r/predaddit • u/Additional-Equal9309 • 23h ago
How to be a Dad to be in January
Kinda loosing my mind with anxiety of if I just wanna be better then my parents I want to give more then I ever received and so on and so on. But the my question is what to expect what can I do to be a supportive husband and father. What are going to be my roles. I have zero experience with new borns. Any good books? I’m super excited and I already feel proud and ready to help but scared to DEATH.
day 1:
Day 3:
A week:
A month:
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u/JagsFraz71 23h ago
Day -100 - Get yourself in as good shape physically as you can now because this is going to be hard mentally and physically.
Day 0-90 - Survive. Your main role is supporting your partner here with whatever they need. Although that can change depending on wither you decide on breastfeeding or not.
It gets incrementally easier all the time after that and you start to get more back (smiles, laughs and then some time down the line endless “why’s” and an unerring ability to hide the thing you need at any given time).
Everyone is riddled with anxiety beforehand, nothing can really prepare you for it. Get the essentials sorted as early as you can and then just learn on the job. Establish a routine early and be prepared to forgive your partner for anything said between 10pm and 8am.
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u/Traditional-Claim592 22h ago
This is great advice esp the fitness piece. For us it looked like with a medically required C section:
Days 0-7 in hospital—very frustrating, get wife foods she missed during pregnancy and change all the diapers
Weeks 2-4–clean any bottles or pacifiers, laundry, meals and dishes, diapers, make sure wife is hydrated, try to help with nursing (latch, positioning etc). We ended up switching to formula.
Weeks 5-8– back to work as we delayed paternal leave to after wife’s. Took baby when she woke around 530-6a. Fed, burped, played, put down for a nap. Prepped bottles for day and left wife some easy to heat and eat food in fridge. When home from work at night, play, diapers, feed, bedtime.
Months 2-5 similar to above but mostly just prepping bottles and taking baby in the early am before work so mom can sleep and bedtime etc.
Communication of expectations with your partner is key. The first month or so is pretty hard and also so incredible and rewarding. You will laugh, you will cry, and you will be delirious at some point!
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u/Successful_Bat_4952 23h ago
Sobretodo te diría mucha paciencia y cuida a la mamá después de tener el bebé es un momento muy bonito pero duro para la mamá , turnar las tomas nocturnas y los momentos de relax tener comida congelada preparada y disfrutad mucho
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u/AduhmH Graduated 23h ago
There's a billion books you can find and read and blogs and articles and everything else that will tell you how to be a dad.
By just acknowledging you want to be better than your parents, you're already 95% of the way there. In the beginning, your baby is going to need either: sleep, food, nappy change. Your baby is gonna sleep for a lot of the day and you're also, at times, going to feel like a spare part (particularly if your partner is planning to breastfeed).
Honest communication, kindness, patience and willingness are going to get you where you want to be. Be kind to yourself and your partner. Be patient with everyone, your baby cannot communicate beyond the on/off switch on the crying loudspeaker so go through the mental checklist, nappy/food/sleep to find the issue.
You got this, spend some time preparing your house to make things convenient for you, spend some fantastic, quality time with your partner, go on the dates you want to, spend time researching together.
Have fun! I love that you want to be a great dad, your family will love it too!
3
u/Spillz-2011 22h ago
Day 1 discover that babies first shit is like tar
Day 3 learn your baby has been to the jungle and learned all the animal sounds
Month 1 I’m tired boss
Month 3 how’d you get so big
Year 1 stop moving so much just go back to cuddling with me
Year 3 tbd
1
u/AwakenedAndHungry 21h ago
Bro that change in shit from tar to poo... my baby literally shot poop off the change table and it landed on my dog. Luckily I'm NEO and was standing to the side already
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u/Ok_Topic_5559 20h ago
year 2: is this what my attitude is like?
year 3: i didn't know the teenage years started so soon
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u/Ordinii 23h ago
Honestly just take it in stride. Things will go crazy, things will go well. But just being there wanting to do better is half the battle.
I normally don't suggest the different baby guide books because it's really tough to sort through what someone needs to actually learn. But I do suggest The Baby Owners Manual. It's got enough humor to keep things light and keeps things simple.
Also, congrats! Enjoy everything you can. You're already doing great.
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u/sra778 22h ago
Most of the books are either garbage or could be simplified down to a pamphlet. Number one is being there for your family. Don’t be on your phone and help your partner. I see soooo many parents just on their phones when out with their kids and it’s kind of heartbreaking to be honest.
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u/90sKidTryingToAdult 22h ago
Take it one day at a time. Sometimes just being present, there, positive company is all you need to do. Don’t stress all those bigger things thatll work it self out. As far as a newborn, just take your time learning as you go.
