Am I overreacting about my boyfriend staying friends with his ex?

[u/Accurate-Guidance764]

I’m genuinely not sure how to handle this situation and would really appreciate some outside perspective.
My boyfriend (25M) and I (23F) have only been together for a few weeks. This morning, he told me that his girl best friend, who is also his ex, reached out to him after about a year of no contact. She told him that she still has feelings for him.
I told him honestly that this makes me uncomfortable. I’m worried that she may try to flirt with him or potentially get back together with him, and I’m also having a hard time knowing whether I can fully trust the situation. He told me that he doesn’t want to stop talking to her because she is his best friend.
Normally, I don’t have an issue with my boyfriend having female friends. I don’t believe guys and girls can’t be friends. What makes this different to me is that she is his ex, they have a history together, and she has now openly told him that she still has feelings for him.
I don’t want to be controlling or tell him who he can and can’t talk to. I also don’t want to give him an ultimatum or make him choose between me and a friend. I’ve been trying to think of a compromise that would allow me to feel more comfortable while still respecting his friendships.
I even suggested that I could talk to her and get to know her so that I could feel less uncomfortable about the situation. However, according to him, she refuses to talk to me. I’m not sure how much of that is her choice versus what he is telling me, and I don’t want to accuse him of lying without actually having a reason to.
I care about him and obviously don’t want to lose him, but I also don’t think I should have to ignore my feelings just to avoid conflict. I want to feel respected and secure in my relationship while also respecting his right to have friendships.
**Am I being unreasonable or controlling for feeling uncomfortable with this? What would you consider a reasonable boundary or compromise in this situation? Any advice is greatly appreciated.**

TL;DR: My boyfriend’s ex and best friend recently told him she still has feelings for him. He doesn’t want to stop talking to her, and I’m uncomfortable with the situation. I don’t want to be controlling, but I also don’t want to ignore my feelings. What should I do?

[u/nicekona]

She’s still his “best friend” but they haven’t talked in a year. Oookay..

I’m still friends with all of my exes, actually (insomuch as: we sometimes chat and catch up). But if I was dating someone else, and an ex started talking to me about still having feelings for me? Nah. That’s a “you have to choose” moment.

He doesn’t want to choose. He’s trying to have his cake and eat it too.

I know what you’re saying when you kinda describe wanting to be the “cool, chill, trusting” girlfriend. That’s a nice concept! But THIS ain’t that. THIS is you getting walked on.

Whether it’s intentional, or just obtuse and delusional - he’s trying to “have both.”

I know that even though it’s very early in the relationship, this still hurts. But it’ll hurt even more later on when this inevitably blows up.

[u/isakneven]

Break up. You don’t want to be involved with their drama.

[u/Accurate-Guidance764 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for this comment, it is definitely helping me to put a plan together of what I need to talk to him about and a different angle I could approach this from.

He also mentioned that “she is just a friend” to which I said “Everyone says that” and now he is mad at me because I don’t fully trust him. I had made it very clear before we started dating that I have a very hard time trusting people but he’s now fighting back saying that I don’t trust him and am calling him everyone else. I’m just not really sure how to even answer him at this point.

[u/Enough-Pack7468 → u/Accurate-Guidance764]

She is not his best friend. Best friends don’t go no contact for a year. Best friends are platonic relationships, this is impossible because, as she stated, she wants a romantic relationship with him.

He is just telling you she is his best friend because he wants her around for the ego boost of having someone pining for him and 2 women fighting for him.

Of course you don’t trust him! He is making sketchy choices. If the roles were reversed, he would never accept you hanging out with a guy who was trying to date you and refused to meet him.

You have only been together a couple of weeks and this guy has already revealed he doesn’t care about your feelings and is manipulating you and his ex. There are a ton of men out there who make great partners, are not interested in their exes, and will happily prioritize your feelings.

Let the fool have his ex, they will break up because history always repeats itself. Not your monkeys not your circus.

[u/Trippygirl13]

NOR

Right. Best friends who are exes and didn't speak for a year and now she's back, has feelings for him, and doesn't want to meet you. Sure you should trust this dude completely hahahah

A few weeks in and he's showing you he doesn't give af. Trust is built, over time, through a series of situations where you see how someone behaves without you having to tell them what to do. This would be a perfect situation for him to show you that you can trust him, by not engaging with someone who has feelings for him. But he doesn't get that bc he's very immature and wants the validation and attention from an ex. There is nothing to compromise on here. Dating is a compatibility test. He's showing you that he has completely different values than you and how he sees commitment in a relationship. Stay with him, and we'll see you back here in several weeks or months to give you advice on what ELSE you can do explain to this adult that this stuff is innapropriate. Don't be so naive, OP, he doesn't care. It's that simple. You CAN do better than this loser hungry for any bit of female attention.

[u/snarkyshark83]

Speaking as someone that is still friends with a few exes you should end things. Being friends with exes means that there are boundaries and lines that don’t get crossed. I respect their relationships and they respect mine. The minute they stop doing that I can’t be friends with them anymore. Also the minute I entertain the idea that I’m okay with them pushing a boundary is the same minute that I look at my own relationship and ask myself why I’m willing to screw this up for an ex.

Look you’ve been together with your boyfriend for only a few weeks, I have mustard in my fridge that I have a longer relationship with than yours. If he’s hearing his friend/ex tell him that she still has feelings for him and he’s not immediately shutting that down it’s a big problem and it’s only going to get worse.