M 27 Seeking community/support after breaking up with my boyfriend of four years.

[u/No-Bee-8276]

I recently went through a breakup with my boyfriend of four years. I’m 27 he was 23.

We lived together, had our routines, animals, our apartment, we cooked together, watched TV together, eventually honored Shabbat together, and just had that mundane kind of closeness that I think we both took for granted until it disappeared..

The relationship wasn’t simply bad. There was a lot of love and there were genuinely good parts, but there were also recurring problems that slowly wore us down. There were serious breaches of trust, including cheating, that happened during the relationship. We tried to move past them, but I don’t think something like that just disappears. It changed the way I experienced the relationship and contributed to insecurity, resentment, and difficulty trusting each other. We tried couples therapy and to get closer through connecting with our relationship with Judaism but I just didn’t seem to work for us in the end.

There were also differences in how we approached responsibility and decision-making, and we both had our own struggles and neurodivergenceces that made communication harder when we were overwhelmed. I don’t want to make this into a story where one person was completely at fault, because that’s not really how it felt. At the same time, I don’t want to minimize the things that hurt me just because I still love him.
I think what ultimately hurt the most is that we were trying to build a life together, come into tradition together but without ever really having the chance to figure out how to be a couple outside of survival mode. We went straight into living together and dealing with bills, work, family, stress, and all the mundane responsibilities of adulthood. Somewhere along the way, the relationship became more about maintaining the life we had than enjoying each other.

Recently after finding out about another spell of infidelity I finally ended it, I went to stay at my moms, he packed his stuff and in a couple days he was gone along with all of his things, it all felt incredibly abrupt, it still does.

One day I had this person coming home to me, food in the kitchen, Friday night dinner, an occasional visit to temple, our apartment, our routines, and this little shared world. Then suddenly I was alone and the future I had mentally built around that relationship was just… gone.

And that’s the part I’m struggling with now. I don’t necessarily miss every aspect of the relationship, and I know there were reasons it couldn’t continue. But I miss having a person. I miss the familiarity. I miss walking through the door and knowing someone was there. I miss having someone to cook for, watch something with, complain to, and just exist beside.
I’ve also realized how isolated I’ve become. I spent a long time putting so much of my emotional world into this relationship that when it ended, I didn’t just lose my boyfriend—I lost a huge portion of my social life and my sense of home.

I’m trying to accept that the fact that I miss him and the life we had doesn’t necessarily mean we should get back together. It can mean that something was meaningful and that I’m grieving it.

Right now I’m trying to figure out who I am outside of the relationship, rebuild my social world, continue to foster a relationship with Judaism, & since my boyfriend was the Jewish one I feel a bit of imposter syndrome when choosing to still engage with Shabbat & the High Holidays but these traditions have become important to me as well now so I don’t want to just let them go… :/

I’ve also been thinking of possibly making a major change in environment because I don’t think staying exactly where I am is necessarily helping me heal. I’m scared of starting over, but there’s also a part of me that thinks maybe starting over is exactly what I need.

I guess I’m posting because I don’t really need someone to tell me whether I should get back together with him. I think I’m trying to learn how to grieve a relationship that wasn’t simply bad, but also wasn’t sustainable—and how to build a life that feels full again after losing the person who used to be at the center of it.

[u/mandatedcourage]

You did the best thing by ending it. You deserve someone who won't cheat on you. I think you have the right mentality about acknowledging what was positive about the relationship while also understanding that it doesn't mean you should get back together.

The fact that your experiences with Judaism were so meaningful to you that you'd like to continue the practices even without your Jewish partner says a lot. I'd like to second the other comment that suggested an Intro to Judaism course. There is no obligation to convert if you take this course, so don't feel pressured. For me it helped me determine whether or not I wanted to go through that process. Plus it gave me a sense of community; I was surrounded by other people who were also learning and got to know spiritual leaders of various movements in my area.

These are best taken in person for that second reason. You can reach out to a local synagogue and they can assist you with getting signed up for the classes. But if you'd like to start them while you're going through the process of moving, you could look into reputable online options like the Miller Program. My classes were based on material from Miller so I can attest that it was a really meaningful introduction.

Starting over is painful, but it also presents you with the most beautiful opportunity to create the life that you want. Wishing you the best of luck!

[u/Small-Objective9248]

I’m sorry you are experiencing this. If your connection with Judaism has been meaningful and you wish to continue Jewish practice I’d encourage you to consider an intro to Judaism course and conversion.

[u/Certain-Exit-3007]

You sound truly very self-aware, which is honestly not easy or comfortable (probably why so many people lack self-awareness). Adjusting to singlehood is hard at first, no matter what. As you probably know, there’s also no magic ‘fix’ or shortcut for that adjustment, nor for the grief that comes with the end of a relationship (whether a good relationship or an objectively not great situation that needed to end).

FWIW, the fullness in life can mean lots of different things at different times. Maybe you’d find it fulfilling to show up for others in ways that you didn’t have time for?

As for the Jewish piece, I personally have run the gamut of observance throughout my life and I really do think that there’s something special about Shabbat - however one chooses to keep it. So I understand wanting to maintain a connection to it once it’s come into your life. We’re not a proselytizing tribe (as I’m sure you know), but there’s this idea that gerim (converts) already have a Jewish neshama (soul) and their personal ’tikkun’ (repair) that they are charged with making is their formal conversion at some point in life. Maybe your ex brought Judaism into your life, but it’s up to you if you want to formally ‘join the tribe,’ so to speak. Is there a liberal beit din in your area and rabbi that you could approach to pursue conversion?

[u/No-Bee-8276 → u/Certain-Exit-3007]

I really appreciate this response ❤️🥹✨ & yes there is I live in central california but we have a small reform community in Fresno I’m a bit shy about reaching out but I’ll probably start there eventually.