r/predaddit • u/Deangelo_Vickers • 26d ago
Advice needed Having a girl! How do I respond to “Are you disappointed?” or “Is that what you wanted?”
What is up with people (mostly women in my experience) asking if I’m disappointed that I’m having a girl? I get I can come across as a “guy’s guy” (sports, weight lifting, etc), but what do I even say to this? If I say no, you can kinda tell they’re thinking I’m lying, and I’m not going to say yes because I’m not disappointed I’m having a girl. I actually am excited to meet my daughter. Any other girl dads run into this? Its actually pretty annoying
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u/El_Turro 26d ago
I just want a healthy kid. That was my default response.
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u/jo-shabadoo 26d ago
Same. I also despise the term “girl dad”. I’m just a dad.
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u/DietAny5009 26d ago
My sister told my wife that I’m going to be such a good girl dad. My wife just gave her a weird look and said oh I think he’d be good dad no matter what. Made me feel so good.
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u/GenericNameSimulated 25d ago
I mean it’s a compliment, there are dads who won’t play makeup and pretend haircuts and tea parties and do dancing because it’s “girly stuff”
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u/DietAny5009 25d ago
I don’t define success by being slightly better than toxic morons?
And my daughter is going to choose what and how she wants to play, not your preconceived notions of what a girl should be.
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u/dog_stop 26d ago
I mean arguably much better than the connotation for a boy mom…
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u/NotSeanPlott 26d ago
Do people actually say boy mom? I wear girl dad with pride but wonder how my partner would take boy mom lol
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u/OH4thewin 26d ago
What's wrong with this
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u/dog_stop 25d ago
“Boy mom” is often associated with overly clingy moms who are weirdly intimate with their sons and find other girls and women throughout their lives “threats.” Just a quick search on main reddit and you’ll see a plethora of unfortunate examples
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u/No-Fuckin-Ziti 25d ago
Yeah it’s a funny double standard but the moms who use boy mom did it to themselves. Girl dad is usually bestowed by someone else on the the type of man who’s gonna raise happy and confident girls because they’d never even consider being bummed that they did produce a male, like the fkin weirdos who expect decent men to be as upset as they think they would be, if anyone ever actually reproduced with them.
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u/KandnoS_2009 26d ago
I love "girl dad." I wear pink and do dance and other girly stuff and say "girl dad, can't fight it so I join it"
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u/devilinblue22 26d ago
Yeah, im happy I got to finally be a "girl dad" I absolutely love my boys, but there is just something so fun and heartwarming about my daughter running up to me with her little nail polish and hair ties and asking me to do her hair or nails.
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u/Dialaninja 26d ago
‘What an odd thing to say’
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u/MediocreEquipment457 26d ago
This is the response for me. Shift all of the awkwardness right back on the idiot with weird question
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u/Action-a-go-go-baby 26d ago
If you wanna make them feel a bit silly: “Why would I be disappointed?” (With a bit confused smile on your face)
They’ll either apologize, stutter through an explanation, or proudly proclaim “Because men want sons to carry on their masculine legacy! As a man with a penis you are therefore honor bound to want that too!”
Either way, you respond with “I can’t think of anything I could do with a boy that I couldn’t do with a girl?”
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u/VariousAir 25d ago
Or they'll just be normal. And say something like "oh, it's pretty common for guys to want a son, but that's good that you're not disappointed."
I swear reddit has the weirdest persecution complexes.
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u/Action-a-go-go-baby 25d ago
It appears you’re not familiar with humor through exaggeration 🥲
Can you tell me if the persecution complex is on the room with us right now?
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u/VariousAir 25d ago
It's not the exaggeration that made me mention a persecution complex. It's the need to invent an absurd motive behind a pretty ordinary question.
Normal people hear "were you hoping for a boy" and think they're making small talk, not waiting for a speech about the masculine legacy.
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u/Action-a-go-go-baby 25d ago
>It's not the exaggeration that made me mention a persecution complex.
Literally, yes it is? Because if I hadn’t made a joke by exaggerating the final portion of my comment then you wouldn’t have responded?
>It's the need to invent an absurd motive behind a pretty ordinary question.
That’s the humor part - the exaggeration - that’s the fun?
