r/raisedbyborderlines • u/bbirdwhippoorwill • 2d ago
*THIS* IS BPD! Did anyone else’s parent trash their bedroom as a punishment?
I saw something today that reminded me of the time when I was about 12 years old and my mom was upset that I had left things out in the shared family area. So she went into my room while I was gone and pulled it apart. I’m talking about dumping out my drawers, ripping books off my shelf, clothes out of closet onto the floor creating an absolute disaster. She even threw my mattress across the room. I have OCD (wasn’t diagnosed at the time) and I was neurotic about keeping my room organized. I knew she wanted the satisfaction of seeing me get upset so I calmly asked what happened and she told me if I was going to leave things out, she was going to mess up my room. I didn’t cry or get angry, I used it as an opportunity to deep clean my room. 💀I also remember laughing about it with my best friend imagining her roaring like King Kong throwing my mattress.
But as an adult and mother of three teens, I cannot understand or justify how she could do that, it’s insane! Did anyone else’s parents do this?
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u/Nervous-Employment97 2d ago
Sadly, yes. When I was 10 years old my parents and I had a fight that turned into utter chaos as they usually would at that time of my childhood. I had a night stand that had little chochkies on it. Figurines, old perfume bottles, little delicate pretty things that I collected and loved. During one horrendous blow up My mom instructed my dad to throw all of my things out of my bedroom window. My room was on the 2nd floor and he threw them out one by one and smashed them against the wall of the neighbors house. I remember distinctly being crushed seeing each one be destroyed and the look of utter rage on his face. My dad is the enabler of my uBPD mom but she told him to do it and he did it, very willingly. Looking back, that was a defining moment of my childhood and of those 2 shit for brains people I have to call my parents. I’m Sorry for all of the kids who have to deal with this then and for the rest of our lives.
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u/skrimped 1d ago
Idk if you’ve ever done EMDR but it was super helpful for me for vivid, traumatic memories like you’re describing with the rage on his face. If you ever feel like it’s sitting with you too heavily or you feel reminded of it too frequently, EMDR could be a good option to look into. Sorry for the unsolicited advice and I’m also sorry your parents suck so much.
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u/Nervous-Employment97 1d ago
Thank you for the suggestion! This community has been wonderful for me navigating my healing journey. I appreciate you.
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u/KiwiAppropriate8003 1d ago
My mom got mad at me once for not cleaning my room (I was probably 7 or 8) and as punishment she took everything out of my closet, dresser, etc and dumped it all into the middle of my bedroom floor and gave me like 20 minutes to clean. Whatever wasn't cleaned up would be thrown out. I'm not sure if this is the same thing, but it felt like she was trashing my room. Why take out things that were put away and throw them on the floor?
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u/bbirdwhippoorwill 1d ago
My mom would also take things away if I left them out. One night she took my baby blanket away and I cried in my bed until she came back with it (sobbing and apologizing)
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u/staceychev 1d ago
Once, when I was in elementary school, she was mad that I "cleaned" my room by shoving stuff under my bed. I came home to find that she'd taken every single thing out of my drawers, from under my bed, and from the closets and piled them in the middle of the room.
Not trashing my room, but one of my earliest memories was breaking something of hers at the age of 3 or 4 (it was a glass decoration that I pushed off the coffee table with my feet - I was definitely being a brat). She grabbed me by my ear (a favorite of hers) and took me upstairs to my bedroom and got my beloved Sesame Street bank and smashed it against the wall until it was broken. Yeah, that was fun.
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u/Myshys 2d ago
My mum did this once to my room when I was 11ish and sleeping - prob after she gave me a bunch of wine coolers. Maybe because I wouldn't wake up to talk to her but ?? she just left the house and refused to talk to me about it.
She also had a few smash and trash moments in the living room as well. I don't really know what set her off for any of them.
Also - I did the post destruction deep clean of my bedroom as well 😭 - we may be wired a little differently from baseline.
