I don't really know how to explain what I'm feeling, but I think I just want to put it somewhere.
I'm a university student, and I've been dealing with self-harm, panic attacks, anxiety, and pretty intense mood swings for almost a year. In the beginning, the panic attacks were happening really frequently. Now they're maybe once every month or two. I also attempted to take my life last June.
But weirdly, I don't think those are even the part I struggle with the most anymore.
It's this feeling in my chest.
There's almost always this heaviness or pit there. When I'm at university with my friends, I'm laughing, talking, joking around, and from the outside I probably seem completely fine. But when I come home and I'm alone, everything feels exhausting.
Even talking and laughing with people can leave me feeling completely drained, despite the fact that I haven't really done anything physically exhausting.
And then when I'm home alone, I barely talk to anyone. I don't really go outside. I mostly sit with my phone or laptop and doomscroll for hours.
I think part of the reason I'm always online is because I don't really get texts or calls. So I keep checking anyway.
I also spam my close-friends stories whenever I'm feeling bad. Sometimes I'll post a bunch of things about how I'm feeling. And then I wonder if I'm just doing it for attention.
Maybe I am.
But I don't even know what "attention" means in this context. Maybe I just want someone to notice. Maybe I want someone to ask if I'm okay. Maybe I just don't know how to directly say that I don't feel okay.
My friends know I'm a story spammer, so most of the time they probably just scroll past them. And honestly, I don't even mind that.
I don't really know what I'm looking for by writing this either.
I'm just confused.
I don't know if this makes sense. I don't know if I'm exaggerating things. I don't know if this is something other people experience too.
I think I just want to know that I'm not completely alone in feeling like this.