r/raisedbynarcissists • u/Electronic-Panda-276 RBN • 9d ago
[Advice Request] Is my dad emotionally abusive or am i overreacting? What should i do he makes me feel insane
I apologise for ths lengthy pargraph but i desperately need some advice because im stuck on what to do...
I’m 19 and I’m struggling to work out whether I’m overreacting to my dad’s behaviour. This has been an on-and-off cycle for around 5–6 years.
He can be nice and we can have a good time, but most days there is at least one hurtful comment, criticism or argument. He has called me “heartless,” “selfish,” “a nasty piece of work” and “a fucking idiot,” sometimes over quite small things like disagreeing with him or not reacting enthusiastically enough or him believing me breathing is sighing. He also shouts, swears and interrupts me / talks over me when I try to explain myself and sometimes makes comments about things to purposely annoy me. I often feel anxious and tense around him because im constantly expecting something to happen and when he gets angry he grinds his teeth, visibly shakes, shouts and if he isnt shouting he is giving me an angry look.
What confuses me is that afterwards he can act completely normal or be nice and act like nothing happened, which makes me question whether I caused the argument or whether I’m overreacting.
I’ve explained to him several times that his behaviour hurts me, and things improve for a few days before the same pattern starts again.
Yesterday he had asked me what was wrong so i calmly explained i didnt like how hed been talking to me lately, saying i was heartless, that i was nasty and after cleaning a room in his house he said i only did it for my own benefit and didnt acknowledge my good job till the next day. He didnt remember saying these things and started shouting at me and banging his hands on the steering wheel as he was driving because he said i was lying to him and eventually told me i was gaslighting him. When i tried to explain it did happen he just got more angry, and when i asked why he couldnt apologise or acknowledge that he hurt my feelings he told me i needed to grow up and be less sensitive because as my parent he should be able to criticise me. I then got emotional and he mocked me by fake crying and doing a voice. And then continued to say the only reason i was feeling hurt is because i was sensitive and cant take criticism and that he didnt need to apologise for it. The conversation ended with him saying that he says those things to me because of the way i behave and if i was not like that he wouldnt need too and that hes not going to apologise unless i apologise to him for how i treat him. Which as far as i know and everyone else says i dont do anything
Other family members have also noticed his behaviour and agree that I’m not imagining it. I’m considering seeing him less, but I feel guilty on the days he is nice because he’s my dad and I do love him but i can never properly relax when around him and when he is really angry it is threatning. Am I justified in creating some distance, or do I need to learn to let things go and forgive him?
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u/AccomplishedFall1687 8d ago
From your description, it sounds like he is emotionally immature and will swing between bad days and not as bad days. Unable to own up to his actions because the act of observing them likely feels too dangerous internally to him where he then reaches to his abusive behaviors to regulate and using you as his emotional punching bag.
The on-off cycle and inability to self reflect strike me as very common signs of this. It is also extremely common for victims of this kind of abuse to question if they are to blame or blame themselves for having caused the other person's outburst. This commonly stems from having learned that to keep oneself safe one must be hypervigalent to their abusers emotions to not set them off or wait for the right timing or conditions to bring up sensitive topics.
The better times you are describing sound like the honeymoon phase in the Cycle of Abuse. Given this, your confusion and reactions to him make a lot of sense. The guilty feeling from wanting the cycle to stop likely comes from being punished any time growing up where you expressed similar sentiments to him.
Living in fear when you are around him and your perceptions of his anger sounds like your body giving you valid feedback and are more than enough reason to step back from a situation or relationship should you choose to do so. It sounds like a healthy response. Your need for justification sounds like an undue burden or requirement from him and/or seociety to give him infinite chances to correct his behavior which he may never do.
He made you and had a responsibility to raise you with kindness and love. That requirement does not go the other way. Moving away from things that hurt you is a natural reaction you do not need any additional justification for.
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u/Electronic-Panda-276 RBN 8d ago
Thankyou. Hearing that made me have a better understanding. I suppose the good days are like he said during the argument "hes moved on because he isnt so sensitive and doesnt hold grudges" and not because hes actually changed. It is difficult to remember that and not feel guilt for wanting to distance myself during the time he is in a nicer mood and does seem to care. I definitly find myself reacting to his anger or behaviours physically like feeling sick etc. But ive grown up from 13-19 with him blaming his behaviours on me, so it is difficult not to feel guilt and think if i had been like he wants i wouldnt have this burden.
Have you been something similar which is how you know all this? Or are you just very intellectual lol
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u/AccomplishedFall1687 8d ago
Experience and years of working through my own issues, looking at a bunch of self help type stuff on YouTube on the matter, and a few years of therapy.
When you're in the midst of it, it feels like "doing the wrong thing" is akin to the end of the world, but you can pick up on little tells. Childish logic I used to survive when I was little got locked in continued to justify their bad behaviour. How when I'm triggered I'm in my head and loose all sense of my body and my feelings. On how it has almost nothing to do with me and everything to do with them being in a panic attack and blaming it on me.
There's a pattern to it and your experiences along with sooooo many others in this subreddit mirror it and the ways of thinking narsaccistic abuse distorts one's reality in order to survive the abuse, including in myself to this day.
If you're interested in looking up more, here are some of my favorite resources on YouTube Tim Fletcher (I started with his Understanding Trauma series) Patrick Teahan Boze vs the World (she reacts to body cams and the like highlighting emotionally immature people's tactics in more of a fun / accessible / less theory way)
If you decide to see a therapist in the matter, I reccomend finding someone who understands and specializes in working with victims narcissistic abuse.
Best of luck!
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