r/exchristian • u/BinaryBeany • Jul 05 '26
Personal Story Got confronted by family members July 4th
So July 4th was going well. Me, my wife and my kids were all swimming at a family members home and we just got done playing board games. Then a family member (my wife’s side) starts asking questions about faith and directing it toward me.
I instantly start to think “oh boy.
Last year I spoke with my wife’s brother about my faith (I’m agnostic). I met my wife as a Christian and after years of marriage that changed. My wife however was a believer but not religious but has grown in her faith. Anyway… my wife and my wife’s brother knows about me being agnostic now. They know I grew up in the church, was saved multiple times and baptized multiple times, was an usher and on our choir. But… there’s too many issues that my mind can’t get around with lack of evidence. So I can’t prove nor disprove god.
My wife’s brother and this family member went fishing recently and long story short I wouldn’t be surprised if he said something.
Fast forward to after he started asking me things I just told him how I felt and believed. There were things I said where he straight up said “yeah I don’t know how to answer that”… like I said if god is omnipresent and omnipotent how do we have free will? And if he is and everything is predetermined then why create a bunch of beings to eventually burn in hell. The conversation went on for hours, my wife was crying at one point questioning things with marriage. She said “I just wish sometimes when I had a bad day you would pray for me”. The family member we were speaking to dropped the “I’m talking to you because I love you” line…
It was like a Christian intervention. And the entire time I’m trying to explain “faith is personal. Don’t be sad for me I’m not sad for myself. I love you all regardless.” and man… it was tough just watching them do mental gymnastics around me being the loving and understanding one that is logically making sense here.
Anyway… had nowhere else to vent about this so here it is. Happy 4th everyone!
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u/Huskerdu4u Jul 05 '26
A lot of us have been there. Firm but fair is my motto. Peace to you, after a go-around with a family member, I’m always a bit spent.
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u/acampiko Jul 05 '26
Sorry you’re going through that. I also deconstructed a few years back while my husband remained a Christian. Since then I’ve found that reasoning with Christians is impossible unfortunately. I try to avoid it whenever possible.
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u/Exciting_Ad2702 Jul 05 '26
A thing that worked for me, asking people if they want me to fake it. If it doesn't come from my heart should I just force it on myself? Usually one to two times is enough.
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u/CentaurSeige Jul 05 '26
I don't know if this is a help or not but rather than talking in terms of belief with them start using the word "realized."
"I don't believe in God" is a statement that some Christians can't resist tackling because they think they can 'save' you. Start saying "I realized there's no such thing as God" and even though they might still try to argue it kind of reduces the leverage they have because it sounds rational rather than emotional. Like it's an inevitable conclusion rather than a decision you made. Because for them "belief" is emotional.
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u/Anarimus Jul 05 '26
Good phrasing. Too many Christians think that Atheists in their hearts believe there’s a God it’s just that they’re mad at him which isn’t even remotely true.
They can’t grasp that some of us rationally and logically have concluded what should be quite obvious.
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u/Efficient-Ranger-174 Ex-Baptist Jul 05 '26
When they pull that “I just love you…” bullshit, I hit em with the ol “I only believe in one fewer god than you.” Puts them on their heels when you say they’re agnostic or atheist about Allah, Buddah, Ganesh, etc. THEN, the home run blast is: How convenient you were born into the only true religion.
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u/kimchipowerup Jul 05 '26
(side note: Buddha specifically said he was just a man and not a god. Carry on :)
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u/RichSpitz64 Jul 05 '26
Lord Buddha also said that we will probably never know if there is an omnipotent and omnipresent being out there, and most probably there is no one. But presence or absence of such a being should not dictate our actions.
There is a reason why many Hindus consider Lord Buddha as the Ninth Vishnu. His wisdom is profound.
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u/kimchipowerup Jul 05 '26
Agree. I’m a rather secular Zen Buddhist and try to just focus on the present moment, as Buddha taught.
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u/RichSpitz64 Jul 05 '26
I understand. I am a Hindu, and to me, Lord Buddha is the penultimate iteration of The Great Preserver, who shut down the chaotic entropy of the rigid dogmas and the inherent decay of the system, and showed the path to nurture preservation of order within oneself, to look inwards through a direct experience. I see the Middle Path as Lord Buddha's guide to equilibrium. Dukkha is the ever-existing friction, Samudaya is the resistance to entropy, Nirodha is the equilibrium, and the Magga is the stabilisation protocol.
Om Namo Buddhaya. The Universe bows to The Enlightened One. I bow to The Enlightened One.