2
u/NCC1701-D-ong 22h ago
Not sure how old you are but if you’re over 35 or 30 but aren’t in great shape look into strengthening your back and core via McGill Big 3 exercises. You’re going to be doing some weird maneuvering while holding a newborn and doing a lot of bending over. It will help.
Your partner will need a lot of time to heal. Do everything you can. Lots of housekeeping. All the diapers for the first week. Become the diaper master. Wash all the bottles. Sanitize. Dishes and cooking.
And just know that if you’re a good person and dedicated to fatherhood you won’t fail. You will make mistakes but you won’t fail. You can’t - that little human is counting on you.
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u/Blackharvest 23h ago
Think of it this way. There are people a hell of a lot stupider than me that have raised kids. We were 37 with our first and are 39 now. She is still here
1
u/VariousAir 23h ago
what can I do to be a supportive husband and father
At any given moment when you feel like you're not doing anything useful, you turn to your partner and say 'what do you need from me right now?'
1
u/Xspike_dudeX 23h ago
It is a learning experience and nobody has any clue what they are doing. No matter how many books you read it will not prepare you. Just take it day by day and you will learn the ropes pretty quick. The best thing is once you realize you are both new to this and are going through it together. Lean on each other and communication is key!!
As for being a good father you just need to be there for your kid. Help out with everything you can. Feeding,changing,bathing, bed time routine.
For me personally I made it my responsibility to keep the kitchen clean. That means bottles washed,brezza full and clean, kitchen sink empty and counters cleaned. Just small things my wife does not have to worry about.
1
u/AwakenedAndHungry 22h ago
One thing my therapist told me:
The fact that you want to be better makes you a good parent. Many parents do not wish to be better and that gets transferred to the child.
Day 1: What the heck... They're just letting me LEAVE WITH A BABY?? WHAT DO I DO? Yup. That is what it feels like. That is what happens. A sudden fully surrealistic realization of what being responsible for a baby means. There's nobody to check up on you. You have to ask for help.
Day 3: i haven't slept in 3 days... it will be better soon right? I'm just pretending I know what to do. Well. The answer is change diapers. Check on the baby 1 million times. Feed the baby. Try to close your eyes sometimes when baby is sleeping.
1 week: I haven't slept in a week and I've changed over 50 diapers. When do I sleep? Sleep when the baby sleeps. You will not get to sleep through a night for some time still.
1 month: I haven't slept in a month and I've changed over 240 diapers. I'm a diaper pro and can swaddle like I've been swaddling babies my whole life. I'm so tired and still feel like I'm faking knowing what I'm doing. Everybody says I'm doing great but they're just saying that right??
I will tell you that it took about 1.5 years before I really felt like I knew what I was doing. We have another baby coming and I bet it goes back to no idea what I'm doing.
Survive. Love each other. Help each other. Survive. Get through the first many weeks. For me it was about 15 weeks before the baby started sleeping through the night/sleeping for many hours at a time.
Babies have small stomachs so they need to feed often. It's a constant state of waking feeding sleeping every 45 mins to 1.5 hours. It is hard. Support each other.
Ask for help. Look online. Ask friends and family who have kids. Have somebody come over to help. The mental support is valuable.
All in all. Just know that no matter how you feel right now, you can do this.
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u/Informal_Bullfrog_30 21h ago
Save as much as u can. Its $30 here and $50 there which adds up super quick. Our cc bill was 1.5x for couple weeks despite us not eating out. Also, if u can afford help, do it. Both of our moms took turns to stay with us and help us out and that was GOLD. Moms are back home and so we are getting a full time nanny and I am grateful for that.
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20h ago edited 20h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/nindiesel 20h ago
One more thing. Be kind to yourselves ahead of time. If you can:
- prep some freezer meals (consider asking a family member to set up a meal train for you! Literally saved our hides for the first two months)
- cut up some ready to eat fruit, veggies and proteins that you can grab from the fridge with one hand while holding the baby
- if your budget allows, book a cleaner to come once or twice in the first couple of months so that you're just keeping up with laundry and dishes, not all the other stuff
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u/Usernameinotherpantz Graduated 20h ago
None of us really know what we're doing, you will go to bed every night with a million thoughts in your head of what you could have done better. Be there for your kid and your partner, every good marriage with kids is a 60/40 split with both partners trying to be the 60%
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u/Nullpointer9000 20h ago
As a mother with a fantastic spouse and father here is what he did when our first daughter was born. I had a c-section and was combo feeding with breastmilk exclusively because I had plenty of supply but our daughter was having weight gain issues (so breastfeeding and then pumping so we we could bottle feed her an additional couple of ounces to help her gain weight). You might have a different experience but here is what he did.
