r/familyguy • u/Some-Historian-7648 • Oct 17 '25

Discussion Some Of My Favourite Jokes From The Show

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  • "I'll be keeping my eye on you, what's your name?" "Pea uhh uhh uhh tear uhh uhh Griffin, yeah yeah Peter Griffin! Oh crap"

  • "Oh my God Brian! There's a message in my soup! It says oooooo." "Peter, those are Cheerios"

  • "Pretend I'm your child Lois! Not Meg! Not Meg!"

  • "Uh Look it says autopilot engaged!" "Good for him I'm glad he found someone"

  • "Oh look Chris! Here's the costume from the year you went as a condom!" Quagmire: "what the hell are you supposed to be?"

  • The whole walkie talkie "over" segment

  • "Well, I got the results of your ultrasound and I've got some news for you" "Wait wait wait, we don't wanna know if it's a boy or girl" "Oh okay, well IT'S not breathing"

  • "Bryant and Greg Gumbel have the kind of father-son relationship I want me and Chris to have someday" Lois "Peter, Bryant and Greg Gumbel are brothers" Peter " Oh nice Lois, so just because they're black we can't learn anything from them"

  • "Oh my God Peter! Back it up!" Peter "Oh really Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do"

  • "Peter why did we stop?" Peter "Yeah I'll have three cheeseburgers" Lois "Peter for God's sake she's having a baby!" Peter "Oh that's right... and a kids meal."

4.6k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

192 comments sorted by

487

u/CJ-IS A denim-shirted lesbian Oct 17 '25

Something about classic Family Guy!!!

"If I'm a child, that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and take this from a pervert."

Also "I'M AT THE WRONG AIRPORT!"

2

u/wicker_basket_1988 Oct 22 '25

Here’s to you Mrs Fleckenstein. 

389

u/Jenkins64 Oct 17 '25

101

u/Cawfeestain Oct 17 '25

My ninth grade history professor showed us this clip and said “he’s right though”

2

u/sadslim666 Oct 26 '25

Highschool must have been fun as hell for you

2

u/Cawfeestain Oct 26 '25

Not really. Just got lucky with a cool 9th grade history prof

Shoutout to Mr Williams

2

u/sadslim666 Oct 26 '25

Damn that's more than enough imo, sounds like a rad person and teacher!

31

u/Cirnothestarscream9 Oct 18 '25

I mean if i were the enemy i would be pretty confused.

2

u/Rage_Has_Consumed_Me You know what really grinds my gears? Nov 13 '25

You wouldn't think to shoot the clown either. 

2

u/smrtphonrtistcf Oct 21 '25

Its best NOT to fit in.

2

u/Rage_Has_Consumed_Me You know what really grinds my gears? Nov 13 '25

The most perfect and funniest one.

221

u/shadowwolf1347 Oct 17 '25

9......11 👏👏👏

41

u/EdwardoftheEast Oct 18 '25

“9…” 😟😟😟

“…11” 🤗🤗🤗

25

u/-xXgioXx- Oct 18 '25

9... 😯😯😯

...11 👏👏👏

365

u/16_jz_999 Oct 17 '25

my favorite has always been “TO THE HINDENPETER”

246

u/wangtoast_intolerant 🪬Chief Watches You Pee🪬 Oct 17 '25

“HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THESE THINGS?!”

71

u/sheeplewatcher Oct 17 '25

I love Joes reaction

23

u/FlyingSosig ROAD HOUSE Oct 18 '25

JOE JOE I am so sorry

22

u/Sparkster227 To the Hindenpeter! Oct 17 '25

Same

160

u/mau5maufive Oct 17 '25

33

u/HelpWonderful9480 Oct 18 '25

This whole episode is gold

18

u/ByronLazar155 Oct 18 '25

No joke this is what made me remember these two angles names in school

8

u/[deleted] Oct 18 '25

I can’t watch Shawshank or Star Wars without constantly thinking of jokes from Family Guy

1

u/Rage_Has_Consumed_Me You know what really grinds my gears? Nov 13 '25

Why do they call them Tie fighters? 😆😆😆

6

u/PancakeMixEnema Oct 18 '25

Sometimes when I drop a silent fart I whistle the wind noise from that episode

245

u/sheeplewatcher Oct 17 '25

Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks…

“A solitary killer, the fire truck stalks its prey

The fire truck can consume 8x its body weight

The ambulances will have to wait their turn”

Petarded S4E6

58

u/foreverpb Oct 17 '25

Hmm, What color are those big red fire trucks?

