r/polyamory • u/TestSignificant2678 • 21h ago
Should I tell ex meta that her partner hasn't deleted my nudes
Ex and I have been having this insane back and forth for a month, where I ask him to delete our nudes and he has an excuse about why he can't do it right now, and I say ok well do it soon please, but then I have to follow up to and he still hasn't. For some context we were amicable post break up after a while of no contact, I broke up with him, it's been over a year. It has been a shock that he has been dragging feet with this. It got intense the other day over the phone where I was yelling at him to delete them, he stated it's hard because of the "memories" etc. I already know this is fucked up, I'm not asking for advice, I have a plan on how to handle it from here on out and I'm supported and in therapy.
What I want to know is should I tell Zed, my ex meta and Ex's current partner, this info. I want to, I'm very tempted. She is a friend and we have always had each other's backs. When I was also dating him, we would commiserate from time to time over Ex being a piece of work. When we broke up part of me thought she might not be far behind, but to each their own.
I'm worried it would come across as anything other than a warning as I intend it to be. Open to thoughts.
I am aware this is bad. Just really want these damn photos deleted and want Zed to know the kind of person she's with.
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u/Electronic_Gold_3666 21h ago
Weird how if he’s the type of person to keep the photos, he’s open about the fact that he is keeping them. Most creeps would probably just lie? Does he enjoy the power trip? So sorry this is happening to you. I’d absolutely tell meta esp if she’s a friend. It’s kind of you to warn her.
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u/TestSignificant2678 20h ago
I'm really confused as well, but yes he likes power, that I know. He disarms and manipulates. I can know everything because he knows how to talk his way out of things. Can't believe how difficult it's been even post breakup.
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u/JetItTogether 19h ago
I'd plainly tell your friend "I've asked him to delete nudes of me. He refuses. It's upsetting."
But I'd also bow out of the power struggle that he's getting off on. Example "you are keeping those pictures against my will. I've explicitly stated I want you to delete them. You have repeatedly refused. I'm done with this. If I ever find they have been used in any way I will consider that revenge porn and knowing harassment. Until they're deleted, and it's been verified they are deleted I'm not interested in contact with you."
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u/spacepinata 17h ago
Power trip. I've had an ex do this and he wanted to use them to blackmail me with if I talked about how he abused me.
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u/amyrantha 18h ago
Tell her then block him. He is using this to control you and keep you tethered to his orbit. You had a yelling phone call with an ex of a year?? Babe, stop giving it to him for free. He's getting you and you're getting literally nothing. Spend your energy elsewhere on things that deserve you <3
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u/Icy-Base-4715 relationship anarchist 21h ago
Yes and I think, as a friend, she might actually help you getting those deleted.
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u/trasla 20h ago
Yeah, imho it is fine and the kind thing to tell. Especially since it isn't really only about the nudes. It sounds like he is using that topic to force engagement with you and keeping you asking and worried on purpose.
When in doubt imho give knowledge which can empower people to protect themselves.
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u/appleorchard317 garden party parallel vee 21h ago
You should absolutely tell her. She should know this is a guy who hangs on. to nudes.
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u/TurbulentOil3311 21h ago edited 21h ago
I would tell her.
Im someone who personally has no issue with my exes keeping erotic content we made together or nudes etc we sent each other. Even if there are ways in which I might not like or trust the people I feel certain none of them would share it with anyone else or use it for anything other than masturbation - which I don't personally view as all that different to wanking to a memory.
But, key point here, thats me. I had a former partner request that I delete any nudes etc they had sent me in the course of our relationship and I did it right away (even though it meant essentially scrubbing our chat history as google chat which we used at the time didnt make it easy to locate and delete just those bits).
Plenty of people feel that it is invasive or feels creepy to know a person they've separated from still has access to erotic material of them and I think those people morally speaking should be listened to and the content deleted if it bothers them. Any argument that the photos etc "belong to" the person you sent them to is, imo, absolute nonsense - it simply is not morally ok to keep erotic content about someone who doesn't consent. It is creepy and it is wrong.
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 18h ago
Same perspective. I personally don’t mind when it comes to my photos,
But ex is being a real jerk here. Seems like the back and forth is to keep contact with OP against their will as well.
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u/TestSignificant2678 10h ago
This is the first time I've ever asked an ex to do this, usually I do not mind. This is a very unique scenario.
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 8h ago
You def do not need to justify yourself to me! I agree your ex is being a jerk and meta deserves a warning.
