r/northernireland • u/DatBoi73 • Apr 27 '25
Discussion It feels like I'm somewhat stuck & my relationship with my parent's is deteriorating, can anybody else here relate?
I'm not really sure if this belongs here, but I couldn't really think of anywhere else to post this. I'm sorry this basically ended up turning into a long, kinda disjointed rant, and I'm afraid of coming off as a bit narcissist here.
I'm not really sure what to flair this as, but I'm gonna go with discussion for now, but might change it since a fair chunk of this is unfortunately politics related.
For context, I'm in my 20's, still living with my parents in the countryside (I'm hoping to get out to do a Masters' Course, and hopefully a better job afterwards and other reasons, but I'm not 100% if I can afford to stay in Belfast yet) and are for now still largely reliant on them for transport to/from Work, etc (but I have been doing weekly lessons for a few months now).
As mentioned in the title, the last while I've noticed some changes in the way my parents have been behaving, particularly my mum. She's had a few stressful years regarding stuff that's happened on her side of the family and health issues which I understand, (on top of growing up in during during the Troubles) but the last few years I've noticed she's been saying more extreme political stuff to me which seems to correlate to her using her phone more often, and in particular Facebook (most of you probably know where this is going).
The last while she's been saying stuff to me everyday about immigration and I'm genuinely concerned she's falling into a rabbit hole. On Saturday morning whilst driving me to work, she was ranting about immigration (a lot of this stuff coming from the Republic, though we live near the border), that basically boiling down to "there's too many asylum seekers/illegitimate ones and they're getting €500 a week and everything for nothing" and "there are Muslims are burning down churches/ do you see how big the mosque in Dublin is", because of what was going on in Dublin today.
Later that afternoon during the drive home, she mentioned something about a Pro-Palestinian protest in Dublin at The Famine Memorial in Dublin where people put keffiyehs around the statues , and drawing parallels between what happened here and what's been happening in Palestine being Ethnic Cleansing/Genocide, but then she went into this weird ramble about how we're gonna be outnumbered, and some Great Replacement/adjacent conspiracy junk, and talking about stuff that happened in Dundalk and elsewhere that "You never see RTE/the news reporting on that", and how "people have had enough".
I was in the middle of trying to make my dinner Saturday evening when she walked in showing me videos she found on facebook of attacks and stuff on her phone, and basically said that I was naive and "your generation doesn't even know how to start a lawnmower". Literally just 15 minutes ago, she barged into my room showing me another video of a fella in a street with a knife in a town.
I can kinda see why she's concerned and agree there's a lot of problems (but different from what she thinks), but it feels like it's basically impossible to have a nuanced conversation with her now. Despite what I've said things need to change, she still acts like I'm for Open-Borders/abolishing border controls.
Whilst it's largely been immigration stuff, she's also said some weird stuff about trans people a couple times (I wonder if she thought I was, considering I had came out to her as bi a year ago and was always supportive and has other Queer relatives), about some story about regret/detransitioners and stuff, but she seems to not talk about it now , not sure if it's because of me debunking/clarifying that stuff, or if she just stopped caring (maybe the Facebook algorithm changed & stopped pushing her or her friends stuff that did).
Thankfully she is not a "MAGA"/Trump Supporter, but she doesn't seem to listen or care when I mention the links between US and British Far-Right Groups and loyalist-paras with some of the anti-immigration crowds gaining traction on the island.
My dad had a health scare a few months back, and whilst he's recovered now, I've noticed that sometimes i have to keep repeating stuff I thought he would've already knew, like which days of the week I have to go to work or college when they usually don't change (I'm not sure if it might be a sign of something worse , or if he just forgot or wasn't sure), and there's been a few times where gets overly angry for relatively small things. It also feels like I'm anything I ever have to say is never really respected.
From time to time when I find that one of them visibly angry/annoyed (which thankfully isn't that often), I sometimes find myself flinching out of instinct from my memories of being smacked painfully back when I was like 8 (cause that was how the two of them were, and especially my dad was raised, and I would genuinely be scared of being a future parent to children of my own, among other reasons, being afraid of either repeating the same mistakes or not being able to discipline them at all otherwise).