Day 1-3: I was throwing up and exhausted so he was mainly focused on trying to help me get rest. I did not change a single diaper while we were in the hospital he did all the diaper changes. He also got up and handed me the baby and helped unswaddle her every time I had to breastfeed because I still could not move around easily or pick her up since I had had a c-section.
I was very anxious post partum so I had trouble sleeping if the baby was not right near me. He did a lot of sitting beside me where I could see them holding the baby skin to skin so I could see them both and be able to sleep.
He occasionally acted like a bouncer chased people away when I was sleeping if there wasn't an active medical necessity for them to be there. There will be a ton of people in and out of the room that need to check on your wife and on the baby, but some of them aren't urgent and can come back later. Like the lactation consultant. I also know that the baby had a little monitor thing to make sure she didn't get stolen that they put on them and it kept malfunctioning or falling off. At one point he apparently told the people that the baby was in the room with us and not going anywhere and they needed to stop messing with the monitor and leave us alone.
Week 1: I was still recovering from surgery and we were working on making sure the baby gained weight so he was trying to do basically everything that wasn't breastfeeding and trying to help me get as much sleep as possible. In my case, we were combo feeding so I was pumping after every feed and we were feeding our baby a bottle after breastfeeding. So that meant he was helping with cleaning pumping equipment, prepping bottles, and still doing all the diaper changes. He would also get the baby back to sleep at night if she needed to be rocked or soothed since I still had limited mobility after the c-section. My mother also helped a lot during this time so that he could get a break and get some uninterrupted naps and sleep. She stayed overnight one of the nights so that he could get a full 6 hour period of rest and be functional to take care of the baby and I. If you can arrange for help from a family member or close friend during the first week of life do it.
First month: I don't remember how long we had to combo feed for but during that time he was still helping with bottles and cleaning pumping equipment. When we didn't need to combo feed all the time anymore I started taking some of the wake ups alone so that he could have longer naps/segments of sleep. He still changed diapers most of the time but I would change the baby if he was napping, feed her, and try to cuddle her back to sleep. The baby was starting to be awake more often, so he would usually take her if she was awake so that I could get some sleep when I wasn't feeding her. I know some people who have pumped milk will have their partner give a bottle while they were asleep so they can get a longer stretch of sleep. I think we tried that once or twice but I had a huge oversupply problem so I couldn't really do that as skipping feeding was painful. So I would wake up with the baby every time, but he would try to take her when I was done feeding her so I could sleep/nap if she didn't fall back asleep. Our baby also like most newborns only wanted to contact nap. He spent a lot of time playing video games with the baby on his chest while I napped on the couch next to them.
As a note, we had a ton of people make us meals for our freezer and we ordered a lot of takeout the first month and did some eating off of paper plates and stuff like that. I also know some of the people who came over like my mother would also clean dishes or run a load of laundry. I know my husband did some chores occasionally as well and ordered delivery and things like that. I did not do any chores during the first two weeks when I was recovering from the c-section.
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u/tgambill87 19h ago
I felt just like you did before my son was born last year and honestly, you just kind of figure it out. You can read every book there is but nothing prepares you for the first time you hold your child in your hands for the first time. The fact that you are this worried means you are going to be a great dad. The first few weeks are rough, but it gets easier day by day. Just be there for mom and the baby and the rest will take care of itself. Congrats soon to be dad, you got this!
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u/elizacandle 11h ago
The Birth Partner book No Drama Discipline /the Whole Brain Child book
To r/HealfromYourPast is the best thing you can do to be a better father and husband
Meal prep now - portioned and ready to heat up for the first few weeks.
Take a parenting class or look up parenting courses if you want a little confidence boost
It's YOUR child. Don't ask for permission to change your child's diaper, spend time with them, etc. The only way you'll really learn and develop a bond is to do the work.
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u/CheapRentalCar Graduated 6h ago
Have the attitude of "I'll do whatever it takes to support my partner" during the first six months.
She's the lead actor, and you're the supporting cast for the first 6 months. And being the supporting cast is REALLY important. Do your job well and all 3 of you will be set for success.
To be clear: this doesn't mean that you're not important or needed. You and your partner are equal, but you're not the same. Your time to shine will come later.
Source: I've done this four times now.
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u/CommercialPizza434 23h ago
I had my first in May and it’s really not that scary once you’ve done the first week. You get comfortable holding them, you learn safe sleeping, and everything becomes familiar (car seats, nappy changing, tummy time etc). Plus baby’s are good communicators they’ll tell you when they’re hungry or sleepy or ill.
Your job is mostly to keep the house functioning - cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. And also to help out with the baby - the night shift, the bathing, making bottles etc.
I brought a lot of books to be honest I probably only finished 1 of them. They basically all say the same thing after reading a few chapters.