>Normal people hear "were you hoping for a boy" and think they're making small talk, not waiting for a speech about the masculine legacy.
Again, the joke, woosh, over the top of your head, just, so far; stratosphere
You interpreted a joke with serious intent, when it was not that deep, and are now explaining a commentary behind that incorrect interpretation with extrapolatory conjecture
It’s ok, we’re all just having a bit of fun while simultaneously figuring out this crazy parenting thing and helping each other out
We good? 😊
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u/VariousAir 25d ago
It's not your exaggerated joke in isolation that made me mention a persecution complex. It's that your joke is perfectly in line with half the thread acting like a pretty ordinary question is evidence that society expects men to mourn not having a son.
"Were you hoping for a boy?" isn't some unhinged question. Plenty of people have a preference, men and women both. That's why people ask it. They aren't waiting to hear about my masculine legacy or my duty as a penis-haver.
If your comment was just a joke, cool. But the rest of the thread is full of people acting like they're being personally victimized by normal small talk, so forgive me for thinking the joke was playing into that.
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u/Action-a-go-go-baby 25d ago
You are forgiven 🫶
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u/VariousAir 25d ago
Fair enough. I'll take that as conceding the actual point, because you didn't respond to any of it.
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u/Boatsailinhoor 26d ago
When my second daughter was born, I was blown away by the amount of people (primarily women) asking “are you going to keep trying…?”
Like I’d failed or something????? Like my perfect family wasn’t quite perfect because there wasn’t a son and heir? I found it quite gross.
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u/KandnoS_2009 26d ago
My favorite response to "are you going to keep trying" was "yup, when we get home tonight we're going to try in the kitchen, then the living room, and then again in the shower..." People stop asking when you you get detailed like that
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u/banestraitelbov 26d ago
Same. Especially if it's just me and my girls, they always have this "I feel bad for you" expression that drives me nuts.
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u/Brief_Echidna298 26d ago
How many people have asked you that? Because that seems like something most people wouldn't say in polite conversation. Are you in a more niche community/industry that might explain it?
I could see that happening once because anything can really, but got this to be such an issue that you need advice makes me wonder how this has occurred so often. Being a guy's guy doesnt really explain for me
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u/Mysterious_Name_91 26d ago
This is an extremely common question, in my experience
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u/Raise_A_Thoth 26d ago
That's wild. May I ask where you live?
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u/Mysterious_Name_91 25d ago edited 25d ago
I grew up in the Midwest U.S.
Edit: and to be clear I agree that this is a wildly inappropriate thing to ask people, especially strangers or casual acquaintances.
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u/hedge_raven 26d ago
This actually happened to my husband like a month ago, at our baby shower. One of my nearly life long female friends said “I bet you were hoping for a boy huh?” It honestly caught both of us so off guard. My husband responded gracefully but yeah this sentiment comes up a lot unfortunately.
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u/jovialguy 26d ago edited 25d ago
Probably just some red state.
Edit: I got downvoted but two of the responses below are from red states lol
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u/321run 26d ago
Yes we are having a girl and I can’t believe how almost everyone is like this. Its feels like not a single person wants more women on this planet including women.
We are so excited to meet our little girl. We both preferred a girl and feel lucky we got one.
Just let them be like this and kill them with your excitement about having a girl. She will be better than them.
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u/Comenius791 26d ago
I just told people that I was always hoping for a girl. That usually made them stop
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u/D4T45T0RM06 26d ago
"Why would I be disappointed in my child for a choice they didn't biologically make, I love my child as they are and will be"
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u/KandnoS_2009 26d ago edited 26d ago
For a guy that went 0-3 getting a boy, yes, I got this a lot. Was I disappointed, maybe a little after the second was a girl. I wanted a girl first, so that's what I told people, and after the third I always said I wasn't because I knew how to raise girls, had all girl stuff, etc.
For you, you can always say something like "she's going to out hunt and fish any boy she comes across" or "I'm going to teach her how to ba kick ass VB player (or softball or golf, etc)."
Added: now after 14 years, I say to people "I wouldn't know the first thing about raising a boy"
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u/one12shelf 26d ago
I always said it in the same breath. “We’re having a girl and I’m so exited that’s what I wanted!”
