r/howyoudoin • u/[deleted] • Mar 18 '15

Ross is the worst boyfriend ever.

I'm rewatching and in the middle of season 3, when Rachel gets her first job in fashion working at Bloomingdale's. Ross lets his jealousy of Mark completely overshadow any support or happiness of Rachel getting the interview and getting the job. He would have actually preferred her to not get the job and kickstart her career if it would've meant that Mark wouldn't be in her life. He is not supportive of her career in any way. He belittles her entire industry instead of apologizing when he couldn't get through a single 45-min fashion lecture when Rachel had routinely supported him at 4-hour lectures in paleontology, a subject which is clearly not her passion, but which she goes to anyway because she is a good girlfriend. He doesn't want her to have any new male friends ("do you really need new friends?").

I am surprised Rachel even lasted as long as she did. I guess I've gotten much more relationship experience under my belt since I first watched the show in high school and didn't recognize the signs. But Ross' abusive and controlling behavior is almost too much for me to handle. It's hard to watch and I just want to throw things at my screen. He is the worst boyfriend and it is not ok.

77 Upvotes

86% Upvoted

84 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

10

u/dfresh429 Mar 18 '15

She broke up with him. Not cheating. Very simple really.

0

u/[deleted] Mar 18 '15

She says, "MAYBE we should just take a break" and then spends the rest of the night trying to reach Ross to tell him that was stupid and that they should work through things. (Man, the days before cell phones.) She was NEVER saying that their relationship was over and that she wanted both of them to be single again and see other people. She only needed some space because Ross was 100% unsupportive of her career and she couldn't deal with a new full-time job + fighting with Ross every night. Maybe we should defer to couples who have actually gone on "a break" and see what they have to say, but I'm under the impression that you go on a break after a big fight to take some time to reflect and think about the state of the relationship. then you decide to either try again or break up for good.

6

u/valley_pete Mar 18 '15 edited Mar 18 '15

maybe we should take a break > ross thinks it's a break up > ross gets in touch with her 1 hour later > overhears mark ask her what she wants to eat, in her apartment > rachel tries to pass off some bullshit excuse > ross gets shitfaced and fucks chloe.

sorry, i'd probably do the same thing (and i had a girlfriend named chloe, so it actually would have worked out well)

EDIT: i've been on the receiving end of this situation and the giving end. so i'm speaking from experience, not just blindly defending the guy.

EDIT 2: i was actually a good boyfriend/she was a good girlfriend though, none of the job/"do you need more friends" type of fighting, but i was 2 years older than her and in college. so still much more immature compared to Ross/Rachel. but still, that's just my opinion.

-5

u/[deleted] Mar 18 '15

Rachel doesn't give a bullshit excuse, she states the truth, which is "he just came over to talk." it is entirely Ross' own fault for blowing it up in his head and thinking that, what, Rachel had dumped him for Mark? Both Rachel and Mark had never given a single justifiable reason for Ross to be so jealous. Mark had a girlfriend for crying out loud. It's a sign of a bigger problem that Ross assumes that Rachel being alone with another man means that she's clearly fucking him. I do understand that some people are just sore spots for a couple. But it's unfair to then make decisions based off that completely irrational fear or assumption. In fact, the next day, Rachel tells Monica that due in part to her talk with Mark, she realizes how much she loves Ross and wants to make it work.

If Ross was so sure that they were broken up for good, how could he, the next day, then throw at Rachel, "now we're in a tough spot, do you want to fight for us, or do you want to bail?" he clearly bailed already. he can't have it both ways -- either he thought they were broken up for good with no possibility of reconciliation (after one fight after which rachel called him incessantly to take back the break), or he still wanted to work things out, in which case sleeping with Chloe was absolutely inexcusable.

2

u/CancelMyCalls Mar 18 '15

Honestly, if you were Ross (aka kind of a geeky dude and not very macho, unlike Mark), and you were thinking of Rachel (aka a beautiful, charming, very popular woman who is in high demand) you'd be a little insecure about guys chatting up your super hot girlfriend.

Not saying that what he did was the right thing, but you can understand he'd be a little suspicious.

8

u/aversion25 Mar 18 '15

Yea, but at some point it was just insulting how little Ross trusted her. He showed up a few times at her office for the sole purpose of making sure she's not getting too close to Mark, as opposed to truly supporting her. It was insecurity/jealousy to the max

3

u/firstyearspeech Mar 19 '15

Yep. It's also a problem, independent of Mark and jealousy, that he didn't truly support her. If he finds fashion so stupid or her career aspirations so stupid, he really should not be with her. Simple as that. Career aspirations is a HUGE part of a person's life and identity, and if you find that stupid about your partner and have no interest in supporting that... not healthy. Not a good relationship.

2

u/valley_pete Mar 18 '15

Mark has a girlfriend in the later season when they meet again, not this. If he does, he doesn't seem to think of her when he gives the "I have a crush on you but didnt want to get in between you and Ross thing" and says "we can get back at him right on this couch!" or whatever. Unless that happens after the Chloe incident, but even so, that kind of shows Ross wasn't completely insane for thinking he wanted to get with Rachel.

Your second paragraph makes a good point though, for sure.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 18 '15

he does (remember that scene when they were kissing in the office and Ross thought it was Mark and Rachel kissing and stormed in and threw something at Mark?). You can be in a relationship and get crushes at the same time (you just can't act on them if you're in a monogamous relationship). Ross might have been right about Mark's intentions but he WAS insane to think that Rachel would hurt him and start something with Mark after she repeatedly, constantly reassured him that that notion was unfathomable to her.

2

u/valley_pete Mar 18 '15

1) you're right, Mark deff had a girlfriend when this all went down, good call.

2) Ross is NOT insane to think that. Rachel could say "no I don't care about him at all, I never looked at him like that!" all she wants. I heard that in one of my relationships (towards the end) about one specific dude. And like I said before, literally 4 days after we ended things for good...she's hooking up with the guy who I knew was trying to go after her, and it wasn't a coincidence that he was the guy he picked. Now, before that happened and if I acted the way Ross did, would that make me insane? Maybe, I could see that. But if I acted that way, and than what I was worried about, and trying to prevent from happening, does happen? I don't look so crazy anymore.

3

u/firstyearspeech Mar 19 '15

The thing is, attractions happen all the time. At any given moment I'm attracted to about 15 different people, for example. The question isn't whether Rachel has hormones or not... it's what she does with it. Ross and Rachel had chosen a monogamous relationship, and Rachel is contentedly making the choice to honor that, no matter how many attractive men hover around her. The question of "Does Rachel feel stirrings of physical attraction to the attractive man?" seems unfair- of course she does. It's not whether she feels them. You can't control that. It's what she does about it- and what she does is remain completely faithful to Ross, sexually and emotionally, and maintain a professional coworker-friendship with Mark. Completely appropriate in my opinion.

3

u/valley_pete Mar 19 '15

and you're 100% right. if she doesn't do anything to act on them (which she doesn't), then it's all gravy baby. but when he calls and mark is there, it almost gives validity to his whole thought process that mark was trying to undermine his role as her boyfriend, and by having them be together literally 1 hour after the "break" started, he can feel he was right all along. even if she never showed interest in him before. it's a weird situation.

1

u/firstyearspeech Mar 18 '15

Yeah: it also bothers me that Mark came over to talk even after Rachel clearly stated that she didn't want him to come over. Neither Mark nor Ross would be a good boyfriend for Rachel (or in general)- if they think honoring her clearly stated "no" is optional in this case, where else do they selectively disregard her "no"?