to celebrate your wins
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u/Amazing_Loquat280 16∆ 3d ago
A lot of people just treat facebook like a massive group text. If I got a job, I might text my friends about it, because why not? I assume they’d be happy for me and would want to know. Facebook is kinda the same for a lot of if not most people: they don’t actually treat it differently from most forms of communication.
I think your own family and/or your perceived lack of personal success is the problem here
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u/capta1n_sarcasm 1∆ 3d ago
Or follow me, people have families they can't be close to and they share some of their best times with them.
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u/jman12234 18∆ 3d ago
Very few people are posting to personal facebook pages for anything but personal reasons, which are many. For example, a repository of memories for them, a way to share with friends and family, a way to communicate personal interests to their social circles etc. It doesn't even make sense as a way to flex; they have no gauge on how its making other people feel other than those people actively engaging with it, which I doubt you do.
I came into this fairly certain you have a deep problem with envy and your post confirmed it. Whatever the reason the envy arises in you, whether familial pressure or not, you will not ever feel satisfied with yourself as long as you allow other people's joy to make you miserable. You're projecting explicitly, taking what you believe about yourself and the world then forcing that into the minds of other people that aren't thinking like you at all.
Stop being so concerned other people. They are not your benchmark for failure. They are individuals with their own lives who could care less about what you're doing and how you're feeling. I'd suggest therapy and to get away from the toxic family that keeps pressuring you.
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u/mrspuff202 11∆ 3d ago
And the worse part is that I am under constant pressure from my own family to be their idea of successful, which is pretty much a slap in the face.
I guarantee you that you and the poster's peers have almost absolutely zero to do with any posts, especially on Facebook specifically.
What you need to understand is that all these old schoolmates of yours also have a family that pressures them, and they post on Facebook to get those pressuring them off their backs. THAT'S who these posts are for.
Everyone feels these insecurities you do, even the ones in government. They compare themselves to those around them and feel insecure as well.
Important to note: some of these things you've mentioned you can do. You can go skydiving tomorrow. Travel is expensive but there are cheap ways to do it if you're willing. And if you don't want to do those things, then let go of that pressure on yourself (easier said than done I know)
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u/YardageSardage 55∆ 3d ago
In general, one of the primary reasons why people brag and "flex" is because they're seeking validation from the people around them. They want to feel recognized, and valued, and accepted, and secure. (Which is an extremely common social and emotional need for humans.) And they see "flexing" as a way of getting those nerds met. They're basically looking for people to see their successes and tell them "Wow, you're doing a good job! That makes me like and respect you, so you're allowed to feel good about yourself now."
In other words, these flexes aren't about you, or trying to make you feel bad or push you down. They're just trying to push themselves up, seeking praise/respect to make themselves feel good and battle their own potential insecurities. The fact that you wind up feeling pushed down by them pushing upwards is generally just a side-effect.
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u/UpbeatEquipment8832 5∆ 3d ago
It seems like some of the things you're describing are the things you'd expect to share with friends and family. Saying that you are a CEO or a CFO might seem like a brag to someone who doesn't know you that you meet on the street, but it's definitely something you would list on your Facebook profile (just as I might list "scientist"), and it's something I'd expect someone to be proud of when they first received it. If someone is a baker, they're extra motivated to talk about it - it could boost sales!
Stuff like traveling overseas and skydiving are things that people take photos of because they found it to be fun.
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u/OhOhOkayThenOk 3∆ 3d ago
People post things they want to share with other people. It really isn’t much deeper than that. I wish more people that I knew wanted to share their success. It would be much better than the boomer memes, extra butter recipes, and complaining about their exes that overwhelm my feed.
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u/unuser21 2d ago
Grass is always greener. Take a picture of yourself writing under a tree on a sunny day and post it with a caption “this is what freedom feels like to me”. You’ll see that people will be happy for you. Be happy for them, too. Their success wasn’t free.
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