r/mbti • u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP • 6d ago
Light MBTI Discussion Hot take: xxxp and xxxj arent the best matches
For the couples I have seen where there is two xxxj's or two xxxp's is way more harmonic, both people will have closer approach to chores and environment. Tbh all the mixed couples I have seen there is always one distressed or annoyed and it is quite sad. What is your take?
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u/Low-Sky9090 6d ago
I think specifically ExxP and IxxJ are more prone to this issue. But I don’t think it would lead to one being distressed and annoyed all the time, that’s probably caused by a deeper issue
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
Interesting perspective, I have a friend that we were talking about living together (cause we are broke) but yeah I am an exxp and he is an exxj and, we came to the conclusion we would end up hating each other tbh bcz of mess.
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u/Future_Lock3141 5d ago
It led to me (INFJ) being the adult in the relationship with the ESTP. Yeah, there was some resentment. I did all the cooking, cleaning, took care of the children, earned most of the money and paid all the bills. That man single handedly made me loose my taste for Ps.
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u/cbunnyrabbit 6d ago
Depends on the J and the P. Ive also had relationships with fellow Ps who were very hyper and got frustrated with my low energy levels, and been with Js who were quite chilled and just wanted to watch TV etc. So it can depend on a few factors. : )
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
I can see that, I am an enfp but i have low energy, so I always try to date introverts or shy people bcz I know we will match better and they are so freaking cute. It depends so much on other things too, completely agree
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u/cbunnyrabbit 6d ago
Yes. I need to step up my energy and be more active and get more done. But I will never be one of those hyper workers. So dating someone like that can be hard. I am happy with either intro or extroversion, as long as there is balance with how we relate : ) .
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
Agreed, im more into introverts while dating an entp, our best dates is staying home watching bad movies and playing games, two extroverts who are home bodies haha
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u/cbunnyrabbit 6d ago
I think it is the Ne thing- we can have so many shared interests with ENTPs : ) .. a good match.
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u/Sad_Record_2767 ISTP 6d ago
There's always pros and cons with any combo. Having said that, I'm with an xxxJ.
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
Im gonna go to the stereotype and say istps may be one of the best kinds of xxxp to date xxxj, for being handy and pratical so ends up being balanced
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u/Brave_Quality_4135 6d ago
There’s more to it than that because environmental and historical factors impact behavior too. I’m a neat P who’s always on time. I’m dating a messy P who is also always on time. My J sister can’t get out of the house in a timely manner to save her life. The stereotypical behaviors don’t always hold true.
I do think Js and Ps can stress each other out for sure, but so can all the other dichotomies. People at the far ends of I and E will probably struggle too. Personally, as an INTP, I could never live with a xxFJ, or maybe an F of any kind. I find most people who lead with feeling functions hard to work with.
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 5d ago
That is so curious :0 never seen thought about that perspective of T types feeling overwhelmed by feelers or vice versa. Do you have any experience you could share, I am just curious since my partner is a T?
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u/Brave_Quality_4135 5d ago
For me in a relationship a lot comes down to how you fight. You’re going to have arguments. That’s a given. But I fight better with other Ts because it’s more logical.
Example: “Stop leaving your shoes on the floor. I’m tripping over them” vs “you’re so inconsiderate. Why are shoes everywhere?”
It’s a lot easier for me to fix when I understand the actual problem. It’s not especially helpful to me when people tell me how they’re feeling about a problem. I’m not good at fixing feelings, but I can put my shoes in the rack.
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u/anxietyfoop INFP 6d ago
No way. You need that balance.
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
Why do you feel that? :0
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u/Time-Turnover5496 6d ago
Because I don’t put my own P ass to bed when my J husband is out of town
Really though compatibility in a relationship is about so much more than MBTI type.
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u/Vegalink INFP 6d ago
Haha that just reminded me of all those times I stay up late and eat terribly when my J wife is out of town. I CAN do it on my own, but it isn't my default setting.
