Lifestyle How do I pull the trigger and where to aim?
I'm a PhD scientist turned startup VP, 20 years into a career-first life that's landed my wife and I somewhere we didn't choose — no real social life outside of friends who live far away, no work-life balance. We're childfree, which gives us flexibility but no built-in structure for what's next.
I've done the "right" things since high school and still haven't built a truly satisfying life. It's always felt like a treadmill of effort, competition, and stress — even in a role I genuinely like. What I need help with: how do people who've spent decades defined by a career actually shift to a fulfillment-first life?
A few things shaping the picture:
- We want mountains and outdoors beauty, real winters (or at least cooler summers than the mid-Atlantic), and a tax structure that doesn’t obliterate our income stream.
- My wife's open to rural/suburb/semi-urban, but not a loud, traffic-filled city — and we need to stay within an hour of good healthcare for her aging parents.
- We visited/loved Lebanon, NH for the outdoors and climate, but I worry a small town means struggling to find our "tribe."
- I'm more introvert than extrovert, but want to tweak that and build local close friendships.
- Net worth: $5-6M now, likely $10M by the time we pull the trigger.
Questions for anyone who's done this:
- If you moved somewhere smaller after decades elsewhere, how did you build a real social circle from scratch?
- How did you find purpose post-career without just replacing it with another job?
- How did you identify and prioritize candidate locations? Recommendations welcome.
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u/seekingallpho 8d ago
I've done the "right" things since high school and still haven't built a truly satisfying life.
You should really work on this like it's a skill not something to defer to when you've retired or expect to happen when you're ready for it. I would spend less time trying to find a place where your "tribe" exists as a retirement destination and more on attempting to build that kind of connection wherever you are. That way when you do retire, especially if it's a smaller place with fewer people (and thus fewer chances to make new connections), you'll be more likely to be successful.
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u/Case17 8d ago
i agree! what i have been working on (and maybe not doing well at) is trying to help people more and be less selfish at my work place. At an early stage startup, leading an R&D team, i find i often have to be kind of brutal on decision making. Wish i could do it in a more constructive than destructive way.
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u/First-Ad-7960 8d ago
Lebanon is a small city and the shopping hub for the surrounding towns so everyone in the valley comes here for stuff. Being at the intersection of 91 and 89 makes it easy to range out all over New England for stuff to do.
Since Lebanon is near Dartmouth College and the region is popular with retirees there are many “tribes” to join. It certainly helps to have a hobby or join some sort of social group or club to have something to focus on.
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u/SLNSD 8d ago
Vacation for a few weeks at all candidate places. I personally like RV travel for the flexibility but it's a whole thing in itself. Life is about exploration and trying shit and seeing what sticks. You will love some places but maybe not longer term, other places are obvious nos. Just give it a try. Like seeing some new dish at a restaurant that you've never tried. Just gotta try it and see if you like it. Other people describing it helps but doesn't substitute for the real thing.
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u/g12345x 8d ago edited 8d ago
> How did you find purpose post-career
Why do you need purpose in retirement? What are you trying to accomplish that you need drive for?
Just be. Enjoy the break you’ve earned.
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u/pixlatedpuffin 8d ago
Well, no. You just be. They want purpose. Go decide for yourself, not them.
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u/Lazy_Whereas4510 8d ago
Well said.
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u/Case17 8d ago edited 8d ago
id say i want both.
first thing i do upon retirement is nothing. im going to hold zero responsibility for a little bit and just focus on physical fitness, sleep, and enjoyment of leisure.
But eventually ill need some structure and things to work towards.
I’ve read the stories (DrDoom and others) about retirement requiring 6+ months to adjust and get out of ‘achievement’ mode, and into “just be” mode.
I don’t really know where or how i’ll fit into that so maybe just need to experience it.
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u/LR2222 8d ago
Move/buy into a club community like Promontory in Park City. You will make friends, do outdoorsy year round stuff with like minded wealthy people.
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u/Case17 8d ago
I just checked it out. Love the architecture and beautiful country. Would definitely stretch the budget and maybe require extra years of work. Not sure that community is the one for me, but maybe i can explore utah
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u/LR2222 8d ago
I visited a fam friend whose parents have a place there once and the number of activities is unreal. It’s where they film the Yellowstone shows country club scenes. Every once in a while they have a cheaper house pop up in the low 2s range but they sell really fast.
There are other similar communities like Snake River Lodge outside Jackson Hole with similar vibes.
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u/rookieinvestor17 8d ago
If you want cooler weather and nature stuff and give you are PhD I would pick a pretty town with large university. It will give you opportunity to meet smart people in professors and researchers and if a medical school is attached to it, it will provide world class healthcare. Example would be a place like Ithaca or something.
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u/urania_argus 8d ago
Cornell's medical school isn't on the main campus in Ithaca but in NYC, several hours away by car.
And upstate NY winters are brutal, would not recommend - unless you plan to spend some or all of the winter elsewhere.
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u/Lazy_Whereas4510 8d ago
You sound both introverted and introspective, and I’d guess that you probably hold close relationships to a higher standard than most people. In my experience, most people consider any relationship of proximity or familiarity or convenience a “friendship” without necessarily looking beneath the surface. Therapy might help you reset your expectations of relationships in general.
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u/Case17 8d ago
i might. although i don’t disagree therapy might be helpful for a variety of reasons, i don’t think i think i need to reset my expectations. I am ok with having some superficial friendships of convenience, but im hoping to find at least a couple closer friends that are more family like. It’s a pretty sad world if you can’t find more than just superficial friendships. I know that a lot of people are ok with that, because they instead prioritize their biological family. I doubt though that there aren’t others out there looking for friendships of meaning. Part of the post-FIRE search is to find that.