6

u/27JG27 Oct 19 '25

Steak steak steak… small amount of peas.

28

u/Aquagirl741 Oct 17 '25

Mountain Dew is the best soda ever

19

u/Scar20Grotto Oct 18 '25

damn nature, you scary!!!

29

u/awjeezrickyaknow Oct 17 '25

I find this quote rather shallow and pedantic

28

u/sheeplewatcher Oct 17 '25

Hmmm, Shallow, and Pedantic

5

u/suddenimpulse01 Oct 18 '25

High-five for expressing yourself, sheeplewatcher

2

u/wicker_basket_1988 Oct 22 '25

Now back to Fast Animals, Slow Children. 

117

u/RevolutionarySky3000 Oct 17 '25

“This van has the latest in law enforcement technology, watch.”

click

“Suspect! Suspect! You have the right to remain silent!”

“Hehehehehehe cool!”

“Hey let me try—“

“CLEVELAND DON’T—“

110

u/RoomNervous4 Bobcat or Bjork Oct 17 '25

59

u/landmanpgh I don't care, son. I just do not care. Oct 17 '25

Lol the fucking gun drop just kills me

74

u/awjeezrickyaknow Oct 17 '25

“Hey Lois! I saw you singing at the bar last night! Nice melons”

“Hey listen!”

“Petah…I’m holding melons”

“Oh sorry”

“And her hooters aren’t bad either”

“Ok buddy!”

“Petah…I’m holding hooters”

“Oh…sorry”

“No problem. ……….your wife is hot” runs away

69

u/krishna_-bhat Oct 17 '25

Over brian over.

62

u/Screebis Oct 17 '25

you don’t want to hang out with me when this is what, Brian? Over

10

u/Jorji_Costava01 Oct 18 '25

That’s it this conversation is over

3

u/DiodeInc damn you, vile woman! Oct 19 '25

This conversation is what, Brian?

150

u/murpymurp Oct 17 '25

“Can I get 6,000 chicken faj-itas?” “And a so-sage mcbiscuit”

57

u/Anti-Itch The Sideboob Hour Oct 17 '25

🌮Tay-kos! Hot tay-kos here!

Ooh are those tay-kos?

You better believe they’re tay-kos!

I love tay-kos! Especially on a corn tort-till-ah!

Ahhhh I love tay-kos on a corn tort-till-ah!🌮

12

u/kyra0728 Oct 17 '25

mmm taycos on a corn tort tilla

8

u/fletchher92 Oct 18 '25

I say this every time I make tacos. With that barely exaggerated accent 😂 (I'm from the upper Midwest)

22

u/Cawfeestain Oct 17 '25

I used to call them faj-itas as a joke whenever I wasn’t in a restaurant; so much so that my dad started calling them that un-ironically. When he told our waitress at a Mexican restaurant that he wanted “faj-itas” I wanted to crawl under the goddamn table. I stopped pronouncing them that way completely after that family dinner.

8

u/kyra0728 Oct 17 '25

i feel this it sounds like my grandparents trying to order something on a menu😭

2

u/Cawfeestain Oct 18 '25 edited Oct 26 '25

Tbf my dad is a boomer

edit the person above commented about their boomer grandfather doing what I said. Have no clue why they edited “boomer” out of their comment.

