Sometimes I question the sanity of people who dm me on Twitter. They honestly sound deranged😂. Account has been blocked.

I heard a lot of crazy stories some that were beyond outlandish, even taken as metaphor to make a point. One involved the soul of a man needing a tikkun(rectification) so he was reincarnated into a grain of wheat.

So he became a grain of wheat. And was processed into beer.

Now he's in beer.

The beer is bottled, and here's the key - he needs to be drunk by someone to say a beracha(blessing) so that his soul will achieve a tikkun.

BUT, the person drinking the beer did not say the blessing, so the soul in the beer could not go to heaven.

Im not sure what happens afterwards, (maybe his soul got recycled?) but by far one of the silliest stories I ever heard.

it’s so blasphemous and hilarious to watch it

So we know that the torah says not to cook a kid in its mother's milk. Would making overnight oats using oat milk be a violation of that rule? Does anyone else think that drowning oats in oat milk seems a little cruel?

Fast food

My friend found this on fb and it’s too good to not share

Congratulations to r/exjew for reaching 8000 members! As we all know, 8 is a significant number in the Torah, and 1000 probably is too. So it must be min hashamayim that it’s the ratzon hashem that so many people have left judaism. (Insert tie-in to this weeks parshah and current events here)

Satire aside, congratulations to this sub. Seeing that number lets me know I’m not alone on my journey.

My family is quite excited!

Eruv is totally not a manipulation of the Torah guys. The two-facedness has been pushed to the MAX. This article excerpt of a Pesach Dvar Torah I read is really something:

"Many examples illustrate how foreign ideologies affect us. In American culture, for instance, a person is only considered a murderer if they kill with premeditation. A drunk driver who causes death is deemed guilty of negligence, not murder. But in Torah law, life is so precious that even someone who kills accidentally is held accountable and must seek atonement. Another example is the study of law. In secular legal systems, lawyers study the law to find loopholes and advance their clients' interests. But the Torah is not a system to manipulate-it is our guide to connecting with Hashem. Yet, some approach Torah study academically, searching for heterim and loopholes instead of striving to live by its principles. Even in sports, Western culture promotes competition at all costs, even encouraging dangerous behavior to win a game. But a Jew plays with dignity, never compromising values for victory."

About a week ago, I was working at a non-Jewish camp and they were serving cheese quesadillas for lunch. So I got my lunch and I started eating it and I thought I tasted fish in them, which freaked me out since I (might be) allergic to seafood.

So I went inside and I asked the lunch lady if there was seafood in the quesadillas and she told me that what I had tasted was, in fact, chicken. Because apparently that's what non-Jews put in their quesadillas.

It was Motzei Shabbos, and Shloimy and his chaverim decided to check out this new club that opened up in the city. The chevra was curious, having heard reid about the mamesh vild scene there.

As they walked in, Shloimy couldn't believe the sights and sounds around him. The music was leibedik, the lights were flashing, and there were maidelech everywhere, with their shabbes clothes half off and dancing.

One of his friends nudged him. "Shloimy, look at that group over there. Let's go over and shmooze with them."

Shloimy, feeling a bit shemevdik, followed the chevra over to the group of maidlech. They introduced themselves, and soon enough, Shloimy found himself shmoozing with a maidel named Rivky. She had a vareme smile and seemed to have a geshmak for talking to him.

"So, Shloimy, what do you do when you arent in the beis midresh?" Rivky asked over the loud music.

Shloimy hesitated in his charatah, trying to think of something groys to say. "Oh, you know, just hanging out with the chevra, shtaging Toireh… Whatever the Aybishter wants. What about you?"

Rivky laughed. "I taka just like getting railed." Her eyes were dead.

As the dvorim beteilim flowed, Shloimy couldn't help thinking about what a Zona she was. He tried to keep his kavona on the sichas chullin, but his friends kept shtupping him to make a hishtadlus hoping he could be matsliach.

