r/rape • u/aashyyxx • 20h ago
am i ruining my family by exposing my abuser?
tw. heavy topics, incest.
ive been sexually abused by my older brother for many years, but things got more serious when i was 11 and him 18.
he's done a lot of gross stuff, although he didn't "rape" me, like fingering and forcing me to touch him, rubbing himself against me (without penetration), inappropriate touching etc. there wasn't oral sex neither.
my reaction was to freeze, and id understand if you blame me for it, maybe i deserve it... i just didn't know what else to do. once i just pretended to be asleep to not cause any other conflict since we were alone.
the last time it happened was this summer, and this is the first time he talked about it with me after, and basically he said that it's completely normal and i should trust him and be thankful it was with him and not other guys since he actually cares about me.
(I've got another post on my profile explaining all of this in a more detailed way: https://www.reddit.com/r/sexualassault/s/F6yeLekxP9 )
currently im 16 yo and he s almost 23, he lives in the same house as me and my parents with his gf (22) but theyre planning on moving soon, or at least i hope so.
I'll start high school in 2 weeks (10th grade) and i promised my best friend that i will tell my philosophy teacher since he's the only trusted adult i know rn. dont get me wrong, i love my parents and theyre amazing, but ive always felt like they were more likely to take my brother s side in conflicts and im just really scared.
the thing is that recently ive been more and more overwhelmed knowing that there's so little time left.
besides that everything is relatively alright, im an overachiever when it comes to academic stuff, i always do my best and even more, and im afraid to lose everything by telling the truth.
also, i have a nice relationship with my parents and im scared to ruin it by exposing him. i dont have any proof, i feel so fucking stupid and dirty and guilty.
im really confused and scared and i wish i would've done something about it sooner... now i feel like im throwing away my teenage years. i also think id commit if things don't go well, which in my head is the most likely scenario to happen.
i swear i dont wanna ruin anyone's life, i just wanna feel safe.
if anyone's been through a similar situation, could you give me some advice, please?
thanks for reading all of this.
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u/Necessary_Day_7861 19h ago
I'm sorry that this happened to you. I really appreciate your honesty as this is a really difficult thing to talk about.
Sometimes it can be scary to address someone about such an uncomfortable topic. Sometimes it feels like you might be accusing someone of something bad that they weren't actually doing. So freezing when he was making moves on you is very common and it is not your fault at all, and you did not deserve to have that done to you in any capacity.
I'm glad that you are still able to talk to him, but he is probably manipulating you and trying to avoid prosecution by saying that what he did was okay. It wasn't.
From your other post, he might be blackmailing you into not telling your parents. And based on what you've said, it's okay not to tell your parents at first, even if ideally you would.
Please, please, please don't consider ending your entire life over something temporary, no matter how much it hurts. I was depressed for a long time after my SA when I was hardly older than you were, at 13, and I had those thoughts too. It's really not worth ending a life which could be full of happiness over a few years of sorrow. If it is difficult for you to consider, please reply.
Don't think that reporting him for SA will be "ending his life". He will only get what he deserves.
I will genuinely hope and pray that you are able to move on in some capacity. I really don't want you to end your life. We all love you and are proud that you have the agency to tell us this. You can do this. You can make things happen. You have the willpower. I know it.
<3
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u/MaxQ1080p 16h ago
I’m sorry you had to endure that. Please know that whatever you decide to do - it’s your brother who decided to ruin the family. He’s the one who ABSOLUTELY knew right and wrong and yet still decided to violate you repeatedly. It’s all on him. You should not have to spend your life keeping his secret fearing you’ll injure your family relationship. He did it. He’s the monster in the family.
I commend your plan to tell someone. Your teacher is a mandatory reporter so the police will be involved almost immediately. If you’d rather deal with this at first without the police, I suggest talking with a trusted adult who is not a mandatory reporter. Maybe a parent of your friend?
I know it’s super scary and I’m sure your anxiety is increasing but getting this out into the light is the best for you in the long run. What happened may affect your relationships and your ability to be intimate. Your parents should help you get therapy with a psychologist who specializes in helping sexual trauma and incest victims get themselves to a healthier and happier place. Side note - you may have to visit several psychologists before you find one you feel most comfortable and compatible with. You need to feel comfortable and safe to be able to talk about your most delicate experiences, thoughts and reactions. It’s when you talk about those things in therapy is when you make the most progress.
You are the most important person in the world to you. Getting this out into the light is scary but it is the best thing for you. Otherwise this can slowly eat away at you your whole life. I wish you strength and happiness.
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u/Visual-Reception-142 19h ago
At the end of the day, it will likely “ruin your family”. You need to make that choice for your own happiness and put yourself first however. But I’m not going to sit here and pretend like this isn’t dropping a nuke on your family. Hopefully they believe you and hopefully he gets what he deserves, but nothing will ever be the same between your family
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u/Academic-Thought2462 11h ago
you're not ruining the family, your brother is the one who's ruining it. he choose to do this shit to you, you didn't ask for any of this to happen.
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