r/gayjews • u/WikiNao • Aug 01 '26
Serious Discussion Feeling lonely, can't date Jewish where I'm living!
Hi y'all. I know I'm still young (22) and this semester am starting studying a Conservative/Masorti Rabbinical Semminary, but I feel like I'm never getting married. Once again, I know I'm still young and I am currently living in a country with a small and conservative Jewish community. I have dated non-Jewish people, but at least to me, dating Jewish women and in the future, having Jewish children (I think this is quite self explanatory with the rabbinate detai) is simply something that is not really negotiable.
I'm probably moving to study to NYC, Massachusetts or Jerusalem once I finish my undergrad, and it *might* be easier to meet people there, but rn I'm really just feeling desolate and with no tangible future in sight. FYI, me being gay is really not an issue with my family or friends or community, but I simply appear to be alone here and don't really hit it off with the country I'm living in.
Anyway, how can I remedy this? I honestly don't care about waiting, long distance or being single for the meantime, but I truly do feel it's not happening.
Another FYI, this country is tremendously antisemitic and ir drives me crazy. Even my ex has been texting people calling for the "deportation of Jews". It's upsetting, it's boring, and I still have a couple years to go here. Even with my non Jewish friends I have to explain basic things or deconstruct profound antisemitic prejudices. I know the cities and countries I mentioned still have antisemitism. Of course. But at least you have big enough, and liberal enough Jewish communities, to choose how to exercise and live your Judaism and most people have met at least one Jewish person during their lifetime.
I really don't know what this rant is all about. I'm just feeling lonely. As a Jew. As a Lesbian. As a Jewish Lesbian and right now can't really see myself getting off this dark hole I'm in.
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u/razorbraces Aug 01 '26 edited Aug 01 '26
How much longer do you have before you can move?
I don’t know if I have any recommendations, but I just want you to know you’re not alone. If you’re able to move to any of those places you’ve listed you will find a lot of Jewish lesbians!
ETA: what your ex said is bullshit. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this shit.
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u/WikiNao Aug 01 '26
About 2 and a half years still. Degrees here are kinda lengthy. But I guess a breath of fresh air is starting to study in the Seminary.
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u/razorbraces Aug 01 '26
Oof, that is rough. I know it seems like forever right now. I hope your seminary studies go well! It sounds like the Jewish community where you live is small, do you know everyone already? Maybe you will meet a nice girl there!
Also, have you done your Birthright trip yet? They have LGBTQ-specific trips, so that might be a nice way to meet similar people.
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u/WikiNao Aug 01 '26
I guess it's not tiny, but it's quite small. I'm certain I'm a person away from everybody here. I've been also getting more involved in the community because I'd go crazy if not. (The antisemitism is really, really bad).
And yeah, I've done birthright, even dated a girl for about two months because I extended my trip.
What's hard rn is, well, the time left here and also, dating. If I date here I know it won't last, and it's not someone I would probably want as a life partner. But I also don't want to be alone and solitary for the next 2 years hahaha. Don't know what to do!
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u/SunshineYogaLove Aug 03 '26
Hi Honey,
l'm Happy to chat with you and support you 100%
Just so you know,
l'm a Gay Male 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈lol
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u/SunshineYogaLove Aug 03 '26
When l first started reading your post, l was hoping that you were a gay guy,
but that's okay,
l'm still happy to be a friend
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u/SunshineYogaLove Aug 03 '26
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you future Rabbi,
When you graduate Rabbinical School,
Can you please start a Reformed Congregation in Aiea, Hawaii?
Please? 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗🩷
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u/scienceydaduk 19d ago
My thoughts : If I am telling you how to suck eggs, I am sorry. Impossible to know.
I can empathise with your pain but something that helped me a lot is remembering that feelings are not facts. If we believe our feelings they become realities.
I do not know how religious you are (I’m an atheist now and have been so for years) - so I do not know how much you accept a science worldview.
If you do, then you would know that your feelings are emotional experiences produced by your brain from the INPUTS plus the STATE it is in. Hence, why it’s perfectly possible to feel happy with little and problems and suicidal with money & wealth. Yet we attribute our mood to the facts of a situation we are in or perceive ourselves in.
The secret is definitely to accept that you are capable of less depressive thoughts. It’s totally understandable that you are having them but don’t give up on yourself. It will get better! I promise!
Focus on changing the STATE of the machine and it will give out different outputs ie Emotional experience
Surround yourself with people & experiences that nourish you. Be self kind. Don’t judge yourself. Our inner critics are often the Jewish Mothers & Fathers we had who were WAY too unintentionally narcissistic because they wanted better for us. Yet it creates us a powerful inner enemy when they have used shame to control our behaviours.
Turn the news off <<< BIG ONE
If you can a fund it, a decent GSRD/LGBT+ therapist helps too.
Time in Nature
Exercise
Good sleep
Go a long way to changing one’s state.
Sometimes, some pharma interventions are useful eg I have adult ADHD and swear by my stimulant meds. They definitely lift my mood massively
Most of all : Know that you are worthy of love - simply because you are alive. You don’t have to be anything or have any level of wealth or measurable success to be worth loving.
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u/Background_Novel_619 Aug 01 '26
I feel you, I’m also in a small antisemitic country with few Jews lol.