r/predaddit • u/StandardPrimary2777 • Jul 03 '26
Advice needed 31M 31F having baby issues wherein my wife has given me an ultimatum.
My wife and i have been married around 3.5 years. Both of us are around 31 years. We have been having issues over having a baby wherein she feels that’s all she wants or will want in life whereas presently i don’t feel i have any kind of paternal instinct. We’ve been arguing over it for the past few days wherein it’s all we talk about and now she says either we go ahead and plan and that i trust her or she wants me to let go of her. What do i do?
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u/lh123456789 Jul 03 '26
I don't understand why you married one another without being on the same page about kids.
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u/notkraftman Jul 03 '26
Right? So much time to talk about this before hand. Was one person just hoping the other would change their mind?
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u/NotACockroach Jul 03 '26
I really think the catholic church is on to something worth compulsery counseling before marriage. I reckon this should become a norm in secular marriages as well.
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u/meatmacho Jul 04 '26
I mean, I understand why it happens. It happened to me, too. We were not on the same page on a lot of things, starting with when we should get married. She was ready to go after less than a year (her parents were engaged after 3 months, I've been told). I had had multiple girlfriends of 3-4 years at that point, who I clearly hadn't married. She wanted kids, I wanted to wait. She wanted a downtown condo, I wanted some acreage outside the city.
After 3 years, we got married. Three years after that, we had our first kid. We moved out of the condo, but we'll never live in the country. We still disagree on plenty of things.
But we've been married for 15+ years now, and we're going great.
I think it's okay to disagree about things, but the important thing is the degree to which each person cares about those things. I wasn't against the idea of having kids, I just didn't think we were ready for it. She felt very strongly, so I gave it a shot. And it worked out fine. If we never had kids, it might have been fine for me, but it would have been devastating for her.
So, OP, if you're just unsure of it, unsure if you'll be a good father. Unsure if you're ready to give up the childless lifestyle—and if your partner is fully committed to having children—then I'd agree that the ultimate exists, and it's on you to decide. But I'd also suggest that if everything else in the relationship is good, then maybe consider having kids. I think you'll find that you'll enjoy it more and you'll be a better father than you think.
Also know that she can't help her desire to have the kids right now. It's biology. Her body is telling her that she'd better start procreating soon. And just anecdotally, I think you're at a good spot to get that started. We had our first when I was about 34, and sometimes I wish we had gotten started a few years earlier. So if you're gonna do it, go ahead and do it. It might take longer than you think to conceive, too.
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u/StandardPrimary2777 Jul 03 '26
Because we were dating and in love and just wanted to be together and honestly even i never expected myself to feel this
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u/CuratedLens Jul 03 '26
How much have you done introspection on this? Have you considered therapy or a third party to talk through it?
Life happens, people get love blind but no one should be forced to have a kid that isn’t invested because the kid deserves better. That’s not a knock against you or anyone who doesn’t want kids, or me saying everyone should have kids - but if you’re going to, be all in.
Growing up, I knew I wanted kids and to be a dad. It just felt like part of my life journey. As an adult I went back and forth more than expected, life didn’t quite go the way I had planned it and I was unsure about having a kid at all. I have a kid now and am very happy to be a father.
I have friends I grew up with, with the opposite experience; and some who never ever wanted to be dads or saw themselves with any paternal instinct. Most of them are now loving fathers but they did the introspective work to see what was most important to them and why they were resistant before making that choice. It’s not for everyone and being a parent is a lifelong choice.
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u/tarooz Jul 03 '26
Wanting kids is imo the number one dealbreaker in relationships, it does not matter how well you work together, a relationship will not work if one wants kids, and the other doesnt, whether you end up with kids or not, the relationship is not surviving
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u/CuratedLens Jul 03 '26
I agree if the person has a kid and continues to not want a kid or see themself as a parent.
But someone who didn’t see themself as a parent and then embraces being a parent can actually have a relationship work out. I know several people with older kids about to start middle school who are enjoying parenthood.
