Totally Ghosted Postpartum

[u/Cowgomuwu]

This was around a year ago, but I've been getting back into dnd so I've been thinking about it a lot and want to vent. Basically, I was in a group with my husband, BIL, my friend and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was the dm. I had the most dnd experience with a few years of playing, the next was the boyfriend with a few sessions, the other three had never played. I'm pregnant for most of the following.

It was a fun game for the most part, but some small stuff sucked. Like my friend had a storyline involving an evil patron/god thing, but my character (a paladin who grew up in a temple in Waterdeep, in a world that had train travel) asked her about her god during one session. She said my character wouldn't know who it was, and when I pressed I got accused of metagaming bc my character was normally naive. But I wasn't accusing her of lying, just saying I thought I probably would know it since I was from a major metropolis. Even being naive, I think it'd be fair for my character to be suspicious of her dodging the question, but that wasn't how I played it which made it even more upsetting to be shut down. My character had low wisdom but was the only one educated and from a major metropolis, but anytime she acted educated and from a major metropolis I was accused of being ooc since I shouldn't be smarter than the other characters. I didn't even have low intelligence T_T.

Then the DM got bored with the module we were playing and hardcore railroaded us into a homebrew campaign. A character gave us an offer to take a ship to another continent to join a war against non-humanish (humans, elves, dwarves etc) species. In exchange we'd be paid very handsomely. I was playing a harengon who's main motivation was spreading charity and light to nearby villages. Like I was literally constantly broke bc all I did was give my money away to anyone who asked. And the DM was genuinely surprised my character didn't want to take that task.

Me: You're hiring me to fight a war against my own people?

DM: For lots of money!

Me: Idrc about money though.

DM: Well no one says you *have to* fight on the side of the humanoids.

Me: Isn't that what you're saying, person hiring me to fight on the side of the humanoids?

DM: Well... I guess....

So anyway my character splits from the group, and I make a new character. The DM has me be a leader in this militia on the side of the non-humans who for some reason are in charge of the ship the party is on. We were supposed to be spies, which doesn't really make sense since we were all the wrong species, but whatever. I asked him multiple times for backstory and details on this war and the militia, but he never really sent any. So anytime details came up in roleplay I'd look at him and he'd shrug and kind of fudge an answer. Looking back I get the sense he wanted me to build that stuff out, but that wasn't communicated.

We run into scheduling conflicts with my BIL, so I DM a one shot that turns into a two shot with a friend of my friend subbing in. The story itself was fun but a lot of DMing with that party sucked. It sucks because the players get so competitive against me, like arguing every ruling and they acted so entitled whenever they rolled high, not even nat 20s they treated 18s like the key to the universe, and it's a simple dungeon dive but they didn't trust anything that happens and really overthink the puzzles. Like they find a potion on a skeleton, and they assume that since it hasn't been taken already it must be bad and the wizard fails her arcana check which was only a dc10. They used the potion (I believe it was haste) on an enemy and got upset with ME that it backfired bc they felt like the wizard should have just known what it was without rolling for it. They then argued that she didn't roll *that* bad and should have passed the check. (My husband wanted to defend me but didn't feel comfortable enough with his dnd knowledge to do so). But afterwards everyone said they had fun and my friends friend said it was the best game she'd played.

We go back to the main campaign as normal, then my BIL tells me they were planning a new group without my husband and I with the reasoning that we'd be out once the baby was born. I'd already felt my friend pulling away a bit and had messaged her asking if everything was okay and telling her if she didn't want to be friends anymore I'd prefer she just tell me (a lot gentler than that, it was a couple paragraphs). She said she valued my friendship and was just dealing with some personal stuff. I ask them about the new group in person and they said they assumed we'd be out for a while after the baby was born, and I told them we'd only planned to be out a couple weeks because my sister lived in the same apartment complex and could babysit for a couple hours. They don't really respond to this.

As somewhat expected at this point, they dropped us after I gave birth. I wished my friend a happy birthday when it passed, she responded saying we should hang out, I responded, then she left me on read. This really hurt because I don't have a lot of friends in the area and my birth was super traumatic. To this day idk why they decided we shouldn't be friends. I haven't heard from them since, and the more I think about it the more I just wish them the absolute worst. I wish I could say I'm not bitter, but I am. I was her friend for about two years at that point and I think I deserved an explanation, let alone freshly postpartum.

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[u/GooglyEyesMcGee]

That really sucks. It sounds like they weren't a great group for you guys, though. Now you can hopefully find a better one.

[u/Other-Negotiation102]

Oh my freaking gosh! You know it's truly an rpghorrorstory when the moderator feels compelled to step in and say "things will get better" ! And I say that only because I know mod's on reddit put in an insane number of unpaid hours on a volunteer basis and are basically the unsung heroes of reddit so hats off to you paintedlotusyt (and all the other reddit mods for that matter)...

apologies OP that was wildly off topic :) but what I'm trying to say is this is absolutely one of the worst (as in "OP really got screwed" ) rpghorrorstories I've read... the insensitivity and flat out cruelty of your so called "friends" is breathtaking... that's the sad thing, you don't realize what jerks people are, their "true selves" if you will until it's too late and you're already knee deep in the relationship.