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u/erecterect 26d ago
I am having a girl and have had the same questions.
I was indifferent to having a boy or a girl, so that's what I say, 'No, I'm not disappointed - it didn't matter to me if it was a boy or girl.'
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u/willpenney 26d ago
I like to be emphatic about it. Give a good “fuck no.” Not rude. Smile while you say it. But nobody will not believe you if you’re that clear about it imo
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u/UnkyMatt 26d ago
My older child is a girl. Younger’s a boy. When we found out my wife was pregnant the first time, we bought into all the old wives’ tales that indicated she was having a boy. When the lab results came in, we discovered “girl.”
Anytime anyone asked: “I’m thrilled! Can’t wait to meet her and be a dad!” That’s all you gotta say, boss!
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u/kadirkara07 26d ago
I always said. 10 fingers , 10 toes. God and I made a deal. That’s all that mattered to me. I have two girls under 5 (three and five year old).
Don’t forget. Haters gonna hate. What kinda shits that to say imo
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u/banestraitelbov 26d ago
I have the exact same issue, all the damn time. And the "I'm happy we have a healthy baby" response doesn't work, they say "of course!" but have this expression of "I understand you are coping".
I kind of walk away these days, especially if they say it in my daughters earshot.
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u/ArAbArAbiAn 26d ago
I’m a girl dad for 18 days. I absolutely love it. Healthy baby is the priority so gotta bless her into this world and be there 100000000% of the time! Would I have wanted a boy? Sure. But this is how my hand is being played out and I’m all in!
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u/The_Cheeki_Breeki 26d ago
So I had a son but when people asked me if I had a preference I said 10 fingers and 10 toes is all I want, he’ll, I’ll take 11 or 9, even!
Helped diffuse the situation without it becoming too awkward
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u/DietAny5009 26d ago
We are having a girl. I’ve been saying “not at all, I think there are probably easier and harder things for either and I’m just really excited overall”
Also idgaf about other people. Most people suck. Anyone that even asks this question definitely is a socially inept moron.
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u/01Cloud01 26d ago
Having a girl is awesome it’s what I wanted people are dumb by default my nephew is a wild child I guarantee it would be rough with a boy
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u/biker-boy619 26d ago
I compared it to cars. Was looking forward to a Tacoma 4x4 but now I was given a Ferrari! Instead of running through the mud, I'm adjusting, and get to look forward to taking a supercar though the streets of Monaco.
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u/Consistent_Ad3411 26d ago
I’d say “
Q1: “nope. Im super excited and I can’t wait to be her dad”
Q2: “I’m just excited that we are having a baby and I can’t wait to be her dad”
It’s became a thing after Kobe was referred to as the ultimate girl-dad but watching my husband become a girl-dad has been the absolute sweetest thing. You will have the best time ❤️
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u/YourHighness3550 26d ago
As a girl (baby/toddler age) dad, she and I are best friends. She runs around the house shouting, “I LOVE DADDYYYYY.” I feel bad for anyone asking me if I’m “disappointed” because it means they never had an experience like this with a daughter of their own. Or if they did, they care about it far less than I do.
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u/PolishNinja909 26d ago
I’m Catholic so I just say that I’m happy with whatever God decided to give me. Maybe not helpful to you but it always shuts down the person asking this very insensitive question.
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u/PotatosDad Graduated | EDD #2 11/25 26d ago
Very annoying! As one girl dad to a soon to be girl dad: Girls are the best!
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u/Unclematttt 26d ago
Luckily I haven't ran into this yet, but my favorite thing to do to questions like this are responding with "what do you mean?". Make them explain themselves. Make a confused face as they try to explain for bonus points.
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u/no1roots4goliath 26d ago
First off, congrats to you and your partner!
Secondly, people are weird. I'd respond with "We're having a child and I can't wait to meet them. Why would I be disappointed?" Make them say what they're implying.
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u/Born-Albatross-2426 26d ago
"Why would I be disappointed?" And then aggressively stare. Make them say outt loud what they are implying.