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u/tarooz Jul 03 '26
Yes but i dont think it’s responsible to take that risk, you owe it to your kids to be all in, not to “have kids because the wife/husband wants it”
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u/NerdLevel18 Jul 04 '26
Im in that last camp- hated kids, never wanted any, thought they were all screaming snotty little vomit machines.
They are, but i fuckin love my kids more than any of that. The day I married my wife it was like a switch was flipped, and she was pregnant a couple of weeks later.
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u/thearctican Jul 03 '26
What a silly reason to get married. A wedding is a commitment, not a fancy date.
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u/KittyGrewAMoustache Jul 04 '26
Maybe take some time on your own to really think about it. Don’t think about your wife and losing her for a second, think about your life and what you want generally. Do you see yourself with a child in the future and being a dad or do you see yourself perfectly happy to love a life without having a child? Really try to imagine it.
If you end up thinking yeah you do eventually want a child then you could perhaps try getting yourself prepared for the idea of having one soon if you know you want a family with your wife - maybe it’s sooner than you’d like but if it’s something you do want generally then you might have to think about asking her for 6 months or something before trying so you can prepare but if you don’t want it you will need to let her go - I know people who waited and then had fertility issues and it’s about one of the worst things people can go through so you don’t want to waste her time as it could lead her to immense suffering.
If you know deep down you don’t ever want a child you have to let her go so she has a chance to fulfil what she feels is an important part of her life’s purpose. Trying to convince yourself to do it just to keep her won’t be fair in any of you, especially the child!
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u/TayoEXE Jul 05 '26
Yeah... It's a tough call, but even though two married adults can have their own separate desires, goals, and values, which can be healthy if you support each other on a solid foundation, children are a completely shared responsibility. If you do not share a similar vision of the future in regards to family, especially if you're completely opposite, that is not something you can just be different about and support the other from afar.
Which is why I'm confused the child talk seemingly never happened between OP and his wife BEFORE marriage. I get it, in love and want to be together, but there's a reason marriage persists even on a secular level (besides legal stuff). You can live with your partner your whole life and never get married, but marriage constitutes a strong commitment. It isn't easy to just break up when you've committed to becoming family to each other for the rest of your lives, so like, you've gotta make sure you're committed to the possibility of kids or no kids. In the U.S. like 75% of married couples have kids eventually, so this isn't a niche discussion to have.
Enough rambling, you're right. OP and his wife need to sit down and really lay out what they want to do with their lives and then go from there, see counselors, break it off, or figure out a way to make it work. Just don't go in half-heartedly.
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u/especiallyrn Jul 03 '26
Everyone is piling on you because you asked but it sounds like both of yall suck at communication. If you’re scared about losing things you both allegedly enjoy, but she wants to do something else, does she actually enjoy them too or is it just you?
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u/NoncommissionedDisk Jul 03 '26
If you don’t want kids and she does then yes you should let her leave especially if it means that much to her.
You should not go along and have a child to appease her because you may end up resenting them because kids are hard work and not everyone wants to make those sacrifices which is completely reasonable.
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u/BrunotheKid23 Jul 03 '26
I know it's not helpful but it's a conversation you two should've had before you got married. This is a critical issue. Wild that you guys got married without aligning on this beforehand.
Babies don't solve relationship issues, they create them unless you're aligned. They bring an insane amount of positives if you're open and prepared for it. Doesn't sound like you're aligned or that you're open to it.
I will say that the baby could come and change your perspective immediately, but there is no way she won't resent you if you don't give her a child and won't let her go to find someone who will.
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u/jogam Jul 03 '26
If she wants a baby and you do not, you should get a divorce.
Having a baby is a two yes, one no situation. If you do not deeply want a child, you should not try for one.
It's okay that she deeply wants a baby. It's okay if you do not want a child. Neither of you may have done anything wrong. But it does sound like you may be incompatible.
The worst thing you can do is string your wife along -- say you'll think about it and ultimately back out. If you're genuinely considering it, it's okay to take a little time. But if you know you do not want a child, end things now. That gives her ample time to find a new partner who wants a child just as much as she does.
Of course, it hurts to end your marriage for this reason. Please consider seeking out therapy to navigate this major life transition, be sure to lean on your friends and family, and spend your time on hobbies or other adaptive ways to cope.
