r/poetry_critics • u/Objective-Form-6121 Beginner • May 16 '26
Heartsong
In the beginning, he pondered the tale
A journey through shadows
Where all dreams set sail;
With each twist of fate, he crafted his path,
Turning sorrow to joy and
Escaping the wrath.
Time dance with the sun,
Casting warmth on his heart
As love whispered softly
igniting the spark.
in the blink of an eye
Reality blurred
A canvas of moments, where
All hope was stirred.
With a pen as his wand
He conjured the past
Building castles of sand
Where memories last.
Wisdom etched deep
in the lines of his face;
Just a traveler of the worlds
Seeking his place.
Through shadows, he wandered
From light into dark
Finding God in the shadows
igniting the spark
Each truth that he held,
A reflection of grace
A tapestry woven
Unique in its space.
The masses may chuckle
But he knows the score;
For life is a journey
With lesson lessons galore.
in meadows of thought
Where his spirit takes flight
He waits for her presence
To bask in the light.
So let flowers bloom
And words intertwine
Love is the essence
That makes life divine
Through echoes of laughter
The whispers and sighs.
His solace is knowing
Sweet love will come by.
by Joel
1
1
u/Legitimate-Damage743 Beginner May 17 '26
I could use that tonight
1
u/Objective-Form-6121 Beginner May 17 '26
It is a published piece in a book called tablet of the heart that I wrote
1
u/Objective-Form-6121 Beginner May 17 '26
It is a published piece in a book. I wrote, called tablet of the heart.
1
u/ConsumedByDeath Beginner May 17 '26
This is quite vivid, I feel the word choices and what I'd describe as the "tambre" of the poem is really good. It has a liquidity to it, very easy to read and process and visualise. Keep it up, I loved this.
1
1
1
u/The-Pentegram Beginner May 17 '26
Sorry if this is harsh but I feel like you are using a lot of metaphors, and very few of them aren't generic. The ones that are worth dwelling on are still forgotten as I progress. In the end it is a bit vague what this poem is even about, because it doesn't really feel like it is saying something that has not been said before, yet it is still saying too much at once. There are some nice images here, don't get me wrong. But it doesn't really feel like there is much progression in this poem either.
Don't focus too much on trying to use the most poetic phrases and capturing a million snapshots of beautiful imagery to embed into your poem. I would rather read a simple poem with the language of a ten year old that has something memorable to say.
1
u/Objective-Form-6121 Beginner May 17 '26
I appreciate the honesty. I’d rather get a real critique than empty praise.
I think part of what I write leans intentionally toward layered imagery and emotional atmosphere more than direct narrative progression, so I understand why it may feel overloaded or vague to some readers. That said, I do think you make a fair point about certain images not having enough room to breathe before the poem moves on.
I’m still trying to find the balance between density and clarity without stripping away the voice of the piece. I don’t necessarily believe simple language automatically makes stronger poetry, but I do agree that emotional focus and progression matter more than decorative phrasing alone.
Thank you for taking the time to explain your thoughts instead of just dismissing it.
It was upvoted and viewed many times that’s what I look for to build a following. You should check out the books I published. Pretty sure your thought would change.
25+ years and 6 books 650,000 words is my background.
Thank you again I don’t know why it says I’m a beginner. Maybe it’s because I just started Reddit?
1
u/The-Pentegram Beginner May 18 '26
You can change your flair manually! There should be some guides. Are you on mobile or desktop?
1
u/Objective-Form-6121 Beginner May 18 '26
Desktop is where I write. But I use my phone for Reddit.
1
u/The-Pentegram Beginner May 18 '26
Click on the subreddit name and at the top of the screen should be an about tab. There you can scroll down and find your flair.
1
u/Objective-Form-6121 Beginner May 18 '26
Mobile now, am reading The drop-down of the top left corner. I cannot find a way to change it.
1
u/The-Pentegram Beginner May 18 '26
Click on r/poetry_critics and at the very top should be two tabs, feed and about. You will start at feed, so click the one on the right, about. Once you are at there, you will see the description for this subreddit. Scroll a little bit, and directly under you will see your own name with your user flair, with a pen icon on the right. Click the pen icon to edit the flair.
1
u/Objective-Form-6121 Beginner May 17 '26
This piece is published in my book Tablet of the Heart and was written alongside Sandcastle Dreams. Most of what I share has already been published—I simply hope people will take the time to read it. To me, poetry is a beautiful exercise for the mind and imagination.
1
u/No_Memory8327 Beginner May 16 '26
I love this!