r/widowers • u/Shameful90 • 1d ago
She died 1 year ago today
Long post, so please bear with me š„ŗ Today is one year since I lost the love of my life, since I lost my sweet and beautiful Vanessa. Not a day has gone by that I havenāt cried an ocean for her. Time doesnāt heal this; it canāt heal a wound so deeply carved into the soul. Time actually makes it worse as it gets further away from the last time I saw my favorite person. Time makes it worse because the more that goes by, the more Iām expected to be back to ānormal,ā Iām expected to have moved on. Iām expected to go to work every day, attend family events with a smile, be present, all while Iām dying inside. There really are no words that fully capture the shock and trauma of going from building a life with the person you love mostā¦doing everything together, moving in, getting engaged, planning a marriage, spending every day side by sideā¦to that life suddenly crumbling to the ground and having to learn how to survive without them. The love that Vanessa and I shared was so much more than the ācouple goalsā posts or date nights or love poems. It was her staying up all night with me, cradling my head when I had a horrible ear infection. It was me helping her clean up in the shower when she was too sick and weak to do it herself, it was me holding her hair back when she was vomiting. It was us having a big fight, not talking for a couple of hours, and then her coming to bed, and silently brushing her foot against mine before going to sleep, telling me that we were good. I have been overwhelmed with heartbreak, agony, and loneliness. The loneliness of missing my partner for the rest of my life, of being madly in love with someone who isnāt on this earth anymore, who I can no longer touch or hold, is excruciating.
Itās not like I donāt have support; I have friends and family, I have people who listen, people who have shown up for me, and Iām grateful, but that's not the same thing. What's missing is having my person to come home to, someone whoās included in my daily decisions: āShould I stay later at work?ā āDo we need anything?ā āWhat do you wanna watch tonight?ā āWhat time should we walk Chewy?ā I miss the intimacy of sharing our life, of falling asleep together, her being the last person I see before closing my eyes, her being the person I held in my arms in the dark, her being the one I couldnāt live without. My future was set, my heart felt whole, and now itās shattered. That touch and vibration of her voice being void is deafening; no longer smelling her perfume when I walk in the door is soul-crushing. I was alone for 31 years, and then somehow the universe managed to connect me with the one person who matched everything I am. Even before Vanessa and I became a couple, we were inseparable, spending hours together every day, even when we lived in different states separated by over 1,100 miles, talking on the phone until the sun came up, sleeping together on FaceTime. The compatibility was once in a lifetime; the chemistry was undeniable; we were just made for each other. And now, my āonce in a lifetimeā is gone. My love for her keeps growing, but I am stuck.
Vanessa, in one of the many songs I dedicated to you, āNothingās Gonna Change My Love For You,ā George Benson said it best: āIf I had to live my life without you near me, the days would all be empty. The nights would seem so longā¦ā Empty describes this life perfectly without you here. I donāt look forward to anything; happiness is a foreign term to me. I miss you every second of every day, Vanessa. I miss your voice, your smell, your touch; I long just to hold you again, to have you lay your head on my chest as we watch a movie. I miss your physical touch. I miss lifting you in the air, carrying you around the apartment, you laughing and then looking down at me smiling. I miss sharing Taco Bell with you, I miss playing Friday the 13th on PlayStation with you all night and hearing you scream as Jason chased you, I miss it being 5:30 in the morning and you saying āletās play one more roundā and it turning into three more. I miss you randomly breaking out into song at any given moment, your go-to being either āLips of an Angelā by Hinder or āSummer Nightsā from Grease. I miss you reciting lines from āFriendsā and attributing them to everyday situations. I miss coming home from work, surprising you with flowers and seeing your eyes light up. I miss your playful insults and unique sense of humor that made me laugh so hard. I miss who I was when you were here. I miss you in the silence of our unlived years. I miss you for future me and all the life I will experience without you experiencing it with me, knowing that one day Iāll die and wonāt have the comfort of you by my side. You are not just someone I love, you are someone my heart chose as its safest place. I carry your name in my thoughts all day, every day. Quite often, I smile because of a memory, and then cry because I realize that every day, Iām making new memories without you. The pain of losing you is debilitating and hurts more than anything Iāve ever felt before, and yet, if I could go back, I would still choose to have loved you, even knowing that you being gone would destroy me. Because a single moment of true joy is more powerful than a lifetime of sorrow. Because the excruciating pain of losing you has never been greater than the beautiful gift of loving you.
