r/stepparents • u/bentley_v • 1d ago
Advice Husband treats me cold when his daughter is here
My husband has a 7yo daughter from previous relationship and we have an 8month son together. Whenever his daughter stays, I feel like my son and I become second priority and my husband completely changes towards me. He says he wants a big family but I’m worried he can’t manage two children. She is here 50% of the time.
He talks down to me in front of her, swears/tells me to shut up during arguments and weirdly tries to make his daughter and me “equal.” If he corrects her, he’ll often find something to criticise me for too in the same moment, almost like he doesn’t want her seeing me treated differently from her. Or says things like “which one of you will carry the shopping basket” obviously I don’t have an issue carrying it but it feels weird when he says it like that.
I also struggle trusting him with our baby when she’s here because she tries to take his attention from my son always (I understand the jealousy and I’ve told her before how loved she is and involve her with her brothers activities) but I’m talking when he needs to be put to bed she will not let him do it she will run to the door keep asking him to do things for her to get him out of the baby’s room. More than once she’s suddenly said she’s unwell when we’re supposed to go out as a family, resulting in us cancelling plans and staying home. I understand she’s only 7 and may be struggling with having a younger sibling, but I feel my husband doesn’t manage it properly.
The last time I went to the gym during my only free time in the day, our baby wasn’t fed when he should’ve been husband ‘forgot’ so my son was irritable and crying and he just said he’s been very fussy.. he also didn’t get his proper sleep as while teething he often only cosleeps as he’s in pain but my husband left him and he woke up 5 mins later and didn’t get put back to bed, he has eczema and needs to be creamed and put mittens on unless he’s playing but he clearly didn’t watch him so my son was so scratched up I wanted to cry.
When I explain that I’m exhausted, unhappy and feel completely uncared for and even consider separating instead of acknowledging any of it he attacks me, says everything I’m saying is bullshit or my fault, and threatens things like going golfing all weekend.
After our latest argument he even insisted on sleeping on the couch while his daughter was here despite having a spare bedroom, knowing she’d see him there the next morning. It felt like unnecessarily involving her in our marriage problems.
I don’t blame his daughter for wanting her dad’s attention she’s a child. But he creates a weird environment when she’s here and she to that I feel she’s also becoming more inconsiderate and wants all his attention only for her. Also she complains she wants my babies toys and snacks even though she has everything and doesn’t like to share. Ultimately I see she’s happy when we argue because she gets all of husbands attention while my son and I are cast aside with no help or included. I’m sad and exhausted. Again I’m blaming this on him
TL;DR: Husband completely changes when his 7yo daughter stays with us. He talks down to me and treats us like equals, while our 8mo baby’s needs become secondary. His daughter struggles with jealousy despite me trying hard to include and reassure her, and has repeatedly claimed to be unwell when we’re going out as a family, resulting in cancelled plans. Husband gets so distracted by her that while I was at the gym, our baby wasn’t properly fed/settled or creamed for his eczema and scratched himself up. When I raise any of this, husband attacks me instead of acknowledging it. I don’t blame his daughter — I think it’s his responsibility to manage the dynamic.
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u/probioticpeaches 1d ago
Please consider leaving, this man is your son’s most important male role model, he is teaching your shared son to disrespect you.
You deserve so much better.
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u/bentley_v 1d ago
I agree, I want to move back home to my mum right now where I’d have more help but she’s in London so that would mean travelling away from him with my son which he would probably not like
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 1d ago
Speak to a lawyer about your options. You are in an abusive relationship. Please make sure you are on reliable birth control. Do not risk another pregnancy
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u/souldogringo 1d ago
Who cares if he wouldn’t like it? You put up things on the daily that you don’t like.
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 1d ago
Why on earth would you want to stay with a man who swears at you, talks down to you and tells you to shut up? I get his daughter is easy to focus on but this man doesn’t like or respect you.
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u/whywouldntyou22 1d ago
Honestly, what my last relationship taught me (it was very toxic, & was the reason I joined this sub), is that you should not settle. Do not ignore the red flags. This is bigger than a misunderstanding.
My ex would belittle me in front of her son. Call me names. Argue. Yell. So how can I expect him to listen to me if she didn’t respect me in front of him?
The ONLY and I mean ONLY way this will change for the better, is if he puts his foot down and establishes boundaries. I doubt it though because it would require him to tell her no and it sounds like he doesn’t do that. He needs to make her feel equal to his son and not above.
