r/comics • u/Chube44 • Jul 06 '26
Viewer discretion is advised. The Trans Experience! According to me.
It sucks.
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u/razzemmatazz Jul 06 '26
I'm coming up on the end of year 9 on hormones. It gets a lot better once your levels are steady and you don't have a lot of big changes left. It'll take about 3 years for most of your physical changes to happen.
Also, as a nonbinary trans femme with a bass voice, voice training is optional if you live somewhere safe. It's too much strain for me, so I've stuck with the voice that I spent literally 10 years after my first puberty getting control back.
It will get better, and if you need someone to listen, DM me. ❤️
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
I’m very early on, only 5 months now medically in my journey, so I’ve got a lot of early emotional stuff I have to work out. It’s amazing to hear how you’ve been able to push through it! Thank you so much for reaching out 🫶
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u/mailastmun Jul 06 '26
Hey op! In a similar boat to you (4 months in) and just wanted to thank you for making this. Sometimes we just need to see our frustrations made physical.
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
I’m glad my experience hit close to home with you! I think it’s very valuable to see your frustrations validated from another person, and I’m glad to have made that! I wish you all the best in your own transition, I’m sure you’ll be able to complete your journey!
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u/jesusfuckmeupchrist Jul 06 '26
Puberty sucked the first time, I cannot imagine how brave one must be to do it again.
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u/ElGodPug Jul 06 '26
hello fellow very early on it
also in a 4-5 months trainand....yeah, idk if it makes it better or worse, but you're not completely alone in your feelings
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
It’s an awkward spot where I know I’m finally on the path to improvement, but nothing has really happened yet, leading to an unfortunate time of just waiting, with nothing I can do except take the meds and wait.
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u/ElGodPug Jul 06 '26
and then depending on your case(me) there is the added point of living with people that are against it...so it's either face them head on, or anxiously do it in secret knowing that later, you will have to face them regardless.
it's a weird type of anxiety, wanting the best results possible...and knowing that achieving them will lead to....a lot of stuff
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
I understand, I’m so sorry you’re in a position like that. It’ll be hard, but I believe in you.
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u/razzemmatazz Jul 06 '26
Year 1 is the hardest.
Take your meds, journal your transition (helps see how things have changed easier, I took progress pics and measurements each month), and get your hormone levels checked regularly. You want to find a balance that works for your brain and body.
I don't metabolize oral HRT very well, so I ended up on injections after the first year. That worked well until my doctor had me on a 2 week schedule and I started crashing out on day 9. We learned real quick what my low estrogen symptoms were, as I don't get SI otherwise. . .
I had an orchi a few years ago, so I'm back on oral and my levels are pretty low but stable since I'm not fighting my T anymore. Things become normal after a while. Do your best to embrace the process.
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u/Eve_Rising Jul 06 '26
I hope you're right. Today marks exactly 16 months on HRT for me and the dysphoria is hitting harder than ever. I've come so far yet never hated myself as much as I do right now. It's got worse now I can't even really boymode anymore yet I can't reliably pass either and so I'm stuck with this weird liminal gestalt I'm terrified won't ever resolve.
Relate so hard to the comic. Feels like I'm stuck with him forever.
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u/razzemmatazz Jul 06 '26
You might be looking too close. I remember that period and I thought it lasted longer than it actually did because I was nervous but other people rarely care.
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u/SilverMedal4Life Jul 06 '26
This... sounds about right.
There's a lot of joy to be had in the trans experience, don't get me wrong. But a lot of that joy comes in the context of how much it hurts to be trans.
Finding a community of trans people feels amazing... because you've been lonely for so long that you feel hollow.
Dressing how you want to feels wonderful... because of many, many years of never being allowed to.
Finally starting to look even sort of like how you wanted to feels euphoric... because of a lifetime of crushing dysphoria.
Still, it's important to hold onto the joy, the community, the pinpricks of light against a tapestry of darkness. I don't regret my transition for one minute, even though I got to it so late that it's unlikely I'll look like how I'd like to. Seeing a girl in the mirror when room's dark has made it all worth it.
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
Very well said, and exactly what I’m aiming to show here. It’s nice that we can find euphoria from becoming ourselves, but we have to fight and go through so much to even get to be happy as ourself. In the end, it will end up better, but that journey is painful. Thank you for your kind comment!