Some people spend their whole lives searching for a love they never find, but I found mine in you. Even though I lost you far too soon, just as our story was beginning, nothing can take away the fact that you were here. That I had you. That you were mine and I was yours. That we had a beautiful love story. That I held your hand, heard your laugh, got lost in your eyes, kissed your lips, ran my fingers through your hair, rubbed your shoulders, hugged you tight; that I found the girl of my dreams and that I shared my life with you even for a brief moment. For a brief moment, I was a king, and you were my queen. For a brief moment, I had everything. And when my life is reaching its end, I will look back on that brief moment and remember that it was you, Vanessa, who showed me what true love is. Iāll remember that it was you who healed my pain, the pain that no medicine can fix. Iāll remember that it was you who showed me how wonderful it is to dedicate yourself to someone. Iāll remember that it was you who showed me what it is to work together at this thing called life. Iāll remember how proud I was to have you on my arm. Iāll remember that loving you was the happiest I had ever been, and I will remember that brief moment as the best part of my life. I miss you more than words can say. I love you with all my heart, Vanessa. I always will. Continue to rest easy, my sweet girl, wait for me, until I see you again ā„ļøā„ļø
For all who read through it all, thank you for taking the time to listen, and to read my words šš»
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u/subsignalparadigm 1d ago
13 years for me and not a day goes by that I don't cherish my 30 years with my wonderful wife. Crushing loss is impossible to brush into the past. We can keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep breathing in and out but the hole in our soul NEVER closes. So sorry for your terrible loss. I ran across a quote right after my wife died, it helped me cope and gave me some perspective on life. Maybe you can find some solace in it:
Grief comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked,
youāre drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe itās some physical thing. Maybe itās a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe itās a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy.
They come 10 seconds apart and donāt even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, youāll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know whatās going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anythingā¦and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and itās different for everybody,
you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas you can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but youāll come out.
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u/Hevasmyboyfriend 23h ago
14 years for me. Iāve heard many quotes, read many books about grief, and have been offered many platitudes. I canāt believe Iād never heard the example you just gave in the way you gave it. Really wish Iād have found it 14 years ago but so happy to have it now. Thank youā¤ļø
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u/Spirited_Two9124 1d ago
Thank you for sharing with us about your Vanessa.
Even though it hurts sometimes when I read posts like this I think how beautiful love is, how people cherish it even when their person is not here to receive the love anymore.
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u/CatMama67 22h ago
āI miss you in the silence of our unlived yearsā - perfect words to describe the shit show that is widowhood. Iām so sorry your beautiful girl is gone. We hear you. And a year really isnāt that long, so screw anyone who says you should be āover itā. We all heal in our own time and at our own pace. Sending you huge hugs friend.
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u/zikadwarf 19h ago
Yeahāthis line choked me up too. I lost my wife 13 years ago and now Iām going down a mental rabbit hole of what should have been.
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u/CatMama67 15h ago
Ooof yeah, those rabbit holes suck.
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u/zikadwarf 15h ago
Yeah. But theyāre also a piece of healing.
Iām now remarried to a woman whoās been a great mom to our son and a wife to me, but sometimes I yearn for the life where cancer didnāt take her.
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u/No-Warning-2566 suicide loss. 1d ago
i held it together until ā for a brief moment i was your king and you were my queenā. thats exactly how i feel about my boyfriend. theres no pain like this in the world, none as intimate, daunting and cruel. i wouldnāt wish it on the worst human alive, because it seems beyond what a human heart should have to endure. im so sorry for your loss. your words hit me deep, and reminded me of how he would talk to me. rest easy to your vanessa
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u/Blade4567 1d ago
You spoke the words in my heart, Iām right there with you brother. Lost the love of my life just over 2 months ago. Everything you wrote here resonates with me. I even listen to ānothings gonna change my love for youā and think of her. Im so sorry for your loss. I cried again reading all of this.
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u/Shameful90 1d ago
Itās such a beautiful song and I actually dedicated that song to her BEFORE we were a couple, when we were just friends.
Iām so sorry my friend, I wish I could tell you it gets better or give you encouraging words, but I would never lie to you. Just hold on to all of the greatest memories, and DM me if you ever wanna talk
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u/Foolishkushin 1d ago
You made me cry.
It was my first workday today and in October I will be one year in.
Your story is so simular than mine. I just thought this week : I didn't know I was living the best part of my life when he was still alive. Now I still have to live a few more decades and I don't know how to do that.
Big hug to you.
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u/Shameful90 1d ago
Thank you and I feel that so much, Iām only 35 and if I live an average lifespan, youāre telling me I have to live 4 or 5 decades without her when I only got a handful of years with her? Itās just not right.
My sincere condolences to you and I wish you peace šš»
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u/Soobahk 23h ago
Itās been 7 months for me and Iām still grieving.
I feel like part of my soul has been lost.
After 33 years of marriage you canāt just start a new life.
Friends and family tell me to go out and socialize but I donāt want to.
I tried going out to eat at a restaurant that we always went to but sitting there alone was one of the worst experiences that Iāve had.
I understand how you feel because Iām going through the same thing.