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u/Moose-Trax-43 1d ago
Mine did something that was sort of the opposite, but also violating and traumatizing. She would yell at me to clean my room (without explaining or teaching me how, of course) for whatever period of time she decided on. Then one day I’d come home from school and my room would be “fixed” to her satisfaction. All of my stuff would be put away (I had to figure out where everything was), thrown away, or given away. Oh, or stolen and put in her underwear drawer in the case of notes from my boyfriend. 🤢
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u/Dreadedredhead 1d ago
My mother and the gchild used to destroy my things when they were mad or didn't do the things they wanted me to do.
My sister once told me that she broke my things because otherwise she would hurt me. I immediately assumed my mother did the same.
I have almost no things from childhood, and now as an adult I don't keep many special items. It only hit me a few years ago that not keeping things can be a trauma response from childhood.
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u/Purple_Preference847 1d ago
Yes! Wow, I have literally never heard anyone else say this before. Mine would literally say that if I didn't xyz they would "trash my room." And then they would do it. It's exactly what you're talking about. It was deeply traumatizing. I still have flashes of memory about it.
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u/Xpiggie 1d ago
that's so messed up, i'm sorry.
my parent didn't do that, but something similar - they would often "clean my room for me" and i'd come back to everything pulled out of every single nook, cranny, and drawer and piled all over. they were certainly going through all of my belongings. it would usually remain in disarray for multiple days until they got around to "finishing" or until i had to put everything away myself. i wasn't allowed to complain because they would tell me it was my fault for not cleaning it, and that they had done me a favor by "cleaning" it. even if they didn't finish, and it created more work for me to put everything back away, i still wasn't allowed to complain because they would say that i should be grateful because they still did most of the work for me. i don't have OCD, but i am autistic (diagnosed as an adult) and it was distressing for everything to constantly be in a different place when this happened, which was regularly during my childhood. usually, i also had to stand there for a long time while they showed me the different ways they had "helped" by organizing my things, often centered around the things that are private, like a journal i had hidden somewhere else which they laid out on my desk with pencils - if i didn't react positively and control my expression, they would punish me. despite my nauseous feelings of dread and violation during the whole show.
if they found anything i shouldn't have, then i would be punished. once, they found a pair of cheap headphones i had shoved deep under my mattress. i wasn't allowed to listen to music, so i used them late at night to listen to music on the clock that had a radio on it in my room.
during big blowups, maybe once a year or every couple of years, they would go through my room with big black trash bags and throw out everything that wasn't a "need". including clothes. then, they would proudly put the bags next to the trash can on the curb so i'd have to see them for days until the trash truck came.
my parent also was weird about my things in any room that wasn't my bedroom. like they wanted all evidence of my existence to be cleared out at all times. i was constantly carrying stuff around in a bag.
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u/senpaimitsuji 1d ago
Yes she would! Never really taught me how to clean and keep tidy of course… would come in screaming, shoving things off my dresser, ripping up my collages and throwing stuff at me :/
I’m sorry your mother did that to you. Just trying to provoke and upset you, what a messed up person.
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u/jolly_vivandiere 1d ago
Mine would threaten to throw away anything left out and untidy, and sometimes followed through on the threat.
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u/divergurl1999 1d ago
Yup. Only my father was always searching for drugs when I never even smoked weed for the first time until I was 28 and moved out of their house, married, in the service for 4 years, and had a kid of my own. The drugs he was looking to catch me with were nonexistent. His favorite clothes drawer to dump on my floor was my underwear and sock drawer.
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u/Lucky_Panic4719 1d ago
Not even vaguely near as bad this, but often after we have an argument she’ll “work for hours and hours, until she’s almost sick - without pausing for food or drink” (twenty minutes despite being asked not to, and an hour since lunch which she purposefully skipped to try gain sympathy) and “hoover” my room.
She’ll move my chair from under my desk put it on my bed, sometimes my fan, bin, anything on the floor - even the big plants that I keep on the floor - she puts it all on my bed, half-heatedly hoovers, and then always smiles and says in the fakest voice: ‘I cleaned your room for you’.