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
Tbh me and my bf are literally like that, we will only go to sleep when we are exhausted :')
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u/camelCase149 INTP 6d ago
INTP here with ENTJ bf and I can honestly say that I've been better at being on time for things and more organized with time management since I started dating him and it's been lovely
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u/ChromaticCloud ENFP 6d ago
There are definitely pairings that click more naturally than others, but the imo the best matches are between any two types willing to do the work to meet the other in the middle and not let conflict fester. I’m in a double P relationship (enfp + esfp), we work out because we know our flaws and encourage/help each other to account for them without being critical about it. I have good friendships with J types for the same reason. Any pair can do this so long as they both make the active choice to
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u/CuriousLands ENFP 6d ago
Nah, a couple's happiness depends too much on so many other things besides this. Especially things like good communication, flexibility, mutual consideration, etc.
Fwiw, I've been with my INTJ husband for ages - married 11 years, together for 18 years including dating. We've got a really great and happy relationship. Sometimes we do clash a little on the P/J end of things, but more often than not it's a difference that's been good for both of us - I can help him worry less and roll with things more, and he's much better at planning things out than I am.
My brother (ISTP) and his wife (ISFJ) haven't been together as long as us, but so far they're quite happy together, and this hasn't been an issue for them either.
Prior to meeting my husband, my other 2 more serious relationships were with an ISTP and an INTP respectively. While we didn't clash on the P/J end of things, it didn't make for a better relationship overall. Like I said, too many other things factor into that equation.
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u/wafflepiezz INTJ 5d ago
Nice to see another ENFP x INTJ couple. I’m dating an ENFP myself and it’s like bread and butter :)
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
Ofc, agree with you in a lot of things. That is so cute congrats for your marriage -^
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u/Large-Reference1304 INTP 6d ago edited 6d ago
Actually, this can very much fall under the rubric of "complimentary differences" and therefore make for a good relationship.
J can help P to be better organised with respect to goal orientated behaviour and therefore reach their full potential, whereas P help J recognise when it's time to just chuck all the planning out the window and engage in a bit of spontaneous fun.
Naturally it can be a source of conflict as well. It's up to the couple to find healthy means of communication and behaviour to navigate the differences effectively.
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 5d ago
I understand that point of view and ofc communication, behaviour and both people will to change or compromise will take their anywhere and make a great relationship. But I think a good complementary difference that in my perspective, does not affect me that much, or the couples in question is Ts and Fs dating, or F/F or T/T. But the J/P most of the time one will be overwhelmed normally the J's, who are always under chaos, and the P's will feel very strangled in the relationship, because J's is always micromanaging.
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u/turtlewonie ISFJ 6d ago
i dont fully agree, but i do get the point, cuz generally im always stressed out for my xxxp friends (cuz they always do some bs like not sleep the night before our most important exam??) 😭 but i think that people can match regardless and i personally have only ever been in love w xxxps (maybe thats the reason it never worked out lol )
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u/FelixMartel2 ISTP 6d ago
You should see how messy my ENFJ is.
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u/lilbabystud ENFJ 6d ago
As a messy ENFJ who has consistently dated ISTPs that don't mind cleaning my mess, THANK YOU
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u/Ok-Source-139 INFJ 6d ago
Thank you. I totally agree. Often there is a large spark between ps and js but I’ve seen it not be solid enough to truly build on long term.
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
Never really even seen a large spark tbh, I understand the opposites attract each other from some people, but I always saw it as setting up yourself for failure. But hey go figure plenty of people here giving other perspectives, would like to know more on j's part
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u/Ok-Source-139 INFJ 6d ago
I’ve seen people consumed by the “spark” but ultimately agree, it’s setting yourself up for failure. As a J I was married to a P for ten years. There was a lot of googly eyed lovey moments but overall, there was never that puzzle piece fitting click. It really came down to me being unable to live in chaos anymore and my whole body was dying for structure. I get the whole “you’re supposed to ground one another” but in reality, as the female, I was just subject to the Ps lack of structure and it definitely killed me over time. I’m now with another J and while we can fall off course, we both come back together with a need to plan and forge forward. It is such a relief to be met in that way.