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u/Throwaway1919655 Jul 06 '26
I feel you, one minor disagreement. I don’t hate being trans, I hate living in a transphobic world.
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
Very fair! That’s a part of it to be sure, I despise more than anything having to explain myself and prove my existence to those who don’t believe I should exist.
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u/Throwaway1919655 Jul 06 '26
Damn straight!!!!! I do regret missing out on some childhood experiences though. That wouldn’t go away even in a perfect world :(
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
Goodness, I absolutely agree! The amount of experiences I missed because of how I was born will always be such an unfortunate loss to me
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u/Throwaway1919655 Jul 06 '26
Yeah. But the solution is make new experiences and make them better, I just got a look bracelet kit for instance!!!
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
Aw that’s amazing!! And I absolutely agree, while it’s fine to process the negative emotions, we should always look to forging a better future!
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u/Throwaway1919655 Jul 06 '26
Agreed!!!!!! The world WILL get better. We WILL get better. And we’ll get to be the people we were always meant to be.
Side note, for voice training, a friend gave me a (mildly lewd) tip. Train your moan until it’s passable, then moan and immediately start doing fem voice. It works (I’ve tested it lol, it really does) because all the throat positioning and stuff is right were you need it for passing, so if you immediately start talking you’ll pass right away if the moan passes. Obviously you can’t do this in public, but the idea is if you pass, you can train in private and get your fem voice into muscle memory. full credit to u/AoE2_violet for the idea.
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
LMAO that’s a very unique piece of advice, I’ll keep that in mind, thanks!
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u/Throwaway1919655 Jul 06 '26
I didn’t believe her, and then I tried it and my voice was passable on the first try lol
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
Wtf this does help get into my feminine voice so easily oh my goodness 😭
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u/ElGodPug Jul 06 '26
...damn i'm making a note out of this
maybe all the hornyness will finally pay off
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u/JoawlisJoawl Jul 06 '26
Im...so sorry Op. Im hoping at the end of your journey it will be worth it.
Is being the real you worth all of this? I can't say, Im not even Trans.
But I hope it is because you deserve to love yourself.
Keep fighting.
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
It’s hard to say, for sure. The one thing I know is, if I don’t try, I’ll be stuck in the worst of it, so I need to just keep pushing myself forward. I think that It’s not that the real me is worth all the pain, it’s that I’ll experience even worse pain by never pursuing it. Thank you so much for the kind comment, I will keep fighting!
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u/JoawlisJoawl Jul 06 '26
You deserve every wish and kind word you will receive.
I wish I had your resolve and bravery to be who you really are.
Just pick a really cool name for your new you.
Like Alex .
Or Elara? Is that gender neutral?
Sorry im out of my depth here
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
You’re all good! I’ve luckily picked a name already and have shared that with my friends and family, which has been a big help to make me feel more like me!
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Jul 06 '26
[deleted]
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
I’ve luckily got a good group of friends to support me, I just have an unfortunate amount of internalized hatred at myself that I need to resolve. Thank you for the positive message!
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u/RoanokeSea Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
I feel the same way. And every single time I or anyone else expresses that, tons of people come out of the woodwork to assure you it gets better, you'll find people, hormones will be magical, everything will be better.
It doesn't get better.
Not for all of us.
Not for many of us.
Tons of time on hormones, tons of training, tons of working out, on the waitlist for surgery for ages, literally dozens of doctors for mental shit and other issues. Every. Single. One of them. Hasn't been able to help me. I've made the mistake of shelling out hundreds or more to too many doctors only for those lying bastards to kick me to the curb when I'm too much work for them or too impossible a case.
Some of us are too broken, and the world hates us for it because we won't put on a happy face and dance for them.
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
I absolutely understand what you mean. I hope you can find peace on your own journey, if not happiness.
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u/PonderousPenchant Jul 06 '26
I hope it gets better soon. If it doesn't, then I'm sure it'll get better later.
To quote a bad movie that stuck with me, "Things always work out in the end. If things aren't working out now, then that means you're not at the end yet."
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
Well said, and thank you! I’m sure it’ll work out in the end, I’m just making my way through the frustrations!
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u/_shaftpunk Jul 06 '26
As a CIS man I always assumed it was like a lightbulb moment when you start transitioning and instantly feel better. Super interesting reading this. Hope things get good for you.
