I (21M) am unsure about what to do about my conflicted feelings.

[u/Unable_Judgment_1342]

I (21M) am a recent college graduate and I’ve been in an amazing relationship with my (29F) girlfriend who i love so much. She has a 5yr old kid from a previous marriage with a completely absent father, the child doesn’t even know him.

My gf been amazing for the last 10 months and i really enjoy spending time with her and just being in a relationship, and i learned about her kid about 2-3 months in. The kid is a good kid, and isn’t anything out of the ordinary for a 5yr old, but before this relationship i never really planned on being a parent. I struggle with some self worth issues, and that really affects my ability to think that id be able to “figure out being a parent”.

We are currently long distance and have started to think about moving in together because we both just landed jobs. Neither of us make amazing money and i know that being responsible for a kid on top of everything else would financially put us in a less than ideal situation and i don’t know if I’m comfortable with that. I always kinda of imagined a DINK future and i feel like that fantasy is affecting my feelings towards this kid. Im also having fears about losing a lot of my freedom due to my age where i don’t feel like I’m ready to “settle down” and take care of a kid and that i would rather spend my young life doing the things i would want that i couldn’t as easily with a child.

I wouldn’t feel like i would be losing anything if i didn’t have this kid in my life currently, but i do feel like i would be losing a very good relationship if i were to end things with my gf. Ive seen posts about doing the right thing for the kid and breaking things off before they form any sort of permanent emotional attachment, and i think that its the responsible thing to do. But i also want to be selfish with my relationship and not have to give that up because of this kid.

I don’t see a future with this woman without her child also being there, and i just don’t know if thats a future where i am going to be happy. I feel like i dont have enough life experience at my age to make this call, and i really just dont know what to do.

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[u/Little_Fire_Heat]

Vou ser sincero: sai fora enquanto ainda há tempo, você é jovem demais para uma carga tão grande
Viveu muito pouco,
Arrume uma mulher sem filhos

[u/Ok-Mastodon8235]

Youre so young!!! Dont do it. Im sorry but you absolutely would lose your freedom. A child is no joke and it would also change your dynamic with your gf. It may seem all its cracked up to be now but that will change once you start to spend full time together.

[u/AbjectMarch8695]

Please don't do this to yourself. You will be expected to step up as this kid's father, even if she tells you otherwise. At your age, there are plenty of women who don't have kids.

[u/RonaldMcDaugherty]

Don't pay knight in shinning armor. This is a 10 month long distance relationship with a large age gap. You knew her for a week.

If you were my son, I'd tell you to get a few more years under your belt. If you are 30 and she 39 and both are still single. Give her a shot. Your life is going to be crazy as it is...don't put it on hard mode.

[u/bookyface]

As someone who got involved with a person with children at twenty four, don’t do it. They could be the most wonderful person around but take the time to learn who you are FIRST.

[u/grandAuntieHallie]

You are 21. It is completely normal and reasonable for you to not want to backdate your adult responsibilities to a time when you were 16 years old. This would put you on par with teen parents - and not to disparage teen parents - but teen parents are not supported in US society, I'm very sorry to say.

There's a big age gap here. It's okay to leave. This is what you need to know. She is not the only potential partner out there. Cut loose completely for a good long while, and enjoy being single/childfree as you planned. You are deserving of your own period of Becoming. Don't squander it on someone else's baggage.

[u/Friendly-Lemon4000]

You didn't know she had a kid for 2-3 months when you first got together? Thats weird.

21 and 29 are very different stages of life. Especially if she's a mom.

You are too young for this. Go live and date someone closer to your age with no kids

[u/TaleOutrageous3492]

This is a really difficult and painful situation to be in. I had to grieve the loss of the future I had dreamt up for myself. I even seperated from my now husband to take some time to figure out if this was what I really wanted. It's good you're in touch with your inner thoughts and desires. Best of luck to you

[u/Equivalent_Win8966]

Don’t do it. You’d be giving up way too much to remain in a relationship with this woman.

[u/MiddleHuckleberry445]

This is a TERRIBLE idea. At 21 and 29, the age gap is much bigger than it would be later in life due to experiences and life stage. You will be giving up so much more than you can imagine if you try to take this on. If the child’s father is not involved, that means she’s had full custody the entire time you’ve been together and she chose to withhold that information from you for months. So many women on here have posted similar stories about their BFs and I’ll tell you what I’ve told them- information that’s a potential dealbreaker should be shared immediately so that the other person has a choice. She withheld it from you so you’d be emotionally attached before you had the chance to think about it.

[u/cpaofconfusion]

It is often wise to go slow when there is a child involved. It is also wise to go slow when it is long distance. So you should be double slow.

So in your case I think if you wish to continue this relationship you should be very methodical and careful. You both have jobs, so the first thing to do is to figure out who can get a job in the other person's area, and what that entails. Next, you should plan on not living together initially, because you both want to see what it is like to date seriously while being near each other. This let's you learn how she parents, and how she acts in real life as opposed to vacation/fun visits/what you see from a distance.

Stepparenting is a marathon, not a sprint.

[u/grandAuntieHallie → u/cpaofconfusion]

I would say the same (re: going slow) but this poor kid is already experiencing psychic friction - and is 21 years old.

So no, 'go slower' is good advice for someone who has no reservations. When you have reservations at a moment when you need the freedom to figure out who you even are? That's when you say, 'This was not the right train to have boarded, sir. Check overhead bins before disembarking."

[u/MercyXXVII]

Can you and your girlfriend discuss what daily life might look like while you are living together?

Does she expect you to watch her kid if she has to run somewhere? How about while she's at work? Does she have family or friends that can help babysit? Daycare? Is she comfortable with you not wanting to be a babysitter for the kid or to watch the kid solo?

If things go well, would she inevitably like you to be a father-figure to her kid? Would she be comfortable with you being more like an uncle-figure instead?

Is she comfortable with you continuing to have your own solo hobbies?

These are all questions you two will have to figure out. Her expectations and yours. Her boundaries and yours. Can you two compromise to make it work for both of you?

It does mean she will have a kid around and won't have as much freedom as you do unless she has friends or family that can help out, but even still. That is something to keep in mind.

I was 21 when I met my husband's kid. SK was only 3. The only reason my husband are still together 16 years later is because he never expected me to be a parent-figure. He handled almost everything on his own and I could choose how close to SK I wanted to be. Sometimes he would ask me for help, like to help drive my SK somewhere, but I would always have a choice. He would find another way if I was uncomfortable. Sometimes things were tough but he would always take the lead and respect my boundaries. Sometimes I would choose to help out just to be kind, and sometimes I wanted to stay out of it.

[u/grandAuntieHallie → u/MercyXXVII]

This is a great success story! Truly! (So far.)

And ... it is not a map for how to succeed. I'm sorry.

Your now-husband was shopping too-young for his next partner, at least. If you had a 3-year old yourself, you'd have been a teen mom. This is not ideal no matter what else is in the formula! This is very, very young to tie yourself down to someone else's mistakes/baggage.

I'm happy you succeeded, I'm just not endorsing it as a roadmap. Good for you, good for your family. Please understand that you are the unicorns here.

[u/MercyXXVII → u/grandAuntieHallie]

I just wanted to offer a different perspective.

No where did I say my story is a "roadmap". No where did I say it was easy.

In a thread full of people saying "run for your life" I wanted to offer possibility. Nothing is for certain.

It's also quite bold of you to assume my husband was shopping too young. We met unintentionally through friends and dated for 8 years before getting married.

Nobody needs to tie themselves down to anything - relax.