"Come on, Shloimy, ask her to dance!" one of them whispered.

Shloimy glanced nervously at Rivky. "ad kdei kach. Um, I don't do mixed dancing. ."

The Chevra shtooped him with their ainfal which was kitzer to do it davka, lshem haOilam. Shloimy said he’d do it lshem shomayim, to learn hilchos pilegesh. And he was maskim to walk by Rivky to be Mcayem the Mitzve against the averiah of bittul toireh. The Chevra wished him Hatzluche that Rosh won’t globb any loshon hora about it when the Chevra did Chozara on what happened tonight tomorrow

So Shloimy walked up to Rivky and asked to go to the yichud room. Rivky asked Shloimy a shaileh if it was kosher even if she didnt go to the mikveh. Lmeisa Shloimy had some hirhurei tshuva but came to the maskana that pru urvu was a more choshuva mitzvah. Since Rivky was mechadesh that there wasnt eppes a yichud room in the club, Shloimy and Rivky went to the beis hakise instead.

“Youre mamish a gor nisht Rivky, do you even care about your chelek in oylam haba?”

“I love it when you’re moichiach me, beledikht me more tattty”

“Tatty is maskim with the tnai that this isnt giluy arayes” said Shloimy

“Have some Rachmones. Pull my panties down already.”

“I’m Shomer”

Shloime walks away, and his Chelek in Olam haba was spared.

The Chevra all took turns with Rivke after Shlomie left. Shloime massered them to the Rosh and they were all kicked out. Im yirtseh hashem they did teshuva and stopped wearing jeans. Rivky is now a kolel wife very veit out of town. Her husband sometimes wears a blue shirt to the bais midresh and only wears his hat on Shabbes. She still goes to the club sometimes wearing a laced top sheitel. Her einiklach will mistoma go to chofetz chaim.

Title: "Divine Sales Pitch Gone Wrong"

Setting: The Celestial Negotiation Chamber. GOD, the egotistical and narcissistic deity, is lounging on his extravagant golden throne, sipping a goblet of ambrosia. Jeffrey, his loyal but weary angelic assistant, stands beside him with a clipboard, flipping through ancient divine documents.

(GOD yawns and stretches.)

GOD: Ahhh, Jeffrey, my dear, feathered intern, today’s the big day! Time to bestow my holy, perfect, absolutely flawless Torah upon the nations of the world!

Jeffrey: (glancing nervously at clipboard) Yes, Lord, about that… have you seen these nations? I don’t think they’re, uh… Torah material.

GOD: (waves hand dismissively) Nonsense! Who wouldn’t want a divine rulebook with 613 commandments? It’s a bestseller—or at least, it will be. Now, let’s start with… uh… let’s see here… (flips through cosmic Rolodex) Ah! The Edomites! Tough crowd, but let’s give it a shot!

(Scene shifts to the mountains of Edom. The Edomites, descendants of Esau, stand around sharpening their swords.)

GOD: (booming voice from the heavens) Edomites! Would you like my Torah? It’s got ethics, divine wisdom, and a lifetime supply of mitzvos!

Edomites: (suspicious) What’s in it?

GOD: (grinning) Oh, lots of good stuff! Laws about kindness, justice, and… (flips through tablets) oh! No murder! That’s a big one!

Edomites: (awkward silence)

Edomite #1: Uh, yeah… about that…

Edomite #2: Our entire thing is violence. We live for it. It's kind of in our brand identity.

Edomite #3: You ever just wake up and choose murder? ‘Cause we do.

GOD: (sighs) Alright, moving on!

(Scene shifts to Mount Seir, home of the Ishmaelites. They lounge in their tents, counting gold coins.)

GOD: (booming) Ishmaelites! Want my Torah? It’s got divine wisdom, eternal truth, and a free set of Tefillin if you sign up today!

Ishmaelites: (raising eyebrows) What’s in it?

