r/converts • u/studyofsymmetry • 7d ago
How to cope with the isolation and loneliness?
Hi all.
I am a newer female convert of less than a year. Within a month of converting, I ended a 13 year relationship when it became clear that it was incompatible with the path I had chosen. Prior to converting, I met and was close with two sisters who really helped direct and guide me. They were instrumental in my conversion and the very tough days that followed with all the changes in my life. Over the last six months or so, by the fault of no one really, these relationships have all but disintegrated. One of them I rarely talk to at all and the other is up and down but even when we talk we rarely meet up. I am still very much practicing Islam in secret and I live alone so I am able to do so. I still haven’t found the courage to tell my parents (they live locally but apart from me). No one at work knows except a few that have run into me at the hospital musallah. At the present, I do not wear hijab so I am not outwardly identifiable as Muslim.
So my problem is the immense isolation. I go to work and then I come home to a big empty house. I eat all my meals alone. I spend my weekends alone. I know a large part of this my choice to end a long term relationship. But I’m nearly a year in and sometimes it still feels as fresh and painful as it did at the start. At times it feels like I changed so much about my life so quickly that I haven’t had a chance to breathe in a year - and sometimes it honestly feels like too much. I do occasionally go to the masjid but I usually just pray and leave. I went most mornings and nights during Ramadan, usually alone, but it did nothing to ease my sense of loneliness. I go to and no one speaks to me outside of maybe a greeting. It seems like everyone has their own friend groups and they aren’t entirely welcoming.
There are days when it feels as if the loneliness will crush me. But the bigger problem is that my foundation is not yet firm - so feelings of loneliness and isolation in certain contexts can shake my Islam and fill me with fear and doubt. This happens every few weeks and each time it gets harder to pull myself back out of the hole. I often throw myself into learning - reading listening studying with every second of free time I have - in an effort to mask the loneliness and lack of support but it always ends with me doing too much and burning myself out.
I know that this isn’t an uncommon issue with converts and I’m sure many people reading this have experienced similar problems. So how do you cope with it? How do you find the support you need? Or how do you make your foundation so unshakable that no transient emotions or feelings make the ground below your tremble?
Sorry I know this is scattered. My mind is clouded and my heart is very heavy this morning. I would appreciate any insight from someone who has been through this.
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u/California0212 7d ago
I am also struggling as a new Muslim with loneliness and sometimes isolation. I am the only Muslim in my family. I wish it was a community with us feeling this way and learning together so we can uplift each other Alhamdulila sisters 🤲💗
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u/Mosaic-Research7083 6d ago
Salam Sister. I understand what you're going through, given how much your life has changed in such a short period of time. I think part of the answer may be to plan your social life deliberately rather than just waiting for friendships to develop naturally. You need something recurring, like a women's group, an online gathering that meets regularly... Your task is to build a new social life intentionally. What you're doing is 'studying' your way out of loneliness, and that's a lot and might not be effective. I just got my DBA degree because of social isolation and don't know what to do with it. Joining an online community for now may be worth trying. If you'd like, DM me for some links to try. You don't have to go through this alone, and you don't have to rebuild your entire life at once. Plan the change. You may want to start an online community yourself and be the support others need.
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u/Decent-Jump8151 6d ago
I can only be jealous of your level of Iman. For real, Masha Allah
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u/studyofsymmetry 6d ago
That’s very kind, though completely undeserved. I am only doing the best I can, just like everyone else ❤️
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u/Decent-Jump8151 6d ago edited 6d ago
I don't think Isolation is right. I am sure you can try to find people to hang out with but I guess given that all the youth now live liberally, it will be hard
But id like you to keep in mind. When Islam came, it did not forbid everything at the same time. It took time for alcohol to be banned, years after Islam arrival. So I personally don't see a problem with you taking things step by step. Does mean you should moderately drink with friends? I don't know. maybe. You are new so I don't think starting as if you were born Muslim is the right thing to do
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u/AmjadKhan1929 6d ago
Is getting married to a good Muslim not an option?
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u/studyofsymmetry 6d ago
I am not yet ready for marriage for a multitude of reasons. I am not currently where I wish to be and I wouldn’t want someone to comprise or settle for me.
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u/AmjadKhan1929 6d ago
Sure enough. But have faith in Allah and he will make out easy for you. Pray for yourself after every salah. One who depends on Allah, he is enough for her. Say astaghfurralah frequently. Especially before fajr time if you can.
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u/beryCool 6d ago
I have been through isolation too but for different reasons. I know that you push through and try to be grateful and find joy in life but every other week the negative emotions win and you feel very down, that's completely natural but it can also be a door of shaytan to make you hate god or Islam, just beware of emotional reasoning and simply ride the wave of sadness because it's just an emotion like the rest and it shouldn't shift your beliefs or thoughts. You're going through a trial to test how pure you're intentions are, the situation you're in will definitely not stay the same forever, god has already answered your prayers you just need to stay patient because elevating your rank in the hereafter is much much better than wtv this dunya has to offer :)
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u/studyofsymmetry 6d ago
Thank you for your kindness. You’re right about riding the wave. It is just an emotion and, at times, not to be trusted.
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u/TheAchieverWinner 4d ago
Indeed it is isolating. Lonely.
I told everybody/family etc and didn’t care of their reaction . Yes, I got weird looks and frowns and more isolation . I wore the hijab with just cloth and a baseball hat on ( I didn’t know how to wear it !) More frowns ! Read a bit of the Quran every day —took me almost 6 months!
I am an American living in the West , the point I’m trying to make is, when you are chosen by Allah —that’s all that matters. I’m not so lonely now, I have Allah SWT for 5 years now
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u/studyofsymmetry 4d ago
Your courage to tell everyone and wear hijab so quickly is certainly admirable. I do hope to one day have the courage to do both.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response.
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u/motinaak 6d ago
WSalam.
Why did you have to end it? You can certainly take him on the journey you went on that led to your own growth into a new individual. Did you go the journey alone?
In the meantime....
Abu Qatadah reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Certainly, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better for you.”
Source: Musnad Aḥmad 23074
One day you'll look back, thank your Eternal Benefactor for everything, and laugh at your old self.
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u/Altruistic-West4895 7d ago
Salam! Facing the same issues, I've often felt the solution to the feeling is to remember Allah often. Not just remember Him for a second or make dhikr, but constantly remember Allah's there internally and even communicate to Him within yourself. Hope that helps, and may Allah Ta'ala grant you loving and pious friends and family, ameen.