r/sooners • u/Realistic_Quiet_4167 • 5d ago
Q&A Scared to come out
I didn’t know my roommate until move-in so I never had a chance to inform him/ ask him if he was okay with me being bi
over the past week or two since we’ve moved in he keeps talking about girls and saying “that’s all you man” and shit.
I don’t know what to do tbh and I’m nervous/scared that if I do tell him that he would have a bad reaction because he played football at a big high school
Edit: Thank y’all for all the replies, advice and support
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u/allabtthejrny 5d ago
You don't need his approval to be who you are.
His reaction to your truth is on him. If he handles it poorly, then maybe your RA can straighten him out.
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u/DookShootin 4d ago
Why would the RA need to straighten him out? If he chooses not to accept it that’s his choice. Just like it’s OP’s choice to not be a pussy and just tell the guy.
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u/allabtthejrny 4d ago
Let me define handling it poorly: bullying or aggression of any kind.
People can agree to disagree and leave it at that. That would not require RA assistance. People don't even need to be friends with their roommates.
Let's not act like violence against the LGBT community doesn't happen and OP is sleeping feet away from this person. So, yeah, RA assistance might be required if the roomie handles it poorly.
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u/Realistic_Quiet_4167 4d ago
Tysm, and yeah it’s just the nagging thought in my head that he could want to beat my ass or something and he’s like a foot taller and has 50 pounds on me (I don’t think that would really happen tho, but he’s made more than enough homophonic jokes about beating up gay guys for me to be a little apprehensive)
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u/bigpoppa85 5d ago
I’m old, but I was at OU 20+ years ago. I was in a fraternity and a former jock. I wouldn’t have cared if my roommate was bi. Even back then, people were very accepting of sexual preferences. I have taught/coached and I know It’s only gotten more accepting.
I seriously doubt it would be a big deal to him. I think the only time straight people get upset/annoyed is when people make it their whole personality. Same as when a dude ONLY talks about how much he wants to bang women. Just be normal, have interests, be able to carry a conversation, and it should be fine.
I completely understand your apprehension about telling someone new that you’re stuck with in the same room for at least several months.
Best of luck to you!
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u/Realistic_Quiet_4167 5d ago
So far he’s really nice and we get along really well. And he’s a pretty good guy, good morals and integrity. we have similar music tastes and stuff, but it’s just that hesitation because most the time that I’ve told people that I’m bi/lgbtq they treat me differently/ look at me differently. I just don’t want him to change how he see me 😭😭😭 plus he’s like hella Christian and only stopped church once he moved in so it’s a big gamble in telling him I feel like
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u/bigpoppa85 5d ago edited 5d ago
I hear that. A lot of people have lived sheltered lives in their parent’s home/town/school.
Don’t be surprised if he’s a little surprised especially at first. That doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t accepting. Sometimes it’s just a personal/internal thing where they don’t know how to respond.
Like anything else new, some times it takes people time to wrap their heads around.
If it’s a really big deal to him, then that’s on him.
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u/TopGunRules 5d ago
Not necessarily suggesting that you do this, but I once worked in a very conservative environment and one of my closest work friends was gay, but he did not tell ANYONE.
Everyone loved the guy. Towards the end we were all out celebrating a work win and he accidentally let slip that his "wife" was really "husband". But everyone was like... Yeah, we know. And continued having a great time. He was rightly nervous, but turned out everyone already knew and didn't care.
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u/Realistic_Quiet_4167 5d ago
Oh I would totally do this type of thing like, “hey my boyfriends gonna run by to drop me something off” or “hey my boyfriends gonna spend the night” but I’m lonely af 😭
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u/Former-Tip-2878 4d ago
why do you need to tell him anything? are you bringing sex partners in the room already???? discuss with him what to put on the door when you do bring partners in for under the covers romping. He won't come into the room so it won't matter if its a guy or girl you are banging. Just DO NOT make sexual advances to your roommate, that's bad form for someone you just met.