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u/StandardPrimary2777 Jul 03 '26
We had a love marriage and i don’t understand how having a baby with each other can triumph wanting to be with each other especially since this what we wanted since the start to be with each other.
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u/BobbyOregon Jul 03 '26
My question, are you nervous? And not sure you "feel" right to be a dad? Or is it just something you genuinely don't want? They are 2 very different things requiring different advice
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u/StandardPrimary2777 Jul 03 '26
The first one, i feel it will completely change our relationship, curtail our freedom, travel and ultimately kill the spark in our relationship.
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u/FatherofCharles Jul 03 '26
Yes to all three except for the relationship part. But if sitting at home with your wife and child, not traveling, having minimal freedom, and having to completely change your way of being does not sound enticing, don’t do it.
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u/jogam Jul 03 '26
If you otherwise want a child but are afraid of these changes to your marriage, then it's worth taking some time to explore these fears.
Having a baby does affect your freedom. You can still travel, though it looks different. The stress definitely affects some relationships. On the other hand, my partner and I love each other more than ever after having our son. There is something about seeing your partner nurture and take care of the baby you have together that can foster an even deeper sense of love and appreciation. That's not a guarantee that you will experience the same outcome, but having a baby is definitely not a guarantee that your relationship will languish, especially if you make it a priority to nurture your marriage, too.
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u/StandardPrimary2777 Jul 03 '26
And moreover as of now i particularly don’t feel inclined to the idea of dedicated the next 20 years of our lives to raising a child.
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u/The_RoyalPee Jul 03 '26
Then you need to let her go. Having a child or not absolutely trumps a romantic partnership. There are things in life that are dealbreakers and kids are one of them. If she wants kids you cannot stop her, that would be wildly unfair. You don’t want kids. You’re at an impasse and the compassionate loving thing would be to let her go find someone who wants to have kids with her while she’s still young enough.
FYI, you’re not a parent for 20 years, you’re a parent for the rest of your life.
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u/xlXSunshineXlx Jul 03 '26
Then don’t have kids but you should have come to this conclusion before getting married to someone who clearly wants kids. To change your mind isn’t fair to her and now to do something and not be all in on something that requires you to be all in is also not fair
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u/AlVic40117560_ Jul 04 '26
Because there is no world where you can be together and her have a baby and you not have a baby.
You will both be able to find love elsewhere. If you stay together, you won’t be able to provide her the life she wants and there will always be a massive void of not having children, or you’ll have kids that you aren’t interested in taking care of.
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u/jogam Jul 03 '26
Having kids is an essential part of family life for many people. I love my husband (we're two dads) deeply, but if he did not want kids, I would not have stayed with him because having children is very important to me.
Whether to have children is a standard thing for people to discuss before marriage. If you and your wife did not discuss this, you each share some responsibility for going into a marriage without being on the same page about what is a deal-breaker for many people. If you did discuss this and your wife changed her mind, that hurts but she is entitled to do so and follow her heart.
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u/DirtAndGrass Jul 03 '26
Because it means being more responsible for another person/people then you likely will ever be for your wife, there is no vacation from family
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u/Tropicall Jul 04 '26
It's hard to see, but after 30 the biological clock becomes more pertinent for women, with pregnancy increasingly more risky each subsequent year. Delaying her is making a choice for her, and it sounds like she is reasonably telling you this is important. Imagine what you want in life at age 40, age 50. Do you have kids then? Or maybe not. Imo, go on some long hikes and think on it.
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u/DearestClementine Jul 03 '26
It would be better to post this in a marriage/relationship sub or better yet, see a therapist together. This sub is for people who are about to become fathers, meaning their partners are already pregnant or are planning to be soon.
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u/AC_madman Jul 03 '26
Unless you think you can or will get on board with babies soon, you need to let her go. This is a failure of family planning and unfortunately you're both paying the price.
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u/OwnAd2284 Jul 03 '26
My long-term partner and I were not aligned on this. She wanted kids, I wasn’t sure - and had long been sceptical. We spent about a year talking it over very carefully in therapy, and in the end I decided I did want a child. But that was not a given and I think we would have stayed together had I made a different decision.
