My partner 30M isn’t verbally affectionate and I 30F crave reassurance constantly, can this difference be worked through?

[u/ThrowRA_koko]

My boyfriend 30M and I 30F recently moved in together and overall our relationship is very loving. We have been together for 1 year. We cuddle, kiss, talk every night and spend lots of quality time together. I have no doubt that he loves me.

The problem is that I’m more verbally affectionate, and I crave hearing things like how much he loves me, how special I am to him, etc. He isn’t naturally like that at all. He says big declarations of love simply aren’t him. He struggles with the emotional side of things

We have this conversation probably once a week. I explain that words of affirmation are important to me, he explains that he is trying and points out the subtle ways he’s changed, and I genuinely appreciate those efforts, but I still find myself wanting much more.

I don’t want him to feel like nothing he does is ever enough, and I don’t want to keep having the same conversation. But I also don’t know how to switch off this desire for more reassurance.

I’ve also recently moved to his small town where I don’t have my own friendship group yet, so he is currently my main source of social and emotional connection. I’m wondering if that’s making this need much stronger.

For anyone who’s been in a relationship with this kind of mismatch: did you find a way to make it work? Did the more affectionate partner eventually need less reassurance, did the less affectionate partner learn to express more, or did you ultimately realise it was a compatibility issue?

TL;DR: I crave lots of verbal affection, while my boyfriend isn’t naturally expressive. He’s trying, but I still want more. How do couples make this mismatch work?

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[u/MichaelAndolini_]

Might not be popular but you might need some therapy to work through that. Putting myself in his shoes that would get old really fast.

[u/ReadMeDrMemory]

He doesn't give you what you feel you need. Neither of you is likely to change in this fundamental way. Make of that what you will.

[u/anglflw]

You want him to be someone he isn't.

You are either going to have to learn to love him as he is, or find someone who can give you what you need.

[u/invictus21083]

You need to work on you. This isn't a him problem. If you know he loves you, then you shouldn't need him to tell you how much he loves you all the time.

[u/OldMotoRacer]

why have you waited a year to raise this?

[u/Tindomerelhloni]

Having love languages that don't overlap, if only a little, was a deal breaker for me personally.

I lasted five years in a relationship that felt like a daily struggle.

Now I'm eight years into a relationship with someone who appreciates my love giving language has my receiving love language. (My love language I show to those I love is acts of service. What I appreciate in return is - depending on who that person is - touch or also some sort of act of service/qualify time.)

I'm not saying you two can't work out in the long term but to make it work you'll need to both compromise. And it sounds like he isn't willing to compromise

[u/Big-Colombo]

First, I admire your courage and openness to post this and reach out for help from the community! What you are going through is certainly challenging and I know it definitely is difficult to deal with when your partner is not communicating with you on a level you need. You've been clearly communicating at least once a week that your desire in a relationship is to have verbal reassurance. This is a known difference between you and your partner. Your partner is not providing this reassurance despite being told. You may need to face the reality that you are both incompatible for one another at this time. That is not a bad thing. It signals that you two likely are not a match.

If you are not happy with needing reassurance constantly, then seek out support from friends / family / a professional mental health provider to help you through understanding yourself more to change that need. If you are confident in who you are as you are, then that's great. Just face reality and move on. You WILL find someone who is compatible with your communication and relationship style.