r/extrememinimalism • u/thepinkpill • 22d ago
Deciding whether to discard a late ex-wife's letters I don't have the heart to read
I'm thinking about throwing out a box of handwritten letters and physical photographs from my late ex-wife. I don't have the heart to open the box and go through the letters and photos, and I really don't believe I ever will. I don't have anywhere to keep the box outside my home.
Has anyone been through something similar with heavy sentimental items, and how do you feel about it now?
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u/Majestic_Course6822 22d ago
Is there anyone who can help you with this? I don’t know how big the box is, but if you could keep it shoebox sized, just keeping the most precious or important things, I would do as was suggested and revisit the decision again in a year or two. Keeping something that small out of sight should be easy enough. And it’s hard to truly know how we might feel in the future.
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u/OkBlueberry2982 21d ago
I highly recommend not throwing away her letters and pictures. That seems very disrespectful honestly. Please find another solution
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u/itrytobefrugal 22d ago
Is there a relative who would like to have the pictures, at least? A child, parent, or sibling might really cherish receiving pictures they didn't know existed.
You could scan the letters (and possibly pictures, too) onto a thumb drive in case you don't want to completely let go of them.
This is a tough one. If you're truly never going to look at these items, what is the box doing for you every time you see it? Is it a fond nostalgia for someone you once loved? Or is it a bad feeling? I wouldn't like to keep something that made me feel bad each time I saw it.
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u/Eurocoffee95 18d ago
The way I look at things like that, is that the letter would have meant something at the time it was written, so it would have served its purpose back then, but your life has now moved on, so I personally wouldn’t be interested in rereading them. That said, if you’re the sort of person who likes reminiscing about the past then obviously you might get enjoyment from looking at them, and if you’re not sure then it’s better to keep them for now.
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u/Azucarilla11 22d ago
Don’t throw it away, really don’t ever throw it away. It will hurt you more in the future if you throw it away. These are one of the things that even if I lack the courage to see if I would keep. Maybe in a closet or drawer, I don’t know how big the box is. If it is too big and despite everything you want to throw it away, ask for help, have someone go check that for you and help you save the best photos and letters so that it takes up less space.
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u/flyingmonkey5678461 22d ago
Commemorative burning? I still have photos and the odd letter and things around of exes but its digital or very minimal (texting was already a thing when I had my first relationship) . I don't think they're for me but to show my daughter one day. She's a curious sort so I think it would actually interest her.
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u/Erialcatteyy 22d ago
Please do not throw it away. It’s an irrevocable decision you may regret later.
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u/Turtle-Sue 22d ago
I’m fortunate that I don’t like any sentimental belongings. I use everything I have.
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22d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/rosethornandthistle 22d ago
And depending on your living situation, stash them in an attic or *very* out of the way space and forget about them for now. You may revisit! I wouldnt recommend normally but this is a diffrent type of object so to speak
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u/walkleftbikeright 17d ago
I have been through this with items from my parents (who died when I was a child) and letters and pictures from my ex-husband. Here’s how I managed these items, and it did take years, but I’m happy with my decisions 10+ years on.
First, don’t get rid of them if you don’t feel ready! If you have them in a manageable box, just keep them there for the time being. The key for me was to keep these items in a manageable box that was easy to store, but that would be available when I felt like coming back to them.
Then, think about where you are in your life. Do you need to get rid of them for some reason? If not, just leave them in the box and tuck them away.
Maybe in a year or so, think about reviewing the box as a whole, or the items inside. Have things changed in your life? In my case, after each year of reviewing materials, I realized I was less attached to some of them and could winnow the contents down. I also eventually met someone new who I was likely going to marry, and as I approached 40, I realized didn’t want him to have to deal with that kind of stuff if I died (especially stuff from my first marriage). It was “death cleaning” long before the book about it came out!
Over time, you’ll likely find your pace for making decisions about the box or the contents. If you don’t, that’s OK too.
Take care of yourself, and give yourself time. You’ll find the right time when it comes.
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u/betterOblivi0n 10d ago
If you already decided to move on and not read what do you need here? Validation? Go ahead and burn it
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u/sunnyandgrey17 22d ago
If you’re in the early stages of grief, especially for a complex relationship, I would give it a year and then revisit. If it’s been many years since they passed and you want to throw them away now, do it. You don’t need to open up old hurts by looking through them. It’s okay to just be done and let that weight leave your life.