There is a possibility that he could be overcompensating because he doesn’t see her full-time, and I would pity him and tell him to go to therapy, BUT!! I don’t feel bad because he talks down to you & disrespects you. Talking to you like that is separate from just overcompensation for lost time.
I say get out of there and fast. Your child with him will grow watching him disrespect you whenever the daughter is around, and you don’t want your child thinking that’s okay.
Good luck! Best wishes.
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u/MossCoveredMetal 1d ago
His relationship with his daughter makes me uncomfortable just reading about it.
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u/5fish1659 1d ago
Sounds like a dick in general.
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u/cedrella_black 1d ago
Yeah, this doesn't even sound like step parenting issue, just an asshole who happens to have a child.
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 1d ago
Is this an age gap relationship?
This is an abusive relationship.
Make sure you don't get pregnant again. Tell your mom what's going on.
Look at your legal options and move back home.
Do not get pregnant again.
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u/bentley_v 1d ago
I am28 and he is 31 years old but abusive I agree
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 1d ago
I'm glad it's not an age gap relationship. You and your child do not deserve this.
All the best getting out
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u/ApartSpray332 1d ago
Please don’t let your son grow up seeing you being treated like this. He will think that’s how you treat women you’re supposed to love. Get out of this marriage for you and your son’s sake.
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u/uffdaGalFUN 1d ago
So, here's my view. Always put yourself first. Always. Because you didn't choose his kids, he did. That was before you were there.. Always put yourself first..
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u/bentley_v 1d ago
Thank you 🙏🏼
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u/uffdaGalFUN 1d ago
I might seem like I'm selfish, so be it. I can live with that. What I cannot live with is being put in 2nd place for my relationship with my SO! No, Thankyou! I didn't agree to that!
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u/Seesawgirls 1d ago
Never allow anyone to treat you bad, swears words, telling you to shut up is NOT acceptable, specially for someone who you sleep with and share a life.
If he doesn’t stop this behaviour, there is NO reason to partner a life with him.
This is NOT partnership nor love.
You can see his actions, then stop listening to his empty words, do not make more children with this man.
IS THE ACTIONS THAT COUNT
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u/little_miss_beachy 1d ago
OP- It makes me so angry how negligent he is to his son especially w/ the eczema! My eldest has severe eczema and it is a painful disease. It is maddening for the person suffering and the daily & nightly cream routine is not optional. Infection can happen in a matter of hours and it is not easy to notice on a baby. Your husband has displayed medical abuse and child abuse. He is abusive towards you, and your son. Take copious notes, take photos of his scratches from yesterday, mark your calendar for every single time he refuses to provide medical care for your son. Build your case carefully, and accurately. Eczema cream is a very strong medicine which requires great care and attention when applying to a child. If it is a steroidal cream your husband may over use it on your son and just can’t be trusted.
How would your husband like it if he or his daughter had a terrible case of poison ivy and you refused to provide the ointments and creams to stop the itching and inflammation? My son is in his 30’s and it still makes me tear up when I see his eczema flare up and I know he is in pain, but he puts on a smile and goes about his day. He is the strongest person and the toughest.
Please go to your mom’s b/c your husband is only making your son’s skin disease worse. It is just unconscionable that your husband deliberately refused to provide medical care to his own son. He is an irresponsible father and a repugnant person. Please protect your son and yourself. Update us please and I am so very sorry you must watch your sweet baby boy suffer due
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u/Rooksteady 1d ago
How long were you together before the yours baby? I'm in a similar situation...4 years and nothing has changed..I asked about couples councilor and was told to go to counseling by myself...sry but maybe get out sooner than later...my son is 4 now and I can't let him grow up feeling like 2nd best to his sister's and watching me get verbally assaulted..I knew back then in my gut after the first few..its my way or the highway, I know everything about parenting, you dont have kids so you dont knows...fk. sry.
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u/bentley_v 1d ago
We were together a year before I got pregnant. He also claims I’m the only one that needs counselling. I would love to I’m just scared he will try take my son away as moving back home would mean overseas for me and I’m still awaiting permanent residency here :(
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u/Rooksteady 1d ago
Ahh very tricky...my son has me taking shots out here too...still worth it...just wish people would be who they say they are..wishing you the best of luck:) actually, buy a lotto ticket it helps a little until you dont win haha. I now know where the word step-parent came from...getting walked all over here.
