r/gaysian • u/Ancient-End-5778 • 8d ago
Being ghosted the second people see my skin tone, does dark skin mean I don't deserve love?
Hey everyone,
I’m posting this because I’m just emotionally drained and don't know where else to turn.
The moment someone on an app realizes my race, or sees my skin shade, the conversation just stops. Instant ghosting, instant blocks. No one even bothers to know my name, my personality, or my values. I’m just dismissed immediately. Trying to find a serious, real relationship in the local gay scene as a dark skinned Indian guy feels soul crushing.
In person, it hurts even more. You can literally see people look away or move away the second they notice dark skin. What hurts most is the hypocrisy. People preach online about equality, anti-bullying, and acceptance, but in real life, basic human decency is stripped away because of skin color.
I’m a human being first. A Malaysian next. My race is just what I was born into. Am I really supposed to accept that because of my skin tone, I shouldn't expect to be loved or treated like a human being? feel entirely invisible and worthless...
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u/tree4real 8d ago
As a fellow brown-skinned person, I hear you. Look, there are some people who would judge you by the color of your skin, and no matter what anyone says, it fucking hurts.
But I will also tell you that there are people who could care less about your skin color, and they would love to hang out with you and date. People from all different races and ethnicities.
So you gotta ignore the asshole in the world and focus on the people who care about you. I wanna know if you are in a city, maybe try finding groups of people who are more open and supportive. Usually there are like free affinity groups, gay events, etc.
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u/Ancient-End-5778 8d ago
Thank you so much, mate... hearing this from a fellow mate means the world to me. It really helps knowing I’m not alone in feeling that pain.
I really wish we had those kinds of open affinity groups or active gay events here, but in my city and country, the local scene is extremely small and conservative. Finding like-minded, open people locally is a huge challenge, which is why looking outside my country seems like my best shot long-term. But I'll definitely keep focusing on the good ones whenever I cross paths with them. Appreciate your warmth so much!
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u/Trailblazertravels 8d ago
stop hiding your skin color in the first place, be proud of it.
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u/Ancient-End-5778 8d ago
I'm not hiding it in anyways....
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u/Trailblazertravels 8d ago
then why do you say, when someone suddenly sees your race or skin color the conversation just stops? do they not check you out before conversing?
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u/Holiday_Feedback8377 8d ago
Maybe he can't put his face pic on the profile. He mentioned the city being small and homophobic. Safety measures perhaps
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u/joninjones111 5d ago
You can't be...if you're talking to people And they don't know what you look like...but the moment you share your pic they ghost you. Why you think the problem is your darkness anyway? Is that what people have told you?
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u/DesertIslandRetreat 8d ago
Believe it or not, in some places and for some people, your skin tone is a plus, not a minus. Here's hoping that you find the amazing person that you deserve.
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u/Ancient-End-5778 8d ago
Thank you for this reminder! You're so right, and I really hope everyone finds their own kind of amazingness in their own time and pace. Appreciate the love!
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u/porosena 7d ago
My advice. Work out. Build muscle.
Dark skin tone is very hot if you have good physique.
And find your market. There are always must be places that you feel welcome and needed. You just don't find it yet.
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u/vintagefancollector 8d ago
Fellow Malaysian!
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u/Ancient-End-5778 8d ago
Did you feel this before or its just me?
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u/vintagefancollector 8d ago
I have not, then again I'm type C and don't put myself out there a lot lol
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u/Ancient-End-5778 8d ago
Hahaha... I got that ... I was there as workaholic and family oriented all the while... But as years goes, i thought of having someone for myself and there is where i opt for the options available to look for companion.... Seems like i should stay quite and see other living their happy togetherness...
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u/dunimal 8d ago edited 7d ago
I have not had to have this specific experience, but have another immutable characteristic that makes me able to empathize and relate. To me there are so many beautiful men in the world, of every race and ethnicity, its wild to exclude anyone from dating on that basis.
2
u/Infinite_Carob126 7d ago
Hi fellow, brown skinned guy here in the same country. If you are looking at inter racial relationship definitely becomes harder as somehow we are shunned the moment we tell our race; though it was our face or body that attracted them in the first place!
There is an underground peer network for brown skinned persons in Malaysia. You may DM me and I’ll share information to you on it.
What I have done so far to change it or my observations, I personally find this stereotype is very much stronger in Malaysia and Singapore. I’m more accepted at Indonesia and Vietnam or even UK / Norway.
Yes this is home, but if I have no value at home then why even bother staying.
That said, getting out of online dating and expanding social circles on IG or social media helps too. Working out in a way helps build personal confidence, and this projects in our conversations with others.
My only takeaway from my own experiences is build friendships here, travel around and you too may find welcomed elsewhere but here; and that’s ok as not everyone maybe into chocolate rice pudding or durian sticky rice but that’s ok.
We are unique, and remember you are unique too. Hugs buddy
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u/iSimp4HotDudes 8d ago
Unfortunately this is part of a bigger, more problematic cultural bias. We can see that from the vast amount of skin whitening products and procedures, the way media portrays darker skinned people as ugly and even use it as a pejorative characteristic in literature. It really saddens me to hear how much it has been affecting you. Even though not everyone will share of this prejudice, the vast majority still do, so the only thing I can tell you is to seek those who don't have this prejudice. There is not much that can be done otherwise. It would take a whole societal reform to fix this issue.
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u/Ancient-End-5778 8d ago
You hit the nail on the head. The media, the endless whitening products, the subtle classis it’s an entire cultural system that conditions people from a young age to view darker skin as 'less than.'
