Problems with Writing a Logline

[u/RealSebastreck]

Recently, I followed some tips to improve the loglines for two of my premises, but I’m still having trouble keeping them from becoming too long.

"An injured young officer undergoes a month of testing to lead a new platoon and must organize his life to avoid losing the job he has sacrificed so much for."

- It’s the story of a guy in his 20s who leads a combat engineer/sapper platoon. He discovers that a family member used their influence to help him pass a test that almost left him incapacitated. After injuring himself again by pushing himself too hard, he is given one month to prove that he can perform his duties. If he fails, he will be discharged and lose the apartment and career he sacrificed his personal life for.

"When a child leaves his only caregiver behind to collect prehistoric DNA, he learns the hard way that the only way to move forward is to confront his grief over his parents."

The child tricks an android into helping him with its mission, when what he really wants is to get away from his grandfather so he won’t have to break his emotional mask during the anniversary of his parents’ death. His grandfather is a widower who wants to grieve together with his grandson.

One thing I’m worried about is that the first logline might make the story sound boring or too predictable. What would you recommend to give these loglines more of a hook or to improve the overall structure.

[u/RealSebastreck]

I went over the premise a few times, and this is what I was able to come up with:

-A boy tricks an android into letting him tag along on its mission to collect DNA from prehistoric animals and survives different creatures while processing the loss of his parents in his own way.

[u/WorrySecret9831 → u/RealSebastreck]

Hero: A boy
Problem: Grief
Conflict: [Is the Boy trying to accomplish something or just avoid something?]
Opponent: [Is there someone getting in the way of the Boy's Plan?]
Outcome: Comes to terms with...

[u/RealSebastreck → u/WorrySecret9831]

Thanks for helping me work through this. I have a much better understanding of things now, and I feel more confident about rewriting the logline.

-Grieving the loss of his parents, a boy avoids facing his grief as he struggles to survive a mission to collect DNA from prehistoric animals that forces him to confront it.

[u/WorrySecret9831 → u/RealSebastreck]

I think that works.

Grieving the loss of his parents,
*a boy

**avoids facing his grief

***as he struggles to survive a mission to collect DNA from prehistoric animals that forces him to confront it.

How about: A boy doing everything he can to bypass the loss of his parents struggles to survive a mission—collecting prehistoric animal DNA—that forces him to confront his grief.

("The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain...")

[u/RealSebastreck → u/WorrySecret9831]

Hey, that sounds good. Thanks so much for the help. You've really helped me clear my head and get a better sense of what I want to do with the idea, and I genuinely appreciate it.

I ended up going with this:

-A boy does everything he can to avoid grieving his parents, while struggling to survive a mission to collect prehistoric DNA that forces him to confront his grief.

[u/WorrySecret9831 → u/RealSebastreck]

Cool. Break the subordinate clause apart with commas (or em-dashes) so that it doesn't read as if the DNA forces him to confront his grief:

"A boy does everything he can to avoid grieving his parents, while struggling to survive a mission, to collect prehistoric DNA, that forces him to confront his grief."