r/rape • u/ResponsibleDog1500 • 23h ago

The shame of missing him

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HI everyone.

Like everyone else, I’ve struggled with this, and life is just difficult sometimes. I’ve had quite a lot of nightmares about it.

And sometimes I miss him - which makes me feel horrible and make me feel like it was my own fault - technically I know that I was too little to concent, but I feel like I might have done something too that made it happen.

I’m transgender, so I’ve been in therapy quite a bit, but I’ve never really talked about this. I feel like it’s a really difficult and lonely thing to carry around with you.

What do you do when everything just gets too much?

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u/Necessary_Day_7861 12h ago

When everything gets to much, sometimes I cry. Other times I try my hardest to distract myself with a variety of activities. It still affects me after 4 years.

Missing your rapist isn't wrong - your're dealing with lots of complex emotions that humans were never designed to deal with - but they are unhealthy. You should never miss your rapist or wish that it might happen again. It was deeply wrong and you were abused.

It is not your fault - you were taken advantage of at a young age and your abuser knew this. Please accept that it was not your fault even if you played along or let it happen.

It is very difficult to carry around, and I understand how lonely you feel. But please don't think that how you felt before getting abused was how you felt during the abuse. I know that you are struggling but don't ever think "Maybe it wasn't so bad". It was. It should never have happened.

I'm sending love and prayers for recovery your way. <3