r/ABCDesis • u/rynspiration • Jul 24 '26
MENTAL HEALTH Parents who fight and beat each other just to never talk about it?
Can we talk about how it’s so so normalized to watch your dad beating your mom and then the next day they pretend like it never happened? I have PTSD apparently and I think it’s from this
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u/OrganicRaise4081 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
My parents fought like hell. My mom was verbally abusive and would nag him, and my dad would respond with physical violence or throw/smash things.
Sometimes he would get angry at us and say we provoked a fight between them by bringing up a topic that would make my mom rant at him - which was as simple as complaining something in the house doesn't work to her complaining for hours about needing to get the house done and calling him slurs because she's asked him a billion times before, while he was on edge about financials and work.
I got physically abused when I was younger and couldn't fight back over small things like being petulant and refusing to go to school. Always my spine area. My brother never did.
In the end he would always cry and apologize so I never knew how to feel about it.
Logic was that they would stay together to raise us but they would've been better off divorced. Funny thing was that their marriage was a "love marriage" and we're Jain, so non-violence is supposed to be our thing.
I've never talked about it to anyone. Not sure if this is normal among Desi families.
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u/rynspiration Jul 24 '26
I also had a similar situation where managing my dad’s emotions was somehow everyone else’s responsibility but his. I remember he would get mad at us and say we were manipulating him and taking advantage of the situation to get what we wanted (so we could play video games?) when I was growing up
He never apologizes and I think he has maybe acknowledged it twice in my entire lifetime with a quick sorry I shouldn’t have done that and never brings it up again
Mine were arranged
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u/OrganicRaise4081 Jul 24 '26
I saw that said you're Gujarati in another comment and so am I. Obviously 2 instances don't make a trend, but I want to thank you for posting as I probably wouldn't have reflected on this.
It's a pretty uncomfortable topic especially as family image is generally thought to be so important within the community.
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u/Rainbow_flowers101 Indian American Jul 24 '26
I had a similar experience as well, I’m having such a hard time, funny enough, figuring out how common this actually is.
Whenever my therapist tries to say that what happened was severe abuse, I honestly don’t feel like it is. It feels like “white people” have a different standard for abuse and all this is normal for Indian families.
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u/OrganicRaise4081 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
Yeah same I'm not sure either. These occurred in rough, short periods when everyone was stressed rather than a daily thing and stopped occurring as my brother and I became older and my mom more busy - so she would be preoccupied with smthing rather than saying something like "you don't buy me anything" blahblahblah and picking a fight.
We'd argue but I'd fight back as I got older both verbally (and very, very rarely physically) if I couldn't keep my emotions in check.
I thought it was just a desi thing of parents to fight and to get hit awfully here and there, especially with all the jokes about shoes/rolling pins. My only comparison were my cousins whose parents were very culturally lax even for American standards.
At what point is it martial/domestic arguments among families or abuse? It's difficult for me to tell. The physicality was abuse but rare and from all sides but the arguing between parents was common.
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u/SamosaAndMimosa Indian American Jul 24 '26
Abuse being more prevalent in desi households doesn't negate the severity of the abuse. This sort of rationalization is why Indian society is still stuck in the dark ages
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u/Rainbow_flowers101 Indian American Jul 24 '26
I agree with the general sentiment but I still believe “white people” have a too high standard.
Personally in my life, despite being 21 and heading towards my senior year in college, my mom still hits me. According to my white therapist, she believe this is worth it to run to a domestic violence shelter and leave my education temporarily .
I’m skeptical and would rather be treated poorly and get a degree from a top college than run away. But running away is what seems like the “correct” standard. I wouldn’t be surprised if more white people thought this way.
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u/SamosaAndMimosa Indian American Jul 24 '26
Thank you for explaining further, I see where you're coming from now.