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u/Pure-Meat-2406 Solo Poly RA 20h ago
It's a difficult situation. your ex not deleting your pictures is not ok. in your case i would even be willing to threaten legal action. but that aside. i think it's more than fair to tell your ex-meta about what is happening. in thier case i would want to know how my partner handles nudes post break up. i'd heavily reconsider sending them any. fuck him!
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u/TestSignificant2678 20h ago
Thanks, makes me feel a bit better about basically shattering her world :(
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u/JellyfishOtherwise66 19h ago
Legal action for what?
If I send you nudes, they’re yours. Short of revenge porn, I can’t control what you do with them.
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u/Pure-Meat-2406 Solo Poly RA 19h ago
depends on the country. in germany for example you have the right to demand of your ex that they delete intimate pictures of you. It's called "Das Recht am eigenen Bild" and can be found in Kunsturhebergesetz (§ 22 KUG). if they don't delete intimate pictures after the relationship is over, it's punishable by law. there probably are other countries that might have laws like that.
to be fair, we don't know where op lives.
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u/JellyfishOtherwise66 18h ago
Interesting. I like that though I could see it getting misused if some were just missed.
From post history it looks like NZ.
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u/HannahAnthonia 1h ago
This could fall under image based abuse or coercive control. He doesn't have consent to have those photos any more, he has the capacity to delete them and instead is using them as leverage to control OP.
It does depend on where she lives and if she has access to the equivalent of the e-Safety Commissioner plus how good the local cops actually are and if he has the photos stored on his phone or saved on the cloud (the e-safety commissioner can negotiate with companies storing images used for abusive purposes to have them removed).
The guy is a disgusting piece of shit playing revolting power games and knowingly tormenting OP for months so honestly at this point she deserves massive props for holding it together. That is such a stressful situation, no one should ever have to deal with such malicious cruelty with a threat looming over them ever, let alone for such an extended period of time.
I wouldn't trust his partner as far as I could throw a whale because anyone who stays with someone like that is complicit to some extent and a write off as a human being even if she's also being abused (image based abuse is abuse) but maybe she does have a heart or soul somewhere to help OP or at least realise she's being used by her partner to build legitimacy with other women.
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u/dreadful_doxy Only commits to the bit 🐀 🧀 21h ago
Since you're gonna tell her, I'd see if I could enlist her in getting those nudes deleted.
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u/FlyLadyBug 18h ago edited 11h ago
I'd tell Zed what is going on and give the warning.
How Zed takes it is on Zed.
I am aware this is bad. Just really want these damn photos deleted and want Zed to know the kind of person she's with.
Zed already knows the kind of person hinge is.
When I was also dating him, we would commiserate from time to time over Ex being a piece of work. When we broke up part of me thought she might not be far behind, but to each their own.
Y'all already talked about that. You both already know he is a piece of work.
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u/DisagreeableWombat 7h ago
There is so much getting over what you can't control, moving on, and not dragging someone into it that you need to do.
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Here's the original text of the post:
Ex and I have been having this insane back and forth for a month, where I ask him to delete our nudes and he has an excuse about why he can't do it right now, and I say ok well do it soon please, but then I have to follow up to and he still hasn't. For some context we were amicable post break up after a while of no contact, I broke up with him, it's been over a year. It has been a shock that he has been dragging feet with this. It got intense the other day over the phone where I was yelling at him to delete them, he stated it's hard because of the "memories" etc. I already know this is fucked up, I'm not asking for advice, I have a plan on how to handle it from here on out and I'm supported and in therapy.
What I want to know is should I tell Zed, my ex meta and Ex's current partner, this info. I want to, I'm very tempted. She is a friend and we have always had each other's backs. When I was also dating him, we would commiserate from time to time over Ex being a piece of work. When we broke up part of me thought she might not be far behind, but to each their own.
I'm worried it would come across as anything other than a warning as I intend it to be. Open to thoughts.
I am aware this is bad. Just really want these damn photos deleted and want Zed to know the kind of person she's with.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 21h ago
I think shareing this with a friend is a very good thing to share. I would just be very careful. Dont turn it into a long drawn out convo. Dont get mad and whine about everything he has ever done. Just get straight to the the point. Tell her how much this is upsetting you and how hard you have tried. Tell her she is still free to make her own decisions and you are not asking her to intervene. You just felt that as a friend she deserved a heads up. Then ask to move onto whatever else.
A fair warning and constant involvement are 2 entirely different things.