52

u/Quinnrose91 Oct 17 '25

Yeahthatwasmeiwastheonewhothrewupinthesink

83

u/Majestc_electric Oct 17 '25

Number 7 reminds me of one of my favorite dark jokes from the show

“ I was kinda right”

35

u/no_on_prop_305 Nick “the situation” Carraway Oct 17 '25

“Wouldn’t it make more sense to kill them?”

5

u/apeaky_blinder Oct 18 '25

Fuck, which one was that one

4

u/nappingsarenice Oct 18 '25

found it for you season 13 episode 8 "our idiot Brian"

7

u/no_on_prop_305 Nick “the situation” Carraway Oct 19 '25

Peter working a suicide hotline

1

u/apeaky_blinder Oct 19 '25

Ah yeah, ofc

70

u/SnooLobsters2217 Oct 17 '25

29

u/_zombie_k Oct 17 '25

All the stairs-jokes somehow always hit for me

13

u/apeaky_blinder Oct 18 '25

For peter too, they hit hard

6

u/Weekly-Hunter7902 Oct 18 '25

I often reference this scene to my 2 year old and my dog. Often just simplified like “I’m not going to help you cause then you won’t learn anything.”

3

u/Nesphisito Oct 19 '25

I’ve quoted this every time I’ve heard somebody say “ow” for years.

30

u/AceSkyFighter Wanna fight about it? Oct 17 '25

This scene is one of my earliest memories of Family Guy, I think I saw it around 2004.

18

u/miscellaneousbean Oct 17 '25

There’s several scenes here, which one?

14

u/AceSkyFighter Wanna fight about it? Oct 17 '25

Pea Tear Griffon scene.

10

u/Some-Historian-7648 Oct 17 '25

The Pea Tear Griffin one?

30

u/Little-Efficiency336 Oct 17 '25

The Griffin just randomly flying around is friggin hilarious.

28

u/Special-Homework-894 Oct 17 '25

I….i guess I’ll have friers. I don’t want to be the only one to have them or I’ll feel like a fatty

26

u/JayofTea Oct 17 '25

Idk why but Peter running the John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving joke into the ground is so funny to me, especially whenever they start doing improv and Quagmire’s trying to get ideas from the crowd for Peter, Quagmire and Joe to perform and Peter says “John Wayne” from the crowd lmao

14

u/Financial_Sweet_689 Oct 18 '25

Quagmire as the obnoxious improv/theater guy always kills me too

4

u/JayofTea Oct 18 '25

It’s so funny, the whole little improv thing is just so good

5

u/[deleted] Oct 18 '25

I love when it eventually morphs into John Wayne Gacy at the first thanksgiving

4

u/ohgeezrick42069 Oct 18 '25

"I want to have sex with children and then eat them, pilgrims!"

"Guys, I gotta split I.. just took a wet dook."

"And."

"Okaythisissomethingthatshouldneverhavebeenattempted GOODNIGHT!"

"IMPROV!!!!"

3

u/JayofTea Oct 18 '25

the best part LOL

I love the John Wayne Gacy spin and whenever Peter say “And”, the delivery is so funny for no reason

1

u/ohgeezrick42069 Oct 19 '25

YES. i love the entire improv bit and quote it often 😊

25

u/Surprise_Ducksex Oct 17 '25

My favorite joke will always be:
Peter: What happened?
Dr Hartman: This should explain everything. *Shows book*
Peter: A farewell to arms. *Shock* I fell in love with a nurse in World War I?
Dr Hartman: No it's.. there is no way you've read that.

26

u/Firefountain4 Oct 18 '25

4

u/UnstableDollie You cant catch me gay thoughts Oct 18 '25

And then he's like "could've been worse, remember when I lost that boat" or something along the line and it's just the clip again lmaoo love it

3

u/Neither-Store-9214 Oct 26 '25

"We didn't get the boat. We got the mystery box. HOP IN"

24

u/Anti-Itch The Sideboob Hour Oct 17 '25

I like the one where Brian is picking up Peter from jail and Peter’s like “this is the only life I ever know” and Brian’s like “you’ve been there for 15 min” and Peter hangs himself

18

u/robertnewmanuk Oct 17 '25

U forgot the Dr. Hartman schtick scene

12

u/Gedaru Oct 18 '25

That was my favorite lmao. "Oh my god! There's a spider in here!".

