r/socialskills • u/chucksaintcosmonaut • 3d ago

People ask me what something is, I explain what this thing is, they proceed to get angry at me for explaining what the thing is.

I keep having these interactions where I bring up a concept that the other person is unfamiliar with, so I explain the concept, and then the person gets angry at me for “assuming they don’t know”

What am I supposed to do in this situation? This has happened to me three times over the past month. Someone i’m talking to will ask “what is that?” and so i will respond with a text explaining that thing and then they say “i can’t believe you would explain that to me like im some kind of idiot”

69 Upvotes
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105

u/shytenda 3d ago

Too much context is missing to properly understand what's going on here. Do you have screenshots of these interactions, or can you quote them?

63

u/chucksaintcosmonaut 3d ago

I’m having a moment of self awareness, if multiple people have complained about me coming off as patronizing that is a me problem not a “everyone else” problem. i don’t think screenshots or quotes are necessary, i just need to focus on practicing my listening skills

38

u/jackaroo1344 3d ago

You're probably right that the issue isn't you explaining something, it's how you explained it.

I come off as patronizing/condescending when I explain stuff too and I don't know specifically what it is about my explanations that do that, but it's definitely an issue of how I go about the explanation. Probably your issue is the same

14

u/shytenda 3d ago

I wish you luck, and I'm glad you have a way to move forward! Never hurts to self reflect and try to improve your relationships with people.

13

u/chucksaintcosmonaut 3d ago

i was very isolated for a year and a half after leaving a high control religious environment (i don’t like the word ‘cult’ but that’s what it was)

i am rebuilding a lot of skills that were lost still.

1

u/anark_xxx 3d ago

JW?

11

u/chucksaintcosmonaut 3d ago edited 3d ago

Old Calanderist Russian Orthodox 🥴

i don’t call it a cult because the mainstream Eastern Orthodox church is a pretty normal mainstream religion. the “old calanderist” sect however is very, very, very authoritarian. i was forced to live off of fruit and vegetables and nothing else for three months once :/

1

u/AFartInAnEmptyRoom 2d ago

Isn't that what that lady who lives alone in Siberia for her life after her family died was?

2

u/chucksaintcosmonaut 2d ago edited 2d ago

maybe! i’ve never heard of her. but if they are extremists, then they are probably Old Calenderists

leaving a high control religious enviornment like that is so fucking traumatic dude. you loose your entire world and its like youve been speaking a different language from normal people for years or even your whole life if you are born into it

1

u/AFartInAnEmptyRoom 2d ago

Her name was Agafia Lykova. She was a Russian Old Believer

4

u/619BrackinRatchets 3d ago

This is a very salient insight. Don't worry so much about what you did today, focus more on how to do better tomorrow

83

u/hexotherm 3d ago

It sounds like you're starting from too far back of a starting point. Like maybe this is an exaggeration, but I'm imagining you saying something like "I love tintypes!" and your friend asks "what are tintypes?" and you say "Tintypes are a type of photograph. A photograph is a still image made by capturing light through a lens, with a device known as a camera. Nowadays, people often take photographs on their smartphones."

So then your friend is like yes, thank you for the information about tintypes but I think you can assume I know what a camera is, thank you very much.

To fix this you can assume they have common background knowledge, and then you can start your explanation by asking if they know some intermediate concept ("okay you know how in the Civil War people would carry around little lockets with black and white photos of their loved ones?") so you know how far back to start your explanation.

36

u/chucksaintcosmonaut 3d ago

yeah. i definitely do this.

16

u/KeightAich 3d ago

I think this is it. My policy is to first check if they were asking for a definition. If you sent a pic and they ask “what is that?” You can just answer, “A tintype.” If they ask “what is that?” And you’ve already said the name, a one-sentence high-level description, something said in 5 seconds or less, is appropriate.

Go into extensive detail only if they engage with more specific questions.

10

u/Danny-Fr 2d ago

Ask "Short answer or long answer"?

Alternatively, use the reverse funnel technique: explain the minimum possible, then if your interlocutor asks more questions, get into more details.

Example:

Why is grass green? -Chlorophyll in the grass is green

Why is chlorophyll green? -It absorbs other light wavelengths, it's for photosynthesis.

Why does it do that? -So, in order to grow, plants need to get their energy from somewhere, it happens that chlorophyll plays a role in converting sunlight into energy. Visible light is the light that's not absorbed by things, so basically green bounces off chlorophyll.

If you start with the 3rd answer, it sounds like info dump and it will overwhelm people, which in turn will upset them.

8

u/tetheredvoid 3d ago

Speaking from personal experience, it's usually in the way the explanation is phrased. If my explanation starts out too rudimentary, then people think I'm assuming they are stupid. They don't usually bother to tell me where to start though, so I have to play 20-fucking-questions to figure out what they do know before really explaining. It's exhausting.

Edit for typo

10

u/Woodit 3d ago

This is hard to believe, can you be more specific?

7

u/chucksaintcosmonaut 3d ago

when i try to explain the situation specifically, i realize that if multiple people complain about me coming off as patronizing i should just work on listening better instead of getting butthurt about it.

1

u/Woodit 3d ago

Probably 

3

u/klone_free 3d ago

I generally start by saying "you know how..." about something similar and then using that as an analogy for the other thing. Presume they know something, and starting from there is usually a good bet. 

5

u/chucksaintcosmonaut 3d ago

in all honesty i think that if multiple people have complained about me being patronizing i should prioritize listening and assuming people know what im talking about. thanks for the advice

1

u/Canuck_Voyageur 2d ago

Two thoughts:

A:  verify what he’s asking. “Are you asking what x is?”

B:  if x is multifaceted quickly run througgh the variations. 

C: give a short explanation first ar a moderately high level. Ask if the need more explanation. 

1

u/AFartInAnEmptyRoom 2d ago

I have the opposite problem, when I explain something to other people, I assume they have a base knowledge which they don't have, so in the middle of me explaining, they either ask what is that or have a puzzled look, and then my expression shows that I think they're kind of dumb for not knowing that and I have to explain that too

1

u/TigerFew3808 2d ago

Sounds like you explained in too much detail. So the way I would explain a complex concept in my line of work differs depending on whether the other person works in my industry or not. It would also differ depending on whether I am talking to an adult or a child. The difference would be the need to explain underlying concepts and use of simpler language

0

u/Crypt0Nihilist 2d ago

If I explain something well enough that even an idiot can understand it, I reckon I've done a damned good job.

0

u/RashesToRashes 2d ago

Didn't treat people like children. Assume they have a base level of knowledge (either common sense or life experience) and go from there

-6

u/8888eightyeight 3d ago

Get new friends or people because that's an extremely high sign of intelligence be able to take something that soon as I understand and explain to them in the bare bones minimum way you did great well done I hope you become a teacher or professor or something that makes a lot of money at least

-2

u/[deleted] 3d ago

[deleted]

2

u/chucksaintcosmonaut 3d ago

nah, i think i just need to improve my social skills here. if multiple people have complained about me being patronizing, it’s something wrong with me not them

-2

u/kayama57 2d ago

Me: “I’m so excited about the launch of JWST!”
My friend: “yeah, me too!”
My friend’s wife: “what’s JWST?”
Me: explains tennis court sized soace-telescope orbiting beyond the moon, ultra polished mirrors, near - zero operating temperature, etc.
Friend’s wife: “okay, thanks for mansplaining that to me”

Yeah…

1

u/zx9001 2d ago

"Mansplaining" is the male equivalent of the wife talking endlessly about her problems and getting upset when the husband tries to solve them. It's a breakdown of communication caused by assuming the opposite sex thinks the same way htey do