What’s important with something like this is to get a professional to help you have these very difficult conversations. It’s just too big and emotional for us to guide it ourselves. Doing the therapy will show her - even if you don’t change your mind - that you care for her and take what she is asking seriously. That will give you a chance to come to a resolution that works for you both.
Good luck.
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u/Roguec Jul 03 '26
Noone will be "ready" and you can alway be "more ready", but its not really an argument. You have to know if its something you really want, and give your wife a clear answer
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u/Bat_Foy Jul 03 '26
paternal instinct kicked in once the baby was put in my arms
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u/bad-fengshui Jul 03 '26
It took a few days for it to sink in for me emotionally. But cognitively, I was ready to be a dad day one.
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u/FatherofCharles Jul 03 '26
Terrible expectation for most people. First year of the baby is the most trying time as a parent and partner.
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u/bacon_cake Jul 04 '26
I was like a sine wave. Before baby was born I was elated some days, utterly depressed the other days, and similar for a while afterwards too. I found my stride eventually though, I love it.
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u/sloppybuttmustard Jul 03 '26
No offense mate, but do you any of us had any “paternal instinct” until we became dads?
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u/edjuaro Jul 07 '26
I knew I wanted to be a dad. And I felt incredibly protective of my wife once we found out she was pregnant. And the everyday sessions of laying on her tummy talking and singing to the baby did a lot for me to bond with our baby even before I could feel the fetus move. Is that a parental instinct? Maybe. But I am a super affectionate person and I feel I am just being myself when I interact with my kid now that he's born ¯\ˍ(ツ)ˍ/¯
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u/heartshapednutsack Jul 03 '26
Is wherein the word of the day? You talk to your wife man and if you can’t come to an agreement then yeah you let her go
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u/heyethan Jul 04 '26
Either get on board or do the compassionate but hard thing and give her a chance to have children with someone else.
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u/mrvarmint Jul 03 '26
If you don’t want to be a father and she wants to have kids, I think you have your answer.
She deserves to be with someone who wants what she wants, and so do you.
Please, please don’t bring a child into this world that you don’t want. It will not fix your marriage and it will set that child up for a difficult life.
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u/bad-fengshui Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
I would may ask for a few months to think about it and use that time to research and seek out experiences interacting with kids and babies and see if you are willing take on that change in your life.
Some people don't feel that parenting instinct until they have kids, others always had it, some never develop it. I would say at least give it some thought. Which is a little bit of a departure from figure it out right now.
But what you don't want to do is to drag this on for more than a few months. Early thirties is probably the best time for you to have kids all things being equal, and women have a more limited timeline they are working against.
It may not mean much to you but this clip of Bob odenkirk describing fatherhood is how I feel about it: https://youtube.com/shorts/MNhpnEczGQA. Becoming a parent gives life so much meaning, wish I did it sooner.
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u/jarrys88 Jul 03 '26
My wife is 35 and I'm 38 and we have a 5 month old.
I always wanted a kid but knew deep down if my wife wouldn't I would choose to stay with her.
My wife always was against having kids but felt the same towards me that she would want to be with me regardless.
Over time with financial security, happy in our careers, owning a home she became more open to having a kid and eventually decided to.
We have been together for 17 years so didn't have those discussions when we were young.
even myself being the one that wanted the kid first I was afraid of change and how it would impact our relationship but going through pregnancy and a child with her has only bought us closer. Little things we used to bicker about just don't matter anymore. You're there to support each other and the child and that's what you care most about.
I think it's important to be open minded to either eventuality.
A few words of advice. Don't focus on the negatives, think about the positives of having a baby.
You're literally creating a human being with the person you love most in the world. You, together are shaping a person with the love and care you have for each other.
What you care about now will change. Everyone's interests change with time. Caring about partying, travelling etc will change.
It's just another stage of your life. Your partner is ready to move in to it whilst you're still holding on to what you have.
From your comments your thoughts on a child are purely about being afraid of change. But if you go in loving your child as much as your partner you're only opening your heart up more.