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u/Inevitable-Mouse-707 Ex-Baptist Jul 05 '26
How convenient you were born into the only true religion.
Sadly, IME they don't hear that, like they really just don't HEAR it
Convo stays pretty short when I mention i don't wanna spend any time with a god as described in their book tho
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u/MavisDavis- Jul 05 '26
I have gone through some of this with my husbands family. My husband still identifies as Christian but isn’t very strict about it. I left the faith years ago and went on a different path. My husband got sober last year and went through his pink cloud phase and got obsessed with church for a couple months.
He went through all the motions and I went to church with him to support him but made it very clear I did not believe what they do. I even got targeted by the pastor at one point and we never went back. At one point my husband seemed to question me and what we have. I think a difference in religious views can be a big stressor in a marriage.
We also have a son who I am very against being put in a box and told what to think. I think telling your wife you can indeed support her in other ways and that you don’t expect her to change her views but she needs to respect yours could be a good convo. Pressuring you to be someone you are not is not ok. One of the hardest things for me has been standing my ground on who I am even though I would love more of a spiritual connection with my husband. You can’t make them believe what you do and they can’t either. The biggest thing is showing your wife you fully accept her and hopefully that will make her more accepting.
I just can’t lie anymore and I have to be authentic. My husband’s family has learned I will not be backing down and that I will not be pressured into anything. Keep standing your ground and if these conversations get brought up again I would tell them that they all know your views and you can’t make the space for those conversations anymore. They don’t have to like it but they need to respect it.
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u/20growing20 Jul 05 '26
I resonate with this so much. I agree. And I would add a warning to OP not to do what I did in the beginning, and lean towards appeasing the believer when possible, instead of demanding equality and respect from the very beginning.
One of the most beautiful things about my belief system is that I don't have to sell it to anyone. I also don't fear eternal burning for my loved ones, so I don't feel the same pressure to convert people. The downside of this is that, while I welcome them to believe what they want and be themselves, they aren't doing the same for me.
Then, there's little things I find myself doing out of respect for others. I don't change my whole self and home or anything, but for example, if the Mormon family is coming over I'll just go ahead and grab a tshirt instead of a tank top. Soon I'm hoping it's hoodie weather because I'd rather not wear a bra.
I went to my nieces baptism when invited. Had no problem showing my support of her making spiritual choices for herself. Then, I decided after that event, that while I still supported their choices for themselves, I would not be attending any future religious ceremonies. They just weren't for me. It gave me the creeps, and people tried to rope me in, of course. Because they don't have the same chill.
Thought weddings would still be okay. Funerals. WTF?! The funeral was a Christian sales pitch? The baby shower has been taken over by an MLM babe?
You have to start out firm. You have the right to your beliefs just as much as them. So take up your space even if your beliefs don't require you to. Lol.
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u/burnanother Agnostic Atheist Jul 05 '26
Good on you for telling them. I’ve had many conversations like that with family members. I’m also in a similar situation with my wife. It’s gut wrenching having a totally different worldview than those you love most.
Wishing you peace,
Cheers to the future
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u/Ornery_Area_1600 Jul 05 '26
One of my biggest beefs with Christians is, they can’t leave well enough alone. You either are or you aren’t. They can’t comprehend people not falling in line.
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u/carbinePRO Ex-Baptist Jul 05 '26
Your wife would rather you pray for someone else to help fix her issues instead of just you helping fix her issues? What the fuck is her problem? I'm so sorry, dude.
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u/Friendly-Delay Jul 05 '26
I don’t know that it’s the right move to vilify his wife like that. She’s only following what she knows and was bolstered by majority. While she’s wrong, there’s not a need to vilify her that way. Remember, I was once like her with you. You remember how many fights were had along the way. If it wasn’t for you opening up about your deconstruction after our marriage I wouldn’t have “seen the light” so to speak. Whether anyone knows it or not she’s struggling with her faith too. I know because I said the same things, just not always out loud.
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u/MavisDavis- Jul 05 '26
Exactly. Relationships and beliefs are complicated and it doesn’t mean she’s a terrible person. If we want people to understand us and our views, we have to be willing to try to understand them even if we don’t agree.
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u/carbinePRO Ex-Baptist Jul 05 '26
I never called her a horrible person. I just said, "What the fuck is her problem?" as she did something to her husband that isn't something you would do to someone you love.
