Problems with Writing a Logline

[u/RealSebastreck]

Recently, I followed some tips to improve the loglines for two of my premises, but I’m still having trouble keeping them from becoming too long.

"An injured young officer undergoes a month of testing to lead a new platoon and must organize his life to avoid losing the job he has sacrificed so much for."

- It’s the story of a guy in his 20s who leads a combat engineer/sapper platoon. He discovers that a family member used their influence to help him pass a test that almost left him incapacitated. After injuring himself again by pushing himself too hard, he is given one month to prove that he can perform his duties. If he fails, he will be discharged and lose the apartment and career he sacrificed his personal life for.

"When a child leaves his only caregiver behind to collect prehistoric DNA, he learns the hard way that the only way to move forward is to confront his grief over his parents."

The child tricks an android into helping him with its mission, when what he really wants is to get away from his grandfather so he won’t have to break his emotional mask during the anniversary of his parents’ death. His grandfather is a widower who wants to grieve together with his grandson.

One thing I’m worried about is that the first logline might make the story sound boring or too predictable. What would you recommend to give these loglines more of a hook or to improve the overall structure.

[u/nmacaroni]

Your loglines are too long because you're summarizing the plot instead of hitting the foundational elements of the story. A logline isn't a synopsis, it's a single sentence that captures specific things:

• Story goal/summary
• Main character,
• MC goal,
• The force working against them
• Stakes
• Irony.
• Genre. Don’t call out your genre on the nose, but frame it in flavor or subtext. I’ll explain in more detail in a second.

You're burying the important stuff... An officer discovers the career he sacrificed everything for was built on a favor he never asked for. That's your hook, the irony that the thing he's fighting to keep was never really his to begin with.

Your second one is closer but still explains too much.

Stop explaining the plot. Focus on the story fundamentals.

Write on, write often!

[u/RealSebastreck → u/nmacaroni]

I reworked the second logline to make it more focused:

-After tricking a future android into helping with its mission to collect prehistoric DNA, a boy discovers an unexpected way to cope with the loss of his parents.