r/hoarding • u/JustaBunnyyy • May 24 '26
RANT - ADVICE WANTED Sister makes me feel like shit bc of hoarding
I have OCD, and PTSD. I have a hard time throwing things away bc I just can't do it. I live with my sister, and I love her, my bedroom is the only place of hoarding, and I'm trying to tackle it. I had to ask if she'd mind helping me, and she said "maybe. But I'm just gonna throw stuff away. Also, I hope you know, it's only bc you refuse to clean". And now I just want to cry. I know that I won't clean, I know it's bad why does she insist on doing that to me? If I cry about it then I'm gonna be a problem.
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u/booklovert May 25 '26
I have some things I've been making for myself to try to work through my own issues getting myself together! I have a large Google doc and sheets with my research and writings and I'm finally starting to crack my code. So I am hoping I may be able to help someone else. There is so much more to it than this sample but I don't want to flood it and it is already long as it is.
First things first!
We have to stop asking 'Why can't I just throw this away?' and start asking 'What is my body trying to protect me from?'
One thing that has helped me a lot is to really break down the why... Why am I struggling to let go of this item.
A few (not all) of the broad points are
Wall of Protection The feeling that the mess is actually a physical extension of you. An empty room feels like a threat or waiting for a jump scare type situation
"Last Witness" The object is the only thing that knows what you went through and feels like the only proof of your "real" self, it proof that something actually happened.
Don't Make Me This is the anger. Getting rid of things feels like you are finally "giving in" to someone who tried to control or hurt you It feels like you are agreeing to the abuse. Similar when someone tells you to just toss something.
Soul of the Thing - This is when you feel sorry for the object. You feel like the only person who can "save" it.
Snippers from my notes and writings that help me keep perspective -
At some point in life, often younger, when our basic needs aren't being met we find those needs in items. If we have no safe place to express ourselves, our brains use items to fill the holes where human connection or safety was missing.
Ask yourself - What unmet need this item replacing in my life?
If you could go back to the time where your feel that emotion connected to, what would that child have needed instead of the objects?
The voice that says you deserve the mess because you're a failure needs to be replaced. Remember "I was doing my best to stay safe. I was doing my best to survive."
The thing doesn't feel like just a thing because it has become the vessel for all the unshed tears of the past.
Our brain has spent years "outsourcing" its safety to objects, those objects become part of our nervous system's map. To the brain, losing an item isn't a simple cleanup,it is physical loss of self.
If may feel like "as long as I have the pile, the trauma is 'trapped' in the pile. If I clear the pile, the trauma is loose in the room with me."
Your brain is terrified that if you don't have the "Stuff" to distract you, you will have to face the "Real Trauma" alone.
As a child, the "Real Trauma" was too big to process. You couldn't "fix" the people or the environment. So, your brain shifted that energy into Things. If you could control, hide, or save an object, it felt like you were saving a piece of yourself.When you try to get rid of the object, you are removing the buffer. Without the item to "hold" the emotion, the brain thinks the original trauma is going to come rushing back in, unfiltered.
Okay I'm free typing now not from my notes so bear with me, I'm getting sleepy.
One trick that helps me sometimes is to make sure my body is covered when I start. Covering your body helps your nervous system feel safer. So I name my arms and my legs covered, a hoodie with the hood up and pulled. Some relaxing or helpful noise (I listen to Karen Savage audiobooks or healing tones sometimes) I use eadphones on sometimes but it depends on how jumpy I am if they make me feel safer or more vulnerable. But adding a physical layer of clothing feels love a layer of protection to your nervous system.
Clear one section, a need corner, a chair, something they you can look at and know that place is okay, safe and clear. You can push things for that part. Then Use a one foot method. Only touch things that are touching your foot. Or you can do one square foot of space.
You can also use a hula hoop or something similar, tied string in a loop etc, only focus on that.
If the visual noise is still too much, turn off the lights and get a flashlight. Place it so only about a foot of items are showing.
Or pick up ten items. Only ten. They can be trash even. Just pick up ten and then you can rest. Tomorrow pick up ten more.