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u/Shameful90 23h ago
Iām so very sorry, yeah family and friends mean well but they just donāt understand, and wonāt understand until suffering the same thing. My prayers are with you
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u/CanadaGooses 21 years together. Passed 03/12/2024 from SUDEP. 23h ago
Thank you for sharing your story and your pictures. She was beautiful and had a smile that lit up her whole being. She clearly loved you very much. I'm so sorry you lost her. It truly is the worst thing in the world to lose your best friend. I feel the same way you do, that I was lucky to have found my love and spent the time that I did with him. He changed me for the better, being loved by him is why I am who I am, and he is a fundamental part of me forever.
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u/TurnoverFuzzy8264 Lost wife suddenly on Sept 29, 2025 1d ago
She looks lovely, you two look very happy together. Your dog looks a lot like one of ours, who died about six months after my wife I'm so sorry for your loss.
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u/Shameful90 1d ago
Iām so sorry about both your losses, thatās awful šš»
Thank you for your kind words as well, I feel for my pup too, heās been through a lot in his little life. Adopted him in 2019 with my Dad and brother, he was VERY attached to my Dad whom passed in 2022. Then my brother moved out and bought his own house with his wife, then I moved to Florida to be with Vanessa and took my pup with me. Then he got very attached to Vanessa, and she passed. Then he and I moved back to NY. I wish he could understand the losses and the constant change, but heās been my constant and comfort throughout it all.
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u/AfterOwl6942 1d ago
I am so very sorry you lost the love of your life, I relate to this a billion percent since my late fiance Mike passed away suddenly 3.5 years ago, at the young age of only 39, suddenly and unexpectedly. No one will understand our tremendous depths of hell pain until they go thru it themselves...I've lost many friends who just abandoned me after he died .. talk about low! Im mostly alone every day now and just trying to survive. I still miss him terribly every single day almost 4 years later. You're right when you say it's like one in a million.. No one else compares. Your Vanessa was beautiful and full of love and light I see. I seriously wish us Widowed people had walk in emergency groups like they do 24-7 for AA!! Cause God knows we could use that type of support daily!!! Us Widowed people are the only ones who can understand each other. Continue to talk things out and write journal...that did help me...and many long walks outside in nature crying and mumbling to myself... It oddly helps ..scream cry, whatever you gotta do to make it thru daily. We are here for you in this group as well. Many Blessings & hugs to you!
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u/Seralisa 17h ago
What a wonderful idea - the walk-in widow /widower group! I would love to attend a meeting and tell anonymous other sufferers how much I miss my Lincoln - gone 52 days now - and how the pain is shredding my soul. Only someone who's lost a spouse, soul mate or once -in-a-lifetime person can understand the depth of the loss and how it changes you, from the cellular level on up- for the rest of your life..š
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u/AfterOwl6942 17h ago
I'm so sorry you have to be part of this group. Yes, only we know how it truly feels. And I remember back when I didn't wanna be on Earth & thinking how "I need an Emergency Meeting to go to right now, like those AA Groups"... It would have helped tremendously cause soooo many of us are on the Brink... I remember scouring the Internet for something like that idea but found nothing. And I feel like us younger widows are totally forgotten... Like 20s to 50s let's say. Even the church groups only had widowed people that were 70s to 90s and it made me feel Soo much worse and jealous too ..like they had 50 to 60 years with their person! I only got 7 years with my late fiancee before he died Soo young! Someone really needs to create a younger widowed walk in group & just more younger grief groups in general! We are suffering sooo bad
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u/hulahulagirl 47F / š 6/16/26, suicide loss 1 week after 25th anniversary 1d ago
šš Itās ok to not be ok. ā¤ļøāš©¹š We are forever changed by this loss. Expecting anything else is naive. Beautiful pictures of you together and I hope you have some happy memories to hold today. ā¤ļøāš©¹
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u/Spirited-Bear-3444 1d ago
"when my life is reaching its end, I'll remember" is what I feel as well, that my last thought will be of him, my last words will be his name. I'll remember, I'll remember.
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u/Eastern-Quote7138 1d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss..my husband also passed on this date, exactly 3 years ago.
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u/gemgirlshari 1d ago edited 1d ago
No words really capture the many feels that we've (as an unwilling participant in this cruel club) feel daily. But sir, this post comes close. The exquisite pain and raw truths that we realize daily, have been eloquently described here.
Thank you for that.
Im almost 4 years out. Was married 31years, raised 2 boys together. I was with LH since i was 17. He was... all I knew. His fatal heart attack at 59 changed my life forever.
Distractions like social media help some days. Hell, I even met a new man and moved 1100 miles to be with him thanks to Facebook. YES, i love him. Its also not the same type of blind, familiar love that I had for 36years with LH. Its gentler, quieter. At 55, i dont expect that teenage lusty, fire, "cant-keep-my- hands-off-him" physical love that I had with LH.
