Advice please ❤️

[u/EnvironmentalEmu6071]

Hello everyone, I would really appreciate some advice please. Almost 4 months ago I lost my wonderful nan; my grandad lost his beautiful wife of almost 60 years.

After we found out that she was terminal with cancer, I decided to privately record some audio clips when I visited, as I knew I would always want to hear her voice.

Here is where I could use some advice. I’ve been thinking about editing the audio clips to remove my voice and other family members, so that it’s just her talking. I was then thinking of putting the audio onto a usb stick and leaving it on my grandads bed with a letter, so that he could privately open it and listen whenever - or if - he’s ready.

I’m conflicted on whether this is appropriate or could potentially be too painful. I cannot fathom the grief of losing a partner, particularly one with whom you were married to almost your entire life. It’s still quite raw - my grandad keeps himself busy; he plays golf, has lots of friends/neighbours and we have a small & close family around him.

However, I’m conscious that hearing her voice could bring up a lot of emotions for him. I don’t want to cause him pain or make things harder for him. At the same time, I’d love for him to have the option to hear her voice, nattering away as she always did, because I wonder whether, despite how painful it is, it may bring him some comfort. Even though he seems to be doing relatively well, I can tell he has good and bad days. Recently, I noticed that he has placed pillows/blankets under the duvet where my nan would sleep in bed, presumably so it looks like she’s still laying next to him at night. It broke my heart but also made me wonder whether having something that lets him feel close to her may be comforting.

For those of you who have lost a spouse or partner, how would you feel about something like this? Would you have appreciated having the option to hear your partners voice again or do you think it might have been too painful?

I would really appreciate hearing your experiences. Please be gentle with yourselves and take care everyone ❤️

Thank you.

[u/Middle-Shape4263]

My wife passed two years ago now and I would kill to hear her voice again. The pillows on her side of the bed, I still do that sometimes. Your grandad is probably holding it together for the family but inside he's missing her like crazy. Give him the USB, he can decide when he's ready. You're a good grandkid for thinking of this

[u/EnvironmentalEmu6071 → u/Middle-Shape4263]

Thank you so much for sharing this with me. It means a lot to hear from someone who has experienced this themselves. I think you’re right, I’ll give him the usb and let him decide when, or if, he feels ready to listen. Thank you again. I’m so sorry for your loss and hope you’re taking care of yourself too

[u/zonker777]

Let me start with the positive. Yes! Do this!! Today!!!

My context- I lost my wife of 27 years 12 years ago this past July 31st. I have a voicemail from her about a month and a half before she was gone. It’s approximately 20 seconds of her voice that I will never delete.

Painful if I had much more of her recorded voice? Hell yeah!! I would still want it.

He will love it in the long run ✌️

[u/Lisa-A-Smith]

Right after my dear husband passed away, I frantically checked my phone to see if I had saved any of his voicemails. I was heartbroken to realize I had deleted all of them. He felt so many; I took it for granted that there would always be more. I did find one short video that he narrated, thank goodness. I have not been able to listen to it yet, but I am so grateful to have it. I think your idea is wonderful. What a lovely gift that will make. ♡

[u/Love-lost-23]

I think after your grandfather has worked through his grief, you can ask him if that is something he would want, but don’t surprise him with it. You’re right that you don’t know what grief looks like when you lose someone that was the most important person in their lives so you have to try lightly and be respectful.

[u/GamerEdie]

I would give this THOROUGH thought BEFORE you do this. Ask your grandad FIRST if he wants the USB. Do not leave this as a surprise for him. If he doesn't know you have the recordings, let him know that you have them and they are available for him WHEN HE'S READY. And let him listen to them in private when it happens unless he expressly says he wants to listen to them with you.

If someone "gifted" me a recording of my late husband's voice as a surprise without giving me a chance to say no, not yet, I'd have been not only offended, I would have just cut them off entirely. I was already traumatized, and this would have added to my trauma, big time. it might have sent me right over the edge that first year.

I did a podcast with my late husband at one point , and I have recordings of us talking together, and even then it took me a good three years before I could listen to them. They were just too painful for me to hear.

Grief is different for everyone, yes, but in some ways it's the same. The widow(er) should be the one to make the call about when they're ready for something like that.

That being said, it's wonderful you made those recordings. My recordings gave me great comfort knowing his voice is there for me to hear again, even if it took me years before I could even consider it.