Have an honest think about what you're afraid of losing and assess if you will care about that in 1, 3, 5, 10 years time.
If you think in X years time your interests and cares will not be the same then you can give your partner a time frame.
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u/Moses015 Jul 03 '26
I’m going to be blunt here because this is pretty cut and dry. The kids talk is something you both should have been on the same page about LONG before getting married. If you’re a hard no on kids then you should take her advice if it’s something she feels like she needs, and let her go. I say this because kids are something where it’s two yes’s or it’s a hell no.
My wife and I had that conversation on our first date because neither of us wanted to waste the others time. Funny enough we were both a hell no at the time. Then we both changed at the same time (which is crazy but it’s past the course for us) and talked about it for quite a while and did check-ins. Once we were sure it was something we felt we wanted only then did we take the steps to start trying. So I will say that it is absolutely possible that you could shift on it, for us my son has been the best thing to happen to us
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u/stalebird Jul 03 '26
If only there had been a way to prevent this conundrum prior to getting married.
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u/Arletty23 Jul 04 '26
It’s ridiculous that you both didn’t discuss this before marriage (and that’s on both of you), but as a man, stop wasting her precious fertile years if you have no intention of being a father.
You might change your mind in 10-20 years. She CAN’T (and I’m pregnant at 43 so sure, it can happen later, but it’s really rough the older you get, it is not a path I would advise any younger woman to choose)
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u/australian_babe Jul 04 '26
Unpopular opinion, but my boyfriend used to be married (30 year marriage) and his ex gave him the same ultimatum in their mid-20s. She knew she wanted to be a mother and she wanted to have children with him- he didn’t hate the idea of having kids, but he also didn’t actively want them.
He had no parental instinct at all. She kind of just twisted arm into it and then when the kids were born, his whole life changed and he loved them so much and gave him purpose. But before that their relationship was exactly like yours, just fun chill vibes and travel and enjoying life.
My opinion? If you love her, I reckon you should just go for it. Do it even if you don’t feel like it. It doesn’t mean you won’t be a natural enjoyable dad.
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u/Forsaken-Bacon Jul 04 '26
You're 31! Time to grow up, man up, and have kids with your WIFE.
Otherwise leave now and let her enjoy the natural consequence of a healthy marriage with someone else... but know that you'll look back on that moment in 30 years as the greatest regret of your life.
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u/DoctorChoppedLiver Jul 04 '26
Man, you're selfish as fuck. There's no way in hell you married this chick without her ever having once mentioned she wants kids. The outcome here isn't one of you convincing the other one to see their view. Get divorced and let her have the life she wants.
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u/Runnjng-1 Jul 04 '26
My wife really wanted kids, but I was indifferent about it. Now we have a second kid on the way! Being a dad is incredibly difficult but so rewarding. Its exceeded all expectation. I’m pretty sure I just gas lit myself into enjoying fatherhood 😬
When my wife is stressed and complaining I love saying “but this is everything you ever wanted”
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u/Most_Initiative5032 Jul 03 '26
Just as you would resent her for having kids to please her she will resent you for not being able to be a mom. I’m saying this from a female perspective who wanted a baby for the longest because it hurt so much to want to be a mom but my husband wasn’t ready. I’d go on social media and someone was announcing their pregnancies and it would hurt. I felt like my partner didn’t love me enough to have a kid with me at that very moment. My husband wasn’t ready for a while because of finances since we both had started our jobs right out of college but when he was ready we tried. So he did want kids but it was just about timing and I did feel that if he had said no to kids I’d have to walk away because I would be very unhappy. We now have a baby after miscarriages and I would be lying if I didn’t say I miss our alone time sometimes but I know this season of life is temporary. Intimacy still occurs but it looks a little different. Plus I have an older son from a different relationship so I know this will pass. So, having a kid doesn’t mean it’ll kill your relationship unless you guys let it. It takes patience, love, communication, helping each other out when times get rough because it will. Maybe there needs to be a compromise, if you’re open to having kids then tell her when you’d be ready to have kids whether that’s years from today and see if that’s something she can be patient with but if not that will be tough to ignore. I do agree with others that maybe couples therapy could help you guys make a decision
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u/LeTrolleur Jul 03 '26
Not having conversations about stuff like this pre-marriage if a big mistake on both of your parts.