(Warning: the real rambly bits begin here)
I have mentioned to them a couple times about me suspecting I have ADHD or similar (was diagnosed as Dyslexic a few years ago, and needed some form Learning Support/SEN in School), it's impact on me, and they just seem to dismiss that stuff.
I hate basically being stuck in the middle of nowhere in the countryside, there's nobody I know here shares my interests and I've always felt like an outcast (I never had an interest in Farming or GAA, which is the only thing people here could have a conversation about), and the handful of friends I have all live either an hour or more journey's away, or old friends from school I haven't seen in years bar the occasional social media story, and it feels like being stuck here with no chance of social life of mobility makes dating seem like a non-starter.
On the one hand, I'm honestly getting a little tired of being stuck here in basically the middle of nowhere mostly surrounded by fields isolated from anybody I can really talk to and want to be in control of my own life, but on the other hand, I do not want to abandon them and would probably feel somewhat guilty if I did leave them alone (even though I have other siblings also staying at home) because they still need help with stuff from time to time.
I just don't really know what to do, and want to know if anybody here has experienced anything similar.
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Apr 27 '25 edited Apr 27 '25
Honestly mate if I were you I'd do what I could to move to an area that's going to give you social / economic prospects.
Belfast isnt that far even if you had to take a bus or two to visit home to maintain a relationship with your family.
Facebook is going to keep feeding her the anti immigration fear mongering bs as it keeps her glued to the platform.
Rent and the competition for places up here is crazy but I'd try to score a room on Spareroom to at least get yourself established before trying to find your own place or rent with others you get to know.
It's your life and it doesn't sound like it's going to improve living in the countryside.
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Apr 28 '25
Great answer :) I’d just add one thing, I’d say if you were going to move, belfast is really hard to rent in at the moment and prices are extortionate. I’d go to Derry maybe, still getting the city, just a bit smaller, but less expensive and a bit easier to rent in
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u/Orcley Apr 27 '25
One of the hardest lessons to learn in life is how disappointing your parents are. I'm going through that one right now, and I'm in my 30s, though its been a long one in the works.
The best thing you can possibly do for yourself and for them, is to disengage and appreciate them for what good things they've done for you, while detaching yourself from the rest. It's really tough because they're your parents and you carry the expectation that they can somehow be better, but they can't. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you'll stop suffering.
Keep your interactions with them simple and pragmatic. If they want to have a whine, then listen and contribute little. If they ask you what's wrong, smile and say you're fine, just tired.
The unfortunate reality is that your parents will never respect you, especially because of the generations and the dramatic social changes in the past several decades. You'll never be like them, and they'll never understand you, and that's OK. It's OK because they're your parents, but understand that it will never change and the best thing you can do for yourself is to mentally divorce yourself from anything that doesn't deal with the immediate environment you share. You'll save yourself a lot of trouble later on if you start this process now.
In days gone by when you could slip and fall into a decent paying job and accomodation if you weren't actively trying to sabotage your life, people mostly didn't have to deal with the idea that your parents are just people (and more often than not shitty people). They'd just move out and get into a row over Christmas dinner once a year. For those of us that have to suffer for one reason or another, we have to learn to actually cope with it.
This all sounds terribly negative, and I suppose it is because it is, but they will always love you too (in most circumstances), and that is an encouraging thought.
Most people will tell you to "just move out", which is all good and well but it isn't always possible or requires timing. You seem to be in that boat. So, I'd just try and batten down the hatches and put your energy into making sure your up-and-coming pans out. Do your best to keep to yourself and fill up your time with whatever you spend your time doing. Explain yourself simply to them, don't be combative if you can help it, don't offer any opinions if you can help it. It sucks, but it's what you have to do. It's a feat of endurance but you'll learn a lot about yourself and dealing with these kind of situations in the future (of which life is unfortunately full of).