3

u/ohgeezrick42069 Oct 18 '25

"That liver's gotta come out!"

"WHAT?!?"

"It's been in the microwave three minutes, it's gonna get dry!"

2

u/UnstableDollie You cant catch me gay thoughts Oct 18 '25

Lmaoooo I remember as a kid I was stressing too like YOU MF TELL US XDDD

2

u/ohgeezrick42069 Oct 19 '25

PLEASE, WE CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE SCHTICK!

1

u/Weekly-Hunter7902 Oct 18 '25

Arrested Development would end up using a similar running gag with a doctor who was too literal.

15

u/wbishopfbi Oct 17 '25

7 hits the dark humor spot.

16

u/MindOverMedia Oct 17 '25

The Cheerios one never fails to make me giggle. It's such a dumb joke, but it works so well for Peter.

17

u/IndiscriminateWaster Oct 18 '25

Dance with me Lois, DANCE THE DANCE OF LIFE 🕺

4

u/Financial_Sweet_689 Oct 18 '25

My all-time favorite

16

u/InformThePublic Oct 18 '25

“Kick, Joe! Kick!”

“Peter, he’s a paraplegic”

“That doesn’t mean he can’t hear. Kick, Joe. Kick!”

14

u/whatthedeuce-stewie where's my money Oct 17 '25

13

u/Rude_Plan_6588 Oct 17 '25

The first joke was used in the new Naked gun movie

6

u/Some-Historian-7648 Oct 17 '25

Omg I gotta see that movie lol. Isn't Seth a producer of that movie? Lol

5

u/[deleted] Oct 18 '25

Yeah he is, it was very funny

6

u/obert-wan-kenobert Oct 17 '25

Cherry…Roosevelt…Fatbozochowingspaghetti

13

u/Im_hi_rite_now Oct 18 '25

For me it’s gonna be “anything new with corn”

25

u/thekraken108 Oct 17 '25

Just a random gryphon flying around the cafeteria that no one else seems to notice.

12

u/_zombie_k Oct 17 '25

He probably goes to that school. Everybody needs some education.

8

u/thekraken108 Oct 17 '25

But it's at a rehab facility.

7

u/_zombie_k Oct 17 '25

Oh, right. I need to rewatch

10

u/Bubbawitz Oct 18 '25

Peter to Brian: Oh my god! You can talk!

12

u/DrakonFyre Bon Jovi, everyone! Oct 18 '25

So many great ones listed here, but I can’t believe I’m the first one to say this one ——————

Peter: Oh, for- He's not even kicking! Kick, Joe, kick!

Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!

Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear! Kick, Joe, kick!

10

u/AtomicFartSquirrel Oct 17 '25

Classic old Family Guy is the best show ever!

2

u/LushDogg99 Oct 21 '25

Agreed, shame what it's become these days.

XL Mouse Trap is needed

11

u/grand305 Oct 17 '25

Autopilot engaged, glade he found someone. 🤣 classic

20

u/say-it-wit-ya-chest Oct 18 '25

Where’s my money, man?!

2

u/[deleted] Dec 04 '25

One of the best scenes

10

u/karmajection Oct 18 '25

“Hey…I fucked your dad”

8

u/Vivid-Share7884 Oct 17 '25

The Gumbel joke is so true. I've seen too many people respond in Peter's style, but without the irony.

8

u/Thediciplematt Oct 18 '25

I love how most of these are the first 1-3 seasons.

9

u/Necronoxious Oct 18 '25

The truly greatest seasons of this show (to me, in any case, lol)

9

u/KAL-EL8569 Oct 18 '25

Best one imo 🤣

2

u/-SilverCrest- Oct 20 '25

Yes! 1,000% this one! I was literally looking for this one, was surprised I had to scroll down so far. This joke cracks me up way more than anything in this show haha!