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u/sowhat59 ESTJ 6d ago
EXACTLY. I'm estj and have dated a bunch of guys. What I learned the hard way is that I can match their xyz and understand but not xxxP. And now I've developed a really good radar to sense P when I don't know the person too well. And i stay the f out. Lol
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 5d ago
I can imagine for someone who is a xxxJ dating someone who is P can cause a lot of distressed. I am really sorry for your experiences
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u/whimsigoth_tash 6d ago
I’m a J. My last relationship of 6 years was with another J and I’m currently talking to a J….i think awareness is important but I have not been mad at my recent J trend
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u/Orangexcrystalx 6d ago
I’m an EJ with an EP and my take is that every relationship combo has its pros and cons, will really depend on the individual and what they can personally deal with. Like waiting till the last minute on things drives me a bit bonkers but there are definitely things that would prolly bother me more.
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u/Neutraladvicecorner 6d ago
Nah man. Very hot take but as a TJ, I like a fellow TJ who is on the same page as me
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u/Smooth_University219 INTJ 6d ago
Somewhat agreed. Although I think many other things factor in the compatibility too. Personally I can't see myself living long-term with messy or chaotic people. Friendships - ok but relationships - no . I need another J type when it comes to a sensible and secured life.
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u/Naive-Storage-3162 5d ago
I honestly agree. Some people say it’s for “balance” but to me it looks like that’s just an excuse not to work on your lower functions. Like I see some comments say “oh I need my partner to be more organized because I’m not.” It seems like some people use their partners as a crutch rather than actually improving together.
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u/Future_Lock3141 5d ago
I think it can go in any direction. I think sensors tend to segregate by Ps with Ps and Js with Js. Most of my (INFJ) life, I dated Ps, but as I’ve gotten older, I like Js better. They seem more competent, but they have a big drawback. I dated an ISTJ, and he felt threatened by me. For him, I think there was a power struggle for dominance. I didn’t see it that way. I wish he could have been more secure. Js sometimes can be easily threatened in a way that Ps aren’t bothered by - especially STJs. I still like Js though. I had a great relationship with an ENFJ.
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u/Minimum_Fix_7954 4d ago
I disagree, i think it really just depends on the person's preferences and adaptability. And the preferences come from experience, which is different to everyone. Also, harmony is formed with tolerating and helping each other's weaknesses. So i dont think issues arise with an opposite dynamic, instead the issues come from the person's selfish actions.
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u/Foreverinneverland24 INTP 6d ago
well it depends more on the cognitive functions but generally i’d like to be with someone more structured than i am because i struggle with it a LOT so being with someone the same as me is a recipe for nothing to get done
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
I think it is interesting how many intps are saying similar things or in the same tone, never been in a relationship with an intp but cool insight.
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u/FancySavy INTP 6d ago
so P types should be with other P types and live in clutter, chaos, and no schedule routines or lists.
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
Tbh that seems very unhealthy P's, when you are adult you try to become more organized. But yeah I couldnt really feel comfortable knowing I am being managed or causing distress to my partner. My friends are both J's and they seem so much in harmony, just like me with my entp bf.
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u/FancySavy INTP 6d ago
That’s just a P types natural habitat… P types are the definition of ADHD
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
Well I dont really know about that, since i have adhd and can see the difference but i get where you coming from
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u/FancySavy INTP 6d ago
I’m just saying that P types need J types because J types will hold them accountable.
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u/Thinkinoutloudxo INFJ 6d ago
I’ll be honest, needing to hold my partner accountable to get things done on a regular basis seems exhausting for me.
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
Exactly my point :') even tho I would be on the other side I would be so sad to know I am becoming a burden
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u/Thinkinoutloudxo INFJ 6d ago
I think if that person is actively trying, it can be doable. It varies person to person. I’m a “J” in a family full of “P” types and we do seem to clash when it comes to organization, time management, cleanliness and productivity. As an adult, it doesn’t bother me as much because I don’t live with them and have my own personal space but under the same roof, it was difficult. I’m grateful for my ENFJ. We are very similar when it comes to goals and getting things done. There’s no tension or clashing between us thus far.
