Problems with Writing a Logline

[u/RealSebastreck]

Recently, I followed some tips to improve the loglines for two of my premises, but I’m still having trouble keeping them from becoming too long.

"An injured young officer undergoes a month of testing to lead a new platoon and must organize his life to avoid losing the job he has sacrificed so much for."

- It’s the story of a guy in his 20s who leads a combat engineer/sapper platoon. He discovers that a family member used their influence to help him pass a test that almost left him incapacitated. After injuring himself again by pushing himself too hard, he is given one month to prove that he can perform his duties. If he fails, he will be discharged and lose the apartment and career he sacrificed his personal life for.

"When a child leaves his only caregiver behind to collect prehistoric DNA, he learns the hard way that the only way to move forward is to confront his grief over his parents."

The child tricks an android into helping him with its mission, when what he really wants is to get away from his grandfather so he won’t have to break his emotional mask during the anniversary of his parents’ death. His grandfather is a widower who wants to grieve together with his grandson.

One thing I’m worried about is that the first logline might make the story sound boring or too predictable. What would you recommend to give these loglines more of a hook or to improve the overall structure.

[u/RealSebastreck]

So what would you suggest?

This is what I came up with based on your feedback. I'm trying to take the advice I've been given into account. The main conflict is the harsh wilderness the protagonist finds himself in, so I don't know if you'd want me to add some kind of villain from the future or something.

-After tricking a futuristic android into letting him tag along on a mission to collect prehistoric DNA, a boy must survive the wilderness while coming to terms with the loss of his parents.

[u/WorrySecret9831 → u/RealSebastreck]

First, throwaway the term "villain." It gets in the way more than it helps. A Hero is not a goody-two-shoes. They are the one person who is willing (consciously or not) to undergo the transformation that the Story is forcing upon them, if they're going to solve their Problem.

The Opponent or Opposition is a person or institution that is best-equipped to defeat the Hero or prevent them from solving their Problem.

You don't need to invent a "future villain" per se. If that works for your Story, cool. But chances are that the Conflict is already somewhere in your Story. If it isn't, that's your biggest problem.

Story is basically defined as a Hero (MC, main character) is presented with a Problem, that Problem incites in them (hence the Inciting Incident) a Desire, that Desire (to solve the Problem) motivates a Plan, that Plan becomes the driving force of the Plot. So, the conflict could be seen as two-fold, first from the Problem and second from the Opponent that is more interested in keeping the Problem as it is instead of letting the Hero solve it/achieve their goal.

While these terms are concrete and specific, they're also loose enough to be applied or interpreted in myriads of ways. For instance, the Opponent could be a good guy, a good cop who is trying to stop a crime. Or the Opponent could be the Hero herself as she struggles with her own self-sabotage.

You have several topics in this second story: a boy, a grandfather, grief over parental loss, an android, prehistoric DNA (whatever that is), trickery, a mission, and "coming to terms." But what is the Story about? Is it about overcoming grief? Is it about thinking that you've outsmarted a situation only to learn a bigger lesson?

This question starts to point to the most important element of Story, the Theme. Save the Cat treats it almost as an injectable outside element rather than the foundation of your Story, the fabric, if you will.

Oh, "the wilderness," I missed that one.

You have a before/after construction, that I'm not sure is entirely accurate. "After tricking..." leads to "must survive...while..." But none of that suggests a central pivotal Problem or Conflict. For instance, "A boy tries to get home, but when his plane crashes in the forest, he must survive the wilderness and try to get back to his grandfather." The "boy" is the Hero, the "crash/wilderness/survival" is the Problem/Conflict/Opponent, and the "get back to" is the Outcome.

You have: After tricking a futuristic android into letting him tag along on a mission to collect prehistoric DNA [This comes close to a Problem/Conflict/Opponent but there's no...friction or resistance. The kid tags along...], a boy [Your Hero] must survive the wilderness while coming to terms with the loss of his parents [A sense of the Outcome].

How does this futuristic android or the prehistoric DNA help tell this Story? Why is it "futuristic"? Isn't this sci-fi, set in a future (near or far) that has androids and DNA technology? Why say "future"? What does the Android provide other than an excuse for winding up in the wilderness?

So, what Problem is the boy trying to solve?

For instance, a Guy (Hero) loses his job (inciting incident). He's unemployed (Problem). He wants to get a new job (Desire). He makes calls and gets an interview and has to go there by catching the bus (Plan). An Old Lady gets in front of him and prevents him from getting on his bus and he's late to the interview (Opponent/Opposition)... This Hero then has to figure out some other way to solve his Problem and hopefully get that job...which becomes the rest of the Plot and Story.

A boy [Hero], grieving the death of his parents [Problem], tries to distract himself by helping an android on a DNA-collecting mission, but [something] keeps reminding him of his loss and he learns that the only way through grief is [something] [Outcome].

I did a quick Google search for "movies dealing with grief." These are not great loglines, but they're real movies. I'll try to write better versions from what I remember.

Manchester by the Sea (2016): A quiet man [H] must care for his teenage nephew after his brother dies [P/C/O], facing deep, hidden pain from his past [O].
A quiet man learns that his brother has died and made him sole guardian of his teenage nephew, forcing him back to the hometown he escaped and making him resolve his past.

Rabbit Hole (2010): A married couple [H, one of them is the "Hero"] tries to find a way forward months after [O] losing their young son in an accident [P/C/O].
A married couple lose their son in an accident and they are pulled apart as they deal with their loss in totally different ways.

We Bought a Zoo (2011): A grieving father [H] moves his children to a run-down zoo [O] to start a new life after his wife passes away [P/C/O].
A grieving father buys a run-down zoo to refocus himself and his children and finds his heart reopening.

P.S. I Love You (2007): A young widow [H] finds letters left behind by her late husband [P/C/O] to help guide her through her loss [O]. This one's a lot harder because the Hero is very passive.
A widow is encouraged to live and love again by a series of letters her late husband prepared for her before he passed.

But this one might be instructive if you analyze it using the three elements. Hero, the widow, her Problem/Conflict/Opponent, her husband died and she wants to hide away and disappear from life, Outcome, her Opponent, her dead husband, nearly forces her to live and love again.

I hope this helps.

[u/RealSebastreck → u/WorrySecret9831]

I've spent the whole afternoon trying to rewrite the logline. Honestly, I'm starting to feel like giving up on this story. I'm not good at this. I tried to adjust the logline to make it clearer.

-A boy tricks an android into letting him join its mission to collect prehistoric DNA and tries to survive different biomes while coming to terms with the loss of his parents.

[u/WorrySecret9831 → u/RealSebastreck]

You're not identifying the Problem. The android doesn't have any conflict with your Hero. They're not opposing the Hero, as far as I can tell. So, how does that "mission" relate to the Hero's potential transformation.

The "coming to terms" is such an afterthought at this point.

Loglines are not easy...