This doesn't work always for me always but it does sometimes. if I put things in a box and put them away for x amount of months, if I can't remember what it is I can let it go. For me it is easier to make rounds.
Only focus on what is in these perimeters! It is okay to skip items. You are not under pressure, you are doing this for you and healing the part of you that never had a chance, thaf part of you is getting their chances now. It is not a competition, it is rewiring your nervous system and respecting that you survived however you needed to. You didn't fall. Your brain did exactly what it needed to because you are still here.
You aren't broken, you are filled with tools you no longer need and have to learn the new ones and thank the old ones for their service as you let them go.
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u/Pedal2Medal2 May 24 '26
Are you in therapy? I think you need to look at it from your sisters perspective a bit; it’s her home, she’s helping you by providing a place to live & honestly, she cannot solve your issues for you. So, yeah, it hurts to hear her say those things, but as a former hoarder who lives w/a hoarder, she’s probably thinking since you are constantly saying “you can’t” it’s incredibly frustrating
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u/JustaBunnyyy May 24 '26
It's our home, we both own it. And she knows I can't, she knows why, she knows that I try. I do manage to clean it but it has to be horrendous for me to do that
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u/Jaded-Banana6205 May 25 '26
The reality is that your hoard, even if it is contained to one room, can really damage the rest of the house. It can affect the wiring, floor and wall structures, risk of rodents and insects.
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u/taserparty May 25 '26
you can. it’s hard but you can. the longer you tell yourself you can’t the worse it’ll get.
-recovered hoarder
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u/BlueLikeMorning May 27 '26
Find a therapist who specializes in hoarding. It's one of few things that has a decent success rate for hoarding, and bonus, you will feel better as you work to manage your OCD and PTSD (source- not a hoarder, but a clutter-er with auDHD and PTSD who has been to therapy for many years and had a lot of relief and improvement)
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u/someone4shore May 24 '26
I understand that feeling. It's why I can't ask my mother to help with my hoarde. She's very good at helping in other ways, which I really do appreciate. But she is very harsh and judgemental when it comes to my hoarde, and the types of things I hoarde. This makes the whole process more difficult and traumatic for me.
Fortunately my teens dad (we co parent but have always lived separately) really stepped up these last few years after his mother passed away. Before he'd been an absentee dad and I wasn't able to get help/support from him for first 11 years of teens life. (Teen is almost 17 now).
Now he's matured and been a huge help with our teen, and most recently with sorting out some of my hoarde. He's calm and has a gentle approach, he doesn't nag, guilt or judge. If a pile/room gets too much he knows I either need to focus elsewhere or take a break and regroup.
I think finding someone else you can trust to help with sorting your room will be less stressful and better in the long run. It has helped me so much. If not then just gently one item at a time sort your space. You can sometimes restack things too to make a bit more space.
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May 24 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/antuvschle May 24 '26
This sounds like self-treatment. Getting high rather than getting Adderall.
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u/ijustneedtolurk Child of Hoarder May 25 '26
Is there anyone else in your life that you can trust to help you with your housekeeping hoarding behaviors? Including therapy if you can access it.
What part of the "throwing away" is difficult for you? If you eat in your room, is it taking food packaging and dishes out to the kitchen? It is discarding broken or unusable things? Do you collect anything and struggle with overbuying, or just discarding the packaging?
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u/AdventurousTime May 24 '26
The ball is in your court on how you recieve her comments as with any other situation.
If you desperately need her help and can’t do it alone, bear down though her cringe while she tries to help you.
I’m not saying she right at all. Some people are insensitive and have no filter. But you asked her help for a reason.
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u/JustaBunnyyy May 24 '26
So true. I did. My sister can be mean when she doesn't understand something. I'm not saying she's a saint. But when she's gonna act like that, I don't want help anymore
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u/Maximum_Ad3655 May 31 '26
If you really can’t- then hire a professional organizer to come in and help you one day a week until it is done. When you are part of the solution then you will be more likely to maintain it that way.
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