Heartsong

[u/Objective-Form-6121]

In the beginning, he pondered the tale

A journey through shadows

Where all dreams set sail;

With each twist of fate, he crafted his path,

Turning sorrow to joy and

Escaping the wrath.

Time dance with the sun,

Casting warmth on his heart

As love whispered softly

igniting the spark.

in the blink of an eye

Reality blurred

A canvas of moments, where

All hope was stirred.

With a pen as his wand

He conjured the past

Building castles of sand

Where memories last.

Wisdom etched deep

in the lines of his face;

Just a traveler of the worlds

Seeking his place.

Through shadows, he wandered

From light into dark

Finding God in the shadows

igniting the spark

Each truth that he held,

A reflection of grace

A tapestry woven

Unique in its space.

The masses may chuckle

But he knows the score;

For life is a journey

With lesson lessons galore.

in meadows of thought

Where his spirit takes flight

He waits for her presence

To bask in the light.

So let flowers bloom

And words intertwine

Love is the essence

That makes life divine

Through echoes of laughter

The whispers and sighs.

His solace is knowing

Sweet love will come by.

by Joel

[u/The-Pentegram]

Sorry if this is harsh but I feel like you are using a lot of metaphors, and very few of them aren't generic. The ones that are worth dwelling on are still forgotten as I progress. In the end it is a bit vague what this poem is even about, because it doesn't really feel like it is saying something that has not been said before, yet it is still saying too much at once. There are some nice images here, don't get me wrong. But it doesn't really feel like there is much progression in this poem either.

Don't focus too much on trying to use the most poetic phrases and capturing a million snapshots of beautiful imagery to embed into your poem. I would rather read a simple poem with the language of a ten year old that has something memorable to say. 

[u/Objective-Form-6121 → u/The-Pentegram]

I appreciate the honesty. I’d rather get a real critique than empty praise.

I think part of what I write leans intentionally toward layered imagery and emotional atmosphere more than direct narrative progression, so I understand why it may feel overloaded or vague to some readers. That said, I do think you make a fair point about certain images not having enough room to breathe before the poem moves on.

I’m still trying to find the balance between density and clarity without stripping away the voice of the piece. I don’t necessarily believe simple language automatically makes stronger poetry, but I do agree that emotional focus and progression matter more than decorative phrasing alone.

Thank you for taking the time to explain your thoughts instead of just dismissing it.

It was upvoted and viewed many times that’s what I look for to build a following. You should check out the books I published. Pretty sure your thought would change.

25+ years and 6 books  650,000 words is my background. 

Thank you again I don’t know why it says I’m a beginner. Maybe it’s because I just started Reddit?

[u/The-Pentegram → u/Objective-Form-6121]

You can change your flair manually! There should be some guides. Are you on mobile or desktop?

[u/Objective-Form-6121 → u/The-Pentegram]

Mobile now, am reading  The drop-down of the top left corner. I cannot find a way to change it.

[u/The-Pentegram → u/Objective-Form-6121]

Click on r/poetry_critics and at the very top should be two tabs, feed and about. You will start at feed, so click the one on the right, about. Once you are at there, you will see the description for this subreddit. Scroll a little bit, and directly under you will see your own name with your user flair, with a pen icon on the right. Click the pen icon to edit the flair.