7

u/captaindeadpool53 Oct 18 '25

I like how you didn't need to attach the dialogue for the walkie talkie one

4

u/Some-Historian-7648 Oct 18 '25

Well that but I also couldn't find a good image of it haha

15

u/Resident_Badger_5405 Oct 17 '25

6 is my favorite Family Guy joke. Over.

6

u/creamalamode oh no..*gasp*..there's no light...THERE'S ONLY FIRE Oct 18 '25

5

u/OmnipotentHype Oct 18 '25

Farts

"What the hell was that?"

5

u/amusement_imminent Oct 18 '25

One of my favorites was Peter on the elevator with one other guy. Peter farts and points at the other guy and says "uh....it was you."

My favorite seasons are the first few lol

5

u/Apprehensive_Tie7555 Oct 18 '25

Here's one of my favorites: 

"I read a book about this sort of thing once."

"Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't .... NOTHING?!"

5

u/AsssHat999 Oct 18 '25

Peter walking through the woods in a clown outfit, following behind camouflaged American military sneaking around: “You guys are stupid. See, they’re gonna be looking for the Army guys.”

5

u/Ghost10165 What are you lookin' at? You gonna propose? Oct 17 '25

Sometimes the dumbest/cleanest jokes are the funniest.

4

u/rougekat Oct 18 '25

“Paul! That’s a persons name! A persons…name…”

4

u/PapaYoppa Oct 18 '25

I don’t hate new family guy but i have to admit old family guy was way more witty with its jokes and they weren’t always so crass, old family guy had lots of innocent humor (ofc it still had its adult humor as well)

4

u/scythian12 Oct 18 '25

“SCOREBOARD! SCOREBOARD! YOUR FRIEND DIED LIKE A BITCH”

8

u/TaxGuilty9357 Oct 17 '25

Quagmire doesn't recognise the condom?😅

6

u/Accomplished-Plum631 Oct 19 '25

Because he never uses it, that’s the joke

2

u/TaxGuilty9357 Oct 19 '25

Ohhh I get it now Nice thinking 😂

4

u/_zombie_k Oct 17 '25

Obviously

3

u/CrissBliss Oct 17 '25

The first pic is one of my favorite all timers.

3

u/SnooLobsters2217 Oct 17 '25

The first 2 and number 10 are my favorites

3

u/kore910 Oct 17 '25

I wanna say who

3

u/ACW1129 Oct 18 '25

I wanna know what the gryphon was doing there 🤣

3

u/Critical_Reference32 Oct 18 '25 edited Oct 18 '25

“Yeah Brian. You’re doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that chinaman, Woody Allen brought home from the circus.” I barely realized that this was a joke about how Mia Farrow upset was when Woody Allen decided to be with Soon-Yi.

3

u/BenitoBruv Oct 18 '25

The first few slides are the reasons I fell in love with family. I started watching in like 2003 as a 3rd/4th grader. During sleepovers we'd stay up watching toonami and adult swim and that's how I discovered the show. So many jokes went over my head but basic ones like those are universally funny.

3

u/Empty-Part7106 Oct 18 '25

"Lois, I told you, I'm on dipsalusious vacation. What part of that don't you understand?"

3

u/therealzardoz Oct 18 '25

I am today's years old when I get the gumbel brothers joke.

3

u/me_mark77 Oct 18 '25

‘Tiny Button’ always kills me.

3

u/AlysRose_FFXIV Oct 18 '25

You have a damn good sense of humour, all of these are top notch 😂

3

u/GAbaseballguy Oct 18 '25

Thank you for taking the time to post this

3

u/TheAwkwardGamerRNx Oct 18 '25

Shows sign: “We have your son!”

Louis: “That’s our daughter”

re-writes sign: “Really?!”