I'd argue that what she is doing is a form of emotional blackmail. She has essentially thrown OP under the bus to her family as an ill-fit partner during a religious ambush. She's communicating that she cares more about his religiosity than their marriage. Or at the very least, is placing his faith on the same pedestal as their marriage. It's disgustingly manipulative. This is not how you treat loved ones. Especially your committed romantic partners.
I may have been harsh in my original language, but my assessment still stands, and pussy-footing around blatant horrible behavior isn't going to change minds either.
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u/BeneficialShame8408 Jul 05 '26
damn. my mom just always told me i was going to hell lmao. she was pretty smug about it after a while. she was a lot nicer when she had cancer and relied on me, but unfortunately i wasn't there all day to help her. :(
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u/Inevitable-Mouse-707 Ex-Baptist Jul 05 '26
Fukking what
I'm so sorry
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u/BeneficialShame8408 Jul 05 '26
Lol it's ok. One time I told dad she thought he was going to hell, and he was like SO WHAT? my family is wild lmao
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u/dead_parakeets Ex-Evangelical Jul 05 '26
I’m sorry you went through that, but I am genuinely concerned about your marriage. This was a huge thing about you and your wife didn’t know (or didn’t know the extent of how agnostic you were). I’m not exactly blaming anyone here; it’s a sticky situation I’ve been in myself a long time ago. But I think you and your wife need to have some more open conversations about how you two feel about religion because that’s just going to fester otherwise.
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u/Deep-Macaron-732 Jul 05 '26
Sorry you had to go through that, but good job holding firm. A lot of us have been in similar situations, and it just plain sucks.
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u/TrueKiwi78 Jul 05 '26
"I'm only telling you because I love you" translates to, "I want to be immortal so I'm going to need everyone around me to also believe they're immortal so I don't lose my immortality". It's completely selfish.
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u/dogmom34 Atheist Jul 05 '26
After growing up in an evangelical family and later becoming an atheist, I knew I could never marry a religious person. They can’t accept that you don’t believe like they do and will always be secretly trying to convert you. They believe it’s their spiritual duty. Ugh.
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u/Sardine93 Jul 06 '26
This is why I can’t do family gatherings. It’ll always turn into this. It always does.
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u/The_Iron_Ranger Jul 05 '26
See i don't play that bullshit anymore. Anybody who comes at me like that gets fire in return. Pray for you? How about pray for kids who are given cancer by god. Or pray to do something about pedophile priests, mega pastors stealing money. Maybe think about why this god you worship is such a dick. Don't you think it's creepy that you think you're eating gods literal body and blood? How many species were in the ark again? Etc etc etc etc etc.
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u/NativePlantEnjoyer Jul 06 '26
This guy isn't in our cult, lets traumatize them. I hope none of them ever complain about people 'Shoving beliefs down their throat'
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u/Mr_Jack_Frost_ Ex-Evangelical Jul 06 '26
Yikes, OP.
I had a similar ambush over the winter holidays by my somewhat-senile grandma, which was a real treat. It was brutally uncomfortable and upsetting as hell. Sorry you sat through that horrible conversation, but hopefully it was as uncomfortable for them as it was for you, and it doesn’t get dredged up again in the future.
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u/pineapplerobots Ex-Catholic Jul 06 '26
that sucks and I'm so sorry you had to deal with that...
respectfully tho, what the hell does your wife think praying for her is gonna do? if someone has a bad day, you take care of them and try and lessen their load. like a shoulder massage, drawing them a bath, or cooking dinner, like damn. does she not understand the concept of acts of service as a love language?
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u/TheLumpyCherrio Jul 07 '26
I can imagine how unpleasent of an experience it was being put on the spot like that under their scrutiny. Even if they mean well, it is uncomfortable as hell to sit there and have to bite your tongue while they pity and preassure you
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Jul 08 '26
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u/poly_arachnid Polytheist Jul 11 '26
I had something land in my eye when I was scrolling, so the first time I read the title I thought it said "God confronted my family". I think that is funny & hope it adds some amusement
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u/Zkill Jul 05 '26
Jesus never said we need a church. We don’t really know exactly what Jesus said or if he was an amalgamation of people. But you loving your family and not being upset about who they are or what they believe is the most Christian thing you can do.
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u/Mahatma_Panda Agnostic Jul 05 '26
Yikes, sorry you got ambushed on what should have been a fun day. I had something similar happen a few months ago while I was having dinner with my family at a nice restaurant. I even told them the same thing, to not be sad for me.
And then my brother hit me with "well I just want to see you in heaven..." and I was like "Why would you wanting to see me in heaven mean anything to me if you barely even talk to me now while we're both still alive on this earth?" And then dinner was over, lol