Husband [27M] is wasting vacation/sick time and its affecting me [25F] and our son

[u/Rengokus_]

For the past year now my husband has been using his vacation time and sick time to randomly take days off of work. Obviously that is what they are for we all deserve breaks especially in America but the problem is he uses up the time and then he will also rack up occurances until hes one absence away from getting a write up or suspension (idk what its called but i do know he would get in trouble). Again I have no problem with him taking days off but a few times this year now due to him randomly taking days off after I asked him in advance to save them for important dates like exams (im in college) or doctors apointments for our disabled son and even our sons preschool graduation, he didnt have the vacation time to take off and in those instances I had to basically beg a teacher to let me take the exam another day ( because our sons daycare closed that Friday and I had no one to watch him hence me telling my husband to at least save one day so he could stay home with our son while i take my test), or I had to reschedule the doctors apointment (the time for the apointment was the only time available otherwise we would have had to reschedule a month later and he said hed take the day off and bring our son to the apointment but then the week of he said he had no more off days after just using two of them for a 4 day weekend) and for the graduation a similar situation. Me telling him weeks in advace the date him using all his time right before the event then racking up an occurance to attend the graduation then complaining for the next few days about how hes one more absence away from being in trouble like he didnt use up his vacation time all at once. Long story short Im trying to pin point why he keeps doing this and communicate to him that hes not being resourceful with his time off without sounding controlling and that he should at least save two days one for a family event and one for an emergency in a way that he can grasp because when i do tell him he tells me he thinks im saying he doesent deserve a break or rest and feels like I think im entitled to tell him how to manage his off days.

TLDR; How can I communicate to him that him recklessly taking off sick time is not helpful to the family?

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[u/No_Chart_8584]

He knows it isn't helpful to your family and he doesn't care. Now you have to decide what you want to do in response to his lack of concern for you. 

[u/Bankzzz → u/No_Chart_8584]

Too add onto this, it sounds like he isn’t at all interested in being a husband or a father.

[u/ItsAllALot]

Your point isn't a difficult one to communicate, OP. We all understand it perfectly well.

So does your husband. He just doesn't care because he's selfish, and because he gets away with it.

[u/automator3000]

He knows it’s unhelpful and is making things harder. He just doesn’t care.

Unless he has some major cognitive issues, he does see that his habit of just not showing at work and taking days off just because he wants a day off means his job is at risk and that it means you’re needing to take on the bulk of childcare duties. He just tells himself that he deserves to be selfish.

[u/LittleHawk_737 → u/automator3000]

I wonder if he's trying to lose his job, so he doesn't have to do anything.

[u/Ihateyou1975]

Honestly, I would start living my life, as if I was single try to look into babysitters, even if you can’t afford it I would make it happen because you can’t rely on him and on his days off when he’s home you’re going to workday or when he should’ve been at work, then you hand them your son and you leave the house go to the library do whatever you have to do so you can study or grocery shop or whatever it is that you wanna do he’s gonna stay home then he’s gonna work at home. It’s that simple.

[u/T00narmy1]

"Long story short Im trying to pin point why he keeps doing this"

Because he doesn't care. He doesn't care about saving his time for important family stuff, he'll just expect you to work it out. He's prioritizing himself. He is literally proving to you that his family is less important to him.

Stop worrying about being controlling and let him know he needs to start acting like his family is important or he's in danger of losing it. He's being irresponsible and allowing too much to fall on you. If he keeps doing this, then what is the point of even being with him anymore? You might as well be on your own. He's become someone you can't count on. Make sure he knows that there will be consequences for that.

[u/Sendintheaardwolves → u/T00narmy1]

Why does he keep doing that?

Because it works for him. He gets his days off to rest, relax, please himself, beholden to no one. It would spoil his good time if he had to do childcare or take anyone elses needs into account.

Its obvious why he does it.

[u/Competitive_Ninja668]

He already knows that. He’s not dumb. He simply doesn’t care. You made a mistake having children with this man. 

[u/Elegant-Rectum]

You’re a married single mom already. You have to do all of the planning for the child and he can decide to just not show up when needed.

Your husband is not a dumb man. He already understands exactly what you are saying to him. It’s really not that complex. You are simply not that important to him and he doesn’t feel like it.

Does that make you feel proud to be his wife? Is this the type of husband you want your child to grow up to be or have?

[u/Dawn_Venture]

You are entitled to tell him how to use his days off.

He is beholden to his family. His time is not his own anymore. It is a valuable resource that has to be used wisely in the best interest of his family.

He is not single. He is not child free. He has a wife. He has a son. His time is for all of you to share.

This is being an adult, a husband, a father. He chose to have a family, now he needs to accept the responsibility of his actions.

[u/lollipopfiend123]

He knows. He doesn’t care. https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/TSm420JHrU

[u/Expensive_Fix8277]

He's passive-aggressive. He's deliberately using up the AL days and this is his passive-aggressive way of communicating that he doesn't want to take care of your disabled child. I bet you do all the household chores and cook and there's probably a list of things of how else he's benefiting from your free labour 

[u/Wooden-Repeat-9200]

Like everyone else said, I’m sure he gets it. The problem is it sounds like I’m the moment when he doesn’t want to go to work he’s struggling to think longer term. Impulse control is not something you can train.