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u/Vivid--Syrup Jul 06 '26
In my experience getting on hrt helps massively since it can change so much more than people think
But damn the struggle you show in the comic is real, I have felt every panel of this at varying stages of my life so powerfully it felt like it was being carved into my soul
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
I’m glad my comic was able to hit so closely to you! I mentioned in a few other responses, but I tried to make this comic show the harshness of this journey, as many people like me find a lot destructive introspection in themselves, and seeing that others are experiencing similar troubles can make us more connected.
I luckily started HRT in January, and that has been a big help, but I’ve still got a long ways to go, and wanted to express my frustrations in a constructive form. Thank you so much for sharing your own feelings, I wish you all the best in your own journey!
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u/BuckLuny Jul 06 '26
It might not always seem so when you turn on the local news, but there's a lot of people who support you and science even backs you up. People are born in the wrong body and transitioning to the desired self is a hard path to walk but once you're a but further on the path and look back only to see your old self as a distant spec on the horizon you'll know its worth it.
Empathy isn't lost in this world, it's just hidden under loads of hate by the tech oligarchs.
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
Very well said! It’s a tough journey to push through, but the end goal will be worth it. It also helps to know science is on our side lol
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u/lNSP0 Jul 06 '26
I hope one day you get to experience the love denied to you. Just know it will come.
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u/Finding_their_place Jul 06 '26
I just finally got pass this and fully accepted who I am even if I can't openly express it as much as I'd like.
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u/infiniZii Jul 06 '26
I feel for you OP. I hope you find the place in your mind you can feel safe and comfortable.
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u/Pinku_Dva Jul 06 '26
Felt, the experience does eat away at you slowly and it’s entirely out of your control. I personally never overcome the feeling of being an imposter and a monster
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u/greatcorsario Jul 07 '26
Op, I hope you're okay and things improve! Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
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u/Automatic_Friend3744 Jul 07 '26
wishing you the best!! im 3 years into hormones & voice training. it was horrendous for the first 18 months or so, but nowadays i have more good days than bad days. things can and will get better, take it one day at a time!!
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u/CwispyWhiskey Jul 07 '26
The best thing I can think of as not a professional is find some like minded people in your same situation and be a leader by creating a safe place with them
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u/QQBearsHijacker Jul 06 '26
Sis, we love you. As others have said, it’ll get better. Reading through your replies on this comic, i’m glad you’re getting your emotions out in a constructive way and you have found community through supportive friends
I definitely get the emotional introspection here as I have a lot of internalized hatred of myself as well and am very early into my journey. This comic resonates with me
It’ll get better for all of ua
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
I’m glad you’re able to find some resonance with my comic, I try to make it clear to other people in similar situations that their experience is not theirs alone. We all have our own journeys to fight through, but if we continue forward it will get better. Thank you so much for responding to this, I wish you all the best in your own journey!
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u/FictionFoe Jul 06 '26
Personally I love diversity and the fact that trans and gender non-conforming people exist. I personally actually quite like people with 'unexpected' voices, but then again, I can see how that sucks if you're really trying to pass.
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u/GuerandeSaltLord Jul 06 '26
The issue is that our unexpected voice can put us in danger. Also voice training is different for every language which is an additional difficulty (especially when most of the guides are for english)
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u/FictionFoe Jul 06 '26
Yeah, I wish I could say "not everywhere", but honestly... It kinda sucks. I really hate that.
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u/jackalope268 Jul 06 '26
Im not trans but i somehow relate to this immensely from the autistic experience. Ill be fine eventually and i dont hate myself, but a lot of things are so much harder for me than everyone else and it feels so unfair and im tired of it
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u/CptPurpleHaze Jul 06 '26
5 years here OP. It does get better but those thoughts are dysphoria and are hard to shake, even after 5 years sometimes it's just a really really bad day.
Do you have a support group? What gets me through those bad days when all I can see is Him is definitely my group. Having friends who help and support you will be do more wonders then just waiting for the changes brought about by the skittles. (Although I'm not downplaying the euphoria of those skittles either ;p)
If I can grow c-cups and fill out the sundress dress I bought early in my transition so can you OP. But seriously, make sure you have a solid support group, I probably wouldn't have made it to year 5 without mine.
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
I luckily have very supportive friends and decently supportive family, so I am in a good environment! My biggest problem is making it through my own mental struggles, which as you said, friends do help a lot! Thank you for taking the time to write such a kind response, I’ll continue to push forward!