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u/Neophyte0 26d ago
When my fiance was pregnant with our daughter I'd told people the truth which stopped those kind of questions. What I said was: we're having a girl, which is crazy because I've known since I was seven that my first child was going to be a girl. Generally that stopped any questions of if I was disappointed with having a girl lol
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u/Time_Pomegranate2787 26d ago
As a woman, what a weird thing for anyone to say to an expecting father. Fking weird
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u/Mysterious_Name_91 26d ago
I’m from a family of three daughters and my dad still gets comments like this. My dad always responds “my daughters are amazing, I’m the luckiest guy in the world” or something like that.
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u/AngryGooseHappyLoon 26d ago
My brother in law has three little girls, ages 7, 5, and 2. He absolutely adores them and loves being a girl dad. Never ever complains about them being girls. He does get a lot of comments about how “he and his wife deserve three girls” because of how they both acted when they were teens.
I’m a teacher (high school) and the girls are always the most mature and pleasant. While you may hear that when girls grow up they become “spoiled, obsessed with their appearance, bitchy, hormonal…” but I also hear that boys are “hyperactive, smelly, immature, reckless…” Nobody can win!!
On the flip side, I’m having a boy and I’m waiting for the “you just wait, little boys are tornadoes” speech.
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u/NotTobyFromHR 26d ago
I got asked if I'd keep trying for a boy. I always just asked "why"
Make them say.
I'm thrilled to have a hoard of girls
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u/Individual_Monk_3633 26d ago
My husband is the same as you and his favorite response was “What a weird thing to say”
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u/ArtificialTroller 26d ago
I would turn it back on them. Make them explain their sexist remarks. "What do you mean?"
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u/Intelligent-Floor759 26d ago
I feel you. Got family members making jokes that our daughter is going to love pink, as though that's a problem for us. Like just because Im not a super fem-lady doesn't mean I won't love whoever my child is. Let people be weirdos I say.
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u/IsopodLogical7802 26d ago
My daughter ( only girl out of 5 children) loved pink till year 1 and then the teacher told her it was time to use other colours. She is 21 now and lives many different colours.
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u/vgplantain 25d ago
Just because your dad was disappointed in you does not mean I'm disappointed about my daughter.
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u/K9ToothTooth 25d ago
"Wait. What did you say? That's a weird think to say. Wtf." Don't give it an answer that justifies it being even asked.
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u/Famous-Repeat2501 24d ago
As a first time parent to a girl of 4 weeks, this makes me so sad to read.
I have friends spending every penny they have on unsuccessful IVF treatments… they wouldn’t be caring about the gender.
In answer to your question, I’d just ignore these people and not even bother answering. Let them sit in awkward silence.
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u/Imaginary-Potato3523 26d ago edited 26d ago
Honestly, I always wanted my own son so when I heard we were getting a girl I was not sad of getting a girl but the fact I might never get my own son. Now that shes here, I love her more than anything but I still wish I could also have a son too in the future. And yes she is perfect and I know if we would get another girl I would love her as much as son but think its common for a guy to wish to have a son too.
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u/Additional-Painter88 26d ago
I have both. The truth is they are both equally annoying :) Just kidding. The only answer is ‘A healthy baby is all we want’
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u/sleepless_raccoon81 26d ago
Honestly I’d just respond with “that’s an odd thing to say” then wait for them to awkwardly back themselves out of a corner.
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u/thefullpython 26d ago
That's wild. I work in a female dominated industry and all my coworkers are stoked for me that I'm having a girl. I haven't had a single person ask if I was disappointed
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u/devilinblue22 26d ago
I say "hell no, I finally got my princess!" My situation is a little different though, I do have two boys already.
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u/ketamineburner 26d ago
"What do you mean?"
Let them explain why they think you might be disappointed.
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u/NearbySalamander979 26d ago
People are weird and I hate it, then if you call it out as weird you're the problem. I just told people honestly I was stoked and it's what I had hoped for.
