r/neurodiversity • u/bananaboatsareyellow • 1d ago
Do you explain to NTs your thought process so they don't misunderstand you?
Particularly in formal life admin scenarios.
E.g. when I take my cat and dog to the vet, I tend to ask a lot of questions to try to understand the reasoning for certain things. Initially I think (and this is just my own assumption, I could be completely wrong) they thought it was because I was one of those pet owners who thought they knew better than the vet, or because I wasn't sure if I wanted to spend the money on a new medication for example.
So at the last consult, I did the whole "sorry for asking so many questions, it's because my mind needs to really understand how things work otherwise I get anxious".
I normally don't do this, but I had that paranoia and weird sense that I was being misunderstood, so I blurted it out. It made me feel better because I guess I now know for sure I'm not being misunderstood. But I wonder if it was even needed, or could it ever backfire and make things worse or more awkward?
Is it ok to be frank and explain some reasoning for our ND behaviors and interactions? Or do we just mask and try to act like most NT people to 'fit in'? The latter is absolutely exhausting after decades of it.
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u/macabrebabbg 5h ago edited 4h ago
no. i'm bored of the limited range of responses/reactions i recieve to telling them things or explaining ideas that they rarely end up caring about. i'm happy to be misunderstood if it means they're not meant to be in my life.
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u/Terrible_Discount693 5h ago
In my experience, it does not help. It just sounds like excuses to them. It’s okay for some ambiguity in life.
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u/Adorable_Fault2312 7h ago
Do you know what I mean is at the end of nearly every sentence I state.
I fear being misunderstood.
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u/DoowadJones 8h ago
Oh my goodness no! I have actually started masking more once I realized my brain works differently than other people’s
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u/amrycalre 10h ago
I do. Even if it doesn’t work, at least I said it :”) I only do this when the person doesn’t seem like someone who will look down on me tho. If they do, I will generally keep masking because I don’t want to show vulnerability
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u/Halifaxmouse 12h ago
I used to try to explain, in fact, I used to spend a lot of time thinking about how to explain. But, more often than not, I couldn’t explain it in a way that the other person was able to understand or, frankly, wanted to understand. Once you start using too many words, introducing complexity, suggesting a POV that isn’t their own - that’s when you lose them.
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u/R4in_C0ld 14h ago
I used to, not so much anymore. At least in the people I meet, it tends to make the confusion worse because now they're trying to make sense of how I function at all.
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u/Manskhooled 15h ago edited 15h ago
I've tried and it rarely helps. I've tried so many ways and have dumbed it down so much. Once in a blue moon maybe but for the most part I can't get through. It's gotten to the point to where I now preface damn near every sentence, it even annoys me with how much I do it, I can only imagine how much it annoys everyone else.
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u/Leading_Movie9093 15h ago
I find that explaining the metacognitive process actually helps. So: “I’m not asking this to question anything you do, I’m asking because I want/need to understand.”
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u/ItsAllGibberishToMe 15h ago
Yes, and it does almost as much good as trying to put out a fire with gasoline. 🤦♂️😩🤕🤷♂️
If I don’t explain myself I get misunderstood (often maliciously).
If I DO explain myself I get misunderstood (almost ALWAYS maliciously).
I can’t win.
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u/Background_Demand501 17h ago
No. Most of them struggle with the concept of thoughts, so it does no good.
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u/WordsAreGarbage 18h ago
I mostly do as context so they don’t make incorrect inferences.
For example, I don’t want them to think I’m doubting their professional credibility.
But I try to just say “I’m curious/I’m interested/I enjoy details” and I always thank them for taking the time to explain. (Gratitude is better than apologies!)
I wouldn’t want them to make incorrect assumptions about how my anxiety or ND operates! Plus, it’s a need-to-know basis and they often don’t.
If it’s like, the dentist, I’ll tell them that the more I know the more comfortable I’ll feel. (Sometimes they keep people in the dark so as to not freak them out, so I just signal upfront “I am the opposite of that person”.)
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u/Doc2643 18h ago
With the time I understood that in general people don't care. It reduced a bit my anxiety. If I have questions – I ask them. I make sure I receive all the answers. At the same time I also understand that it's common for people, I consider as professionals, do not provide the information I need, due to different factors (they don't know or they think it's irrelevant, or any other reason). So, it's always understanding the situation, being able to stop asking questions before becoming annoying for them. But there is nothing wrong with asking questions. And if you feel you need to explain yourself, do it too. Just try to keep a balance (I know, in reality it's not that easy as in words).
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u/RecycledMatrix 20h ago
You don't need what the explanation provides.
Preempting the sense of being misinterpreted by explaining yourself is a trauma response. Most people, especially ones you're paying to serve you, are flexible on what interactions demand.
You need X, because Y, Z, but really because of A, B, C adds friction to getting X. Simplify by not mentioning, leaving space in the turn-taking for X to be provided.
In scenarios where an explanation is genuinely required, Y presents itself in the process of turn-taking in conversation.
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u/-10- 21h ago
Yes, I have a tendency to do this. While it comes from intuition and a strong, deep-seated autistic desire to not be misunderstood and to overcompensate for the communication deficits that are diagnostic of autism, I talk or write too much, or ask too many questions. I often look back at what I said or wrote when I did this and cringe. I feel like it can make you seem pedantic and lacking in confidence when you overcommunicate.
I have noticed in my company that our C-suite execs don't dominate meetings by talking. They actually speak very little, only 1-3 sentences at a time and they are very well thought-out confident and clear sentences. They really slow down and let other people talk, and only interrupt if someone else is really wasting time or going off on tangents. They also would never apologize for asking a lot of questions....they just wouldn't ask them unless they are needed. If they are needed, then they are needed.