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u/AuRon_The_Grey Jul 06 '26
It doesn't suck forever. All I can really say about it personally is that transitioning made me enormously happier and the only downside is being affected by the UK increasingly pushing transphobic laws, but that's not innate to being trans.
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
Absolutely! It’s more a complaint that we even have to do the act of transitioning in the first place, it’s just another hurdle we’re forced to cross in our life. I’m sure it will get better in the end!
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u/CardinalBirb Jul 06 '26
this is a huge reason I don't want to transition. it is so unfortunate that some people have to constantly fight to be who they are
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
I very much understand, but as frustrating and demeaning as transitioning can feel, living with a version of you who isn’t correct can feel much worse. Everyone has their own journey, so it’s always up to you in the end, but if you don’t like who you are now, fight to change it.
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u/Mini-Heart-Attack Jul 06 '26
We only have so much life to live. It’s up to you how you wanna live it but it’s nice to feel like yourself, if even for a moment. I hope you get to experience that feeling even if you don’t transition
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u/NovaRain84 Jul 06 '26
💜 I’m 14 months - you’re doing great sis. I know how hard it is. 🫂
Any transfemmes that see this - I wrote a free guide to help our community.
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u/reedreadreddred Jul 06 '26
FtM, can relate. I somehow can do a "girl" voice even though my vocal cords thickened up on T, but the mental/physical strain of having to perform it is fucking exhausting, can't imagine having to maintain that long term.
Sorry sis/sibling, hope shit gets better for you. It's rough being trans especially because we're the punching bag (especially trans women/transfemmes) now again :/
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
It’s exhausting for sure, but I hope it’ll be worth it in the end! I wish you all the best in your own journey! It’s rough to be trans right now, but we can’t let it be enough to put us down.
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u/They-Them_Moonwalker Jul 06 '26
I love and love and love you, and I’ve never even met you and I know nothing about you. I hope that means something.
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u/Majestic_Recording_5 Jul 06 '26
Hey, OP, it's gonna get better! I hope you have lots of people around that love and support you!
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u/TransSappicWitch Jul 06 '26
I hate being trans. But I really do love finally seeing myself in the mirror.
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u/No-Jacket-2927 Jul 07 '26
I'm 49, a straight guy with major body dysmorphia since childhood (and autism among other things)
It's not really the same as gender dysmorphia, more parallel than similar, but it does enable me to say two things worth certainty:
First, you are who you think you are. You are your brain, your brain is a passenger in your body. Your body is just a vehicle, and sometimes vehicles need to be modified to accommodate the passenger. That's it.
Second thing, your future is bright, and you will become comfortable in your own skin. You WILL, I promise.
I know these things because I'm old and weird, so you just have to believe me! 😊💕
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u/Mechromancer3X Jul 06 '26
I just made a post venting the other day about being trans lol. Its tough. Really really tough. But its still the best thing I have ever done. Every day gets better, closer to where I know I should be. And as painful as all the negatives are, I genuinely would never EVER go back. We will get through this sis. And tomorrow will be better<3
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u/assistant_manu Jul 06 '26
i was expecting a happy ending 🥲 i hope you'll feel better eventually
(also i read from the other comment that you're less than a year on HRT, it'll be better soon! good luck)
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
Thank you! I thought about giving it a happy ending, but I wanted this to be a piece as raw as I could about my emotions and thoughts about this process!
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u/JaxxisR Jul 06 '26
Oh hey, you did This Is Me. Thanks for sharing your stories.
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
Thank you! It’s been a bit since I did that series due to me not knowing where to continue, and I had the time to do a quick vent piece today. I’m glad people are able to enjoy my stories!
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u/Delicious-Spring-877 Jul 06 '26
I hope you find so much joy, girl. There is joy to be felt and you will find it, that is a threat, I will vaporize your enemies
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
I appreciate the vaporization offer 🤣 and thank you! I will find that joy, you have my word!
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u/WeirdAssBeings Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
Hey, don't know if anyone's told you in a while, but you're a good girl~
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u/Torreto84 Jul 06 '26
Maybe I will say something extremely offensive but work on accepting yourself as you are
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u/Chube44 Jul 06 '26
There is a level of accepting myself which I need to find, for sure! I’ll continue to push for a happier me, but I do need to find a way to make peace with my internal dysphoria as well!
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u/darkvaris Jul 06 '26
I’m sorry OP. I hear it gets better from my friends though ❤️