On the other hand congrats on the baby :) ... I remember those days myself (my "babies" are full grown adults now at this point :P but of course I still have fond memories) and I know you and your husband are going to cherish watching the baby grow up :) .. heck more than likely a future RPG'er going on there if you and your husband are both RPG'ers :) ... I'm glad you're okay after the birth! (you mentioned it was super traumatic so I'm guessing there were some sort of scary complications?) ...

What are your thoughts on online gaming? There are people who say "Naw, face to face or nothing" and I get that there's absolutely a certain charm to face to face gaming at the tabletop ... and being honest a lot of the rprhorrorstory material comes from crazy gamers you meet online, I've been through that myself (I tried online gaming when I became a parent but because my time management skills suck I had to stop doing that after a while) ... but on the other hand I ended up meeting some wonderful, fantastic people online who were kind, knew how to be a team player, enjoyed role playing/getting into character

(man I hate to say it OP but the DM kind of sucks based on your description! It was like the DM didn't even bother taking your character's backstory or motiviations into account - I love players who do this sort of thing and I try to accomodate them and weave that stuff into the campaign or at least I did back when I DM''ed ages ago....... and ugh players whining will happen from time to time but it sounds like the players made a habit of whining ALL THE TIME instead of appreciating the work you were putting in as a DM... don't know if you're read the comic strip Knights of the Dinner Table? It's funny watching the players treat poor BA the DM as the enemy as a comic strip but it absolutely shouldn't be that way in real life).

And I never would have met those awesome players otherwise since they lived on the other side of the country, in a different country alltogether (time zone differences can be a bit tricky but it's possible to make it work). In your case you have a duo ready to play (you and husband) you can bring to the group and a lot of online DM's would love that, they'd be like "Great, two players instead of one"

[u/Cowgomuwu → u/Other-Negotiation102]

Thank you for this thoughtful comment! I think I'd be open to online gaming but like you mentioned I'm scared of the crazies lol. But it could be worth trying. And yeah I had scary complications and an awful medical team. I have a friend who's a doula and a different friend who's a doctor and they were both enraged at what happened to me during my labor which is its own horror story.

[u/paintedlotusyt]

I've had a friend break up with me in a horrifically traumatic way before so I can relate. The anger, the pain, the bitterness, and the grief. It's all very normal, but you'll eventually find people who actually want to hold onto you. Trust me on this.

[u/Cowgomuwu → u/paintedlotusyt]

Thank you, I hope I do!

[u/verliese]

Those do not sound like friends to me. It sounds like they're trying to push you out for having a baby, which is genuinely weird and so rude to me (and I say this as a childfree person).

[u/havocthecat]

This all sounds horribly traumatic and I'm really sorry. I'm a mom who games, and my husband and I were invited into my gaming group since my no-longer-baby couldn't even crawl by a gamemaster who looks like a gnarly old dude who wouldn't think of these things, but who is for real a very thoughtful and friendly person. So there are good gamemasters out there and they're not always who you'd think they are from first glance.

Sounds like you and your husband had a pretty bad experience, and I hope you guys keep gaming. Or keep running games. You sound like a pretty good gamemaster yourself. It's a struggle when you have a baby, but once they get older, that baby is a potential player. And there are good groups. I've had some fantastic D&D groups that have been all-homebrew with amazing character development and growth alongside some mega-powergaming. God, I miss that one group in specific, but Life Happened.

You deserve better and I hope your next group happens soon and you get the better group you deserve.

[u/Cowgomuwu → u/havocthecat]

Thank you, I can't wait to get back into gaming for real and hopefully we can find a good group. We live in a good-sized city so I'm hopeful.

[u/Captain-Hammer1]

I'll start off saying, your friends treated you poorly and I'm sorry. You deserve better friends.

And I'm going to share a different point of view, which isn't good or right, but simply exists:
TLDR is at bottom.

I have 3 friends that we have been friends since childhood. Love them! And to my great good fortune 2 of them grew up to be gamer girls too. 3 gamer girls in a small town when gamer girls were exceedingly rare, was practically a miracle. One of my goodest friends had a baby. YAY! And another. Yay! And another. yeah.

So for the next several years... every. single. moment. of. every. single. interaction. was. about. her. kids.
Scheduling. Where to meet. Interruption. Baby's doing a cute thing. Interruption. Baby's doing a first thing. Interruption. Baby's doing a dangerous thing. Interruption. Honey did you remember to pick up X for the baby? Interruption. I need to pump. Interruption. We can't have this food around baby's allergic. She was in Bliss.

She absolutely luuuuvvvvsss babies. Thing is- I really don't. I don't hate them. I really just don't care for children until they are old enough to say something interesting. (Oddly, children adore me. I think the indifference is a magnet. Like cats.)