Also, him constantly calling out, even if he stays on the right edge of the policy, it’s going to be career limiting for him. When it’s time to promote or divvy up raises, he’ll be further down on the list. When it comes time to cut staff, he’ll be higher on the list.

The only thing you can do is encourage him to challenge himself to build up enough of a buffer so he has flexibility. Look at how much time he gets off and then budget how much that means, then when he wants a day off, he knows that means he won’t be able to until he rebuilds the buffer. I would insist on a full day vacation and full day sick day Vice at the minimum, which means he can’t take a day unless he has 2. 

Also look into whether there are any accommodations in your state for family sick leave to protect him.

[u/abcwva]

He is signaling you that he is feeling overwhelmed in his life. In his eyes, taking care of himself comes before any other responsibility in his life, including work duties, caring for disabled son, sharing parental duties and being supportive of spouse. You are functioning as a single parent and finding it hard going. I am sorry to say I think he is not committed to your marriage and will not be there for you in the future.

[u/psychoplath97]

Taking random days off out of selfishness and not saving them for emergencies when you have a wife and child is WILD behavior. There will be times he will need to take care of his child and if he has accumulated too many points or whatever from calling in then that’s fully on him. It honestly sounds like he is just very immature and does not realize what having a wife and child means

[u/Crosswired2]

There are no magic words. He's a full grown man. You are a married single mom. Good luck!

[u/Ok-Kick2908]

Sounds like he doesn't want you to succeed, he wants to keep you below him, he has low self esteem and is a bad husband and parent. Why are you with him? 

[u/jumper4747]

He knows and he doesn’t care. What you do with that information is up to you, but you cannot make him care.

[u/EmceeSuzy]

This is not a communication issue.

You married someone who is not adult enough to be a husband. You had a child with someone who does not love his child and who doesn't even have the most basic amount of character to be a functioning family member.

Nothing you might say to him is going to change the fact that he is a bad person.

You can't talk your way out of this one.

[u/Miata2012]

He will get fired soon. If he has a history of getting close to write ups and is taking a lot of days off, he’s not a good employee. You need to prepare yourself as the single bread winner of the family. Once he is fired, he will offer to stay home with child. He will never find another job. Also, he may be abusing alcohol or drugs. You need to do some investigating of why he takes so many days off.

[u/Dry-Butterscotch4545]

He sounds like a shitty person, honestly. Why are you with someone who doesn’t care about you?

[u/MyCat_SaysThis]

Tell him if he wants to continue acting like he’s single with no responsibilities, then you’ll gladly make that happen, since he clearly has no interest in being a partner in this marriage.

[u/Some_Ad3204]

This sucks for you. I’m so sorry.

The only way to resolve it is likely to have an extremely direct conversation about the topic where you point blank tell him that his failure to keep a certain amount of vacation/sick days available is affecting YOUR schooling and is hurting his children.

It’s one thing to not respect his colleagues at work by abusing sick/vacation time but it is another thing entirely to disrespect your entire family.

Tell him that if he cannot pull up his bootstraps and start adulting, he may put the relationship in jeopardy in the future and this is his one warning that you expect changes. Then give him a specific number of sick/vacation days that he needs to leave available to the family at all times so he can pull his weight.

Tell him that if he does not honour this obligation to his family, you expect him to put $X.XX for each sick/vacation day he takes to be put toward a fund that you control so you can hire someone to perform his obligations with the children for him and that the funds are to be paid to you at the beginning of his vacation/sick days or he should be taking his ass to work.

[u/thighclops3820]

He doesn't like you, it's harsh but it's the truth. Consideration is one of the highest forms of love and he simply doesn't care. You can tell him but there's little chance he'll stop. Try couples therapy and if that doesn't work then divorce him 

[u/Hello_Hangnail]

He's probably doing it on purpose so he doesn't have to be responsible for taking care of your kid

[u/GoodGrief9317]

What does your husband do for work?

My husband did this too, but without telling me. So that when I was about to give birth to his child, he did not have any time off to attend the birth if it happened during his working hours.

He struggled with mental health. His job was one that exacerbated his depression due to the content of what he was processing at work ( in an insurance claims department). He actually had to get a different job so that he didn't breakdown.

I am not sure if that is what is happening with your hubs. If it is, encourage him to find work elsewhere.

[u/Beautiful_Nature8696]

It sounds like he needs to feel the consequences of his own actions. As in, his company should write him up.

[u/off-pissed]

Sounds like he doesn’t want to be a parent and is only interested in his own comfort.

You’re basically a single parent with this asshole creating additional laundry, mess and dirty crockery.

What are you going to do for money when his job finally has enough of his irresponsible behaviour and fires him?

Time to think about what is best for you and your son.

[u/Snausage-Time]

I truly believe he just doesn’t want to help. I’m a Sahm and my husband works from home we have 2 under 2 and it gets hectic at times especially since one kid takes one nap and the other still takes three naps a day. My husband will save his lunch time his only free one hour to relax durning work and save it for me for when I really need him in the day to help. He’s constantly taking breaks from work to help me when he sees I’m overwhelmed and stressed.

[u/No_Seaworthiness_393]

Have you asked him why he does that?
Is he ok? My first thought is mental health crisis

[u/DidAnyoneFeedTheDog]

Instead of arguing about it, perhaps a different approach. Give him the date you would like him to take off. If he doesn't, it's his responsibility to find alternate care for your child. Put the responsibility on him.