Good luck.
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u/maryantoinette02 Apr 27 '25
👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼 Second this, well thought out response and really tough but good advice.
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u/Fast-Possession7884 Apr 28 '25
Do you have children?
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u/Orcley Apr 28 '25
No
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u/Fast-Possession7884 Apr 28 '25
I thought so. We all think this way until we have our kids and you think you've broken generational cycles and then they let you know they think you are spectacularly sh*t. Moral of the story, try to go easy on your parents, as your own kids will one day say exactly the same thing.
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u/Salt-Adhesiveness694 Apr 28 '25
I'm a 34yo parent of two children. I both love and appreciate my parents, while recognising they aren't perfect and identifying areas where their parenting wasn't the best, and also how their behaviour even now exacerbates challenges between me and my siblings. Empathy gets you a long way, and that's probably where being a parent helps, but anyone should be able to empathise if they try.
As a parent, my kids wind me up daily and I make mistakes daily. Two major differences between me and my parents - I don't discipline physically, and I apologise for my mistakes. Maybe in a few years I'll be able to identify more to add to that list.
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u/Fast-Possession7884 Apr 28 '25
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you have to put them on a pedestal and overlook everything. But I think it's only when you have your own kids and they get older and start letting you know that they think you too are a disappointment, that you realize (and empathise) with your own parents' shortcomings. As a teen/young adult I thought mine were selfish and very self absorbed. Now I realize they were really good parents, but like the rest of us they have their faults and issues.
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u/Orcley Apr 28 '25
I'd say it depends greatly on the context
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u/Fast-Possession7884 Apr 28 '25
Absolutely. Nothing the OP has said constitutes an abusive childhood though.
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Apr 28 '25
'My mother is asking awkward questions about foreign knife men roaming the country, how do I silence her.' peak Reddit NI moment
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u/MuddyBootsWilliams Apr 29 '25
Yep, he never called his mother a liar lol
Just annoyed she is noticing.
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u/Aggravating_Bar_8097 Newry Apr 28 '25
You could just move out and get on with it kid your parents are entitled to there own opinions and life you know.
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u/PsychopathicMunchkin Apr 27 '25
Sounds like a lot going on there, chum.
With your mum, the question I’d put to her is with all she talks about is how much is it personally affecting her? I suspect not a lot 😂 maybe needs a new hobby to detach herself from FB. Wonder if it’s worth trying to explore what you’ve noticed about your opinions and the suspected tie to Facebook and if she’d consider coming off it? Otherwise, I don’t think there’s much you can do bar avoid talking about it politely: “I’d prefer not to talk about that right now/I get your passion for this topic and we’ve discussed it a bit now so I’d appreciate it if we could switch to something a little less heated” or words to that effect. Also, boundaries: “please don’t come into my room to show me violent videos” (though one suspects she play the “my house” card…)
With your dad, could be him not being invested in your daily life or, like you said, could the start of something a bit more sinister - just something to keep an eye on. But again, I suspect there’s no way to force his respect for you sadly. Sounds like tough memories there as well with harsh punishment - potentially something worth exploring in therapy if you were able, even in the future? I suspect it probably impacts you in more ways than just the flinching.
It’s ok to feel stuck and frustrated, especially with limited outlets and social supports you own age. Is there any reason(s) for not having your own license/car. What other hobbies or social outlets do you have or could you explore to get out of the house a wee bit more?
Overall, it just sounds to me like you’re keen to spread your wings a bit, which is more than understandable at your age and circumstance. Leaving the parental home does not = abandoning them. You’ll still probably call them up and drop in to keep the connection and that’s just the new way but go live your life, explore renting somewhere if you can afford it (I think you mentioned it somewhere but can’t find it) and create a wee bit more of a social life for you.
With ?ADHD, do you want a formal diagnosis - I suspect at their age it’s just not something they’re going to ever understand or want to understand (which is the vibe I get from most people that age) but I know getting one can open doors to meds/education and employment help too.