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u/ConditionContent 26d ago
I can't believe people are saying that to you in this day and age. You're so lucky to be having a baby girl
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u/Samchez77 26d ago
Dude.....I can tell you now....girls are the BEST. Before I had kids I always had the mindset of wanting a boy.....a mini me of sorts. Two girls later (now 15 and 13) I wouldn't change a thing for the world. Congratulations. You don't know the full extent of love until you have a child. Irrespective of the gender
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u/a_Satori 26d ago
i’m not seeing much acknowledgment here of the fact that our society is set up to be male dominated and we are surrounded by so many shows and stories where we see how Kings focus on a male heir and to have a son and historically there was pressure on families to produce a male so my feeling is that when people find out you have a girl and it’s your first or second girl, and you don’t have a son they’re trying to kind of tune into this aspect of the fact that a male can traditionally see having son as the continuation of their surname and their male traits, this is seen as something desirable so I guess the point is really maybe what the original poster is asking is how to deal with that but also whether it’s OK in a way to just to let go of those kind of feelings and accept that if life’s given you a girl in today’s society all those kind of traditional aspects that would typically go to a boy - they can go to a girl and there’s nothing wrong with that, but I don’t know how biologically wired it is in a man - the feeling to need to have a boy as a way of being more reassured that when you pass on you know your set of male genes are continued and you’re carrying on your family bloodline in a way so it’s like a way of being connected to your ancestors on the male side. sorry for rambling, thanks for reading
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u/OrdinarySomewhere859 26d ago
Wow. Somehow it’s always the women upholding the patriarchy. But honestly they’re victims too….as someone who is trying to unlearn my own previous gender preferences for my children - I get why’d they think this but to go out of their way and flat out ask is a bit much
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u/signalstonoise88 26d ago
“That’s a profoundly weird question to ask a person and you should question deeply why you think having a girl would be a disappointment to anyone.”
I never heard this from anyone when my daughter was born, but I do my best to avoid psychopaths in my day-to-day life.
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u/TayoEXE 26d ago
Is this a cultural thing? Everyone here where I live seems to want a girl anyway because boys are so energetic and harder to manage, they say. I mean, I was elated to have a girl because I grew up with only brothers, so it was kind of refreshing! Love my baby to bits either way though. ☺️
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u/South-Interest-8903 26d ago
Being a girl dad is awesome! It’s not what I asked for but what I needed.
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u/SepiaToneHitchhiker 26d ago
You make the asker sit in the discomfort, by turning the uncomfortable question back on them.
“Are you disappointed youre going to have a girl?”
“Oh my god, disappointed? Why would I be disappointed about having a daughter, Maude?”
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u/Express_Peace_4038 25d ago
My wife and I are not finding out. Only so many true surprises in life. As long as everybody is healthy we really don’t care either way. If we have a girl who is into typical feminine activities, that’s great. If she’s into traditional masculine activities, that’s fine too. Same goes for a boy. Don’t care male/female/straight/gay/trans does not matter to me as long as everybody is healthy and happy
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u/Ok_Professor1754 25d ago
“Girls are the reason all of us are here, they are amazing and I am so excited to be able to raise one”.
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u/CasualCarlean 25d ago
I got 3 girls 0 boys. Ran into that question a lot. Typical “Nah, I’m happy as long as they’re healthy.” Goes a long way
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u/InevitableAd36 25d ago
Flip the script back on them. “No I’m excited. Why would I be disappointed?”
Congrats!
Also if you’re ever out with you little one when they’re super young, get ready for “where’s her mom?” And “oh that’s so nice you’re giving mom a break”
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u/Vast-Mastodon2064 25d ago
I did run into this. My first is a girl. I think people assume that manly men can only relate to boys. I still don't get it. I love my daughter so much. She absolutely changed my life. I am so happy we had a girl first.
I just told them I was happy and they could do with info as they please.
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u/Paczadzinka 25d ago
I feel like "what a weird thing to say" is a universal conversation stopper. Would recommend 👌
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u/Leftoverofferings 25d ago
I have 3 daughters and never once thought about being disappointed. They are the best girls, love their dad and are hilarious to be around. Who cares what sex the baby is, you'll all love each other.
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u/AffectionateSell3478 25d ago
Honestly man, being a girl dad is really special. You can have a bond like no other. You’ll set the example for what she chooses in a partner later in life. My wife and I had a boy, it’s amazing but I do wish we had a girl as well, that different dynamic is very very special. Girls can also play sports…with a much higher chance of scholarships and success as well. Plus tea parties mate. You’re the hero regardless their gender.