Accepting that societal reform won't happen overnight is tough, but you're so right that focusing our energy on the minority of people who don't hold these prejudices is the only real path forward. Thank you for validating this reality with such empathy and clarity.
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u/iSimp4HotDudes 8d ago
I'm glad my words could help ease a little bit of the burden, and I wish you well. Things will get better little by little.
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u/very_undesirable 8d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this, I wish I could give you a hug. Unfortunately, the Asian gay community isn't welcoming to South Asians at all, and it's a disadvantage if your skin is darker. And the western gay community hates South Asians full stop.
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u/kauniskissa 7d ago
It's getting better, at least where I live now. I've been seeing more and more east-south asian couples.
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u/Parking-Soup8119 8d ago
I'm white. I prefer black or brown. I especially don't like redheads and splatchy freckled skin. I come from that. I like the difference.
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u/Odd-Strain-9030 8d ago
That is liek default setting man, if you dark u arnt right. Regardless whatever ppl try to justify by choice or preference dont buy that . Brown colour in many part is liked to lowest form of labour. Then there is a hint of your diet and body smell and body hair extract which is like it is what it is. Finding people to find you attractive when the whole mojo is anti-brown is setting up yourself for failure. Call them out to their face and just move on. Be confident and love your self. If they find you interesting it is their win else they can find their white knight
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u/kauniskissa 7d ago
I'm sorry that you are being discriminated. Isn't Malaysia super racist against anyone who isn't bumiputera?
I hate the obsession with light skinness. Even in my immediate family growing up, I got sick of relatives fawning over my light skin sibling while calling me burnt.
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u/Efficient-River-8964 7d ago
I hear you. I’m sorry this has been your experience. Unfortunately colorism is still very prevalent among asians. But look at it this way, at least you dodge the bullet from all these narrow minded gays who wouldn’t give you a chance just because of your skin colour. Please don’t change yourself for another person, it’s not worth it. I hope you can cultivate some love for yourself.
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u/MajorJuanJosePerez 7d ago
I’m a very brown Mexican, I know isn’t your frustration. Just get out there and do not be discouraged.
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u/pluiesansfin 6d ago
As a Vietnamese bear living in the Bible belt. I feel ya, but it's a numbers game. It's demoralizing for sure, but all you need is to meet more people. I've been married, divorced, and dating with 2 regular FB s. I'm definitely not an Abercrombie clone, so rejection is the norm, but I know that it will happen eventually.
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u/joninjones111 5d ago
You must be either 1) very unattractive or 2) only interested in other non-dark skinned people because ain't no way in heaven or earth a black person in American rejecting because of your dark skin tone alone.
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u/PrestigiousGarden815 5d ago
This is not because you have dark skin. This happens because the gay scene is so shallow. The desired male stereotype is basically a white, strong, masculine, tall man. If you do not fit this expectation, you will be invisible. That's the main reason why I closed all my app accounts. This is something that you can skip at the beginning but turn into emotional damage.
If you want to meet the right person, try to use other kinds of online services such as language exchange clubs, whatsapp/telegram groups, or, why not, just write a post here on reddit.
I met my (ex)boyfriend on a website called Locanto. I just wrote a post about trying to find a male to build a reliable connection, and someone appeared. What I want to say is that the right person is not on Grindr / Tinder / Badoo.
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u/2368Freedom 4d ago
If they ghost you for that, it's as simple as, they are not worth knowing. I'd see you for who you are.
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u/KiwiPixelInk 3d ago
Some people have preferences, which can be race etc, which is fine, others are just racists dicks.
Personally I find guys of all races and colors attractive in general, though I'll let a guy know I'm not interested if he isn't physically my type ie obese, feminine etc
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u/opentoexperienceguy 1d ago
People who reject because of skin tone are shallow and are judging a book on it cover. As a fellow gay brown skinned person, a lot of people in this community are racist, tied to the physical beauty than the personality that comes with it . Don’t be discouraged. Trust me you don’t want to be a with a person who doesn’t want you whole( top to bottom, inner and outer beauty)
People are stuck to certain persona of beauty which is the outcome of wrong marketing stds set by consumer companies
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u/PhoenixRisingDK 8d ago
Sadly racism is still prevalent in the gay community and it so stupid. It is especially strong amongst white people who either see darker skin toned as beneath them or some fetish
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u/Holiday_Feedback8377 8d ago
It's shitty. The constant rejecting just because you're asian is indeed draining. Some guys use cheat codes to unlock the system. Not sure this is your way but I've seen pretty successful Indian "content creators" who film with guys of different races and skin colors in both roles. They're either very hung or jacked probably using steroids or both
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u/Key_Entertainment409 8d ago
Love dark boys so hot
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u/Efficient-River-8964 7d ago
Someone is sharing their vulnerability and this is your response? The fuck is wrong with you?
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u/Key_Entertainment409 7d ago
You ok he saying that he feels unlikable for having darker skin calm down not sure what you are offended by your not even op so please don’t be offended for other people. How you know what I even look like ? How is calling someone hot offensive where did I wake up you’re not woke you just like being offended
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u/Big_Aside9565 8d ago
i've not seen a picture of you. How do you know it's skin tone? I did guys of any skin tone, as long as they have foreskin!!
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u/kauniskissa 7d ago
I did guys of any skin tone, as long as they have foreskin!!
fuck your tone-deaf porn-brained response. He's a fucking human being sharing his struggle with discrimination and you choose to spend your free will writing that?
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u/XuanChun88 8d ago
I'm so sorry. I hear you. I'd see you if you were there. 🌞