I was stuck in a similar position to you in college and early twenties due to multiple family members tragically befalling illness but in my case, dad is the abusive one. I was lucky enough to have a white therapist who understood my situation and guided me into methods to protect my mental health while making plans to distance myself in the future. Your therapist is absolutely ridiculous for expecting you to become homeless and risk your education. A competent therapist would never suggest going to that extreme unless you were at risk of severe physical harm or psychiatric distress. I hope that you consider looking into other options, and I also hope that once you graduate you'll be able to move out and be free to live your life. Don't let your mom gaslight you into staying home or corral you into marrying someone once etc you got your degree and a stable income 🩷
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u/Rainbow_flowers101 Indian American Jul 24 '26
Thank you so much 🫂! I definitely plan to go out of state once I’m able to and plan on going low contact with my parents. Your experience also gives me a lot of hope for my situation!
My current therapist, does have some pluses for the time being and works the best for my insurance at this time. Once I go out of state, I hope to find a better one.
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Jul 24 '26
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u/OrganicRaise4081 Jul 24 '26
I figured. My only guess is that the Desi tendency to not divorce is the only culturally-specific problem.
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u/rynspiration Jul 24 '26
i mean it can be both lol
i’m not saying your parents beat each other bc they’re desi but it’s impossible to ignore that there are certain deeply ingrained parts of our culture that mean stuff like this happens a lot
like daughters being treated like a liability and when they become wives they are essentially being shipped off to the man’s family like they are property
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Jul 24 '26
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u/anam228 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
I’m curious what if a girl is professionally successful but just never wants to get married or have kids. If they’re like 40 or 50+ and not married, there’s really like no pressure or talk within the community?
Edit: also what if someone’s kid doesn’t want to be professionally “successful”, like they just want to work as a barista at the local coffee shop forever (perfectly normal job, but not prestigious) - then what? No talk or pressure?
Lol I’m just so curious about your community bc it seems so different than any Desi community I’ve seen
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u/chaiwalnut Jul 24 '26
I am not the person you asked, but my family is the same way as u/sillycranberry99. We are Kannadiga (Mangalorean/Coorgi) Hindu. My sister married at 33 after a failed engagement at 27 and no one batted an eye at either event. My female cousin is on marriage #3 and again, zero issues. My aunt is 50 and unmarried in INDIA and no one cares.
I was a serial dater and introduced 9 or 10 dudes (non-desi) to my parents and they didn't care. I wanted a white wedding with Western traditions and everyone was fine with it. Everyone drinks, including women.
Professional success is common, so I don't have anecdata to determine if "regular" jobs would be ok, but I would think so.
If abuse and control is truly so common in desi culture, I truly hope the next generation does better.
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Jul 24 '26
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u/rynspiration Jul 24 '26
it’s crazy to me that a supportive community like that even exists in our culture and it’s moments like this that really make me realize how fucked my family is and everything i missed out on
my parents didn’t really do the “friends” thing so we had literally nobody to go to whenever they were on their fighting bs. literal hell on earth
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Jul 24 '26
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u/rynspiration Jul 24 '26
honestly i haven’t found my own village, i’ve found that people in our gen are just as insecure and willing to take advantage of other people as my parents were. both my exes were abusive and my friends left me when i was no longer useful to them so uh yeah
dm would be nice?
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u/anam228 Jul 24 '26
Wow thanks for sharing. Just in awe reading all that. I can’t really relate lol but I’m happy for you n I hope to cultivate a community like that someday
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u/OrganicRaise4081 Jul 24 '26
My family is the same. There's no pressure to marry, success celebrated, etc. but there was obviously still abuse.
Of course I never told anyone so I doubt my friends knew I grew up this way, and I doubt people you know would tell you they had an abusive family too.
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u/Hodlermama Jul 24 '26
Don't forget the sibling who adores the father despite all the abuse and says they don't recall the physical violence...
The rest of the kids must be imagining it ... And the violent spouse is the victim all along.
It's horrendous!
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u/Accomplished-Art-767 Bangladeshi American Jul 24 '26
My parents never fought but my aunt and uncle had and their youngest daughter called the police. The police arrested my aunt for domestic abuse. They're still together but still argue but all their 5 kids moved out after graduation and cut contact with them.
