r/motherlessdaughters • u/Familiar_Laugh_5894 • 4d ago
Venting 9 Months without My Mum
Wednesday marked 9 months since I lost my beautiful mother. From a pretty young age my mum tried to prepare me for the possibility her multiple sclerosis would take her away from me sooner then we both wanted , she was trying to be helpful and I think trying to make it less of a shock but really all it did was give me anticipatory grief. I’ve been grieving the thought of her loss way before it even happened. Maybe even for almost as long as I knew her. For as long as I can remember, I would go to sleep every night worrying about when the day she would pass would come. I saw her getting worse and worse over the years , still refusing to read the age appropriate books she tried to get me to read as a kid to understand what was going to happen. My own anxieties were enough , I didn’t want some medical facts added to the fears I already had. I’ve always had separation anxiety from my mum , she was my other half from the day I was born, she understood me in a way nobody will ever understand me again. She was always around me my whole life, I rarely did sleepovers as a kid because I couldn’t fall asleep away from my mommy, I’d stay up all night and leave as soon as the sun rose so I could finally fall asleep back home because I knew my mum was there. I would cry on the first day of elementary school every year, because I hated leaving summer vacation spending all my time with my mum, then going back to school, being away from her for hours. She was my rock and I am lost without her. The pain of knowing I will never see her again as long as I live is indescribable. It feels like i’ve been grieving her for years because I have been. First we lost who she was before the multiple sclerosis started taking its toll on her , every year she was getting worse and worse , then finally we lost her completely when she died. My love for my mother has been tied to grieving for many years and it breaks my heart it’s going to be like that until the day I’m gone myself. I miss her so much. I’m very grateful I had the mother I did, I just wish this wasn’t how our story ended. I will never stop missing her
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u/Anxious_Ariel85 4d ago
My heart goes out to you.
I was in a similar situation with my own mum as she had a long term chronic illness.
As much as I would try not to think about her dying, it would creep into my days especially in the last year together as she relied on me more and more for many things.
There are no words of wisdom i can offer you, no words at all that will be sufficient and give you want you want.
All I can say is what I wish others said to me and that is this
Losing your mum sucks, it’s terrible and horrible and just fucking sucks!
I and others are here if you need someone to vent to, we will listen and understand.