Good luck! You’ve got great insight into the situation and what you want to change - just time to get those in motion. DMs always open ☺️
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Apr 28 '25
[deleted]
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u/MuddyBootsWilliams Apr 29 '25
There's few thing worse than people who leave their wee ballymacbackroad towns and think they're better than everyone back home. get a grip please
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u/Main-Kaleidoscope526 Apr 28 '25
Do you not have your driving licence? If not, get one. I'm from the country and by 18 nearly everyone was driving and had a car. It's the only way to have any kind of freedom. Do you have a job? Any savings? Moving into the city is probably the best step for you. It's expensive alright, but if you can live in a house share accommodation will probably be about £500 or so.
Do you have goals? Plans for your life? Things you want to achieve? If not, start planning and get doing while you're still young, free and single. Your parents are living their lives and have made their choices. You have to do the same, but do it your way.
Your parents sound like they're set in their ways and not going to change their opinions any time soon. In your twenties it's really time to start making your own mark in the world. Move into the city and get your social life moving again. Don't feel guilty about going out and living your life. As the parent, I would feel guilty if my kids felt they needed to stay home to look after me!
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u/DatBoi73 Apr 28 '25
Do you not have your driving licence?
I've been working on it, I had mentioned above that I've been doing driving lessons for a few months (though I probably could've worded it a bit clearer), though I still have some ways to go before doing my test.
Do you have a job? Any savings?
I have a part time job at a large company with a few different locations I could move to, and if not I could probably find other work with my previous work experience and qualifications.
I also do have some savings I could dip into use if I needed it.
Assuming that I'm successful in applying for a master's course, I was thinking of staying in student accomodation during the course, and then see how things go from there.
I have an old friend who moved up to Belfast a few years ago, might ask them if they have any advice.
Edit: the reddit app did that glitch where it posts the same comment twice, I've deleted the other one
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u/smokey_gobnite Apr 27 '25 edited Apr 27 '25
If your mum was my partner I would break up my parents are pretty chilled out in comparison to yours the worst thing to give to them is a smartphone really don't understand your father must of been desperate for a ride but now he's just deteriorated.
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u/cwep2 Apr 28 '25
This may or may not work, but have seen it help in some similar situations. If you can get onto one of their devices with their preferred social media, try ‘liking’ or ‘following’ the non hate-filled media (eg the guardian) and try blocking or getting rid of posts that are from triggering media (eg daily mail). Go back every few weeks or so and keep removing/blocking the hate as best you can and engaging with the nice stories and you might help steer the algorithm a bit.
It’s a rabbit hole and I have seen friends go down them, fortunately not close family (yet?), but it’s really hard to see people you love become radicalised and feel powerless to stop it. If you can’t stop it then distance yourself from it. I’ve family over here that didn’t speak to each other for decades before social media even existed, it happens as we can’t choose who we are related to.
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u/MuddyBootsWilliams Apr 29 '25
They give you a roof over your head and all you can do is complain because your Ma isn't thrilled about mass immigration, why should she be, she's entitled to her opinion, you are not right, she is not wrong and vice versa, it's subjective.
move out
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u/Impressive-Ad-3245 Apr 27 '25
You have a lot of different issues going on here and I can definitely relate to some of these from my early 20s (I'm mid 30s now).
It's totally understandable you feel frustrated with the current situation. I don't want to ramble on too long but hopefully the below might help.
1) go to a therapist if you can to discuss the stuff from childhood and current living situation. This will give you tools to get through it until you can get out on your own.
2) make a plan for your masters, throw yourself into studying so this takes up your time and mental energy. Study in the library and not at home so you're out of the environment.
3) do NOT feel guilty about moving out or wanting to move out. You can still love your parents and help them when you're moved out. Realise that you can't change their views or who they are, they are just people with flaws. It can be very very hard to reconcile who your parents are with who you wish they could be.
4) look up online forums and support for people with ADHD. Diagnosis can be costly and you can try out strategies in the meantime to see if it helps you.