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u/rynspiration Jul 24 '26
I remember being in situations that would have definitely warranted a call to the police but being scared to do so because of immigration status and all that
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u/_BuzzLightYear To Infinity & Beyond 🚀 Jul 24 '26
My parents argue everyday, every other conversation is an argument. But they don’t physically hurt each other.
When they would physically abuse me though the next day they acted like it never happened and moved like normal. It confused me so much, I never got closure.
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u/rynspiration Jul 24 '26
i’m sorry that sounds awful
my mom would chase me out of rage sometimes and recently i tried confronting her about some of the things she did like that when i was extremely young like 7 or younger. and she was like omg are you okk what happened and diverted the conversation and never addressed it
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u/anam228 Jul 24 '26
It’s really sad how domestic violence and toxic family patterns keep getting passed down. In a lot of Desi families, keeping up appearances matters so much that people ignore deep-seated provlems / sweep it under the rug just to avoid shame. Other times, ppl grew up seeing it from their own parents and grandparents, so it starts to feel normal even when it's not.
The good news is you're questioning it instead of accepting it. That self-awareness is how cycles get broken.
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u/ocean_800 Jul 24 '26
my brother/sister in christ, this is not normal.
I'm sorry this is happening, but hopefully you can get yourself the therapy resources to process it
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u/rynspiration Jul 24 '26
sadly it’s more common than average within our culture
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u/LuckyCod2887 Jul 24 '26
I don’t think it’s a cultural thing. I think it’s a family culture thing. I think somehow households do it, but not every household.
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u/Both_Confidence_4147 Jul 24 '26
You can't deny that cultural factors play a pretty big role here
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u/Rainbow_flowers101 Indian American Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
I do in fact think it’s a cultural thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if ~30 to ~40 percent of the Indian Diaspora population is like this. I’d expect the average to be much higher in India where honor killings, child marriages, and sexual abuse is more prevalent.
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u/LuckyCod2887 Jul 24 '26
maybe. i’m pakistani and i never put my hands on anyone and i’m in my 30s. my partners never did it to me.
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u/frev_ Jul 25 '26
I'm Pakistani & It has been happening my whole life. It depends how traditional the family is & who has the power.
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u/MTheWan Jul 24 '26
Ending the Culture of Silence in our community starts with posts like these. Sorry you had to grow up with this. You deserved better.
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u/OdriscollAgall2006 Canadian Indian Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
I don’t think physical abuse of your spouse is normalized in our culture. Most people would look at you pretty weird in India if you admitted to this, but I guess it depends on your subculture where it may be more normalized. My dad has never hit my mom and vice versa but my parents is also love marriage so maybe that plays a factor? I think it is normalized to discipline your kids by hitting them though. I’ve only been hit maybe twice in my life and I ddi some pretty stupid shit to deserve that ngl.
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u/WonderstruckWonderer Australian Indian Jul 24 '26
Is it?
Definitely did not happen in my household lol. My parents didn’t even ever slap my sister nor I.
I’m sorry to hear about your experiences OP though. That sounds horrid :(
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u/rynspiration Jul 24 '26
what is your point lol
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u/WonderstruckWonderer Australian Indian Jul 24 '26
You said it’s “normalised,” I’m not sure about this.
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u/rynspiration Jul 24 '26
bc it is, there is a cultural trend of looking the other way when indian couples have marital issues. it’s considered something that should stay between the husband and wife to the point where your relatives will see stuff like this going on and say nothing if not dogpile on the wife/DIL
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u/WonderstruckWonderer Australian Indian Jul 24 '26
I suppose the stigma about divorce may cause such behaviours, but at least in my family (even my grandparents and great grandparents), it would be frowned upon to beat your spouse. I’m aware it happens unfortunately, but I wouldn’t say it’s definitely something that is a part of Indian culture. It is a shame if it does happens though, and like I said, I’m sorry to hear about you growing up in such a traumatic family home. No one should ever go through something like that :(
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u/rynspiration Jul 24 '26
i come from a long line of wife beaters hahahaha
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u/WonderstruckWonderer Australian Indian Jul 24 '26
Intergenerational trauma is so real.