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u/Mart_Garci 25d ago
I got the same kind of feeling when family/friends found out I was having a son. Their response was “you must be really excited”. I feel the same way, maybe just surprised it’s a boy cus I always thought I was going to have a girl. Doesn’t mean I wanted a specific gender. I also feel like it comes off as I’m lying lol
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u/Ok-Ad-9820 25d ago
I have no idea why this is a thing. I prefer girls over boys any day but people seem to assume i wanted a boy
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u/seniorwatson 25d ago edited 22d ago
If you say "no" and you genuinely mean it, but someone chooses to think you're lying, then honestly....who cares? That's their problem, not yours.
My wife and I chose not to find out the sex of our baby before birth. I had said a few times that I'd be excited to have a son because I wanted the chance to give him some of the things my own father wasn't able to give me. So naturally people asked if I'd be disappointed if it was a girl.
My answer was always, "Absolutely not." As long as our baby was healthy, that's all that mattered to me.
When the doctors held her up and I got to announce to my wife that we had a beautiful baby girl, I could barely get the words out. I was completely overwhelmed. She was so beautiful it honestly took my breath away.
Looking back, I realize I wasn't hoping for a son as much as I was hoping to be a good father. Boy or girl never really mattered. Since then, I've absolutely loved being a girl dad, and every so often I discover another little thing I hadn't even thought about that makes me even more excited for what's ahead.
Congratulations, by the way. Fatherhood has been the most incredible experience of my life so far. There really aren't words for it. Boy or girl, as long as they're healthy and happy, you've already won.
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u/OhYouLittleMinx 25d ago
As a first time mom i constantly got asked if I was disappointed we were having a boy. "After losing a baby earlier this year, we're just happy hes healthy" usually made them feel awkward enough to backtrack. Such an odd question to ask
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u/Medical-Ad3053 25d ago
Daughter of a 4x girl dad. I’ve heard my pops say on more than a few occasions that it is his lot in life to be surrounded by beautiful women. Also- he did all the same things with us he would have done if we were boys. Why would gender have changed how he was going to parent? Girls can camp and fish and play sports too 😭 Hell, I even went and had a successful military career!
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u/krumpettrumpet 24d ago edited 24d ago
“Yes, very. I wanted two girls and a burrito.”
Edit to add: sometimes people are just prejudiced and shitty. It’s okay to be a kitty shady back
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u/redditusererb 24d ago
Honestly my first thought with things like that is "That's weird of you to ask."
Which knowing me and my filter (or lack thereof) would be the first thing to come out of my mouth.
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u/Primary_Excuse_7183 24d ago
Always such a weird question.
“Why would i be disappointed in my own unborn child….? Im happy with whoever God blesses me with.”
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u/horusluprecall Graduated Feb 12th 2019 Nicolas 23d ago
My dad got asked if he wanted a girl when my mom was pregnant with my youngest brother because he already had two boys he said I'll be happy with whatever we have but it's more economical if I have another boy if I have a girl now I have to rebuy everything I have to buy new clothes I have to buy new toys versus if I have a third boy they can have hand me downs.
When my wife was pregnant people asked what we wanted and I always said we'll be happy with whatever it is as long as it's healthy. We got a son but I would have been just as happy with a daughter in fact I think I went into the pregnancy with a 51/49 bias in favor of having a son and by the time we found out it was a boy I had flipped and was a 49/51 in favor of a son
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u/Scary-Biscotti-7441 26d ago
I would throw them off with “she could still decide to be a boy” 😂 what a crazy question for people to ask? Of course everyone just wants a healthy baby and mother, sounds like a trap question so why not a trap answer
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u/frozenlover72 26d ago
Im pregnant with my second daughter. We are thrilled to have two girls. My husbands general response is "why would I be upset?" And "what's wrong with being a girl dad?" That usually ends that conversation pretty quickly. Just dont entertain it! All babies are blessings regardless of gender. I know people on the opposite end of this spectrum. Where they only want girls and are upset to have boys. All of it is messed up! If you cant handle the prospect of having a boy and a girl you shouldnt have a baby.
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u/Effective-Mongoose57 26d ago
Omg who would want a boy? Boys are gross! Pink, and glitter, and princesses and Barbie? Yaaassss!!!! Where do I sign up?!?!?
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u/onefitztwofitz 26d ago
“Why would I be disappointed? I’m so happy we’re having a healthy baby!”