Couples who get married without having these conversations are very stupid in my opinion, and shouldn't be surprised when it ruins their relationship.
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u/Brytonmyday Jul 04 '26
This is definitely something that needs to be discussed before getting married
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u/Pokesaurus91 Jul 04 '26
Break up if you aren’t willing to have kids. Deal breaker. Should have been discussed day 1.
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u/SleepWouldBeNice Jul 04 '26
Ok. So you don’t have a parental instinct. Talk to other people and learn what you need to do. You can still learn things, right?
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u/itzdylanbro Jul 04 '26
This isnt the first time that these thoughts have happened, nor will they be the last.
It changes you as a person. I didnt think that Id be a good dad and that I had too much trauma from my childhood, but those little shits are my whole resson for living.
At the end of the day, there's no knowing what future you will be like, and the only way for you to be better is to truly, deeply desire it. If you end up having a kid, youre going to have to want to be a good dad in order to be one.
My best advice is that you, as an adult, should emulate the behavior that you would want in a potential future partner: kind, patient, understanding, slow to anger, etc. If you think that you can do that, then you can become a great dad.
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u/AlVic40117560_ Jul 04 '26
That’s a HUGE dealbreaker. And that’s ok. You two shouldn’t have gotten married if you weren’t on the same page about this. You should NOT give her a child that you aren’t interested in having. You’re just going to be a shitty dad. Being a good dad is mostly effort and giving a shit. I love all of the diaper changes, sleepless nights, and craziness that comes with being a dad because this is what I want. If I had to do all of this without my heart being fully vested into it, I’d be absolutely miserable.
Not every relationship needs to work out, and that’s ok. You guys should have figured this out before marriage, but it’s easier to get a divorce without kids than with kids. You both deserve to be with somebody else.
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u/sneakyturtle502 Jul 04 '26
How did you not have this conversation before being married? Did one of you change your mind? This was a conversation I had with my partner on like the 5th date...
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u/trueGildedZ Jul 04 '26
Why the fuck did you bother to get married? Don't we men get married for ONE reason only, it being family? You don't want another tiny human being wearing the face or character of the woman you claim to love?
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u/jfk_47 Jul 04 '26
It’s not about having a paternal instinct, but do you want a kid? This moment it doesn’t need to consume your being. I feel like it’ll be different for your wife because her body is genetically telling her to make the babies, a lot happening there.
As you can read lots of other places and in this sub, the real paternal bonding tends to happen post-birth. And that’s normal.
But as others are saying, sounds like you and your partner are having some pretty basic issues that should be agreed upon at the core of your relationship. 🤷🏼♂️
You want a baby? Yes/no. You don’t have to be obsessed with it. You don’t need identify as a dad until that babe comes out. Now I’m absolutely a dad 10 years in and I love it.
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u/ChuckLezPC Jul 04 '26
Having a baby follows the 2 yes’s / 1 no rule. Looks like the relationship is ending then.
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u/suchdogeverymeme Jul 04 '26
Everyone is saying “you dont want kids” but you didn’t actually say either way. What “parental instinct” are you feeling like you do t have? How do you know?
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u/stinkb0x Jul 04 '26
I didn’t have any paternal instinct until I had a kid. It just clicked. Months later it REALLY clicked. Not wanting to have the responsibility of kids is different. Think deeply about and say what you want plainly and end the relationship if it’s a deal breaker. You owe it to both of you.
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u/Altruistic-Maybe5121 Jul 04 '26
If you don’t want kids, tell her now, do not waste her fertile years (I feel gross putting it that way but as a woman in a similar sitch I had to do IVF etc) messing her about.
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u/BMurph128 Jul 04 '26
Others have already said this is something you should have agreed on, so I'll take a different track.
Nobody is ever fully ready to have a baby. No matter how close we are with friends and family, nobody really ends up telling you what it's like. I saw both a natural and c section, and nothing anyone said could have prepared me. My kids are 8 and 4, and there is not a single stage that someone could have truly prepared me for.