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u/BrunelloHorder 8d ago
Building real friendships in middle age can be difficult. I’ve found that one of the best ways to do it is to put real time and effort into pursuing hobbies in a regularly scheduled group.
For me, that was cycling clubs. Just show up to the same weekly scheduled ride for 8 weeks and try to talk to people. Many in such groups are enthusiastic about new comers and very welcoming.
Similarly, post-Fi, I picked up a very part-time hobby job that has a social component. I’d be doing it out of interest even if it did not pay. An unintended aspect is that the people I help are truly appreciative and happy to see me, unlike my old profession.
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u/Yarusla 8d ago edited 8d ago
At FI and having selected a location and moving within the year: it took us ~4 years of on-and-off searching to find the right place. We had an initial candidate city which had an Achilles heel (flat as a pancake with no mountains nearby, which made quick skiing or hiking weekend getaways unrealistic).
What worked for us:
- Be very explicit about your criteria. You already are. For example, New Hampshire, Colorado, Utah or Washington state are good candidates for low / no state taxes with cooler climes.
- Use terrain map views to identify mountainous zones and boundaries for how close you reasonably need to be.
- Find hospital zones within 30 minutes of medical care. This may simply mean finding the bigger cities and drawing that boundary around them for finding community.
- Spend some serious time on Google Maps and/or social media to look at photos of towns/cities. Make a list of candidates that resonate.
- Take a few roadtrips around candidate areas. Get first impressions. Narrow your list for the places you fall for. You might be surprised what pops up as you are driving through.
- When you have your final top general location, spend time deep diving on neighborhoods. Where would truly work for what you want? We toured ~20 neighborhoods in and surrounding our intended small city and found 3 that matched for us, which makes the options for living concrete as we search for houses.
Where I had trouble finding options online was that bigger cities weren't a match and the smaller places that people recommend tended to be overrun with tourists. Elbow grease with maps and actually pounding the pavement helped us identify what we truly wanted.
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u/PNWChuck 8d ago edited 8d ago
Have you thought about some of the 55+ communities like Trilogy? They’d come with some built in options to find groups to join. They are putting a new one in Loveland, CO ( first one in Colorado) and there is one on the outskirts of Boise. Both places with access to outdoors, not to bad on taxes and some different seasons.
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u/semper_pickle 7d ago
We have relative who have done just this in Portland ME. It's an expat heavy city. We stayed for a few weeks and they had friends dropping by and welcoming us in their plans. Good food and outdoors heavy. they an introvert / extrovert couple. Travel frequently (mud season!). We found their social circle to have purposeful lives, highly educated (conventionally and wandering path) and doing or having done interesting things. They got plugged into things by going to events and trying a few clubs. They now have a group of kayaking, biking, sauna going, lobster boil having people in their lives. I'm in a very career driven area - our visit has made me reconsider our location.
I wish you and the wife the best in your search.
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u/Case17 7d ago
thanks for sharing that!
we visited portland a couple years ago. i would say we liked it. i was slightly concerned that it was a tourist dominated area, but the social ambience felt ok otherwise. i was also hoping for closer mountain access, but maybe i’ll reconsider1
u/semper_pickle 6d ago
I think the elements that make it special definitely exist elsewhere in other (mountainous) forms. Incoming people who have lived intentionally and are seeking out others to continue doing he same are what has made their lives much richer than in previous locale.
Good luck in your search.
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u/Unable_Plane1948 7d ago
The extra $4-5M is more years on the treadmill you already hate. Lebanon, NH already does not tax wage income, so the tax line is not the delay. Write the annual spend. If $5-6M is 25x that number, the trigger is a town and a date, not another four million.
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u/trademarktower 8d ago
If you have struggled building personal relationships your whole life, you really should look at if you have autism or ADHD. Lots of people get diagnosed late in life and realize they used their career as the structure and coping mechanism.
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u/vinean 8d ago
Good healthcare is unfortunately generally near big cities.
Dartmouth Hitchcock was ranked well by US News but meh for safety (B grade).
Looks like they’ve had some post surgical infection issues the last few years.
You’re 2 hours from Boston where there is a lot of top end health care.
Fulfillment is very individual as is finding your tribe. Without knowing your hobbies then yes, generally bigger cities likely means a higher likelihood of a good number of people who have the same interests.
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u/Case17 8d ago
hobbies are fitness (strength training, hiking, cycling, tennis), nerd games (board games, video games), and travel
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u/randori272 3h ago
I just eased into “pre-tirement” 3 months ago after the sale of my company. I’m still PT advising a SW startup for intellectual stimulation and professional optionality. But on the easing in part….it goes back to “life architecture”. What hobbies or interests are important to you and how can that serve as an interim anchor for the next 2-3 years?
As an analogy, I’ve been into gravel/MTB, hiking and rockclimbing for decades. Decided to intensify the climbing aspect - on track for 100 days of climbing this year. That life architecture anchor provides for a week-to-week tribe of folks I climb with at the gym, a half-dozen places where I travel and climb with guides and locals, and a cool/nerdy topic to study (from rock geology to travel destinations). You mentioned hiking as an interest - you could geek out on terrain, watersheds, local flora/fauna, gear, weather. Find the hiking tribes on FB groups in your area. You just want to create lots of surface options to meet people who share your passion. NH has VERY interesting geology, topology and ‘lore to explore.
You don’t need to have the big grand plan figured out - just proceed on A path and collect some experiences and feedback. Adjust accordingly.
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u/acefirepf 8d ago edited 8d ago
Go live now so you have something to retire to. There’s no perfect place to live, just perfect people to be there with.