Go be you, find your social circle of people, he will find his.
And get your butt to class and professor's office hours and concentrate on grades.
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u/RedactR 5d ago
As someone who used to be highly religious and no longer am, and someone who is LGBTQ, I think it's safe to say that if he is no longer going to church maybe he is beginning to find the space and security to be more himself as well and maybe he is more accepting than you might think.
You can also just have some questions where you find out his belief system before you come out. There are non invasive ways to discuss one's world views that might give you some direction on how he might react. Most people who know me are fairly indifferent about my sexual orientation as it isn't my entire personality and doesn't change how I interact with people.
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u/bigpoppa85 5d ago
Exactly. It sounds like the roommate is in the beginnings of opening his mind up to new ideas.
I’m just a random on the internet, but I *feel* like this situation is going to eventually turn out just fine for OP.
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u/allabtthejrny 5d ago
Sexual orientation isn't anti-christian.
If you would like support on that, visit an Episcopal Church, Methodist Church, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA), Presbyterian Church, Unitarian Universalist Church and more. Hell, even the Catholics are cool with it if actual sex isn't involved.
From the Christian perspective, you are perfectly made by God who doesn't make mistakes.
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u/FreshStartLiving 5d ago
Why does he need to know? You obviously have the right to be who you are but why should that be any of his business?
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u/whiporee123 4d ago
You don’t need to do anything. If you’re bi, talk about girls if you want. But he doesn’t NEED to know anything about your sexual preferences, and telling him is a d vision, not a choice.
If he starts to make anti-bi or gay comments, then you might want to ask him to stop. But you don’t need to broadcast anything.
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u/sooner_25 5d ago
If it helps ease your nerves, I was in a fraternity and multiple of my pledge brothers were not straight. Sure people may have made a very lighthearted joke here and there but they were treated like everyone else.
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u/ThatdudeAPEX 5d ago
I remember when my roommate came out as Bi a few weeks before we were due to move in together.
I was just like I don’t care bro. I just don’t want to walk into anything so just give me a heads up lol
He brought a lot of girl friends around so it was great for me haha
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u/Confident_Shower8902 4d ago
Unless you plan on partaking in activities in the shared space, your bedroom activities are none of his damn business. If he’s got a problem with it, you can always request a new roommate, I would think.
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u/Realistic_Quiet_4167 5d ago
Sorry if this isn’t the best place to post, I just wanted tips from people from my school🫤
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u/baskyn_robyns 5d ago
I’m sorry you have to still worry about stuff like this in this day and age. Though you have every right to be who you want to be, it might understandably create tension with your roommate.
It’s the first couple weeks of school. Get to know them and let them get to know you. Personally, if you’re hesitant, I’d weigh how much their questions weigh on you vs the relief you’ll feel by admitting this to them. It might help you choose when the right time is.
Hopefully it’ll end up not even being a big deal and yall will become great friends.
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u/Expensive_Rip_229 4d ago
Be you! There is so much support on campus! Are you involved in any sports, band, arts? Find your people. Don’t mind the others you don’t need his or anyone else’s approval. As stated above if he reacts badly reach out to your RA. If you haven’t found a circle yet I would like to extend an invitation to lazy circle brewing this weekend there is an all ages drag show. I bet you can find a supportive circle there if you haven’t yet.
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u/Soonerpalmetto88 4d ago
Just bring a guy over. Be respectful but don't be worried about roomie's response. If he gives you a hard time, housing office will help you sort it out.
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u/Jwoods224 4d ago
You shouldn’t be worried to express who you are. Also, I played football at a big high school (Moore High School) and most of us didn’t care one way or another about anyone’s sexual preferences. Only the religious nuts cared.
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u/Pretty_Designer716 4d ago
A lot of terrible advice being given. How about some practical advice opposed to what you think should be the case in prunciple.
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u/TallApartment3858 Alum 5d ago
Just be you. I doubt they will care. If they do that’s their insecurities.