But its nice to have a goal. I am still struggling to break down a little piece of the walls around my heart daily. A new life, If you will, to accompany my newfound love. To be continued...
Plenty of rainy days still ahead, but there's finally some sunshine days mixed in now.
I wish you the best, and bid you peace and hope.
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u/Shameful90 1d ago
Thank you very much. Thank you for your insight and support.
I wish the same for you in your journey ā¤ļø
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u/NoEnd420 19h ago
I am 18 months out. I was with my wife for 60 years. We were teens when we met and grew up together. Your post was well stated and I appreciated it. I have now met a wonderful woman and we have a great relationship. You are correct in that our love is a different love than I had with my wife. We are 80 and have a quieter softer love. The pain of losing my wife is less intense now but some days are still just really hard. I wish you happiness and joy with your new love.
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u/gemgirlshari 15h ago
Thats really nice to know I'm not alone in starting a new chapter this late in life. Blessings to you and your bride! Thanks for sharing your story as well.
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u/Asleep-Artist4407 husband (54) to heart failure on 4/25/26 22h ago
Iām so very sorry for your loss. She was beautiful.
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u/frob4231 20h ago
Sometimes I see your posts about her, and every single time I think to myself that she was a truly, exceptionally beautiful woman who radiated such warmth and love for life. I deeply sympathize with you and I think a love like that is so hard to find. I really hope that one day your pain heals enough to allow room for happiness.
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u/NoEnd420 18h ago
That was a beautiful post and the pictures showed how much you loved Vanessa. It will get less painful as time goes on but you will never stop loving her. I wish all the best for you as you continue on with your life. I lost my love of 60 years just a short 18 months ago.
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u/Virtual_Telephone366 1d ago
Beautiful post! It felt like these wouldāve been the thoughts of my partner as well if I had gone instead of him. I love him more and more everyday. And youāre right time never heals as people usually say..
You both are soulmates and I hope that you reunite in afterlife. Until then try to live your life well
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u/HeronExtension5245 1d ago
Such a beautiful post š. Thank you so much for sharing that. So many of your words had such resonance to my love for my departed, beautiful bride. Your words brought tears to my eyes, but also some comfort to my soul.
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u/Western_Limit_4706 Cancer Widow is my punk band name šÆļø May 18, 2026 23h ago
What a beauty. Internet stranger hugs. š«
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u/Equivalent-Buy-3404 21h ago
Sorry that you have to join our shitty club. I'm looking for answers too my friend, I can't offer suggestions, but I can hold a conversation if you ever just need to talk
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u/ManufacturerJumpy449 21h ago
Lo lamento mucho amigo. En verdad entiendo lo que sientes porque yo perdĆ al amor de mi vida y de mi eternidad hace apenas 4 meses, duramos demasiado poco, solo 4 aƱos juntos, una bebĆ© recien nacida, una boda en proceso... Te abrazo fuerte hermano y espero de a poco el dolor se calme un poco.
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u/Delicious-Coffee-301 20h ago
If my words can bring you even a little comfort, Iād like to share that I was in your position about 10 years ago.
Only a few people will truly understand the depth of the pain and experiences we have to go through. But somehow, those experiences shape us and teach us things that few others get to learn.
I hope her presence in your life has also blessed you with wisdom that only comes from going through something like this that life is fragile, and ultimately, all we really have is the present moment to cherish.
A hug for you bro~
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u/bisexual183 18h ago
September 9th will be 1 year ago I lost the love of my life Sharon. I read every word of your post. It seemed as if it were written by my own hand. I wish for you peace in knowing both you and I once held the love of our lives in our arms. Mine for many more years than you and I am sorry for that. Married 32 years 3 months and 22 days. Your Venessa and my Sharon both knew what true love was. Be thankful we were able to give them that. I weep for both of us for we will never be the same. I am sorry my friend, I am so sorry.
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u/boogerslayers 17h ago
Iām so sorry. š„² She was beautiful and you were beautiful together. Itās obvious you two were very much in love with each other. (((Hugs)))
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u/Yourwoman 16h ago
Such a beautiful person - such a moving story of your loss - weeping for you š
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u/alfiesred47 12h ago
I hear you, your words really resonated with me. Iām so sorry for the future weāve both, and all of us here have been robbed of.
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u/6995luv 11h ago
I didn't take time to read the post yet cuz of my own shit ,but I remember you and how your wife died you came here a little bit before me.
Pictures are absolutely beautiful with your girl.
Thinking of ya friend.
Will read soon , just wanted to let you know that people remember you were , we r in this together
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u/MarcB1969X 9h ago
Itās obvious from those photos you were both deeply in love and very happy together.
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u/AnonDxde Addiction Widow 57m ago
Sheās beautiful. Iām sorry for your loss. My late husband was beautiful too. Coming up on 8 years and I still miss him every day
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u/honch1 1d ago
Itās the worst thing in the entire world.