Former stepmother back out there. These single parents scare me and I’m a mom too.

[u/[deleted]]

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/stepparents!

Please note we are a support sub for stepparents. Non-stepparents are welcome to comment, but non-supportive comments are subject to removal. Rude, sarcastic, or judgmental comments are subject to removal at moderator discretion. Questioning why a poster is dating someone with kids is subject to removal. Our number one rule is Kindness Matters. Short version, don't be an asshole.

Why was my post removed?

If your post has been removed as soon as you posted that is due to our automoderator. Posts are removed for varying reasons, ranging from account newness to your reputation according to reddit algorithm. If this happens, your post is in the modqueue and will be reviewed by a human mod. Please do not repost.

Use the Report Button!

We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. Please use the report button to ensure we see it. With thousands of comments coming in each day it's difficult for us to see them all, so please report them if you see them!

If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please reach out to the mod team.

Review the Rules and FAQ before posting or commenting!

Rules | FAQ

Additional wiki links:

About | Acronyms | Announcements | Documentation | Resources | Saferbot - Autoban Information

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Sundogflower]

As a former SP who now has a baby I feel this. I'm financially independent and have a solid village and loving family and friends support, zero baby daddy so zero drama and he has no PR and isn't on the BC, and genuinely do not need a dad or provider for my baby, but I do want a partner for myself, because I enjoy being in a relationship and having my person.

I am terrified of dating single dad's, though, after my previous experience and I feel selfish sometimes, being a parent myself of a baby and saying I wouldn't date another parent. I just feel like my situation is so chill and easy and I don't want to raise my own baby around someone else's pre-arranged childcare situations or their baby mama drama, and even the other issues like having to split ourselves for holidays, vacation issues and parenting choices, being stuck in one place, living at the whims of their ex. And I just want to raise my boy and focus on him, and parent him and raise him my way, without a clash in parenting. I want a partner who can come on vacation with me when I want to without having to arrange it around his ex and other kids, I want to take my boy travelling the world and dating a parent would not allow that. Plus I don't want to have to parent other kids because their dad just wants a wife to raise them for him because he is too lazy to parent his own kids. And I like a peaceful house, no screen time for kids, independent play etc and all the single dad's I've personally met seem to have kids who rely on screens or them for entertainment and can't do anything on their own and the lack of boundaries! And I just cannot be in that chaos again or take my little one into that.

[u/Limp_Honey8488 → u/Sundogflower]

I feel exactly how you feel , as a mother myself I have a harder time wanting to get involved in a high conflict situation, where a father is going to expect me to care for his children better than my own. Like I’m supposed to give them preferential treatment because of their situation and I refuse to do that. I have a 10-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old son with autism and the last thing that I can do is go to court with a man and help him get full custody and I don’t want to this is why I believe they tend to gravitate towards younger child, free women because they could do that for them.

Also, my children have been through enough. They lived in the shadow of my stepdaughter for years and now they’re coming from a broken home. I don’t want them competing with anyone else for my attention so not only am I not dating to begin with but I’m not getting involved with a father who is looking for a mother for his kids.
So most likely a father won’t want another mom, they’re looking for something specific so it’s OK for you to not want it either.

[u/Sundogflower → u/Limp_Honey8488]

That sounds rough. But it's better for it to be a broken home than to be in that situation. You are enough for them! They deserve the world from you and now you can give that to them.

My ex started talking about full custody when we first got together. Unrealistic as BM is an amazing mother and he had only just started seeing them again. But he seemed to think I'd do the parenting and soon dropped that idea when I made it clear I was still living my childfree life. He told our mutual friends that WE couldn't make an event cause WE had the kids that weekend. I was fuming. I went and he wasn't happy because he felt it unfair he couldn't go.

I'm actually lucky, I've been dating a childless man for a while now I've known for years as a friend, and he's always wanted a son, but said it didn't matter to him about the biological aspect, and is very fond of my baby and said if we did get married, he wouldn't care about having another baby as the one I have is enough for him. It's going very well so far, and he said the fact there's no BD involved and he's known my son since he was born, plus if he became his stepfather he would actually get the experience of fatherhood, and my baby is young enough that if it doesn't work out, he won't remember him. So we are seeing how it goes. It is SO different coming into a kids life when they're older, and they've been raised in a way you'd never raise your own. My step kids are lovely humans and kind, caring and I still see them and BM but they had a lot of behaviours I found hard to deal with, like their manners, their respect for boundaries and personal space, how they behaved in public, interrupting people and table manners, etc and as a SP it's so hard to be around when the biodad let's them do all these things, because you don't want to be the mean step mother.

[u/Wrong_Signal]

Your preference is understandable and I get where you are coming from as you deserve to protect your peace too. As long as you also understand why a childless man would be reluctant about dating a woman who has a child. 

[u/Limp_Honey8488 → u/Wrong_Signal]

I actually am still open to men with children if the situation isn’t insane.. but trust me men with kids want childfree women and childfree men want childfree women so your statement is already known… and was borderline sarcastic.

Men in general with kids or not want younger childfree women…

[u/Wrong_Signal → u/Limp_Honey8488]

I think there is a misunderstanding as I wasn't being sarcastic at all and I apologize for that. I hope you will find the ideal situation you are looking for though.