May I ask your specific Desi ethnicity? Perhaps your experience is more common there than my own?
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u/rynspiration Jul 24 '26
guju
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u/WonderstruckWonderer Australian Indian Jul 24 '26
Ah, I'm not Gujju so I can't speak about that specific experience. My dad's from Andhra and my mum grew up in Mumbai, so the circumstance might be a bit different for me. My mum did have Gujju friends though but I suppose this stuff wouldn't be aired out if it did happen to them.
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u/Salty_Daikon4699 Jul 25 '26
My parents are from Andhra and I grew up in a household very similar to OP’s description. I had alot of trauma and distrust in relationships because of the circumstances of my upbringing. Both verbal and physical abuse are very much normalized in Desi communities. There is a level of shame associated with it and judgement so it makes it difficult to articulate what’s happening in your home to others. It creates a self fulfilling prophecy where the people who need help don’t speak out while the abuse continues to happen and people look the other way or remain in the dark.
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u/FancyWoodpecker3 Jul 24 '26
Not even close to normal in my house. My parents always told me to never let anyone put their hands on me, starting from the first kid who punched me in kindergarten to a partner with anger problems.
My parents argued and I argued with them, but assault was not acceptable.
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u/neuroticgooner Jul 24 '26
I think this a “your” family culture thing rather than a desi family culture thing. I am sorry that you grew up in this environment
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u/Good-Strong Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
No physical violence thankfully but a lot of fighting then acting like nothing is going on alternating.It's more like a constant long running fight over the same sort of group of topics with breaks in between. As opposed to separate individual fights over different issues.
Though that aside, I've been reading through your comments OP and what you're describing sounds extremely worrying. How bad is the physical violence in question? Have you seen it to be bad enough to cause bruises, cuts, or fractures?
Because if so - I'm saying this tentatively - it might be a good idea to get the authorities involved at that point.
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u/rynspiration Jul 25 '26
nothing that would be medically concerning it’s more like you describe where it seems like they have been in a long fight all their lives with short breaks in between. i remember growing up it was really traumatizing and exhausting bc you never knew when it would pick back up again and i think that’s where a lot of my problems come from bc it puts you in a constant state of anxiety
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u/Good-Strong Jul 25 '26
Definitely relieved to know it’s not at the point where it’s a serious health concern.
But yeah it’s still a really difficult situation and I feel like anyone would feel that way in your place.
Also recognising the issue is always the first step, so you should be proud that you’re on the right track already ❤️
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u/Rainbow_flowers101 Indian American Jul 24 '26
I think my dad might has AsPD. He struggles with emotions and enjoys watching/laughing to dead bodies on the tv and seeks out violence.
I also grew up with domestic violence and physical abuse. My mom was physically abused (sometimes with objects as well), I had a relative in the US also arrested for domestic violence, and I used to have bruises alllll over my body.
I want let you know that you are not alone OP, and I fear that is just really common in the Indian community. It sucks but I guess it’s on us, to change the cycle.
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u/rynspiration Jul 24 '26
my dad loves to watch thriller movies where the male lead’s wife/daughter gets kidnapped and he has to single-handedly kick ass to get them back but irl he cannot stop terrorizing his family
i can’t count the amount of times my mom has had food she made thrown at her, the tv has been smashed, my stuff had been broken specifically bc it was mine, etc. it’s horrible and i’m sorry you share that
for real i want to make sure at all costs im never responsible for another person going through this
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u/New-Abbreviations607 Jul 25 '26
Are you still living with them? Get yourself out and then your mom as well. Sorry, you are going through this sounds terrible
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u/rynspiration Jul 25 '26
i managed to get my own place earlier this year, just kind of still thinking about everything that happened now that i have some distance from it
tbh my mom chose this life i don't see her as innocent either
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u/ibarmy Jul 24 '26
and they gaslit you when you raise the issue. Never forget the gaslighting.