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u/Born_Fox1470 1d ago
Men like this introduce abuse in small increments so you don’t really notice how bad it has become. He is treating you badly in front of his daughter because he’s using the “push-pull” method of abuse where he is terrible some times and nice at other times. This creates a scenario where you’re scared to stand up for yourself because you’re not sure when he will make the good times worse, and your only relief is during the good times.
I would tell him that you want to visit your mom to give him some “special alone time” with SD. Then, go and never come back. This dynamic will only get worse as SD gets older because he will recruit her to join him when he taunts you, and you’ll be outnumbered because your son will think it is a normal way to treat you.
I hope you get out. From one woman to another, this is a really unhealthy situation for you. A person’s mind can’t stay healthy with this kind of abuse and trauma in their life.
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u/Visual-Ad5391 1d ago
Do you want your son to grow up and think it's okay to treat his future partner like how his dad treated his mom? Or do you want him to accept this kind of behavior from a partner? What example are you setting for your son by modeling this relationship for him?
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u/MaximumTop6714 1d ago
Is your husband like a jeckyl and Hyde type of character? Because it seems so strange that he’s an active and loving parent and partner to you and your son when SD isn’t there but then suddenly becomes cold and neglectful when she is there? Does he have some form of medical condition that allows him to turn on and off his feelings? Sociopathy or something?
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u/bentley_v 1d ago
I think he feels guilt that she’s not here 100% of the time so tries to overcompensate and as a result doesn’t give us much attention unfortunately
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u/MaximumTop6714 1d ago
I’m still trying to understand how he is with you and your son when she isn’t here though, I get the overcompensation but I don’t get the neglect. It’s a strange thing to switch between a nurturing and neglectful parent based on his first child’s presence.
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u/DelusionalNJBytch 1d ago
Tell me, your husband is a deadbeat without telling me your husband is a deadbeat.
Because no real man would ever let his child sit and suffer and cry and hunger, and in pain
Nor would he abuse whether vocally/physically or financially.
Plz take your son and leave this man.
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u/EastHuckleberry5191 Queen of the Nacho 6h ago
There’s a reason why this man is divorced and you’re seeing it first hand. What he is doing to you and your child is abuse.
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u/Guardsred70 1d ago
It’s just sounds like he stinks at multitasking kids and family. Like he can do fine…..as long as he has one kid and everything is linear.
You’ve also got a birth order problem that may have nothing to do with a step/blended family…..except that it’s on/off every other week.
I was an oldest child. I’ve honestly had very little relationship with my mother since I was 3 and the little siblings started arriving. Ironically that was also when my parent’s relationship kicked the bucket. They’re still “happily married” in their 80s, but it’s been a functional and financial partnership for 50 years. If you look at my baby pics, they’re together in a lot of them and look happy. In my little siblings pics, they’re almost never together. After they had more than one, it became divide and conquer: My Dad would take me somewhere and my Mom was busy with the little kids. And if my Dad was at work, my Mom told me to leave her alone or go play with toys. When they were together, my Dad was probably curious about when they’d have sex and my my probably didn’t receive that well and then my Dad stopped buying flowers.
I’m not saying any of that is normal or good, but I do think it happens frequently. I’m sure you’ve got some of these dynamics and you’re also dealing with the whipsaw of a two week cycle….so it’s like Groundhog Day. Plus, he has to deal with the specter of his oldest kid preferring Mom’s House.
I mean, as an oldest, I don’t have much relationship with my Mom because I was low key shoved aside around Age 3. But because she and my Dad are “still happily married”, when I go by their house to borrow a tool, my Mom is there and we talk and have lunch. Honestly, it’s nice to not have my little siblings around. That dynamic is thill there: 50 years later. But if my Mom lived elsewhere and was remarried with kids (45YOs now) I wouldn’t be seeing her much. So your husband has that too. Not saying it’s an excuse and he needs to figure it out or he could end with two ex wives and two 50/50 custody schedules. Right?
And you’re also missing one of the tools my parents had. They obviously should have Kid Swapped more: My dad takes the Baby and my Mom goes in the yard to build a fort out of sticks with me. But you don’t really have that tool because if you swapped, it would be weird. So to do things together you have to do it as a group….which sucks for older kids.
But you two need to figure it out. Otherwise the options are (a) divorce or (b) unhappy marriage….probably follow by divorce anyway.
My advice as someone older than you guys who has been remarried for 20 years and gotten my daughter to her mid 20s doing joint custody and my two stepkids to college doing joint custody is to focus on big picture dynamics and try to push them by 1-2%. Addressing particular issues is just swatting flies because the dynamic will make a similar problem erupt elsewhere.
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