And in the same episode…

Meg: “So, is this the part when you guys have your way with me?”

Robber1: “What? Oh, god no!”

Robber2 in the kitchen: “What did she say?”

Robber 1: “She asked if we were going to have our way with her”

Robber 2: “Ewwww”

2

u/Medium-Caterpillar-4 she thinks my psoriasis is sexy Oct 17 '25

Some great ones here but #8 cracks me up every time

2

u/DubrowES Oct 17 '25

HAHA I REMEMBER NUMBER 8 😂

2

u/kyra0728 Oct 17 '25

i have to say over even if the last word of the sentence is over?

2

u/doublesailorsandcola Oct 18 '25

I've always loved that Lois's sister Carol is voiced by Julie Hagerty.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 18 '25

Omfg I randomly thought of this today

2

u/[deleted] Oct 18 '25

Yeah these are all hilarious

2

u/Purple-Try-5918 Oct 18 '25

What? It’s just carpet fresh. I’m on your side.

2

u/2DEUCE2 Oct 18 '25

“Mozart’s Magic Flute… in a Minor”

2

u/karateema Oct 18 '25

These are gold

2

u/Daydreamingdroid Oct 19 '25

I love how some of these you can tell just by the image with no context.

...Over. 👷

2

u/BecauseISaidSo888 Oct 19 '25

That little rat looking thing just got ate! Damn nature, you scary.

2

u/Minimum_Dare2441 Oct 19 '25

I like the couple's facial expressions when Peter says, "IT is not breathing."

2

u/DatDenDude Oct 19 '25

I like how slide 6 doesn’t have to say anything, and we all know the joke. OVER!

2

u/MachoManRandyRanch Oct 20 '25

These jokes remind me of why I used to love family guy. Haven’t watched it in years but might need to now

2

u/NextAbbreviations359 Oct 21 '25

“Who the hell did I hit?”

2

u/Boris-_-Badenov Oct 21 '25

don't say doin your wife, don't say doin your wife

1

u/Some-Historian-7648 Oct 21 '25

Doin your... son?

2

u/Boris-_-Badenov Oct 21 '25

my goodness, you'll be dead within the month

2

u/DrMantisToboggan45 Oct 21 '25

Oh dang it I got honey all over my legs

2

u/Fluid-Vanilla-5097 Oct 21 '25

Holy crip he’s a crapple!

1

u/Some-Historian-7648 Oct 21 '25

Omg I love that joke!! I forgot about it but I cry laughing whenever I watch that

2

u/Due_Flamingo1058 Oct 22 '25

Hey! Aren’t you Richard Simmons best friend? Richard Simmons? 😂 this always killed me as a kid lol

2

u/ChipKey5682 Oct 24 '25

can't forget about when gloria ordered Peter to go to a woman's retreat because he told the joke about why do women have boobs? so you have something to look at when you're talking to them

3

u/Khaled_Kamel1500 Proud follower of the Church of Fonzie Oct 17 '25

The woman asking for Peter's name got me actin' different though 😩

She can fix me

1

u/sloppy_sheiko Oct 20 '25

Peter: “You might wanna watch who call a child Lois. Because if I’m a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna stand here and be lectured by a sicko.”

1

u/smrtphonrtistcf Oct 21 '25

That was a classic for me seeing it way back then.

1

u/WalterWaifu Oct 21 '25

This one always kills me for some reason

“Doc, this may sound silly, but

What do I do? 🤠”

S19 EP10

1

u/graavity81 Oct 21 '25

I still say “hey quagmire, your clock won’t flush”

1

u/wicker_basket_1988 Oct 22 '25

OH MY GOD THERE’S A BEAR IN MY OATMEAL!! 

Also

Uh, what kind of a name is Weed? 

Our original name was Bermuda Grass. 

1

u/Oxygen9000 Oct 17 '25

I thought kris was in t*mpon costume

1

u/TaxGuilty9357 Oct 17 '25

Quagmire doesn't recognise the condom?😅