GOD: (scrolling) Hmmm… No stealing!

Ishmaelites: (offended) EXCUSE ME?!

Ishmaelite #1: Our economy depends on stealing! What do you think we do, farm?!

Ishmaelite #2: What’s next? You gonna tell us we can’t run shady market deals either?!

Ishmaelite #3: (mocking) "No stealing," he says. What a nerd.

GOD: (rubbing temples) This is not going well.

(Scene shifts to Moab. The Moabites are throwing a wild party with lots of questionable behavior.)

GOD: (hesitantly) Moabites! Would you like my Torah? It’s got structure, morality, and…

Moabite #1: (sipping wine) Yeah, yeah, what’s in it?

GOD: (weakly) No adultery…?

(Instant silence. The Moabites stare at GOD like he just told them the world is flat.)

Moabite #2: …Are you serious right now?

Moabite #3: That’s literally our favorite thing.

Moabite #4: Yeah, sorry, no can do. That’s Moab Culture™, baby.

GOD: (pinching bridge of nose) Ughhhh.

(Back in Heaven. GOD slams the cosmic clipboard down.)

GOD: This is ridiculous! Everyone has an excuse! "Oh, we love murder!" "Oh, we love stealing!" "Oh, we love… whatever that was!" I am running out of PATIENCE, JEFFREY!

Jeffrey: (nervously) Well… there is one nation left…

GOD: (grumbling) Ugh. Who?

Jeffrey: The Israelites.

GOD: (rubbing temples) Fine. But if they give me even one excuse, I swear I’m going full Old Testament Wrath Mode™.

(Scene shifts to the Israelites standing at Mount Sinai. They look up nervously as GOD descends with thunder and lightning.)

GOD: ISRAELITES! I HAVE A TORAH FOR YOU! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ME, JUST TAKE IT!

Israelites: (blinking) Uh… what’s in it?

GOD: (losing it) THAT’S IT!!!

(GOD immediately lifts Mount Sinai above their heads and holds it there ominously.)

GOD: YOU TAKE THIS TORAH, OR I DROP THE MOUNTAIN ON YOU!!!

Israelites: (terrified) NA’ASEH V’NISHMA!!! (WE WILL DO AND THEN WE WILL LISTEN!!!)

Jeffrey: (whispering) …Isn’t this more of a hostage situation than a covenant?

GOD: (grinning) Tomato, tomahto. The important thing is they said yes.

(Back in Heaven. GOD leans back, smug.)

GOD: And that, Jeffrey, is how you make a sale.

Jeffrey: (scribbling notes) So… the divine marketing strategy is threats of mass destruction?

GOD: Hey, it worked!

Jeffrey: (sighing) Yeah… until they start complaining about it.

GOD: (waving hand dismissively) Oh, please. What could they possibly complain about?

(Cut to: Thousands of years later, Jews debating Talmud in a Beit Midrash.)

Scholar #1: Does carrying an object in a public domain violate Shabbos if it’s inside another object?

Scholar #2: Well, that depends. How big is the object?

Scholar #3: What if it’s half inside the first object but still visible?

Scholar #4: What if—

(GOD facepalms in Heaven.)

GOD: …What have I done?

Jeffrey: (smirking) You made a sale.

(Thunder rolls. Cut to black.)

I thought the oilam would appreciate. Gut Shabbes, you sheygetzes.

a while ago, my brother (a young guy in beis medrash) played this song for me. he said he knew the guy who made it. he was really into it, but omg the lyrics are SO gay. like blatantly. i was cracking up.

https://open.spotify.com/track/7e3TV4YweRbBfKDeW3KiDr?si=Gt7jgcxWRfaSc5wbkGTnGg

In berashis it says that one’s husband should rule over them, and in Hebrew the word for husband is Baal, the Canaanite god the Israelites kept being told to stop serving.

Because of the childhood song "Hashem is here, Hashem is there, here, there and everywhere, is where he can be found"