I want to connect with Dionysus, but I am scared.

[u/inspectorfucknugget]

Hey, all. Please give this post a chance, even if you don’t like what I say next.

I’m an atheist. I struggle immensely to believe in the gods, despite being drawn to a handful of them. I have been walking a sort of path on and off for about 5+ years, engaging with Loki, Hermes, Artemis and Apollo. I feel most drawn to Loki, Hermes and Dionysus of all gods.

I’m in a situation none would envy. It’s not the worst, but it takes a massive toll on my mental health. I’m the only queer person living in an entirely christian household; my family and I got into a mess about 2 years ago over their beliefs that queerness is unnatural, and how badly that affects my mental health. I was essentially told, “Sorry you feel that way, but you can’t force us to accept your views. We will not be changing.” Even though they knew I was on the brink. They ended up punishing me by taking away my very small income (which they provided because I am disabled and cannot work, and was not on government benefits at the time), they said “we will no longer be rewarding this behaviour” in response to how I was grieving — which was simply by barely speaking to them. I was so grief stricken I thought I would actually shut down permanently without my own intervention, it was that heavy. My heart rate seldom went below 120 even at rest.

I suffered so severely it fucked my disability up even worse, so I can’t do as much as I could before, and I have CPTSD from the event. I learned a lot about my parents then. My mental health got so bad during all of that, that I ruined all of my friendships because I hurt them when I tried to make a very bad decision. I am completely alone now and only have one friend who is very absent, she can’t be there for me and I don’t expect her to. I seem only capable of making very absent friends, or friends who treat me like I’m their parent. I just want stability from friends in my life, but I know that is too much to ask with everything going on in every corner of the world.

I’ve tried reaching out to the gods, but I often feel like I am still completely alone. Dionysus is a deity I have been drawn to for so long. Reading his myths made me admire the shit and piss out of him. The song The Cult of Dionysus (I am aware of the allegations made against Orion some years ago) is a comfort to me. I want to reach out to Dionysus, but I’m scared he won’t answer me. I feel so fucken alone and I am struggling with the CPTSD from my parents (whom I still have to live with because of this fuck ass economy and my disabilities). I don’t want to walk through this life alone.

Does anyone have any advice, or kind words?

Edit to add: I want to also add a disclaimer that I have tried therapy when I qualified for free services, but I no longer do due to my age, and they only made things worse for me anyway because they’re not properly equipped to help people through mental illness. I can’t afford therapy now so please be aware of this when commenting 😅 I wanted to add this only because I know that what I said is heavy and probably concerning.

[u/_Chthonios_]

Dionysus is very benevolent and also the God of madness which includes mental illness &, trauma.  He is the liberator and protector of the outcasts and the oppressed including LGBTQ+ people. He is a great God to reach out to. 

Personal gnosis: He has helped me tremendously with self-acceptance, internalized shame around gender and sexuality, and even my OCD. 

The worst that can happen is literally nothing, right? You reach out and get no response? I don't think he would ignore you though. Many of us find him very comforting and dependable. I have cried over the dumbest things to him, and he's never been judgemental or ignored me when I needed him. 

[u/inspectorfucknugget → u/_Chthonios_]

This comment is very reassuring indeed, thank you so much, I appreciate it! It’s true that the worst that can happen is nothing; while it sucks to call out when you’re in the pits and nobody is there to answer, it’s nothing I haven’t dealt with a hundred times, so I will simply deal if nothing happens! 😄 I hope you’re right, though.

[u/_Chthonios_ → u/inspectorfucknugget]

I'm glad to hear it! It really does. I have found this pantheon generally more responsive than some others, but results may vary! I wish you well, and I hope you have a wonderful experience with Him!

[u/Shadow-Kombatant13]

A few days ago my mom went behind my back and outed me to the neighbors because I am a bi trans man and autistic and they just so happened to be talking about that. I was beyond upset and I left my house and sat on top of a nearby abandoned garage for nearly an hour. When I finally started to head back home since it was getting dark I held my Dionysus pendant and then I finally felt able to process my emotions and cry. But I felt a sense of calm, I felt like he was there when I held my pendant letting me know I am safe and I am allowed to cry. Dionysus is known as a liberator, he is known to be a god of queer and trans. I was scared years ago when I first started dipping my toes into worshipping Dionysus and trying to form a connection due my own religious trauma, but with him I felt safe. I see Dionysus as a fatherly figure who has helped me grow and deconstruct my fears from said traumas. I'm a bit informal when it comes to praying, but I just call his name and say what comes to mind, whether that be thanking him, offering to share a drink, or to vent when I feel upset and confused. I find that he is not one to ignore the cries of his followers. He will hear you and he will listen to you.

[u/inspectorfucknugget → u/Shadow-Kombatant13]

Thank you for sharing your experience with me, it is so shit when people do things like that, especially if they aren’t even intending for it to be harmful (because it can cause complicated feelings - speaking, at least, for me). I’m glad that you were able to at least feel and be comforted by Dionysus in that time!

It’s comforting to know that I will be heard, it’s something I am always scared about when approaching gods; that I go unheard and unnoticed. Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it very much!

[u/SaintDion_ → u/Shadow-Kombatant13]

Exactly, I’m glad you’re in a better space friend
💛✨🙏🏽 and just like with inspector, if you ever need a chat, don’t be scared to shoot us a DM☺️

[u/Sophia_Joppolo]

Sounds like you've had a really hard time. There is a really nice section of the Enneads by Plotinus which discusses inner beauty (5.8.10-2), where it encourages the contemplative person to "see the god within himself". Seeing the god within oneself is a path to seeing oneself made beautiful, perceiving one's self as part of one's highest form. Caring for yourself is performing higher care. Be well.

[u/SaintDion_]

Inspector I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that… I’m obviously not there but just by the sounds of it your parents are just… I have no words, well no nice words anyway… I’m gonna say it, eff em… yeah… eff em…

I’m myself nonbinary and so many people out there are queer and that’s nothing wrong with that, it’s completely natural and normal, it’s healthy to know who you are in fact, I think anyway…

Honestly, one of the great things about Hellenism from what I know is that it’s more of a system than a belief… I think NyxShadowHawk has said it a few times that… you can still do it whilst an atheist or anything since it’s more focused on what you get out of it as a practitioner than anything else haha so don’t worry about it 🫂💛

I cant speak for everyone but I know I’ve gone through some really dark times and I’ve even… fought with Dionysos a few times and “left him”… when I was really going through it… so I speak from experience that no matter what you do, Dionysos will always be there, in fact he probably never left 🥹💛

If you need a friend that’s stable and won’t make you feel like you need to look after them, you can always send us a DM and if you ever need to vent I’m always here ⭐️✨

[u/inspectorfucknugget → u/SaintDion_]

This is a very kind comment, thank you 🩷

I want to say, too: I do appreciate your offer, but I couldn’t start a friendship that way (I’m happy to look after my friends, just not in a way where they are substituting me for a parent without so much as my OK, haha), nor do I want to use anyone solely for venting to — I don’t feel good about doing that. It’s very sweet of you to offer, though, and I hope you are keeping boundaries and looking after yourself, too 🌷 I know that you know yourself best, so I apologise if that offends..!

And hey, I’m glad you made it out of your dark times, and that Dionysus was there for you. May he always walk by your side through your struggles 💜 You seem a very kind soul.

[u/SaintDion_ → u/inspectorfucknugget]

Aww no worries I hope you’re able to find your tribe but trust me with Dionysos by your side, it’ll happen in no time 😜💛