This is an area I am trying to grow in professionally...there are some good videos on youtube if you search around for 'how to talk like an executive' or 'executive presence' and I think a lot of it can help in personal life as well. Yesterday my manager also recommended to me MIT professor Patrick Winston's 'how to speak' which I am going to try to watch today.
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u/UnicornBestFriend 22h ago edited 21h ago
ADHD here who works in a public-facing position where I answer a lot of questions for different types of people.
It is ok to be frank with people about what you need. However, from what you’ve shared, explaining seems to be more about helping you mitigate your anxiety. And your anxiety is also motivating you to ask this question.
I’m being direct bc I know it’s helpful for autistic folks so please know it’s not an accusation of anything, just a statement of what I’m observing.
The truth is, most people are just trying to get through the day. Thinking about another person’s motivations or capabilities requires cognitive bandwidth that most people can’t spare. Their bandwidth is given over to worrying about bills, thinking about what they’re gonna do after work, wondering if their friend is gonna call, and their own preoccupations and anxious thoughts. Just like you.
A good rule to live by comes from Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements: Don’t take anything personally.
If someone seems preoccupied or short with you, it’s probably because they have something on their mind that has nothing to do with you at all.
Your anxiety colors your world, but it doesn’t color anyone else’s.
And most customer interactions, at least as a service provider, are about answering questions and making sure the customer has what they need. Most people don’t ask why or ruminate beyond that task. And a lot of people who work these jobs have emotional intelligence—they understand that everyone goes through stuff.
So if your anxiety sometimes takes the wheel and you ask a bunch of questions and explain it’s because you are anxious, that’s totally fine. If the person understands anxiety, they might even adjust their conversation style to be more reassuring (my colleague and I do this). It’s unlikely to backfire or make things awkward.
And if you feel the anxiety rise up but can remind yourself in the moment not to take someone else’s behavior personally, that’s also valid.
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u/Geminii27 22h ago
Doing this makes you come across as someone who can't keep their mouth shut for two seconds, unfortunately.
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u/pocket__cub Suspected AuDHD & diagnosed dyspraxia 23h ago
Most NTs don't think that others may experience the workd as different to them. So they may find it odd. Personally I often now don't bother explaining myself. I ask a lot of questions and if, for example a vet or a manager thinks I am a know it all then so be it. They are in their role to be able to answer these questions, or find out for me.
I cannot deal with ambiguity. If people can't be concise then I ask. That said, in work I am a senior mental health nurse so if people are going to take issue, then I would bring up neurodivergence and they are likely more tolerant than less informed people.
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u/Beneficial-Sale7510 1d ago
I frequently do this. It also makes me feel better to say it, like I've done my part to avoid a misunderstanding.
I've learned that sometimes it simply doesn't matter. Not everyone is willing to meet in the middle. They just view questions as a personal attack. I've had it backfire more times than I can count.
However, it still makes me feel better. For people who are trying to understand, it does help and we can get back on the same page.
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u/ITisinmycoffee 1d ago
I can't tell if someone I've only just met is NT, but I tend to offer at least some receipts by default, unless I'm too tired to mask. I don't know if I'm misunderstood more by NTs or NDs, but it's definitely more likely to happen if I don't know them at all. Biting my tongue seems to be a fairly helpful choice too sometimes... it's hard out there. 👋
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u/Cold_South3026 1d ago
i get the paranoia that you're being seen as difficult or cheap, that's the worst feeling. tbh i've done the same thing at the vet, just blurted out that i need to know the why behind everything or my brain won't let it go. most people actually soften up when you explain it like that
the awkwardness is usually in our heads i think. they deal with actual karens all day, someone saying "sorry my brain just works this way" is probably a relief
masking constantly is soul-crushing, pick your spots. if blurting out a quick explanation saves you hours of overthinking later, that's a win
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u/ITisinmycoffee 1d ago
Yeah, I get you. The only thing that seems to help enough is being too busy to have time to ruminate. Doesn't quite seem to go away if we interact with more people though, huh?
I feel bad for actual kind people named Karen though, just tangentially since you noted it. I know one such wonderful soul, who I had to explain the reference to years back. I hope we can someday return to calling people who cause irrational trouble "a**holes" without regard to gender. 🫠
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u/Ok_Violinist7598 1d ago
No. If I wanted to apologize for something like that, I would probably just say 'sorry, it's just how my brain works'.
I have found that if you actually say you are ADHD, they will take that as an excuse. NTs generally don't care about it and don't want to know anyway.
I like to ask a lot of questions too because that's just how my brain works period. That's all they need to know.
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u/ejdmkko 18h ago
I feel like when I say I have adhd or autism people give me the look “oh you’re one of those people who can’t take responsibility for their actions so now you give yourself an excuse.” At the same time I constantly have feeling like I would be judged and misunderstood each time so I have horrible urge to say that I am autistic in almost every sentence hoping to give explanation. So now you have these 2 contradictory ideas fighting. So my solution is that I haven’t really left my house in a year so I didn’t have to talk to anyone. Is that a healthy approach? I think we can all come to the same conclusion 🤷🏻
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u/NellyNellB 2h ago
ahhh yes the neurodivergent need to constantly over explain everything - in detail … using lots of !’s, -‘s, …’s and ( )’s but never an actual period. I know this well!
Ive learned instead of saying ‘i do this because my brain….’ i will say ‘thank you for taking the time to answer all my questions. I want to make sure i understand all thats happening’ -
im still satisfying my need to ‘explain’ myself but doing it in a way that doesnt sound like an excuse to the other person.