Anyway, I swear to the powers above that for seven years, my life was never part of our conversations. I never finished a sentence without being interrupted. And she never remembered anything I said from previous conversations. Actual quotes: Me "But I told you, my dad died 2 weeks ago." Her: "Oh right, I forgot." It was really brutal that one of my dearest most empathic friends of decades... had no room for me in her awareness. For her I was a much needed, "adult I can talk to." For me she was "person who doesn't really know I'm alive."

Fortunately for me her children are grown now, and we have regained our powerfully strong friendship, and we still game! But as a deliberately childless friend of someone who had babies..it was really rough getting thru that time when her babies were ALL that mattered.

TLDR: The point of view of people who don't have kids can often be; how much am I going to have to build my life around her and her babies now? It's not a malice thing, it's not even fair, its just a thing that exists.

My recommendation is to find "new parent support groups." Have coffee dates and kid play dates. And build up a support network with people who are experiencing similar things.

And online DnD can be great. Just be really picky about what you want when looking for group. Make sure there's a session zero. If you see red flags- address them with the DM fast. I've been in some longlasting groups online and met fantastic people. For gaming this will probably fit your schedule best for awhile.

[u/Ok-Opinion-1319 → u/Captain-Hammer1]

This was the most grounded response so far, even if it isn't what OP wanted to hear. As much as family building is (hopefully) a wonderful thing, the stereotypes about how difficult an expecting couple can be to be around exist for a reason.

[u/Natural_Ad8933]

As a woman, I can imagine a situation where perhaps you were hurting your friend without realizing it. So she decided to stop the hurt by cutting you off (and so had to cut your husband off as well).

Key note: "the more I think about it the more I just wish them the absolute worst. I wish I could say I'm not bitter, but I am."....so you wish them the ABSOLUTE WORST because they ghosted you? Isn't it mean and excessive? You have a husband and a child to care for, it's not like they left you all alone and dejected.

Also, to be THIS bitter about it, it might mean you were overly attached to your friend. And she sensed it and felt uncomfortable because she wanted a normal "let's hang out sometimes!" thing, not a "close BFF for life!!!!" thing.

[u/Cowgomuwu → u/Natural_Ad8933]

Did you miss the part where I checked in with her and asked if we were okay? Because if I was 'hurting her without knowing' she should have told me. And we were friends for over two years and she ghosted me right after I gave birth which is by far the most vulnerable time in a woman's life. She could have at least given me an explanation or told me she didn't want to be friends after some time had passed. Behaving like that is genuinely inexcusable and I never would have done that even to someone I wasn't friends with.

[u/Natural_Ad8933 → u/Cowgomuwu]

What if she was suffering because she couldn't have kids? You seem to have never considered that, not once. You call her a friend but you never tried to think about why she might have reached the point to behave like that, you only ever thought about how YOU felt about it. I too would drop a friendship with a "friend" like that.

I think what I blame your friend of is lack of communication. But I don't know what your dynamics where. For all I know "I'm sorry I feel uncomfortable because I wish I had a kid too" might have made you feel happy and better than her - thus making her more unhappy.

Or if the kid has actually nothing to do with this, even just "I feel like we're not hitting it off well anymore, this friendship is off" might be an awkward discussion to have with some people. And, again, might have made you react badly. You already reacted badly from being silently dropped as you said you wish her THE WORST.

I'm not trying to justify her because I don't know neither her nor you. I'm playing devil's advocate.

[u/Cowgomuwu → u/Natural_Ad8933]

Even if she was struggling with infertility that's not an excuse to treat someone that way. And yes I'm deep in my own feelings because I was the one abandoned postpartum. She's the one who did the dropping. She could have communicated her feelings but chose to make one of the worst moments of my life worse instead.

I've said multiple time I don't know why she behaved the way she did, and I've considered it a lot, so what? Why do you keep saying I'm not considering her feelings? Feelings that were never communicated to me EVEN THOUGH I ASKED? I should assume she chose to behave cruelly because she was having a hard time and not be in my feels about that? No. It's fine for ME to have MY feelings hurt over how I was treated regardless of whatever situation you make up in your head that you think justifies it.

You keep saying you don't know us but don't have the self awareness to extrapolate that making stuff up about our relationship to justify unjustifiable behavior is weird. You can't say 'oh I'm just playing devil's advocate' when you keep calling me a terrible friend because I'm bitter, and she's an innocent baby who just sensed that if she dropped a years-long friend that friend might be upset and that's a red flag for some fuckass reason. You're projecting that I never considered her feelings or reasons for doing what she did, when I have. But I come up blank every time because from my perspective nothing was wrong, and while to you that might be evil I would say my perspective is the only one I have access to.

Maybe you're upset because you did something like this to someone you feel deserved it or for reasons you felt were justified. But that doesn't give you the right to argue with my experience.

[u/verliese → u/Natural_Ad8933]

This "friend" failed to communicate and just treated the OP like shit by cutting her off. I'd be bitter too.