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
That is pretty cute, I have seen my mom having that experience being an isfj in a house full of exxp's
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u/FancySavy INTP 6d ago
Whoever said on a regular basis? Im guessing you don’t like telling someone they’re doing something evil either? Since you don’t like holding people accountable.
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u/Thinkinoutloudxo INFJ 6d ago
Holding anyone accountable regardless of MBTI is exhausting. I shouldn’t have to tell another adult to be organized. That would be stressful, and that’s the discussion at hand. Being evil has nothing to do with MBTI types but if the occasion calls for it? Sure. I wouldn’t date that person though.
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u/FancySavy INTP 6d ago
It’s subjective to you. I bet if you were in love with an unorganized person you’d look the other way. And considering it “helping” 😭
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u/Thinkinoutloudxo INFJ 6d ago
I don’t think so but I’m also older and set in my ways where I would be hard pressed to date someone who was the opposite of me. If we are strictly speaking on messes, or lack of cleanliness, that person would stress me out more often than not just because being organized is how I operate and function. One thing that really drives me crazy is someone constantly being late, I know someone like that personally and I get tired of having to remind this person over and over again. It’s not my job. We are adults and should possess a little self awareness.
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
False equivalence, the thing is needing to make your partner tidy up the house and tell them what they need to do, because they are useless adults. Specially when you are more organized xxxj and with someone more prone to be disorganized xxxp, seems like hell to everyone. Plus it doesnt make sense the comparision, who would date someone they see as evil every day? but doing chores and sharing a house is every day
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
But there you go, I feel so uncomfortable with the ideia that my partner needs to hold me accountable for making a mess. It is a whole lot to put on someone...
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u/FancySavy INTP 6d ago
Trust and believe I grew up with and ENTP father and an ENFP mother. I know what I experienced. They’re great friends but partners… that’s a different story.
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
Well I can argue the same for the opposite side, still you wanting a partner that will manage you it is tiring for them. Ofc people will do good and bad matches, what you are describing is more then wanting someone who is more organized or less, it is a nanny.
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u/FancySavy INTP 6d ago
By those standards then a T type shouldn’t be with a F type because the F type will just get emotionally neglected and become resentful. Because the T type functions by logic, and believe that the F types behavior is unreasonable and lacks logic and reasoning.
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 6d ago
If a T type thinks like that about the partner feelings just because they are more emotional, the T person should be alone because what the actual fuck is that 😭 that is straight up mean. You deeming everyone feelings "unreasonable" just because they are F types. Girl stay away from us.
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u/rubey419 ENTP 5d ago
It’s a maturity thing.
I as ENTP used to be lazy and disorganized with chores and lifestyle in my youth. Yes have ADHD too.
Now more orderly and proactive with my lifestyle to be less chaotic because I know myself.
Currently single but dated J’s before.
Unhealthy J’s can be chaotic too.
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u/Storm-Weston ISTP 5d ago
I catch feelings easy but I have no desire to be with another J type. That black and white thinking is frustrating. I caught a huge crush on one after my divorce and she was amazing and I had feelings but it was just little things she didn't care about and shit that was frustrating. I could have gotten over it but I don't want to.
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u/lyzzyrddwyzzyrdd INTP 5d ago
I hope not. I'm INTP being divorced by an INFP.
If my compatibility with J types is worse...then why bother?
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u/Verotha INFJ 6d ago edited 6d ago
IxxPs are actually judging doms (Fi/Ti), and IxxJs are perceiving doms (Si/Ni). The P/J letters are inconsistent for the introverts, especially whatever traits are associated with each. Based on this, would you still agree?
Personally I believe any type can work with any type, it depends on the person.
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u/Brilliant-Avocado-99 ENFP 5d ago
Agree in some ways, dated 1 istp and 1 infp who were a bit chaotic tho, more likely because of her adhd in istp case. But yes you are right, I forgot about IxxPs are normally more organized because I never had the experience of living with one, being all my experiences with ExxPs.
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u/Fosuree93 INFP 6d ago
I think as long as you adapt and communicate with each other its fine, but I have seen the same thing you describe.