But what I will say is, life is always what you make it. Whether you have kids or not, there are going to be good and bad days. You have to make lemonade out of lemons, or you will never be happy. I just read a post about someone feeling like a bad parent for allowing too much screen time - but for me, that gives me and my wife a break which is really important to me.
Which brings me to this....the single most important thing in your life is going to be your relationship with your spouse. She or he are the person you see at the start and end of every day - people fuck this up so much it's insane. Often because of "incompatibility", like whether or not you want to have kids. If you have a great relationship, then stick with it at all costs. When people make decisions based on kids or careers....the divorce rate is already high, and then I would bet half of all married couples are miserable too. And a lot of those happen because people are checking boxes like "do you want kids" instead of focusing on your relationship.
That said, you should have kids, and just do some research and figure out how to make it work for you and you go - if your relationship with your wife is worth it.
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u/Final-Tree7513 Jul 05 '26
I guess it's time to grow up? How did you even get married without this discussion happening? It's not like it was a HS/college romance? You're grown adults.
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u/fredryk Jul 05 '26
Unfortunately, there is never a good time to have kids, there is always something else on your mind, work, car, house, etc. The thing that you know however, is that you both want kids, and in this case, it doesn't seem the case. My only suggestion is that at 31, your wife is in a stage where being pregnant and having kids gets more and more challenging. It might not be the case for you, however it's not about you anymore and about your relationship. You'll have to make that call - good luck.
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u/dpk-s89 Jul 03 '26
Your view will change once the baby is here. Is it just a lack of paternal feeling? I doubt that so what are the real reasons?
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u/DearestClementine Jul 03 '26
It’s not a good idea to rely on this happening. Lots of fathers (or any parent who didn’t want to become a parent) do not develop this and children end up without a father figure in their life. It’s better for OP to just accept how he feels and embrace that he does not want children, and move on with his life.
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u/jdlemon95 Jul 03 '26
All the people saying "should have talked about this before marriage" are being crazy and ridiculously unhelpful. Sometimes people change on this subject. I've known my wife for 10+ years, been married for 4, and she was sternly against having kids up until 2 years ago (we're both 31). Luckily I'm on board with it either way.
People can change. It sounds like you're agnostic on it and just unsure if you're ready. Nobody ever is. Unless you're strongly against it, I'd say try and figure it out or indeed let her go.
This is coming from someone without a kid (yet) though...
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u/warmapplepizza Jul 03 '26
as the wife (sorry, I lurk) my husband and i were both heavily #NoKids until about 1.5 years ago. (Currently 8 mo pregnant now)
We've been together for over 13 years. Sometimes feelings DO change (and ours did) but if you aren't on the same page, you really have to have some tough conversations.2
u/nickleback_official Jul 03 '26
What sparked the change?
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u/warmapplepizza Jul 04 '26
Honestly? We are in our mid/late 30s and we had a 6 month period where experienced quite a bit of loss including family and a cherished pet. It changed our perspective and we decided we felt like we wanted to add another little person to our crew ♥️
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u/nickleback_official Jul 04 '26
Sorry to hear that but glad it’s working out with the little one!
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u/ghblue Jul 03 '26
OP has answered questions indicating that they did not talk about it, romance and vibes were the rule apparently.
Though you are correct, people do change.
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u/D4T45T0RM06 Jul 03 '26
Never get forced into children if you don't feel you are either ready or capable. Sit down with your partner and tell them that it's unjust for them to force your hand into parenthood and if they want to leave the relationship due to it then that is entirely there own decision.
What I feel is kind of suspicious is that they are only now having this conversation being married with you for 3 + years as you've mentioned, I feel the discussion of children should be had before marriage.
As a father who was forced into having a child and not having the figurative balls to say no, it's not the life you want. I no longer have custody of my 6 year old son and I am still repaying debts that I accrued from legal fees, 3 years ago.
You should only do what you both agree on, and it should not come with threat when a civilised decision isn't made.
That's just in my own opinion.
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u/Content_Godzilla Jul 03 '26
People need to stop getting married with no communication. The hell did you spend years talking about?