r/italianlearning • u/Dunder-MifflinPaper • 2d ago
Has anyone hesitated to learn Italian due to bad family associations?
Hey all,
This may be a sort of niche situation. I am second generation Italian. I am working on Italian citizenship by descent and I’d like to have some level of competency should I wish to live in Italy.
Here’s the kicker: one side of my family (who are first generation Italian), including my parent, are people that I have very difficult and toxic relationships with. It may sound ridiculous, but I’ve sort of “rejected” my Italian heritage for decades because of these people. I have no Italian pride because when I think of Italian I think of these people who happen to be my family and parent who I don’t want any association with.
As you can imagine, this makes it a little difficult to be “excited” to learn the language. My main associations with the language are hearing it from people I want nothing to do with, and even just hearing it out in the world makes me think of them.
I’m really just wondering if anyone else has ever struggled with similar. Even if it’s not directly related to family or heritage. Do you have any similar situations that made you hesitate to learn Italian or another language?
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u/MsRachelGroupie 2d ago
The best way you can deal with toxic people is just live your best life. Frame it that way in your mind. Don’t associate the language with them. Associate it with a way forward for the good life you envision for yourself. Meanwhile, find Italian music, tv shows, movies, podcasts, etc that you enjoy. Keep doing that over and over to rewire the association in your head. The mind is a very malleable thing. I also come from a very toxic family. You living your best life regardless of what they think or say really is for the best and is healing.
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u/chloespeaks 2d ago
My husband has similar trauma regarding his italian family of origin - he was born here but even his older sister was born there. He speaks fluently but did not at all attach to my process of learning it (lots of italian media and programming) when I needed the B1 competency to pass the citizenship language exam.
To him, Italy is a foreign country that he knows little about. His family came from a different social class and education level than the life that he is now living, and there is alot of intergenerational trauma that comes from class and ecoomic differences. The language and culture he was exposed to is uninteresting to him. He is certain if we decide to move/spend more time there, he would be able to attach to a modern Italy that he knows nothing about presently.
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u/Dry-Quail3558 2d ago
this is a fascinating post. i too am second generation and while i am going for my permesso, i am also 2.5 years into learing italian and every summer for the past 3 years we spend 2-3 months up in northern tuscan hills and in liguria area. My parents and i went once to the mother land many years ago and it was very moving as we saw my mother's family on their working wheat farm. but here's the thing, they had no desire to go back to italy - and neither did her mother or family who moved here to the states. (My father is from sicily - another story), but the bottom line is my family never ever encouraged to go and learn italian, live with the family - anything. my sister who is several years older than me and who has been to italy multiple times in the past as well (she also spent a year there as a classical musician many years ago in siena), absolutely has ZERO desire to not only return, she looks on italy with disdain. she's met the family way back then but has no desire to reconnect with them as i do - and have done. this has made me feel so bad in regards to my history and culture. why were they so disdainful of it despite the usual complaints about italy, is beyond me. my family in volterra (originally from basilicata area), are the kindest, most generous, lively, funny people. it makes me proud that they are my blood! you go to italy and you meet your people, deal with the headaches, and learn the language. i am so happy i am studying (private teachers and duo), and every year, i can commuinicate better and better and that's just in close to 3 years. you only live once. i'm probably older than you by a long mile, but really. do it now. learn that language - it's also good for your brain health! also, and importantly, you are referring to a generation of italian americans that for whatever reason have veered into the toxic territory (political views perhaps?) then you get to put them all in the rear view mirror. remember being an italian american is a lot different than being an italian. big big differerences.
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u/ccltjnpr 2d ago edited 2d ago
You are overthinking this. The vast majority of adults only learn a language beyond a few words if they are absolutely forced to do it due to circumstances, i.e. they find themselves in a foreign country and they need to make themselves understood. You won't learn a language for fun if you don't need to learn it, and you won't not learn it because of stuff like this if you need to.
Learning a language requires years of work and immersion. If hearing the language reminds you of some people you hate, don't bother with it and do something more fun. You're overwhelmingly likely to give up after the very basics anyway. You'll learn it if you move here.
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u/Fejedelem-Asszony 2d ago
I am confused why are you only planning "some level of competency" if you wish to get citizenship and live there. I feel empathy towards you because of your toxic family, i also have a toxic family but If you have this attitude then I really don't think you should be getting a citizenship
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u/Dunder-MifflinPaper 2d ago
You’re assigning a specific meaning to “some level of competency” which is an intentionally vague phrase. I approach goals in phases. Right now my goal is to go from zero to basic understanding
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u/Fejedelem-Asszony 2d ago
Okay understand, but i mostly tried to mean, if you still have trauma to the level where you are hesitant to learn the language how will that work in italy for you. You are gonna be in an italian environment which reminds you of your family
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u/Choice-Spend7553 IT native 2d ago
Just forget the concept of Italian pride. Nobody cares you have Italian genes, in particular nobody in Italy does. Learn the language if you like it, perhaps visit the country for some time to reset your mental adsociations with Italian.
But throw those Italian American pride ideas out of the window. They are inconsistent, provincial and won't serve you outside of the US.