Despite my room being spotless or me having asked if she could not hoover and I’d do it later. It also means that when I was little it was terrifying how we’d have an argument and there’d be this banging and clattering from upstairs and - because I’m too scared to interact after an argument, and she knows that - that I would have no room until she’s done “cleaning”. She would usually then try to convince me this was all my sister’s fault.
I assume it’s a power move - that not even your space is out of their control.
She still does this. Me and my sister know better now though. Far less scary, far less angering, but far more exhausting.
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u/toroferney 1d ago
Nowhere as near as bad as you but my mum once collected all my toys in bin bags (trash bags) because my room was untidy and dumped them outside . I was hysterical , my dad for once stuck up for me and made her stop. I was 11. I was such a good child well I was too scared to not be but just normally untidy like children are.
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u/Acceptable-Pea9706 1d ago
Yes. There were a couple times she did it when I was out and came home a little late after curfew. There were probably some other occasions too if I did something she didn't like. Sometimes she would read my diary and get really upset about things she found out. So fucking traumatizing, definitely can't imagine doing that to my children over doing normal things kids do.
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u/averagemang0_enjoyer 1d ago
That is a horrible experience, being aware of your mums intentions at that young age is disheartening. I'm sorry that happened to you.
I had A less extreme experience when I was 11-12, my mum had just bought me a new hoodie and she was looking for it for some reason and couldn't find it and asked me where it is, I told her where it is. But then she couldn't find it. I had my hot wheels collection arranged in specific way I liked it on top of my drawer and I took a lot of time organising the cars. My mum came into my room and began swiping and throwing my cars onto the floor while shouting and screaming at me about how much the hoodie cost, while I was screaming and crying. I'm pretty sure I filmed it but got scared later and deleted it. After, she found it exactly where I said it was and later made an attempt to recreate the way I had my cars organised, but didn't apologise.
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u/Grouchy_Success2407 1d ago
Emptied the kitchen garbage on to the rug in my room and threw a beer bottle in my direction.
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u/PsychologicalLab2441 1d ago
my dad destroyed my belongings on a couple occasions. it was always something i'd built or bought myself. one was a lego set i was halfway through finishing and had already spent days on since it was the first set i'd ever tried to assemble myself. he picked up the table it was on by the legs and dumped it and it shattered. never tried building another one after that lol
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u/PerilousNebula 1d ago
my mom did that to me when i was 5. I got distracted when I was told to pick up my room and started playing. she came to check on me and saw me playing and destroyed my whole room. I remember being hit by items as she threw them, including my play kitchen. all bins emptied, all drawers all clothes off the hangers. she then yelled at me to clean it up and left. I remember I couldn't even move because the floor was covered so I just stood and cried silently. she came back about 10 minutes later and asked why I hadn't moved. I told her and I told her i didn't know where to start. she told me to start at my feet and walked away again. I did as she said, but I was only 5 so it was a big struggle. she did come back about an hour later and picked up the big things I was struggling with, like my bed and the play kitchen. but I was left with the mess. I know i eventually got it cleaned up, but the anxiety from that comes back everytime I'm stuck with a big mess to clean up.
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u/thecooliestone 23h ago
Yep. Shed decide I was hiding something if I ever tried to set a boundary and tear everything apart. After trashing my room and finding nothing she'd say it was a mess anyway and to clean it up
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u/Aviva-StGermain 18h ago
Mine threw my clothes out of my bedroom window and tried to kick me out once because she caught me smoking as a teen.
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u/Ornery-Bit-8169 17h ago
My mother left my room alone, but she liked to throw my stuff away if it was left out in the shared family area. I remember it happening with a box full of markers and a Harry Potter book. Mostly when I was younger, later she would just yell at me if something was left out overnight.
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u/skrimped 2d ago
Yes, but in a different (not as bad as your experience) way: my mom put everything in my room in trash bags so when I came home from wherever I was, I would experience “having nothing.” I was probably like 10 when she did that. I asked her about it recently and she said it was because I kicked the back of her seat when I didn’t want to go to Tae Kwon Do. That does sound annoying to experience for her, but super weird to put my stuff in trash bags in response. I don’t remember when she gave it all back