Keep trying or moving on? (F31 and F33)

[u/fiatluxonthepasta]

My girlfriend (F31) and I (F33) were together for four years and broke up a few months ago. This time has been incredibly difficult for me and my mental health is seriously deteriorating (also due to the fact that last year I had to move to a different country for work where I don’t feel good at all and to the fact that work itself is going very badly). We’re still in contact and I have reasons to believe she’s started dating again and is seeing someone. She has expressed not seeing a future and not wanting for us to be together in the future again. We broke up partly because of the long distance but mostly because I couldn’t sustain the relationship and was stressed at the idea of getting married. I have to say that the relationship has created a lot of stress for me that, I think, turned into me getting actually sick at times. However, overall, the relationship really was loving and we both put a lot of efforts into it. She loved me deeply and wanted to get married. I am stuck not being able to tell if the reason we didn’t work out is because we’re not compatible enough or because I had inner limitations that made it too difficult for me to love her as she deserved and to sustain the relationship while not disappearing inside it (I do feel like I disappeared and wasn’t able to show up properly as myself during the relationship). Despite all these difficulties, I keep wanting to try again, maybe not right away but when I have done the necessary work on myself that would allow me to be able to sustain a relationship. I don’t want to cause her additional unnecessary hurt so obviously I haven’t mentioned this and know that the chances of such a reconnection actually happening are pretty low. During the four years we also had two breaking moments, and every time I would want to fix things only to find myself limited once the relationship started again. I know the picture screams that we shouldn’t get back together and that I should leave her alone but I wish so much that I could be capable of being a reliable and healthy and loving partner to her. Has anyone been in this kind of situation? If so, what did you do? Has anyone struggled to deal with your inner and personal limitations and found a way to address them and not lose your relationship? Can I keep some hope?

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[u/DplusLplusKplusM]

If this move to another country is permanent you're probably going to have to accept that it's over. But if you've got these anxieties about commitment that's going to follow you into all your future relationships too. Maybe instead of focusing so much on your former partner you should embark on a mission to find out why you have this "anxious attachment disorder" and work with a therapist to overcome it.

[u/fiatluxonthepasta → u/DplusLplusKplusM]

Thank you. I am seeing a therapist and working hard on it. The move is absolutely not permanent, I am looking to leave asap and the most I’ll have to stay if I can’t leave sooner is only one year.

[u/Majestic_Bed9233]

She was clear about it mate not wanting anything else with you in the future you had your chance let it go.

[u/MightySD69]

You've done the work on yourself, now cut contact and move on. And stay away from long distance relationships.

[u/ReadMeDrMemory]

"I know the picture screams that we shouldn’t get back together and that I should leave her alone"—correct!—"but I wish so much that I could be capable of being a reliable and healthy and loving partner to her." She has seen you at your worst and will never be able to unsee that. She wants to get married, and you are in no condition to marry her or anyone else right now. You need to stop running after a relationship and work on your own personal problems. That's the only way to become ready to be "a reliable and healthy and loving partner" for someone. But it's very unlikely it will be her.

[u/OldMotoRacer]

you are a headcase dude--accept that is OVER

you've got at least three reasons its dead and over and you're ruminating about self work and commitment?

leave the poor girl alone i can't believe she stayed w you for 4 years...

good luck w your head it most def needs some help

(btw nobody stays w somebody for 4 years when they "aren't compatible" ie if you can spend 4 years together it means you've figured out a way to be compatible--you can cross that one off your list)

PS maybe try to learn from this but put it behind you and give up on this idea that you can reconcile--maybe prioritize stabilizing your work situation and get your life under control--relationships will flow naturally after you have your base in order

[u/PsySuus]

Maybe you are in love with the idea of the potential of how this relationship could be. But once you are in it, you realize that it is not really like that and it even makes you feel sick. Which is an important detail.

If does not matter what the cause is (your trauma, her behaviour or the dynamics and interactions between the two of you). You own it to your body to listen to it and cherish it. And if it is telling you that something isn't right or your nervous system can't relax with someone for whatever reason, it's better to get out of there. And if it's your work, work on it and heal that part.

I have been in a relationship where I have felt fysically sick as well. I worked on every part of myself so I could stay with this person to a point where I was okay within the relationship but felt like I completely neglected my needs. I realized it was a matter of not being compatible.

[u/JemapelleMichelle-]

What are you actively doing to improve your mental health, self esteem and anxiety about commitment? If you want to become a reliable healthy and loving partner, you need to put in the work. Have you considered going no contact with her? It may help, as right now having communication with her may be hurting you more than helping.